AITAH For telling my wife she’s free to find a hotel room if she doesn’t want my daughter here?

Jonathan Hours
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The glow of a laptop screen lit up his face as he video-called his daughter, Ana, her voice tinged with homesickness from across the globe. At 16, she yearned to return to the familiarity of her dad’s house, where her old room now held his desk. He was ready to welcome her, heart full of plans to rebuild her space. But when he shared the idea with his wife, her icy response stopped him cold: Ana wasn’t welcome in their home.

This isn’t just about a spare room—it’s about family and where loyalty lands. His wife’s refusal, paired with her claim that Ana’s a stranger to her and their toddler, sparked a firestorm that ended with a hotel room jab. Readers might feel his bind: a dad torn between his daughter’s need and his wife’s resistance. As silence settles, what’s the cost of choosing love over peace?

‘AITAH For telling my wife she’s free to find a hotel room if she doesn’t want my daughter here?’

My daughter Ana is 16 years, she was an 'accident' when I was 24, Ana's mother and I were never together as a couple 'cause it was a one-night stand but we have maintained a friendly and healthy co-parenting since she was born and we became good friends.

My daughter's has been living on another continent for a few years with her mother and stepfather, but she wants to comeback because she doesn't feel comfortable there and misses her family and friends, Ana doesn't knows their lenguage well and it's still hard for her to learn it fully so she feels really lonely there since it is different to speak your native language than to make friends by speaking a foreign language from 0.

I spoke with my daughter's mother and we thought it was a good idea to let Ana live with me, her room is now my home office but I can easily put together a room for her again. We didn't confirm anything, I talked to my wife about it first and I was sure that she was going to be okay with that because we literally talked about that possibility before.

The problem is that my wife doesn't want that to happen, my wife and Ana have never been close because they only meet in person for our wedding when I was able to pay a ticket for my daughter to come (That was the last time I saw my daughter in person too, plane tickets are too expensive), but they do tend to talk a little bit when I make video calls with Ana everyday but not too much.

Ana also talks to her brother and he likes her a lot even if they just see each other in video call. My wife says Ana is not going to feel comfortable in a house with strangers and I told her that we are literally her family and she said no, she and our toddler are not Ana's family because they barely knows her in person.

It honestly hurts me that she thinks that way but I understand her point of view, altough our toddler IS Ana's brother and it really annoyed me that she said that because our little one really loves his sister even if they just see each other online.

I had an argument with my wife about it and I ended up telling her that my daughter will always come first of all, because it's true, for me my children will always come before any other person and she knew very well about my daughter when we married.

My wife got angry and said that bringing Ana home would change how we handle ourselves and that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, she said that Ana lived with her mother in another continent so it's not the same as having her right here everyday.

I told her that no one is asking her to be a stepmother because I will be the one who take care of her as always (My daughter used to stay many days and even months with me and I was the one who took care of her, I'm not going to give my wife all the work because I was a 'single father' for a long time and I know how to take care of my daughter.

I work, I clean, I cook, I take full care of our son when she works and wants to go out and do something just like she does with me. We both support each other in raising our son, I don't know why many people is so shocked about the fact that I take responsabilidad of my own child) but that if she doesn't respect my daughter's presence in the house and hates it that much then she has all the freedom to go to a hotel room..

I was a big i**ot because those words obviously ended up really bad and we had a worse argument. My daughter has every right to live in my house if she wants but my wife doesn't wants that, I really love my wife but my biggest focus is to give the best to my children and I would love to have my princess here after years.

My wife hasn't been talking to me at all and she's very angry, but she does continue with the same stance that she doesn't want Ana here at all and I know i will get angry and we will end up arguing again because I'm not going to leave my daughter alone neither.

Blended families are like tightrope walks—one misstep can shake the whole line. The dad’s push to bring Ana home is pure parental instinct, but his wife’s pushback reveals a chasm in their partnership. Her refusal to embrace Ana, even framing her as a stranger, isn’t just about logistics—it’s a rejection of the family he’s built. His hotel comment, while harsh, was a desperate line in the sand for his daughter’s sake.

This echoes a broader challenge: stepfamily dynamics. A 2024 study by the Family Process Institute found 55% of stepparents struggle with integrating stepchildren, often due to unclear roles (familyprocess.org). The wife’s stance—dodging stepmom duties—clashes with the reality of marrying a dad.

Psychologist Patricia Papernow says, “Stepfamilies thrive when adults commit to all the kids, not just their own” (stepfamilies.info). Here, the wife’s resistance risks alienating Ana, while the dad’s solo-parent plan overlooks shared responsibility. Papernow’s insight suggests both need to bend—she to accept Ana, he to ease her fears.

