Update: Aita for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me?

A turbulent undercurrent of suppressed emotions and mounting disillusionment runs through this update. The husband, caught in the web of betrayal and neglect, outlines the subtle erosion of trust and affection that once defined his marriage. With a poignant mix of regret and reluctant self-preservation, he shares his struggle to come to terms with a painful reality.

Set against the backdrop of a long-standing relationship that has slowly unraveled, the narrative paints a vivid picture of isolation and mounting despair. The reader is drawn into a story of emotional conflict, as well as the struggle to balance love with self-respect in the midst of a crumbling union.

For those who want to read the previous part: aita for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me?

‘update: aita for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me?’

anyway, to answer a few comments i got: my wife is unemployed and has been for the past few years. she was working in a very toxic company and ended up leaving due to it taking a toll on her mental health. i don’t care that she is unemployed as my salary is enough to support both of us comfortably.

the restaurant was only a 10 minute drive away from our home and she had the house keys so she was not locked outside. me and my wife have known each other since we were teenagers and have been married for 5 years, we have always got along well but things have steadily been going downhill since she has been unemployed.

i introduced my wife to playing games online after she was unemployed since she had a lot of free time and didn’t know what to do. i thought we could bond over this and i even ended up buying her a complete setup. as time has moved forward, my schedule has gotten a lot busier and she has been spending most of her time online and honestly has seemed quite disconnected from reality.

we have had many arguments about her change in attitude and lack of interest towards me in our relationship. most of the when we talk of if i tell her about something good that has happened to me, she says something out of pocket but always ends up playing it off as a joke if i press on it. despite this, she is also very lovely and sweet sometimes so don’t think of her a bad person.

anyway, for the update. i ended up messaging my wife while i was at my studio that i wanted to take some time to think first and that i would be coming back home in the morning to talk with her about what happened. i also apologised for leaving her and not telling her where i was going but she didn’t reply which is a little unusual considering she was blowing up my phone.

i got pretty worried that something had happened to her so i ended up driving back home at 2-3am in the morning. i found her drinking alcohol at home. i’ve had a suspicion for a while that my wife has been drinking ‘secretly’ but every time i try to ask her about it, she changes the topic or avoids me. when she saw me, she asked why did i come back home and that she didn’t want to see me.

she seemed pretty drunk so i tried to give her some water and sober her up a little but she just knocked it out of my hands and started yelling at me about how i embarrassed her, that i’m ruining everything for her and a lot of insults. after her outburst, she locked herself away in her bedroom.

i ended up looking through her pc (i’m not proud of that) after as i saw a few comments that she could be cheating on me or that she resents me and she has been sending nudes to multiple different people online. i haven’t really spoke to her since that happened or brought up what i have found.

this happened a few days ago. we have only said a few words here and then since that night. i have been staying for as long as i can at my studio everyday since this happened. i don’t know how to face my wife or even look at her anymore. it’s gotten to the point that i can’t even focus on my work properly anymore.

a lot of comments pointed at abuse and after really evaluating the relationship and how i’ve been treated these last few years, i can really see it. i was so blinded and kept thinking to myself that things would somehow get better but i think it’s best to take some time to myself now. i’ve spoken to a few lawyers about divorce but i’m still waiting.

i’m not sure where my wife will live or how she will support herself since i have been supporting her financially so i’m still trying to work things out. this probably be the only update i will make regarding this situation, so thank you again to everyone who commented and supported me.

Letting a long-term partner see the deeper layers of your life can feel like a monumental leap. In this case, however, the gradual accumulation of seemingly minor incidents has led to a point where the author no longer recognizes the warmth once present. His experience draws attention to how neglect and unresolved grievances can undermine a relationship’s foundation over time.

The author’s update paints a picture of emotional and psychological isolation. His wife’s secretive behaviors—ranging from covert alcohol use to online infidelity—coupled with dismissive and hurtful remarks, have left him questioning his self-worth and the viability of their bond. The slow erosion of trust is evident in every detail, from missed communication to the constant echo of unresolved conflicts.

Expanding on this specific case, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, “The ratio of positive to negative interactions in a relationship is crucial to its stability.” This insight highlights that sustained negative behaviors can overwhelm any isolated positive moments. The expert emphasizes that when the scales tip too far in favor of discontent, even long-established relationships can break under the weight of accumulated resentment, emphasizing the need for early intervention.

