AITA for telling my kids mom that her husband can’t have my kids while she’s deployed?

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A routine co-parenting plan hit a speed bump when a military mom’s deployment dropped a bombshell on her ex. Picture a dad, steady as a rock for his two boys, suddenly facing a curveball: his ex-wife’s new husband wants to keep their kids half the time while she’s overseas. His answer? A firm no, backed by a legal agreement, but it’s kicked up a storm of hurt feelings and heated words that’s got everyone picking sides.

For this father, it’s about stepping up for his sons, not stepping on toes. But with the mom and stepdad crying foul, claiming he’s upending the kids’ world, Reddit became his sounding board. Is he guarding his role as dad or missing the bigger picture? This tale of loyalty, law, and love pulls us into a family tug-of-war where everyone thinks they’re right. Let’s unpack the mess.

‘AITA for telling my kids mom that her husband can’t have my kids while she’s deployed?’

Tag line says it all! But here’s some context. I (36m) have 2 kids with my ex, 9 and 11. We’ve been divorced for 3+ years and she remarried 2+ years ago. We have legit 50/50 custody and split everything down the middle pretty well. We have built a good routine for co parenting and things have been smooth for the last few years without any hostility.

If ever a time in the past where she had to leave for work she would ask me to watch them full time in her absence which u always do, happily. A few weeks ago she found out she’s deploying for 6 months overseas and asked if while she was gone her husband could kept the same routine 50/50.

I said no, that I had assumed I would have full responsibility of them. This upset them and it’s been a huge discussion ever since. She says I’m not thinking of the kids, their stability, their happiness. I argue that I disagree and that what parent wouldn’t want the opportunity to have them full again even if for a temporary time.

I tried to explain that just because they are with me that I won’t cut their other lives out completely. They don’t want to hear it. The husband tries to make demands, every solution I’ve come up with doesn’t work for him and I clearly the bad guy to them. I want to add that our custody agreement even states I get them if she deploys and we live in California. So even though I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, AITA?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

A deployment’s tough enough without custody battles, and this dad’s stand shows how fast family ties can tangle. Saying no to the stepdad wasn’t just about legal fine print—it was about his role as a father. But the pushback from his ex and her husband hints at deeper trust gaps. Let’s dive in.

The dad’s leaning on a custody agreement that’s clear: he gets the kids if she deploys. It’s a safety net for stability, especially for boys at 9 and 11, who need routine. The mom’s plea for her husband to keep 50/50 sounds like a bid to preserve normalcy, but the stepdad’s demands—barely two years into their lives—raise eyebrows. The dad’s offer to keep connections open shows flexibility, but their refusal suggests more about control than care.

This ties to a bigger issue: blending families post-divorce. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Issues found 65% of co-parents struggle with step-parent roles during transitions. Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, says, “Step-parents need time to earn trust, not assume it”. Here, the stepdad’s short tenure doesn’t outweigh a dad’s bond. Papernow’s lens suggests he’s overstepping, while the dad’s protecting, not punishing.

They could try mediation to set boundaries, like scheduled visits with the stepdad if the kids want. Open talks with the boys—once mom shares the news—could guide decisions. Readers, ever navigated a family shuffle like this? How do you balance legal rights with kids’ hearts? Weigh in below.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit jumped into this custody clash like it’s a courtroom drama, tossing out takes that range from legal eagle to gut-punch emotional. From backing the dad’s stand to questioning the stepdad’s motives, it’s a lively mix of cheers and jeers that’s got the thread buzzing. Check out the highlights:

Independent_Prior612 − Family law legal assistant here. Not a lawyer. Not your lawyer. The following is merely my personal opinion.. Legally, NTA based on what you have said the decree states. I’m curious where this is originating from. Does mom want it? Does step dad want it? Or do the kids want it and mom is playing bad guy to protect them from feeling like they are hurting your feelings?

If step dad wants it, it could be him making a power play in their marriage. But legally he has no standing and therefore needs to shut up and sit down. If mom wants it, it makes the most sense for her to petition the court to modify the custody order. Just to protect everyone by having it enforceable in writing.

Except that some provisions would need to be made for him to have legal powers in case something happens while they’re in his care. If the kids want it, I think you need to figure that out, and I strongly encourage you to make it clear to them they are not hurting you by asking.

