[UPDATE] – AITA for telling my sister it’s not my fault she has children?

In the ever-evolving landscape of family dynamics, updates can bring new insights and soften old grievances. This update revisits the contentious situation where a woman once declared that her life choices were not to be compared with her sister’s struggles as a full-time parent. For those who have not yet read the original post, you can access it here:  AITA for telling my sister it’s not my fault she has children?

Now, the focus shifts to a recent visit that revealed deeper layers of family distress. In a quiet but revealing encounter, the sister showed signs of exhaustion and vulnerability—appearing without her usual polish and noticeably changed. This meeting set the stage for an honest exchange, as both parties began to reexamine their roles and responsibilities amid mounting pressures at home.

‘[UPDATE] – AITA for telling my sister it’s not my fault she has children?’

I didn’t think I was going to write an update to this at all, but I got a few messages and requests for an update, so here we are. My Sister and her Husband came by today as promised. They actually came over much earlier than I was anticipating and left a couple of hours ago, so I don’t know if I managed to say everything I probably should have at the time, but here’s the gist for those of you who wanted to know.

It didn’t take a genius to see that my Sister wasn’t doing too well. She normally takes pride in her appearance and how she dresses, while I’m usually the one to prioritise sleep over putting on a full face of makeup. But when she turned up this morning she looked as if she hadn’t slept in days, she had no make up on and she was just wearing some loungewear.

Not overly important details except that she didn’t look like my Sister at all. She immediately apologised as soon as she walked into the living room and hugged me before I could say anything. I hugged her back, because she’s my little Sister and no matter what, I love her to death.

It also occurred to me that it felt as if she’s lost a tonne of weight and while she’s always been slim, this worried me a bit and any residual annoyance I might have felt dwindled quite quickly. A lot of you guessed that my Sister is pregnant with baby number 3. I’m sorry to disappoint, but this turned out not to be the case.

As it turns out my Nephew (M4), her eldest son, has been diagnosed with Autism and has been having some major behavioural problems as of late. He’s always been a rambunctious kid and prone to a tantrum, but I put this down to him being a child and didn’t think too much of it.

Apparently he’s been having huge meltdowns at nursery school, leading to him being violent with other kids and members of staff, and it’s led to my sister having to leave early from work on very short notice and has had to call in sick several times when he’s in a bad way. Due to this, she’s been called in to a disciplinary meeting which might lead to a formal hearing, and it’s really worrying her.

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She’s also incredibly worried about what her son’s life is going to look like and how much support he’ll need moving forward. Her Husband is there for her, of course, but he works a job where he needs to drive hours away at a time, so isn’t always at home in the mornings when things are at their worst.

His Mother lives alone in another part of the country, and our parents aren’t able to do a whole lot of babysitting as our Mother still works and our Dad has bad problems with his back. She acknowledges that her behaviour was totally uncalled for, but that hearing about me being in a position to be able to cut my hours when she’s worrying about even having a job in a couple of weeks really triggered her, and that she’s been on medication for her mood for several weeks now as it is.

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I told her that of course I understood how her position could be stressful and upsetting, but if she had trusted me with this info and confided in me as a Sister, of course I would have been there for her in any way I could have. Her Husband cut in at this point and assured me that they were both incredibly grateful for every time I and my own Husband had helped them out over the years, and he didn’t want this to be something that caused our families to drift apart.

My Sister agreed and again she acknowledged her mistake and admitted that she feels like recently things have been really difficult for her while my life seems to be falling into place. She said that even when I was at my lowest, I still did everything with an air of confidence that she has always lacked, and that even when I didn’t know where my life was going I always held my head high and saw the positives.

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Something she is really struggling to do right now. She also told me that she told our parents about speaking to a doctor and being on medication for depression, but had asked them not to say anything to anyone, which is probably why they wanted me to go easy on her. Overall, I’m not mad anymore and I know that deep down my Sister is happy for me, she’s just in an uncertain situation right now and it got the best of her.

Experts in family psychology assert that crises within a family often serve as catalysts for realignment of relationships and priorities. According to renowned family therapist Dr. John Gottman, “In times of stress, it is essential to open channels of honest communication to rebuild the emotional bridges that may have been damaged.” His insights reinforce the importance of empathy and understanding in moments when familial roles are challenged by unforeseen difficulties.

In this case, the sister’s emotional state, triggered by the diagnosis and behavioral challenges faced by her son, has clearly affected her interactions. Her admission of using medication for her mood and the visible changes in her appearance indicate that her stress has been mounting for some time.

