AITA for stepping back from my family after being repeatedly excluded by my golden child brother — even when I paid for everything?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Seven years ago, a father’s cancer diagnosis shook his family to the core. Now, at 69, he’s thriving, and his eldest son wanted to toast that miracle with a grand Thanksgiving-style bash. Picture a warm gathering, tables laden with gratitude—until sibling rivalry crashed the party. His brother, the family’s golden child, rewrote the script, sidelining him and his kids while pocketing his cash.

This isn’t just about a botched event—it’s a man wrestling with a lifetime of being pushed aside. Stepping back feels like self-preservation, but whispers of blame still sting. Let’s unravel this Reddit saga, where family ties tangle with old wounds, and see how one celebration exposed cracks too deep to ignore.

‘AITA for stepping back from my family after being repeatedly excluded by my golden child brother — even when I paid for everything?’

My father was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer almost 7 years ago. He’s 69 now and, despite multiple surgeries and rounds of chemo, he’s still here and living a full, productive life. My wife and I suggested hosting a Thanksgiving-style celebration with extended family to honour his journey and give thanks.

Once my siblings got involved, things went sideways. I’m the eldest of four — 39M. Then there are my brothers (36M and 33M) and our sister (30F). My second-born brother, R, and I have had a lifelong rivalry. We’ve never gotten along — not as children, not now.

He was always our father’s favourite, while I was made to feel like the proverbial stepchild. I could never understand it. While we all got the best education money could buy, our home life was chaotic and abusive. I left home after high school to get away from the dysfunction and abuse.

My siblings all stayed, endured what I couldn't, and got their degrees in university. I remain the uneducated black sheep of the family. Anyway, when I left, R stepped into the role of “man of the house” during our parents’ brief separation. He’s held an unspoken authority over the family dynamic ever since.

I’ve never wished him harm, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s prayed for me to be hit by a bus. No one in my family ever calls him out — it’s like everyone tiptoes around him.. --- Back to the celebration. Once we got buy-in from the siblings, R bulldozed the planning.

He insisted on dates that would make it impossible for my kids to attend because of school. My wife and I live across the country (everyone else is local), so we needed coordination. R refused to consider alternative dates, saying he “didn’t want to risk our father having a health setback.”.

This man was diagnosed 7 years ago and is doing well. That’s the whole reason we’re celebrating! When my concerns were brushed aside by everyone else — who either ignored me or seemed too afraid to challenge R — I left the WhatsApp group I had created to help plan the function.

I told them I’d step aside but was available to assist if needed. No one contacted me, except to collect money. I pledged R10k — same as R — and my other two siblings each volunteered R5k.. --- The day came. Since my wife and I weren’t involved in planning, we arrived as guests.

The event was disorganised and cheap-looking — nowhere near what 30k could or should have produced. Based on the food, décor, and setup (hosted at my parents’ house), it honestly looked like the only money that was actually spent came from the R10k I sent. The rest? Who knows.

There were half-hearted decorations, lackluster catering - barely enough for the people there - and a visible absence of my children. People noticed. A month later, my mother phoned me, upset that I’d “left the group” and “refused to cooperate” — again, placing blame squarely on me.

I tried explaining, but she wouldn’t hear it. It felt like she was looking for a s**pegoat for how mediocre the event turned out to be.. --- To protect our peace, my wife and I have stopped jumping through hoops to attend family events. If something’s during school term, we don’t rearrange our lives anymore.

We show up when we can — without the kids — and still get labeled uncooperative.. And this wasn’t even the first time. Two years prior, my mother told me she was gifting the family a vacation through her timeshare. She said she’d asked R to call me and coordinate dates with me. That call never came.

A few days later she phoned me, furious that I hadn’t made plans. I told her I’d never heard from R. She wasn't hearing it. I called him — and he casually told me the holiday was already booked, for dates in the middle of my kids' school term. His kids are preschoolers, so no issue there.

When I asked him to explain this to our mother so she’d understand why we couldn’t go, he refused. Again, I was blamed for “keeping the kids away” and “feeding the rivalry.”. --- I’m exhausted from being excluded, blamed, and expected to go along with everything. My wife and I have stopped rearranging our lives for family events that disregard us, but I’m questioning if I’m wrong to step back.

Family gatherings should lift everyone up, but this one left a son feeling erased. His brother’s takeover—ignoring his kids’ schedules and mishandling funds—reopened scars from a childhood of favoritism. Stepping back was his way of drawing a line, but the family’s blame game keeps pulling him back in. Both sides dig in: he craves respect, they shield the golden child.

Family dynamics often cement roles early on. As therapist Lori Gottlieb observes, “Families are like mobiles—change one part, and the whole thing wobbles” (Lori Gottlieb). His exit from planning challenged the status quo, and the backlash shows how tightly they cling to old patterns. He’s not wrong to prioritize peace, but they’re not ready to face their bias.