For solutions, therapy could bridge the gap. They might start with a neutral talk: “How can we make Ana’s move work for everyone?” If the wife holds firm, Papernow advises prioritizing the child—Ana’s loneliness trumps adult discomfort. Readers, how do you blend a family without breaking it? Share below.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s posse didn’t mince words, swinging from fiery support to grim predictions. Here’s the crowd’s take:  These hot takes are Reddit’s wild side—part battle cry, part crystal ball. But do they nail the stakes, or just fan the flames?

Bewitchingchick − Your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmother. Full stop. 🛑. She doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She’s going to be awful to her.. I would reevaluate my relationship had anyone told me this.. *edit, the fact this woman doesn’t realize she IS a stepmother already is absolutely insane and fucked up. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

ProfPlumDidIt − Tbh, your marriage is over.  Your wife openly doesn't want your daughter around and, even if she claims to change her mind to keep the marriage, it would be a lie. Even if she tried to pretend, people pick up on it when they aren't wanted or liked, so your daughter would literally feel your wife's dislike. . You cannot bring your daughter into a home with your wife. It would harm her. 

aeroeagleAC − How do you marry someone without ever having a conversation about this possibility? Edit: thanks to those that have pointed out that my question is now in the post and seem to forget that editing is a thing.

professionaldrama- − You love a woman who hates your daughter. You keep saying she won’t abuse your daughter but oh, boy! She started a power play and if you think she’ll stop… I will feel sorry for your daughter if you stay with your wife and make your poor daughter live with that woman who I bet will make everything to show her she’s not family.

Stinkytheferret − Dude! Your daughter absolutely comes first! In what world is she thinking ? Yeah, if she doesn’t like it, she should head to the hotel or whatever. Expect this may finish things. I think you know. In no world should you really be fighting about including your daughter. So if this is going to end things, be honest with your daughter if the tension indeed heads your way.

Plan on the wife leaving and a divorce. DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN. Your daughter will make a relationship with her little brother. Your wife’s comment is so stupid. It’s an excuse. She IS A STEPMOTHER! She got involved with a man that has children and an ex baby mama. Sorry! Those are the way the rules roll for everyone. Perhaps your wife’s true character is showing? It’s not a good look.

She needs to be the adult and make the effort with your daughter. She’s just mad to think she has to share the family lane with her. What a B!. Yea defend your daughters right to come back to HER HOME! (On that, if the home is in your name only still, I’d probably be sure your will states your daughter and son get this home 50/50.

And decide what wife gets. If something happens to you after daughter comes in, I seriously doubt wife lets her stay. So draw out the terms. Daughter stays. Daughter gets 50%? Son gets 50%. Wife gets what? What do you have for her? In this case, if you stay married, (sorry) then maybe you have a death benefit and she gets a portion?

RNGinx3 − NTA. Too often you see second wives wanting their baby to be the new family, with the previous children

DangerZonePete − Ooof. Tough situation OP. Sorry you’re going through this.. Way to stand up for your daughter. She’s lucky to have you. How did you and your wife talk about this possibility before you got married? How long ago was that? What is your sense of her true disagreement here? The idea of bringing someone new into the house and family is a huge change, especially with a 2 year old at home.

Maybe she was ok with the idea at one point, and now she’s not. Maybe she was never ok with it in the first place and thought it would never happen. Maybe she’s potentially ok with it, but is just o**rwhelmed and scared she won’t be able to handle having two kids. As much as you say she won’t need to step-mom your daughter, she will. Marriage is a partnership, and so is parenting and step-parenting.

Your daughter moving in is A) your responsibility as a father and B) a massive change to your wife’s life. You’re not the a**hole, but if you really want what’s best for your family you should figure out if your wife is serious about not liking/wanting your daughter or just struggling with the thought of raising a second child.

WhatHappenedMonday − Not picking sides here. But if your wife leaves so does your son. Everyone is screaming put your child first. You may have your daughter full time and your son 50/50. Doubt they would take a toddler away from a woman you say is a wonderful mother. I think the rock and the hard place is a lot harder than you think.

CabbageSass − Unless there is something you aren't disclosing about Ana, your wife is of questionable character for not allowing your daughter to live with the family. She is a part of the family whether your wife wants her to be or not.

ButterflyLow5207 − Op, I think your wife posted. She got roasted if I remember correctly. You are NTA. Of course you'd give your daughter a home!

This family feud cuts deeper than a room assignment—it’s about who gets to call a house home. Was he wrong to snap about a hotel, or was his wife’s rejection of Ana the real fracture? His love for his daughter shines, but the silence with his wife hints at tougher roads ahead. Blending families isn’t easy, but it starts with open hearts. Should he stand firm or seek peace? What would you do when family lines get drawn? Drop your thoughts below—let’s untangle this knot.

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