Whatever the case, please make sure that any given adult’s “rights to the children” are balanced with the NEEDS of the children. From what I have seen in my experience, the two aren’t always synonymous and the latter is easily forgotten. (Not an accusation against anyone in your story. I’m just saying.)

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 − INFO. The custody agreement is with your wife, not her husband, so you're legally within your rights to keep 100% custody of the kids while she's gone. That having been said, how do your kids feel about this? They're the ones who should judge whether you're TA or not in this situation. Will they be happy that you're ripping them away from their friends and belongings for six months just to spite your ex's husband?

Maleficent_Tailor − As a mom, I probably would not expect 50\50 time for my husband if I was not around. But you should give them some time over there if they want to go. That is literally their home too, and they might get home sick. Give the step-dad a weekend or after school.

Again IF THE KIDS WANT. If the kids don’t ask about going over there then I wouldn’t bring it up. However, if mom and stepdad have built a good family dynamic the kids will miss stepdad just as much as they miss mom, so I would not want to take 2 parental figures away.

moew4974 − NTA. In my opinion, OP's kids are just a bit too young to have an opinion on this. They have a custody agreement in place that gives the natural father 100% custody if the mother is deployed. This is what should happen.

I'm sure the children have some sort of relationship with the stepfather, but to be honest, I would not be comfortable allowing a person who has only been in my children's lives for a couple of years have equal parenting time with my children during the total absence of their other parent.

I'm sorry, that's just not something I'd be willing to risk. If the children were older/teens or if the ex and her spouse had been married longer, probably. Just because they've lived in a home with this man while their mother was present doesn't necessarily mean he's trustworthy.

It doesn't mean he isn't, but I don't think I could blindly trust anyone that much when it's sometimes your own family of origin who perpetrate abuse and crimes against members of the family. This man isn't a someone that OP has known long enough to trust and in his position, I wouldn't either.

If the worst should happen to his ex wife during this deployment, stepfather's 'rights' would likely be a non-starter in court due to the length of time he's been part of their lives. Oh, he might get some visitation, but that's about it. OP has offered that, but that's not good enough?? I find the stepfather's insistence to be off putting, as well.

Infinite_Slide_5921 − Obviously NTA. Stepparent is a social role, not a legal one, and your ex's husband has no rights. For the children's benefit your should allow him visitation, so that their family life isn't disrupted, but there is no reason for him to claim equal rights with a parent.

This is especially true since he has only been in their lives for less than 3 years, and presumably has never had them for an extended period without their mother; frankly I am surprised he even wants that.

Famous-Ice6175 − What do the kids want?

DivorceTA1988 − My children are the same age and under no circumstances would I give them a choice or give the step parent 50% parenting time. Simply answer every objection with “I am following our divorce decree. We will return to our 50/50 schedule one you are back home.” One she has deployed you can see if the kids want to spend some time with him and facilitate that but only on your terms. 

UteLawyer − NTA. Your custody agreement gives you right of first refusal. The kids should be spending their time with a parent, not with some guy they met 2 or 3 years ago who might not have their best interests at heart.

Kooky_Warning236 − As a stepmother for over 20yrs, this makes no sense to me. Why would you send your kids to this man when you’re fully capable of having them yourself full time? Why is he fighting so hard for unsupervised time with them? As a stepmother, if I was in this situation, I would be a back up in case the other parent needed emergency child care or school pick up, but that’s on the discretion of the parent, not me. NTA

buffythebudslayer − The step husband’s insistence is alarming. Likelihood of abuse increases tenfold when a step parent is involved. There’s no reason for a step dad to have the kids over their actual dad. Nope.. NTA

These Redditors are serving up more than just opinions—they’re slicing through the drama with lawyerly logic and parental passion. Some wave the custody agreement like a flag, while others wonder what the kids might miss. But here’s the rub: is this about protecting young hearts or grown-up egos? The thread’s a juicy stew, but it leaves us hungry for what the boys think. What’s your call—did dad nail it, or is there room for compromise? Spill it below!

This deployment dilemma leaves us pondering where a dad’s rights meet a family’s needs. Was he wrong to hold the line, or is he just keeping his boys’ world steady? Reddit’s split, with some cheering his resolve and others urging a softer touch. The truth’s probably messier than a court order, but one thing’s clear: putting kids first means tough calls and open hearts. What would you do if a step-parent pushed for your kids’ time? Drop your thoughts below—let’s keep this family puzzle going!

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