The encounter allowed for an exchange of apologies, reassurances, and recognition of the pressures each family member faces. This scenario exemplifies the necessity of a supportive network during crises—one that balances individual struggles with collective familial responsibilities, without resorting to blame.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit community has reacted with empathy and pragmatic advice to this update. Many users expressed relief that the family is beginning to bridge the gap created by previous harsh words. Commenters highlighted the importance of seeking professional help and building support systems, especially when dealing with a child’s special needs.

Advice ranged from connecting with local support groups to practical suggestions for balancing childcare with work responsibilities. The community’s overall sentiment is one of hope that with mutual understanding and external support, the family can navigate these challenging circumstances together.

DBgirl83 − I'm sorry she's having a hard time. To be honest I still feel like they are trying to talk you into babysitters her son.. Helping your sister is important, but if they ask this, please think about what your means for your dream.

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Inside-Property-4579 − Being a parent of a child with intellectual and developmental delays is stressful. Please encourage her to find a circle of support. I worked for a special needs organization for just over 7 years and have the stress she’s feeling. And it won’t just impact her and her husband, their other child will also be affected by the diagnosis.

Depending on where she is in the world, there are a lot of support and resource organizations out there. If you want to help without babysitting, start with google and compile a list of organizations she might find helpful. I have a niece with Down syndrome and sometimes just taking the time to help my sister with research was the biggest help I could offer.

cathline − Your sister needs to talk to a doctor about the benefits available for her son. I know someone who has a non-verbal autistic child and they have a live-in aide that is paid for by I think Medicaid - the family is not on Medicaid, but because of his diagnosis - he qualifies. A social worker might be able to help with that.

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ClaresRaccoon − I would advise your sister to look into resources for help. I have a cousin who gets paid for being her autistic son’s full time caretaker. I am sure your sister will benefit from something like that. If at the moment she doesn’t feel like she knows enough about autism it would be a good learning opportunity so that she can help her child while easing her stress level.

Far_Scholar1986 − Your poor sister, she seems truly remorseful. No one is truly prepared for a child with special needs and having to work full time on top of that is incredibly hard and let’s be honest life is easier without kids. Losing your job has a different meaning when you have kids who completely depend on you.

I would look into all the programs in your area that help with special needs and I know where I live special needs kids can start public school at age 3 where they can get the help they need. I really hope things work out for your sister in the long run.

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andmewithoutmytowel − That's a nice update, but I'm sorry for your sister. My wife has a cousin that has extreme autism, and it's a daily struggle for her aunt and uncle. They're managing so far, but her aunt is having health issues, and it seems inevitable that he'll have to go to a group home at some point. He's in his 20s now, with the body and strength of a mid-20s man, but mentally is about a 7 year old and non-verbal. I wish all your family the best.

Fancy_Association484 − Good outcome. Stress causes all of us to make mistakes. Being accountable and sincere in an apology shows true character.

BeckyAnn6879 − Okay, went back and read the original post... and you may not be mad at your sister, but I am upset by her callous words. Being a self-published author is HARD WORK. I'm in year 7, and it's a hell of a lot harder than just 'writing silly love stories,' especially if you're doing a LOT of the other jobs (editing, cover design, promotion/marketing, etc) as well.. I'm proud for you for wanting to embark on this journey. Welcome to the Self-Published Author Life!!

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WhoKnewHomesteading − They need professional assistance. From the CDC website (if you are in the US): Children with disabilities, including ASD, may be eligible for services through the local education system beginning at age 3 years. Children with ASD often have an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or a 504 plan.

Eligible children can begin to receive services prior to formally starting school, even if the child has not been diagnosed with ASD. If you are concerned about your child, contact your local public school system. Even if your child is not yet old enough for kindergarten or is not enrolled in a public school, you can call your local elementary school or board of education and ask to speak with someone who can help you have your child evaluated. This is sometimes called a “Child Find” evaluation.. I hope this helps.

In conclusion, this update reveals a poignant shift in the family dynamic. What started as a terse disagreement over personal choices has evolved into an opportunity for healing and deeper understanding. The sister’s vulnerability in the face of her son’s challenges has softened previous criticisms and opened the door for more empathetic communication. Now, the family is working together to address the practical and emotional hurdles that lie ahead.

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How can families best support one another during times of crisis? What measures have helped you or someone you know navigate the delicate balance of personal ambition and familial responsibility? Share your insights and experiences in the comments, and let’s foster a discussion that encourages understanding and collective resilience.

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