AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In the realm of family dynamics, where love and loyalty should ideally prevail, sometimes the sharp sting of a careless comment shatters even the strongest bonds. A seemingly offhand remark can trigger a cascade of emotions and create irreparable fissures within the family. This story unveils a raw and personal confrontation where a hurtful comment about an adopted child ignites a conflict over wedding expenses, challenging the very notion of unconditional care.

The incident, rooted in longstanding family roles and past heartbreak, transformed a celebratory occasion into a battleground of ideologies. With deep-seated responsibilities and personal sacrifice in play, the OP’s decision to withdraw wedding funds emerges as a potent stand against homophobic and dismissive attitudes. This introduction sets the stage for a critical exploration of respect, boundaries, and the cost of emotional neglect in the modern family.

‘AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?’

Hi, guys, so I created a profile just for this - I have a main account I use for my art. I don't really know how to post on this sub though, so please excuse any mistakes - also I think it's important to give a TW as this had violence and death involved and I know from personal experience that it can be triggering:

So, I (F32, Deanna) am the eldest of five siblings, and I’ve taken on the role of the family caretaker for as long as I can remember. I helped our parents until their passing, and, frankly, it’s exhausting. Dad died of brain cancer 3 years ago, and it was heartbreaking to watch him deteriorate over time, and Mom passed peacefully overnight after a long hard battle with b**ast cancer earlier this year..

So as the oldest, I just sort of became the de-facto parent. I don't mind as I love my siblings, and its kind of my thing to

A few years ago, I adopted my cousin’s

Now, she’s a happy, healthy 13-year-old who calls me “Mom.” She’s in therapy, and has been since I legally could send her as she witnessed her mother's death, and I couldn’t be prouder of how resilient she is. She's my girl, my rock-star, my whole heart and I call her that - literally

I was thrilled for her at first, and she asked me to be MOH. I cried in joy and offered for my wife

I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn't like I was supposed to even have kids, as I am married to another woman - then said

I mean she is a teen so yeah sometimes she can get challenging or rebellious here or there, but when I say she is my WHOLE heart, I mean it. She made us a family, and made our house a home. She smiles easy, cries openly and has the emotional intelligence I WISH I had myself. She always asks

But she's a

I said I better get home, paid for everything and 3 more rounds and went home to my family. My sister came over the next day to yell at me for leaving and

Honey, who I of course told what happened, asked my sister to repeat exactly what she said about our daughter. My sister refused, and kept calling Decker

That I won't stop helping her pay her rent up until she moves in with her husband, but I won't be in or pay for the wedding of a person who sees my child as a mistake. Honestly, I was ready to go full-on Jedi and sever that connection but Honey helped me temper myself.

My sister lost it, threw the can of soda water we gave her at me, screamed

Some think I’m overreacting with cutting off funds for the wedding, while others agree that my sister crossed a line and needed the wake up call. Now, I feel bad for my sister - I do love her and she is distressed by this - but I can’t shake the feeling that standing up for my daughter is more important. AITA for refusing to pay for her wedding after that?.

I am adding this in edit option. I've been working on my work project at a local brewery and have been silently sobbing in reading the comments. Also wow so many comments! I was trying to reply to everyone but I honestly ran out of steam. I sent this post to my wife and also just bracing myself to talk to Decker tonight.

We want to ask her of her aunt has done or said anything cruel to or about her. I am wishing hard that shes just confused by our questions and remain oblivious of this shitstorm. I love my Heart. I want her to always remain the bright, fun, loving, encouraging person she is.

I don't want her to know anything about what her aunt has said. I texted my sister if she meant this, if she really sees me, my wife, and our daughter that way or was she just drunk and stupid and doubled down in embarrassment. That said, I don't want her near Decker anytime soon.

I feel so lost. I wasn't planning on ever being a parent and there is no f**king manual for this. What the f**k do I even do?? Wish me luck for tonight. I will need it because if Decker tells us her aunt has been cruel to her face, I will have to hold my wife back from swinging on my sister..

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Harsh words can reshape family loyalties, and in this case, the OP’s decision to withhold wedding funds clearly signals that respect and dignity must prevail over financial obligations. The OP, who has long been the emotional and financial pillar of her family, finds herself confronting not only personal betrayal but also a broader societal prejudice against non-traditional families. The dismissive remark labeling her adopted daughter as a “mistake” struck deep, challenging the very foundation of unconditional love that adoption stands for.

This incident highlights a painful clash between personal sacrifice and bitter familial rejection. It raises important questions about how hurtful comments undermine the vital bonds that hold families together. Moreover, the situation offers a broader commentary on homophobia and the stigmatization faced by same-sex parents and adoptive families.

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “It’s not the conflict that matters but how couples—and families—manage it that builds resilience and long-lasting bonds,” reinforcing the need for respectful communication ( Gottman Institute ). Ultimately, the OP’s tough decision serves as both a defense of her family’s integrity and a call for healthier, more respectful interactions within families.

See what others had to share with OP:

Here are some candid, humorous hot takes from the Reddit community – a mix of raw emotion and biting commentary:

I_wanna_be_anemone − If your sister couldn’t afford her own wedding, then she shouldn’t be a h**ophobic child hating monster. Decker didn’t ask to witness her mother be murdered, or for her sperm donor to be a m**der, but frankly that doesn’t seem to be the core issue. The core issue is that your sister is h**ophobic.

She wholeheartedly believes that only the most broken unwanted irredeemable child could end up with lesbians for parents, likely seems to think that all the straight couples rejected Decker first (as if that’s how it even works). Decker being raised by you and Honey is what’s wrong, she’s insulting you and your wife by insinuating there’s no way lesbians could raise a healthy functional child.

This is an attack on your marriage and sexuality as much as it’s an attack on Decker herself. If she hates lesbians to the point she wholeheartedly believes they shouldn’t be parents, then why would she even want your money? If she despises you for your sexuality, does she even love and respect you? If she claims bs that she loves you ‘despite’ your sexuality, call her out for being h**ophobic. NTA

EverythinIsShinyCapn − NTA! But your sister is a piece of work -.

My sister refused, and kept calling Decker

So to be clear NEVER did she apologize for her awful comment!????.

HOW. The. F**K. are you overreacting!? You know the term

Apprehensive_War9612 − First of all you do recognize your sister is h**ophobic, correct? Her comments about you were never meant to have a child in the first place because you’re married to a woman is reeking of homophobia. If I were Honey, I would completely be unwilling to financially support your sister at this point.

Secondly, everything she said about your child was not only beyond inappropriate and cruel, but is a clear indication of jealousy. You are financially supporting her. You’re paying for her rent. And now you’re paying for her wedding. Your sister views you as an ATM. Not a sibling. And her feelings toward your daughter are clearly driven by a jealousy and a fear that your money won’t be hers as freely because you’re supporting your child.. NTA

TiKi_Effect − NTA. A am surprised you did point out that the “only mistake I have made, was to think you were a loving aunt and sister”. She does not see you as a person, she sees you as money. I bet she is upset you adopted your girl because now how will she inherited anything?

She said you shouldn’t even have a child, like I you never could have wanted to adopt, or maybe you or your wife wanted a donor sperm? No she thought because you married a woman you would never have kids, then your money would be given to her and your other siblings.

SomeGuyInTheUK − Id have cancelled her rent payments out of my bank via phone whist in the uber.. NTA.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 − NTA. Sister is a h**ophobic, child hating b**ch. She can f**k all the way off. Frankly, I’d stop paying her rent if I were you. She insulted you, your wife, your child. Then threw stuff, pushed her way through your wife, putting her hands on her. B**ch is 30, acting worse than a two yr old.

Quirky_Independent79 − NTA one little bit. Your child is first and foremost. You were being super generous to offer to pay for the wedding and she’s being a child and/or a bridezilla. Please know you did the right thing.

Ok_Boysenberry_7535 − Here I was doing my regular reddit doomscroll and THIS HAPPENED. Now I need to punch a fern or something abd pretend it's your sister. Jesus. Has she always seen Decker this way? Is she mean to her? Also for f**k sake has she always been h**ophobic?

SailorBlackStar − Aw HELL NO. But during a bachelorette dinner I set up, she made a hurtful comment about my daughter, calling her a “mistake” and saying I “shouldn’t have taken her in.” I stared at her and asked her what she meant and she said it wasn't like I was supposed to even have kids,

as I am married to another woman then said

HeWhoHasNoCare − NTA, I never comment on this sub but holy moly! And condolences on your losses, OP. I hope you're doing okay.. INFO: did she help caretaking for your parents?

Redditors express strong support for the OP’s stance, condemning the sister’s homophobic remarks and viewing the financial cutoff as a justified wake-up call. While some advise continued dialogue, the overall consensus reflects that protecting one’s family dignity should supersede traditional obligations, even if it means enduring further fallout.

In conclusion, this case underscores the complexities of family loyalty in the wake of discriminatory and hurtful remarks. The OP’s decision to withdraw wedding funding serves as a stark reminder that protecting one’s child and self-respect can sometimes require tough choices.

What are your thoughts on prioritizing personal dignity over longstanding family bonds? How far would you go to defend those you love against deeply ingrained bias? Share your experiences and join the discussion—let’s explore together the balance between unconditional family support and healthy personal boundaries.

For those who want to read the sequel: Update: AITA for refusing to pay my sister’s wedding expenses after she called my child a “mistake”?

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