AITA for getting mad at my mom for calling my nephew the one who made her a grandma when my late daughter was the first grandchild?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

Family grief is a delicate subject, especially when painful memories are continuously dismissed. In this case, a young woman, still reeling from the loss of her daughter, is hurt anew when her own mother publicly credits her nephew for “making her a grandma.” To her, this phrase excludes the memory of the child she loved and lost—a memory that should never fade. As she confronts her mother about this recurring slight, the raw emotions of past and present intertwine, forcing her to question if her justified pain might be seen as overreaction.

This isn’t just about a social media post or a careless phrase; it’s about years of feeling invisible and hurt by those who were meant to love and protect her. With every mention that omits her daughter’s existence, it feels as if her mother is choosing to rewrite family history—a decision that cuts deep into wounds that still have not healed.

‘AITA for getting mad at my mom for calling my nephew the one who made her a grandma when my late daughter was the first grandchild?’

I (23f) got pregnant when I was only 16. My boyfriend (23m) and I were scared but we did quickly tell our families. At first our parents were pretty pissed. But they did come around. Mine grew a lot. Going from people who refused to let s** be discussed or safe s** be taught to the minors in their home to understanding the flaws in that.

When our daughter was born everyone was so happy and my boyfriend and I moved in together so we could raise her together. We were happy and our families were so close to our daughter. But we lost her when she was 2. It's a pain that never goes away and I'll be honest I still struggle with her death. I've gone to grief therapy and I have improved a lot.

But I don't know that I'll ever be the same again or that I'll ever

And in the years since my daughter died both my siblings have become parents. My sister has two kids currently and my brother has one. My sister's son was the first of the three living grandchildren and after my brother's son was born, my sister's son started being referred to as the oldest grandchild.

It hurt to hear and I spoke up at the time and asked if maybe they could label him something else because he wasn't the first grandchild. My dad felt so bad that it happened and so did my siblings and mom said she did too. But sometimes there are still comments that leave out my daughter as a part of the family and I know she's dead and I understand not telling every single random person.

But even during family parties or gatherings she gets left out. I have spoken up about it more than once. The my mom wrote a post for my oldest nephew's birthday calling him the one who made her a grandma and it f**king crushed me. When I saw my mom I was mad and I asked why she would post those words.

I asked how she could act like my daughter never existed. My mom told me to calm down and I was overreacting and that people knew about my daughter and would realize she misspoke. I pointed out how she misspeaks a lot. My dad asked what happened and I showed him the post. He told me it wouldn't happen again.

I told him it keeps happening. Not just the post but it's like everyone wants to forget she existed and was a part of our family. I said mom posting about my nephew making her a grandma for everyone to see tells me she doesn't care. He told me he hadn't seen it, he was sorry and he'd be talking to mom and they'd all do better.

My siblings said they never saw the post or they'd say something. And they have been good about correcting comments made and actually acknowledging my daughter. But my mom is mad at me for being mad at her. She said I'm not being understanding of her grief and not letting her speak in a way that works for her. That I kicked up a fuss over a silly social media post.. AITA?

Family therapists explain that grief is a long-term process and that the way family members process loss can vary dramatically. When one person’s grief is minimized or erased by another’s narrative, it can reopen old wounds and intensify feelings of abandonment and isolation. Psychologists note that the act of publicly crediting a new grandchild while neglecting a deceased one sends a powerful message about whose memory is valued, often leaving the bereaved feeling invisible and unworthy.

Experts in family dynamics also stress the importance of validating all experiences of grief. Even if a parent feels compelled to move on, continual reminders or dismissals can hinder healing. They suggest that open dialogue about the pain of loss—when handled with sensitivity—can help rebalance family relationships. In this situation, the narrator’s anger is a natural response to feeling overlooked and devalued, rather than an overreaction.

Furthermore, counselors advise that redefining family narratives in a way that includes the memory of lost loved ones can be beneficial. Some families create memorials or dedicate time to honor those who have passed, ensuring that their presence is not forgotten. By neglecting this, the mother may be inadvertently causing further emotional harm. The recognition of all family members—living or deceased—is crucial in building a cohesive and emotionally healthy family unit.

