AITA for refusing to go on a week-long vacation with my husband’s family for his dad’s 60th birthday?

Jonathan Hours
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Family vacations are meant to be a time of relaxation and connection, yet sometimes they can feel more like an obligation than a joy. In this case, a 33-year-old wife recounts her reluctance to join a week-long trip planned by her in-laws for her father-in-law’s 60th birthday celebration. Despite the significance of the milestone, the thought of spending seven days with people who have consistently made her feel like an outsider fills her with dread.

For years, the lack of warmth and inclusion from her husband’s family has left her feeling isolated. While her husband enjoys regular close interactions with her own family, she has been repeatedly sidelined during holidays and important events with his family. Now, faced with a week on a lavish all-inclusive resort where small talk and pretense are the order of the day, she firmly refuses to join. Her stance is clear: she values genuine connections and her personal time too much to partake in what she views as a forced familial performance.

‘AITA for refusing to go on a week-long vacation with my husband’s family for his dad’s 60th birthday?’

My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been together since we were 16. In all the years we've been together, his family has never really made an effort to get to know me or build any kind of real relationship. Meanwhile, my husband and I are both very close to my family — holidays, birthdays, casual hangouts, all of it.

After we got married a couple of years ago, not much changed. His family still has very limited contact with us (months go by without a call or text) — mostly just showing up to dinner for birthdays and major holidays . I’ve always felt like an outsider, and it’s hard for me to show up and pretend like we’re one big happy family when the truth is they’ve never really included me or made me feel welcome.

Some examples: 1) his mom's birthday is just two days away from mine, and she refused to acknowledge my birthday until we were married. 2) I have always passed on gifts for holidays, anniversaries and mother's day etc. even though if I was not invited or included, but the gesture has never been reciprocated until after we were married and my husband had to make a point to his mom to get me a Christmas gift.

Now, his dad is turning 60, which I understand is a big milestone. I’m happy to celebrate with them and attend any kind of party or dinner. But here’s the issue: his mom wants to plan a week long trip to an all-inclusive resort to celebrate and expects us to join. I’ve already voiced to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this.

Aside from the obvious cost (around $4,000 for both of us), I really don’t want to spend 7 days of my limited vacation time making small talk and pretending to be close with people who’ve never shown real interest in getting to know me. I feel like I’m being asked to fake a relationship that doesn’t exist, and honestly, that feels draining and disrespectful to my own time and emotional energy.

It just feels fake. My husband understands how I feel, but I can tell he’s torn. I told him I support him going if he wants to, but I personally don’t want to go.. So... AITA for not wanting to spend a week on vacation with my in-laws?

Deciding whether to honor family obligations or assert personal boundaries is rarely black and white. Parenting and relationship experts agree that mutual respect and open communication are essential in balancing family traditions with individual autonomy. Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting explains, “Healthy relationships—whether with in-laws or friends—are built on mutual understanding and respect for each person’s emotional boundaries” . In this situation, the wife’s decision not to join the extended vacation is rooted in years of feeling unwelcome and undervalued, which adds emotional strain to an already challenging choice.

When one partner consistently feels excluded by the other’s family, it can harm their self-esteem and marital satisfaction. Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson further notes, “It’s important for each partner to feel supported in their relationships outside the marriage.

Being forced into a situation where you feel like a token guest can erode trust and intimacy” . Here, the emotional cost of spending a week pretending to be part of a family that hasn’t made any effort to know her is simply too high. Instead, the wife’s desire to allocate her precious vacation time to nurturing her own supportive family network is both valid and necessary.

Furthermore, the financial aspect plays a significant role. Committing to a $4,000 all-inclusive resort trip is not only a monetary investment but also an investment of emotional energy. Experts suggest that it’s perfectly acceptable to say no to events that do not add value to one’s mental well-being.

Emphasizing self-care in the context of family expectations can often prevent long-term resentment. A healthy marriage requires that both partners have their needs met, and if one feels forced into sacrificing their happiness for the sake of appearances, it’s time to reassess priorities and negotiate more balanced arrangements.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—direct, blunt, and empathetic observations capturing the essence of the debate: Comments range from outright support for her decision to suggestions that she consider a compromise. Many emphasize that if the in-laws have never made her feel welcome, why should she sacrifice her time and money for an experience that feels forced?

Others express sympathy for her stance, noting that forced closeness can only deepen the existing emotional chasm. The consistent thread among responses is that she is justified in prioritizing genuine relationships over obligatory family performances.

Enidan2 − NTA Your reasons why you don´t feel like going on this trip are totally valid. It´s understandable, that your husband is torn between you and his family, but it would be a different story, if you told him not to go either. You don´t have a close relationship with his family, it´s a lot of money and no matter why you don´t feel comfortable with this, you just don´t, and therefore should not be forced to go.

CatsAreTheBest68 − Why not go for just 3 nights? You don't have to go the whole week.

Moto_Hiker − NAH No harm in them asking but a week of PTO wasted in forced company and in an all-inclusive? That's a hard pass from me

1962Michael − NAH. This is between you and your husband. If you decide to go, it would be to support HIS wishes, not MIL's. Has your husband ever gone along with you on a vacation with your family? If so, then it would seem only fair for you to go with him on this one. IF he wants you to.

You've

WanderingGnostic − NTA. They've shut you out at every point and made it clear where you stand. I mean, they've had since you were 16 yo to get to know you. I don't know about other parents, but we always tried to get to know our kids' partners no matter how long the relationships lasted. Hell, some of them still consider us bonus parents and we're fond of them, too.

It's really kind of sad that your husband doesn't really have your back on this, but the practical solution is that he deal with his family (gifts, events, everything) and while he's gone you go spend time with your family. I have a long time policy of never going where I'm not welcome and if that involves family, so be it. It makes for less drama and b**lshit in my life.

A warning, though, they might decide to change all that when grandchildren begin arriving. Just watch how they treat them. If they are still ignoring you, you may have to put an end to their nonsense.

RadioSupply − NTA. You are going to pay thousands to be ignored and deal with tension you haven’t done anything to create. For what? A man who barely speaks to you and has no reciprocal relationship with you?. Your husband can go alone. You have work to do.

saedgin − NAH People have different styles and how they interact as a family. Maybe their unwelcoming nature is not exactly intentional and maybe it is but I will say most people don’t invite someone they hate on a week long vacation. At the same time you are not comfortable with them and I can totally understand not wanting to spend your vacation time on this trip.

hadMcDofordinner − There is no conflict as your husband is OK with you not going. Just don't go. If he goes, that's his choice. If anyone asks, you can just say you want to use the money for other things.. NTA

iambecomesoil − NTA Seems like him going alone is the way to go at this point. 17 years is a lot of rope to give them to meet you somewhere in the middle.

k23_k23 − NTA. simply don't go.

In conclusion, choosing to opt out of a week-long vacation with in-laws—especially when past experiences have left you feeling like an outsider—is a valid act of self-care and boundary setting. The wife’s refusal is not merely about avoiding a costly trip but stands as a declaration of her need to protect her emotional energy.

Her position invites us all to reflect on how we balance family tradition with personal well-being. What do you think? When has setting a firm boundary improved a relationship, or conversely, led to unexpected challenges? Share your thoughts and experiences in the discussion below.

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