AITAH for breaking up over my children’s school arrangements?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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As a mother determined to protect her children’s future, every decision counts—especially when it comes to their education. Balancing a tight budget with the need for academic excellence isn’t easy, but after her late husband’s tragic accident, this resilient teacher has turned financial turbulence into a stable, promising environment for her kids. Despite limited income, the choices made have secured a spot at an elite school, ensuring her children receive the best opportunities possible.

Yet when a new relationship enters the picture, expectations clash. Her ex-boyfriend’s insistence on accommodating his three children’s schooling needs—at extra cost—threatened the well-planned academic stability her children depend on. Caught between personal happiness and her commitment to her kids’ future, she finds herself forced to choose: sacrifice essential education or risk further destabilizing their lives.

‘AITAH for breaking up over my children’s school arrangements?’

I am 36f lost my late husband five years back when my kids were 7 and 5. It was huge work accident caused by machinery in his company's factory and we were paid huge amounts in damages. I paid off the house and kept remaining in trusts for my kids, when they go to college and for their other expenses.

They can put a downpayment for home, if they want when they get the remaining trust amount after college. Whatever they wish to do. Also kept some for emergencies. I am a math teacher. So I make ends meet . With no college savings to save . I send my kids to elite private school, where I teach math, because it opens door for many opportunities.

I am not making much money, but education is free upto two children, till they pass 12th class. I can make more in other fields, but still that won't be good to cover for their education. And also have good retirement plan as well as health benefits. I have a job till age of 60, unless I do some f**k up. It is a 8-2 job and gives me work life balance.

School bus pick us at 7:15 am and we reach home at 3 pm at most. So it has benefits. Save me fuel and nanny issues. And good amount of holidays. I started seeing my now ex bf ( let's call him henry ) two years back. He was also a widower and is working a decent job. But he has mortgage and his three kids to save for. Despite earning way more than me.

He barely saves anything for himself outside retirement. So he doesn't have extra money for himself. I often treat him, because I know how much he struggles. Buying him branded clothes and things. He used to o gift me things. But I always felt bad. Because I knew he struggled. We wanted to have a simple marriage, but road block came over children's school education.

He said either we pay for other three kids schooling or all go to cheaper ones. I refused. I told him everything from gifts to other things will be same for kids. But there will be no compromise on education. I am doing this job only for my kids. My kids had to lose their father for this. It led to huge fights over the month. And finally i brokeup with him last week.

My children education is free, but we can't afford fees for three more children. Maximum one at most. We both are devastated. He is begging me to take him back. But I don't see the solution. My kids have their friends there and if I change their school. I feel it will damage my relationship with them. They are used to school's facilities and their friends there.

Henry calls me everyday and make me emotional...My parents say children won't forgive me if I do that. I told henry we can wait for another decade , so both of our kids go to college ( they all are of same age group ). He said he can't wait forever and his kids need a mother. I don't have problem becoming mom..but I can't just put my own kids aside.

I don't want to be bitter step mother. I told this to my best friend and she said I will be too old to find love over next decade and i need to compromise for my happiness. And said I am being selfish. She said it will be tough to find a man for myself, when I shall become too old and will have wrinkles in my 40s..

Edit I value my friend because after my husband's death. I felt into depression. She helped me and my kids. Cooked for them. Cared for them. And we are friends for 30 years. We always praise and criticize each other. No sugar coating. She was brought up with old school views. But she isn't a bad person. She was raised in patriarchal household.

Finding the balance between personal fulfillment and the best interests of one’s children is a recurring theme in family studies. Renowned parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham, from Aha! Parenting, emphasizes, “When a parent’s decisions directly affect a child’s future, especially in education, it is crucial to prioritize stability and long-term benefits over short-term relational compromises.” This sentiment underscores the importance of setting boundaries when it comes to the welfare of children.

In situations like these, experts point out that financial planning and educational stability are not mere luxuries but essential foundations for a secure future. The choices made by the mother—allocating settlement funds to create trusts and secure premium education—illustrate a proactive approach to ensuring her kids have every opportunity available. Though it may seem emotionally difficult, experts agree that demanding financial sacrifices that could jeopardize this stability is not a fair expectation. For families facing similar dilemmas, clear communication about priorities remains key.

Furthermore, the dynamics of blending families can often lead to conflicts when financial responsibilities and differing values collide. Dr. Markham adds, “Relationships must be built on shared priorities. When one partner insists on conditions that could undermine the welfare of the children, it is a signal that their values may not be aligned.” In this case, the mother’s unwavering stance on education clearly highlights a divergence in priorities between her and Henry. His insistence on subsidizing additional expenses for his children—despite his financial struggles—reflects a mismatch in approach that could have led to persistent resentment and hardship.