Lastly, conflict resolution experts recommend that addressing these issues openly in family gatherings or private discussions can lead to healing. While the pain is deep, a constructive conversation about what each family member needs from the others may help bridge the emotional divide. The key is to ensure that all voices are heard and that the loss is acknowledged respectfully rather than brushed aside.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Here are some perspectives from the Reddit community, reflecting the diverse ways people respond to such painful family dynamics: A significant number of commenters affirm that the narrator’s feelings are completely justified.

Many highlight that repeatedly ignoring the memory of a lost child compounds the original grief and that her anger is a natural reaction to years of marginalization. Some even suggest that her mother’s dismissive attitude is a sign of unresolved trauma on her part. Others argue that while her reaction might appear harsh to outsiders, it’s a necessary reclaiming of her daughter’s memory—a stance that deserves respect rather than admonishment.

cryptotalkspress − Your mom's comment was insensitive especially with how often it seems to happen. It's totally understandable you'd be upset. NTA

Tremenda-Carucha − F**k, NTA... losing a kid is bad enough, but having family forget they existed? That's some next-level cruel s**t. You're still reeling from the initial loss and then you have to deal with their memory getting erased too? That's like being punched in the gut while you're down

I can't even imagine what that must be like... every time someone mentions a grandchild without acknowledging your daughter, it's like salt in an open wound. The lack of recognition, it's like they never mattered at all. It hurts on a primal level and there's no real way to process or move past that kind of pain

mela_99 − Your mother knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s gross and hateful and hurtful. She’s dismissing your child’s existence.. F**k her.. NTA.. I’m so sorry about your daughter.. If you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear about your lovely daughter if you’d like to share.

Ecstatic-Manager-149 − You are NTA, but your mum is. My stepbrother died as an adult, but he is still referred to as the oldest brother, over 30 years after his death. He didn't stop being my brother when his heartbeat stopped.. I am so sorry for your loss and that your mother is being an absolute arsehole about this.

Equal-Brilliant2640 − It sounds like your mom never viewed your daughter as a grandchild since she was born out of wedlock to a teen mom and then passed away after such a short time It might be best to go low contact with your mom for a while.

And if you see her make a post like that again? Call her out publicity Comment “that is not true, my daughter who died at only two years old is your oldest grandchild and I’m sick of you pretending she didn’t exist” If you start publicly shaming her like that she might smarten up, and who knows. Others might also start shaming her as well

Careful-Self-457 − As a grandma who watched her first grandchild pass on I could never misspeak like that. Your mom is an insensitive ass hat!! You have every right to be mad at her. Hell, as a grandmother I am mad at her!! NTA

Alive_Influence7709 − NTA. Tbh I can’t imagine how much that must’ve hurt, you’re not overreacting at all. She was the first grandchild and pretending otherwise is just so cold.

EnthusiasmRecent227 − NTA, I lost my son(25) 11/21/22. He is never talked about anymore unless I mention him. He loved the holidays and being with family. They behave like he never existed. The loss of a child is a pain that never goes away. But, the dismissal of their existence cuts that wound wide open every time it happens.

Big-Tomorrow2187 − I would tell her if she feels so strongly about the grandson being the first grandchild then she doesn’t need to meet your children because your children are officially not part of her grandchildren since she never counted your first child as her grandchild in the first place.

Your children aren’t her grandchildren, therefore she doesn’t need to meet them. She doesn’t need to be involved in their life, and if that’s how she’s going to act then that’s what I would do to her. She doesn’t get to be a grandma and a s**tty one at that.

I would’ve commented on her post. “Your grandson was not the one who made you a grandma but you must have forgotten again that your granddaughter was the first born. But it’s okay to forget about someone you weren’t a very good grandmother too, since you constantly keep forgetting about her.”

pizzacatbrat − NTA. Calling him her oldest grandchild makes some sense, especially with not wanting to disclose that family trauma by calling him something else. But

In conclusion, this heart-wrenching family incident highlights the complex interplay between grief, memory, and family validation. When a parent’s remembrance of a lost child is constantly sidelined, the resulting pain can lead to anger and confrontation. Is it wrong to be upset when your very personal loss is ignored in favor of a convenient narrative? Can laughter or indifference ever truly mend decades of emotional neglect?

As you reflect on these difficult questions, share your thoughts: how can families better honor the memories of those who are gone without dismissing the very real pain of those left behind? Join the discussion and let us know if you think the narrator’s reaction is completely justified or if there might be another way to address this sensitive issue.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *