AITA for calling my husband selfish for breaking his word to our daughter?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a world where every small promise matters, family decisions can sometimes spark unexpected emotions. A seemingly simple choice about a child’s activity can reveal deeper issues of trust and autonomy. The story unfolds with a young girl, passionate about baseball yet ready to carve her own path, only to find that external pressures can disrupt even the best-laid plans.

On a cool, thoughtful morning, tensions rise as a broken promise shakes a family’s core. A husband’s well-intended but misguided decision to accommodate others collides with a mother’s steadfast commitment to her daughter’s wishes. This narrative, full of relatable dilemmas and candid confessions, invites readers into a journey of conflict, reflection, and the quest for balance in parenting decisions.

‘AITA for calling my husband selfish for breaking his word to our daughter?’

So this is about our youngest daughter,“Eve”. Eve is in third grade. She’s played baseball since kindergarten. She came to us this year telling us she doesn’t want to play ball this year. I was so happy because this was an independent decision from her. She’s always been a people pleaser. She’s also extremely sensitive at times.

My husband and I told her she didn’t have to if she didn’t want too. However, my husband got a call from one of the coaches last night asking if Eve could play ball as there’s not enough kids this year signed up for teams. My husband told him to ask others first, but if they couldn’t find more kids, she’d play. I was really upset at this as we’d already gave her our word.

We argued a bit, and he said sometimes we have to make sacrifices for others, and how it wasn’t fair to the other kids that wanted to play. I told him it sucks for the other kids, but they’re not my main priority. And it’s selfish to force someone to do something for the benefit of another. I woke up today feeling like crap.

My husband and I don’t argue a lot as we agree on most things, but I think he was in the wrong. Eve is very smart. She’s a straight A student, but she’s the type of person who will apologize if she thinks you’re mad at her.

I was so happy she had made an independent decision because it’s a big step for a people pleaser. I’m scared this could set her back. The coach is supposed to call us back this weekend on whether they have enough players or not. So AITA for calling my husband selfish?

Update: Just got a call from my husband. He has apologized on all fronts. He’s going to try to be home around 5:30 so we can talk more in depth about everything. Will update again once he’s home and we’ve talked.

Update 2: Eve was at my mil’s for the afternoon while we talked. We sat down and talked for awhile. He admitted that as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew he was wrong. But as soon as he was off the phone, I pounced on him. He panicked and doubled down. My husband has always been one to help out anytime someone needed something.

I didn’t attribute this to being a people pleaser but just kind in general. But y’all were right. He does have a hard time saying no. He said he felt pressured, but should have said no regardless. He feels if they can’t get a team together, he feels it’s his fault, but that shouldn’t come at Eve’s expense.

He feels sad because it feels like a tradition is coming to an end. She’s growing up, and maybe she doesn’t want to spend as much time with him. I reassured him that isn’t the case. He liked her playing sports because it got her out of the house and off the tablet. He says we need to manage her screen time better. With this topic, I agreed.

Eve knows nothing about this situation. But he wants to sit her down and explain so that he can properly apologize. I asked if it was to assuage his guilt. He said it’s to help explain that parents aren’t fool proof. We make mistakes sometimes with the best of intentions. He feels it could help with open dialogue in the future if she doesn’t agree with a decision we made.

I’m not sure I agree on this. Part of me understands where he’s coming from, but I’m worried she’ll still be hurt knowing that he had made a decision that disregarded her feelings. He called the coach and let him know Eve won’t be playing this year as her heart isn’t in to it, and as a parent he has to respect that.

He was bummed but understood. With all this addressed, I think we’re going to google how to break the people pleasing habit. Sorry it took so long to update. After we got Eve, we played outside and made dinner so it took awhile.

Letting your partner’s decision override a child’s choice can have unforeseen consequences. In this case, the daughter’s independent decision to quit baseball was dismissed by her father’s impulse to meet external demands. This oversight not only disturbed established family trust but also set a confusing precedent about prioritizing others’ needs over personal boundaries.

The conflict exposes a broader issue: the challenges of balancing community obligations with individual autonomy. When adults struggle to say “no” due to people pleasing tendencies, it inadvertently teaches children that their personal wishes may be secondary. Such behavior risks undermining a child’s confidence and sense of self-determination.