Favoritism isn’t just personal—it’s systemic. A 2020 study found 40% of adults report unequal treatment by parents, often fueling resentment (Family Relations Journal). His brother’s control mirrors a power grab, and the family’s silence enables it. Money muddies things further—his contribution deserved accountability, not dismissal.

Gottlieb’s work on breaking cycles suggests clear boundaries: attend what works, skip what doesn’t, and redirect energy to his own family. A calm talk with his parents—focusing on facts, not feelings—might clarify intentions. If patterns persist, less contact protects his sanity. Building new traditions with his wife and kids can heal what’s been broken.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s crew jumped into this family feud like it’s a heated potluck, serving up support, shade, and some tough love. Imagine a backyard barbecue where everyone’s got a plate and a point, spilling truth with no chill. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd, sizzling with cheers for his stand and side-eyes at the family’s mess:

ohsotypicallyanne − NTA. Do yourself a favor and take an even bigger step back. You mentioned that your childhood was abusive, but I don’t think the abuse ever stopped they just changed the format. Nothing you’ve wrote makes it seem like these people are worth the effort to visit (with or without your children).

Your parents were abusive when you were a kid and they are manipulative and abusive now. Your brother is selfish (and likely a thief?). And your other siblings are cowards and complicit in this behavior towards you. I think you’d be better off further limiting contact to emergency situations only.

Your parents can focus on their favorite and he can enjoy that. Without you there to blame they’ll probably turn on your other siblings - maybe that will help them grow a backbone. It’s hard to escape a toxic home, focus on enjoying the family that you’ve built instead of giving those miserable people more of your energy.

DanaMarie75038 − NTA. Let R reign. He loves that. Stop trying to be part of a family you were never part of. Let go and move on. Don’t send them money. If you want to spend time with your parents just see them.

Frequent-Bite4486 − NTA in this situation. I would have given 5K and showed up alone but YTA to yourself and your family. Grow some spine and stand up for yourself because you have made yourself the perfect doormat. If you continue to give, they will continue to take. No one cares about your emotions or feelings.. and you seem willing to let them walk all over you. So stop that first.

T9Para − You are 39 and you are STILL putting up with this s**t??. Dude, you moved FAR away. Your family is YOU, your WIFE, and your KIDS.. Cut the others OFF. BLOCK those people. They are ONLY

Itchy-Worldliness-21 − Look op, you know your family doesn't like you, just by the way you're treated. You need to step back and either go low contact or no contact because all you are is a punching bag to them. You're NTA for stepping back, but you can be if you keep putting you and your family through this bs.

burner_boi_za − **TL;DR:** I suggested a celebration for my father’s cancer recovery, but my controlling brother took over, ignored my input, made it impossible for my kids to attend, and still used my money. I paid the same as him and got zero say. The event was a flop, and I was blamed. This isn’t the first time he’s excluded us, and I’m done bending over backwards. AITA for stepping back?

squabb_ − No you did the right thing by stepping out and I would tell your brother to kiss your ass and not have anything to do with any of them. If they're going to be like that they can come to you

Ginger630 − NTA! Definitely take a huge step back. I’d RSVP no to all events and vacations. “Nope, that doesn’t work for us. Have fun!” Send their calls to voicemail. I’d only send a text to your parents for their birthdays and holidays and that’s it. You guys live across the country and have school age kids. Focus on your kids and let your family deal with each other.

Bookblanket − NTA ask your brother for itemized receipts for the costs of the event for your accounting. Ask for a refund if he can’t produce 30k

CarrotofInsanity − Please reread your post.. You are being emotionally abused by your whole family.. I think it’s best to DISCONNECT from the fam. ALL of them. And for gosh sakes!!’ Do NOT send any more money — for anything. It doesn’t matter the reason. NO MONEY.. Stop taking their calls.

Texts. ANYTHING. Just stop. Continue to talk to your Dad. And that’s it. Figure a way to see your Dad, but don’t bother with anyone else. Not even your mother. Focus on Dad. Talk to no one else.. Disconnect. Save yourself. Your peace is important. Keep it safe.

These Redditors don’t hold back—some urge him to cut ties entirely, calling out the family’s toxic playbook, while others push for a middle ground, like solo visits with his dad. A few smell foul play with the money, demanding receipts. Their takes light up the chaos of favoritism and blame, showing this celebration’s flop was just the tip of a deeper rift.

Families are messy, and this one’s no exception. A son’s bid to honor his dad got hijacked, leaving him burned by exclusion and blame. Stepping back feels like freedom, but the guilt lingers—proof love and hurt often share the same table. Maybe it’s time for new traditions that don’t demand his sacrifice. What would you do in his place? Share your thoughts below; let’s keep this real talk flowing!

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