Addressing the broader issue, many experts suggest that open communication and professional guidance are essential. In situations where one partner feels persistently undermined, counseling can help reset the balance of interactions. Meanwhile, self-care becomes critical, ensuring individuals rebuild their self-esteem. For those in similar circumstances, seeking legal and therapeutic advice can be a crucial step toward rediscovering self-worth and creating a healthier future.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The overall sentiment among community members is clear: many agree that the husband’s decision to distance himself from a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship is justified. Readers overwhelmingly express that he deserves better—a partner who respects his contributions and cherishes his presence.

There is a common thread urging him to prioritize his well-being and emotional health, with several voices emphasizing the importance of seeking professional advice and self-care. In essence, the community consensus is that enduring such neglect and betrayal is unacceptable, and taking decisive steps toward recovery is paramount.

harryams52 − OP you definitely deserve a better partner than that.

Buttered_Crumpet09 − You know what you need to do. Your wife left her job and you've been supporting her for the sake of her mental health. In return, she is abusive, she belittles you and undermines your mental health, it seems like she puts zero effort into your relationship, and she's a cheat.

She says you're ruining everything for her, yet you're the one footing all the bills so that she can sit at home bitching with and sending nudes to her online friends and getting drunk. Make sure you gather evidence of her cheating, and when you end it and afterwards, make sure another person is present to witness it.

She is not going to react nicely to her meal ticket walking away even though she deserves it. After that, change the locks, put up cameras, and if she tries to turn people against you and tell lies, you'll have proof that she is a cheat and of any terrible behaviour. Then you take the time for yourself.

Abuse is insidious and you've been in this for so long that you need to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, and you need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like; the abuse crept into your relationship so gradually and insidiously that you thought it was all normal. It takes time, but you will heal from this.

Creepy-Stable-6192 − I'm sorry OP. Sounds like it's time to go your separate ways. Cheating is something that is very hard to get over and cannot be forgotten.

GellyG42 − I’m sorry you are going through this, it sucks. I’m sure you are aware that you do need to get away from this person before you get dragged down along with her, she’s in self destruct right now and doesn’t appear to be doing anything to help herself since you said it’s been YEARS since she left her job.

She’s unsupportive, unemployed, abusive, cheating and possible an a**oholic. Is that what you want for your future?. There is someone out there that will love and support you and that is what you need OP

OkLocksmith2064 − She is also very lovely and sweet sometimes so I don’t think of her as a bad person.. And also:. She has been sending nudes to multiple different people online.. My question: what are you waiting for? Seriously?

She is self sabotaging, do you wanna have the VIP seat and get burned in the process? Your marriage is in shambles, she is an a**oholic, a liar and a cheat. Do you know for sure that her job was toxic? Or was she the problem?

You need to find a lawyer and start the divorce. You’re not responsible for her miserable life, but for yourself.. You cannot make her see reason. You cannot save her, so save yourself.

National-Plastic8691 − Where she’ll live and how she’ll support herself isn’t your problem; that is the nature that if splitting up. And worrying about it is codependent, she’s got two feet and two hands and can work if she wants. It isn’t your concern or responsibility, in fact you taking care of her meant she didn’t have to take care of herself..

Read about alcoholics, al-anon, and codependency. Who gives an unemployed person a game system anyway? Give them classes to grow their skills for the next job or something to help them recover from the toxic workplace. She didn’t have nothing to do, she could have been learning or reading, maybe gaining new skills

TheHollowJester − i’m not sure where my wife will live or how she will support herself since i have been supporting her financially so i’m still trying to work things out In the gentlest way possible: this is not your problem anymore.

It can be difficult to accept after loving someone, and thinking about their wellbeing/doing things for them all of the time - but you are both going your own ways..She will have to care for herself, she's an adult. She'll make do.

PowerMonster866 − Smh 🤦🏾‍♂️ why are you still with her when she abuses you, cheats on you and disrespects you 🤦🏾‍♂️ it’s not your problem return her to her parents and move on !!!!

Vegetable-Cod-2340 − NTA. Op, so sorry, but once you get a lawyer listen to them. Don’t worry about where she lives or how she supports herself, those are questions she should have thought of before she did what she did, and are her issues now.. Just focus on your next breathe and moving forward.

CADreamn −

This update sheds light on the painful realities of drifting apart in a relationship marred by unhealed wounds and deceit. It’s a story that invites us all to reflect on when enough is enough and how best to reclaim our well-being in the face of continuous emotional hardship.

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the comments below – let’s discuss how we can all learn and grow from these challenging moments.

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