According to Dr. Laura Markham from Aha! Parenting, “Keeping your word is one of the key pillars in building trust with your child; when promises are broken, even with good intentions, it sends a mixed message about reliability and care.” Dr. Markham’s insight underscores how essential it is to honor commitments in order to cultivate secure relationships within the family, even when external pressures mount.

To move forward, parents are encouraged to reflect on their own habits and engage in open discussions about mistakes. By accepting responsibility, apologizing genuinely, and explaining the reasons behind decisions, families can repair trust and provide valuable lessons in accountability. Embracing these discussions allows everyone to grow while ensuring that a child’s voice remains a priority in family decisions.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The general consensus among the Reddit community is that a child’s independent decision should always be given top priority in family matters. Many believe that the daughter’s choice reflects a critical step toward asserting her autonomy, and they commend the mother for standing firmly by her side. Comments frequently highlight that the father’s people-pleasing behavior led to a broken promise, setting a poor example of consistency and respect for personal boundaries.

Overall, users agree that while the father’s intentions may have been well-meaning, parents must take care not to let external pressures compromise their commitment to a child’s well-being. This collective sentiment encourages a more balanced approach to family decisions, reinforcing that honoring a child’s voice is paramount.

Similar-Traffic7317 − NTA Poor Eve, imagine being forced to play a sport you don't want to. Especially after your parents said it would be okay to stop.. Eve is going to have trouble trusting you both in the future.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Daughter made a decision and dad decided to override for other kids. He probably thinks he’s doing the team a big favor but completely ignoring daughters wishes

Sleepwalker0304 − NTA but your husband is. Also...why are there so many kids suddenly not wanting to play to where they can't fill a team? Has anyone given Eve an

Confident-Baker5286 − NTA- not only is he going back on his word but this would teach her that it is her job to sacrifice her needs for others. That is a bad and potentially dangerous lesson to teach a young woman

kam49ers4ever − NTA, but I don’t know if selfish is the correct word. Sounds like your daughter might get that people pleasing trait from her father? He seems to be doing the same thing: he’s so caught up in pleasing others that he can’t see how that’s damaging himself and his daughter. It would be a different story if she wanted to quit mid season.

I would understand and support him in insisting that she had a commitment to the others to stick it out. He is absolutely wrong in this situation. Your daughter has made an age appropriate decision and you’re right to support her. Sit down and ask your husband, as calmly and nonjudgementaly as you can, why he thinks that your daughter should do this?

And what lessons he thinks she would learn from this? Calmly ask him if he’s intending to teach her that she should sacrifice herself for other people. Because yes, it’s important to teach your children to think of others, be kind, and generous. It’s also important to teach your children how to set some boundaries so they’re not taken advantage of.

Intelligent-Fun2009 − So strangers are more important to your husband than his own child? That’s weird people pleasing behavior. You don’t have to cut off your own nose to spite your face. You can say no. NTA

Maximal_gain − NTA but you might want to tell him he will destroy your daughter’s trust in both of you. That is something that can almost never be fixed. I was pulled out of soccer by my father and I never trusted him after that. It was my sport and he was upset when I got older and said no to playing any sport after that.

LeatherworkerNorCal − Sounds like your husband is a people pleaser. My mom is the same and used to volunteer me for things ALL the time. From babysitting bratty kids to modeling bathing suits to helping out in a men's wear store with a creepy owner. She put me in a lot of situations I didn't want to be in. That was 50 years ago and I'm still pissed.

LOL She just couldn't say no to people if they asked, but she could easily say no to me if I told her I wasn't going to do it.. Your husband needs to know that this isn't his decision, it's your daughters and she has spoken.

Quirky_Passage_5200 − NTA Eve might never trust you both or herself again. She made a decision and you both backed her up, I am sure it boosted her self-esteem. Tell your husband not to let her down m

Finicky-phatgurl − So your husband wants to teach your daughter to put herself and wants last to make others happy?

In conclusion, this story reminds us that even well-intended decisions can have unforeseen emotional impacts when family promises are broken. It raises important questions about balancing personal autonomy with communal responsibilities.

We invite you, the reader, to share your thoughts: What would you do if faced with a similar dilemma? How do you balance the need to help others while ensuring that your personal commitments remain intact? Join the conversation and let us know your experiences and insights.

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