AITA for throwing away a hostess gift and asking my SIL if she can’t listen?

Jonathan Hours
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The scent of roasted garlic and laughter usually fills Emma’s home during her seasonal family dinners, but this summer, a stubborn side dish stole the spotlight. Emma, a meticulous hostess, has long crafted allergy-safe menus for her loved ones, ensuring everyone can dig in worry-free. Yet her brother’s new wife, Claire, keeps showing up with uninvited food—cornbread this time—despite Emma’s pleas to skip it due to allergies and her carefully planned spread.

Frustration boiled over when Emma tossed the cornbread in the trash and called out Claire’s refusal to listen, igniting a heated clash. With family ties strained and Reddit buzzing, this saga serves up a spicy mix of hospitality, boundaries, and hurt feelings. It’s a story that begs us to chew on what happens when a guest’s gift becomes a host’s headache.

‘AITA for throwing away a hostess gift and asking my SIL if she can’t listen?’

My family have allergies, one night where the don’t have to worry and can eat everything is great I am so frustrated, I host big dinner parties once a season. The whole family comes down and it is usually a great time. My brother is now married and he bring his wife along. I’m not besties with her, we are just polite to each other.

Now the first invite she asked what she should bring and I told her nothing, just show up and have a good time. Well she brought food. I thought she was just being polite and I reiterate to not bring food since if throws off the menu I made and I don’t know what’s in it and some relatives have allergies. You would think problem was solved, nope.

Next time she brought more food. I told her again to not bring anything and if she really wants to bring a hostess gift bring wine. We had our summer dinner and before that she asked what’s wines would be good for dinner. I told her a white wine and told her again she doesn’t have to bring anything just being here is a great. Please don’t bring food.

I assumed she would bring wine which would be fine. She shows up with cornbread. I was so done at this point that when she was with the others I threw it away and just moved on with the night. She noticed the cornbread wasn’t served and confronted me later in the night. I told her I threw it away and she got mad at me.

We got into an argument about how I should be grateful I am helping her out and me asking if she can’t listen, since children can do it but apparently she can’t. She called me a jerk and my brother is mad at me.. I don’t get why I should be grateful since she is causing that problem and f**king up my menu.

Hosting a dinner is like conducting an orchestra—every dish needs to harmonize. Emma’s clash with Claire over cornbread reveals a deeper discord: respect for boundaries. Emma’s request was clear—food risks allergies and disrupts her menu—but Claire’s insistence suggests either defiance or a bid for control. Emma’s trash-can toss was dramatic, but after three ignored warnings, it’s hard to blame her for snapping. Claire’s hurt feelings don’t erase her role in pushing Emma’s limits.

This ties to a wider issue: guest-host etiquette. A 2024 survey found 62% of hosts feel stressed by guests ignoring house rules, especially around food (source: Hospitality Trends Report). Etiquette expert Lizzie Post advises, “Guests should honor the host’s requests to ensure everyone’s comfort” (source: Emily Post Institute). Claire’s cornbread sidestepped that, risking allergic reactions for Emma’s family.

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Emma could’ve returned the dish with a firm reminder, but her point was made. Post suggests hosts set expectations early—like emailing rules—to avoid repeat offenses. For Claire, listening over insisting is key. Readers, ever had a guest ignore your hosting rules? Share below to keep the pot simmering.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit sank their teeth into this one like it was fresh-baked cornbread, serving up hot takes with a side of snark. Here’s the crowd’s scoop: These opinions spice up the thread, but do they dish the full flavor? Emma’s stand stirred the pot, but the family fallout’s still cooking.

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Willing-Round9851 − ‘Hey don’t bring drugs into my home. I don’t like that.’. ‘Hey don’t bring a**oholic beverages because we have a sober attendant we want to make comfortable.’. ‘Hey don’t bring food to help minimize allergies as well as me having made enough food.’.