The expert consensus advises that while companionship is important, no parent should compromise the fundamental needs of their children. Long-term stability, especially in education, forms the bedrock of a child’s future. When a partner’s demands threaten that foundation, it is not only reasonable but necessary to reconsider the relationship. In essence, safeguarding a child’s future through steadfast financial and educational planning is a decision that ultimately benefits the entire family.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The unified consensus among Redditors is clear: the mother’s decision to end the relationship was both justified and necessary. Commenters overwhelmingly praise her for prioritizing her children’s education and financial security over compromising with someone whose family demands could destabilize that environment.

They note that Henry’s insistence on equalizing schooling—even when it meant risking the outstanding opportunities her children already enjoy—displayed poor financial management and a lack of prioritization for her kids’ future. Many assert that if his children truly needed a mother, he should not have sacrificed their academic environment and that a partnership built on such conflicting values was doomed to create long-term resentment.

FitOrFat-1999 −

You OTOH have financial and educational security for your kids because of your choices with the settlement money and employment.  IMO marriage to Henry would be a disaster because your kids would hate Henry, his kids and you for pulling them from the best possible school for them. Frankly.

Henry sounds jealous of your kids' opportunities and would put his kids first in all ways. And ignore your

Turbulent_Ebb5669 − NTA, your basics don't align.

teresajs − NTA Henry makes more income than you but expected you to subsidize his and his kids lifestyle.  That's unfair to you and your kids. If you had married, he probably would have expected you to do the majority of childcare responsibilities in addition to spending down your your savings. . This man was using you.  You're better off without him.

RedSAuthor − Henry showed you who he is: a man who would sabotage your kids' futures so his kids don't feel left behind. That's not what a responsible parent would do.. He doesn't love you or your kids.. Good thing you found this out before marrying him... NTA

Mother_Search3350 − Henry does not want you.  He wants a mother for his children and your late husbands insurance money at the expense of your own children.  You have broken up with him. It's time to block him and focus on being a good parent to your children..  You are the only parent they have. 

There are many men out there who will come into your life to add value and not be a liability dragging 3 kids in tow. . He is a shameless grifter and financially irresponsible.

If he is a widower, what did he do with his late wife's life insurance money if he isn't using it to pay for his childrens education?  Also, anyone who tells you to do something that's not in the best interests of your minor children as their ONLY PARENT is not a good person or a good friend . NTAH 

2dogslife − You may love Henry, but he's got more than one red flag flying that would make marriage more than difficult: poor money management, he insists that his kids

he insists on your two sets of kids being equal instead of equitable, he's taking advantage of you spending money on him and his family (because he's incapable of setting and living by a budget or building savings).

I know plenty of people who found love in their 40s, some had nary a wrinkle in sight, while some had those wonderful character lines from a life well lived.. Don't set the bar so low, you can do better.

Oh_Wiseone − NTA - so his kids need a mom - you realize that means he will expect you to do all the daily things on raising children. Do you really have the time and desire to do this ? It’s his children. I think you dodged a bullet, as he is looking at you as a financial rescue and mother rescue.

Focus on your children and don’t worry about other men. When the right one comes along, that matches your values and life priorities, you will know. Your friends acts like you should be grateful that any man wants you. Really ?!?!?!

TNBD7301 − It’s a tough call, but you are NTA. It was good to get this in the open before marriage. You should not have to downgrade your children’s education that is mainly being paid for by their father’s sacrifice. I can see how it could be a problem in the marriage, so I think you did the right thing in breaking up.

Even if he says he will deal with it, I believe that there would be resentment on his part down the road. Sorry that you’re having to deal with this and very sorry for your loss of your husband (I am a widower as well). I hope the best for you and your children.

YouSayWotNow − NTA. And you need waaay better friends.

mismopeach − My now ex-h tried to pull the same stuff on me. The father of my children does pretty well financially and has set up our children for school, savings, cars, etc. I am a nurse and could never afford to provide these things for them on my own.

When I married my now ex, who also has two children the same age as mine, he wanted us to save for his kids college, but wouldn’t let me even keep my child support as savings for my kids because “my kids were already set up.” My kids’ money from their dad had nothing to do with my money I wanted to save.

My ex-h was a professor and made less money than I made, so I would put my entire paycheck into our shared money. But it wasn’t enough, he wanted the child support too. And I was an i**ot who handed it over so save our marriage because it was so important that his kids had what mine had.

So we ended up divorced because we had many fights over this and after that I had no money saved for my kids. The money that you got from the death of your children’s father has nothing to do with your new family and potential step kids. Continue doing what you’re doing for your kids. You won’t forgive yourself if you give into him and then you will resent him, which will probably lead to divorce

At its core, this post is about the difficult choices parents must sometimes make between their own happiness and the essential well-being of their children. While the heart aches at the end of a relationship, the priority remains clear: ensuring that her kids continue to benefit from a solid educational foundation, which is a legacy of her late husband’s sacrifice.

Now, the question remains for you, dear reader: in your experience, where should the line be drawn between personal fulfillment and familial responsibility? What would you do if faced with such a crossroads? Share your thoughts, stories, and advice in the comments below, and let’s discuss how to best balance the scales in challenging family situations.

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