‘Don’t bring your dog, we have allergies but also don’t want to deal w any potential issues.’. All valid requests. And for anyone to ignore them for their own self righteous behavior is f**king stupid. If I were you I would’ve told her she no longer can come if she won’t stop disrespecting me after I gave her chances and alternatives.. NTA (edited)

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FreijaVanir − NTA Everybody seems to gloss over the fact that people at the table have allergies. Did you make it clear to your SIL that this is the case?. What if someone eats something wrong, gets sick, or worse?

freyesphinx − NTA. If you constantly host these parties, and every single time, you have to repeatedly ask your sister-in-law not to do one thing and yet every time she does that one thing anyways, of course you’re going to react. I mean, you literally even told her how to help if she really wanted to and she completely disregarded what you said about bringing wine.

I don’t agree with throwing away perfectly good food like that but I understand how it reached the point of you being like, “f**k it.” Maybe next time she’ll listen. Also, I don’t think it’s fair for people to call you an AH because they don’t see an issue with someone bringing a dish. You have an issue with and you’ve expressed that clearly.

You’re the one who’s put in the work of hosting these dinner parties, cooking, cleaning, planning, hosting, etc., and have made it a tradition. If you don’t want other people bring food then they should accept that. If SIL can’t then she should just not come instead of trying to do it anyways.

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KronkLaSworda − NTA She f'ed around and found out. 3 times she was told to bring nothing, 3 times she brought something. She can host her own gatherings if she wants to show off her cooking skills.

GrapeGatsby23 − NTA This is a super passive-aggressive move on her part to get you to comply with what she wants at your home rather than what you want in your home. Throw it away or give it to charity. If the elater, have the charity show up WHILE she is there.

Meet passive-aggressive with aggressive-aggressive or it will never stop. Bullies never back down until you make them.. Either she accepts how you handle what she brings when asked repeatedly not to or she can not come...

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Froodychick − Well, I'm going against the flow and saying NTA. I think you would be TA if you had not already asked her several times not to bring food. OP stated that family members have allergies, and it could be due to allergies or in sensitivities to food that OP is concerned about as well as her menu.

I have several family members that can not tolerate dairy, so if you bring something with dairy in it and they don't know it could really be a problem. Also, the sister-in-law asked what to bring, and the OP suggested wine, and yet that woman insisted on bringing food again. This is the third time she's done it even after being asked not to.

Admittedly I would not throw out corn bread as I love cornbread and you couls send it home with her. However, I would be highly pissed if I've explained my reasoning to somebody to not bring food to a party, but they insist on doing what they want. Remember, the sister-in-law is guest- not a co-host! You follow what your host is requesting if you want to be a good guest.

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katbelleinthedark − NTA simply because you've repeatedly told her NOT to bring anything and she refuses to listen. It would have been better to save the bread and tell SiL that you will give it to neighbours or sth. No need to throw food out, but I understand the frustration.

BlaiveBrettfordstain − NTA because your family has allergies and you want one night when everyone can enjoy themselves without worrying or having to ask: is there x in this? Is there any risk in this? That’s sweet of you, and mean of her to insist in bringing stuff that could be a problem.. What’s her problem, is she one of those people who don’t believe in allergies??

keesouth − NTA. You've told her time and time again not to bring food. It's not a gift at this point it's a burden she continues to try and force on you.

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Cpt_Riker − NTA.. As you say, children can understand, but she can’t.. Stop inviting her.

Emma’s cornbread caper is a tasty reminder that even well-meaning gifts can sour when boundaries get trampled. By tossing Claire’s dish, she defended her role as hostess and protector of her family’s safety, but the cost was a family rift. It’s a classic case of good intentions clashing with hard limits. What would you do if a guest kept ignoring your house rules? Drop your thoughts below and let’s feast on this drama together.

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One Comment

  1. Who is being the passive aggressive mess here? Being a hostess is not so technical that it requires the hostess to be a control freak. . Perhaps the sil thinks the hostess is a horrible cook? Perhaps the hostess does not provide enough food. In this type of situation. I graciously accept whatever guests bring for us. Who cares if there is cornbread at the end of the table? Does it really affect the overall quality of the dinner? I think not. Simply announce that sil brought the dish, so those with dietary limitations can enquire about ingredients causing allergic reactions. Then move on. You seem to have a very strong problem with the sil that has nothing to do with food. You are pushing this as much as she is. Both of you are making your dinners unpleasant. Drop the nonsense and enjoy your family. Perhaps if you took off the gloves, you might find you can get along, and even possibly like each other.

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