I told my friend we should wait until his divorce is over, now he’s moving in with someone?

Jonathan Hours
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In a world where matters of the heart often come with a tangled web of timing and boundaries, this story captures the bittersweet reality of modern dating. A long-time friend, caught in the midst of a divorce, finds himself at a crossroads when a potential relationship is delayed. The narrative paints a vivid picture of emotional conflict, highlighting the courage it takes to stand by one’s principles amid societal pressures.

The tale unfolds with honest reflections and relatable dilemmas. With a charming yet thoughtful tone, the story immerses us in a scenario where personal boundaries clash with the swift pace of change. It invites readers to explore the complexity of love and the consequences of decisions made in the thick of emotional turmoil.

‘I told my friend we should wait until his divorce is over, now he’s moving in with someone?’

A few months ago, my friend (38 M) told me (37 F) that he and his wife were getting divorced. About 5 months into his separation, he asked me on a date. We’ve known each other for almost 10 years and I always found him attractive and felt like we had good chemistry. But he was in a relationship so it obviously never went anywhere other than friendship.

When he asked me out, I honestly didn’t not want to date a married man, so I told him that we should stick to being friends until he’s officially divorced. Plus, I didn’t want to risk him going back to his wife or being a rebound. I read a lot about dating separated or recently divorced men and most was not good.

He kind of distanced himself for a bit after that. Fast forward and he’s now in - what seems to be - a really serious relationship. Apparently, there was another woman out there that had no issue dating a married man. She started seeing him before his divorce.

Now, they’re moving in together and talking marriage less than 6 months after his divorce. I feel kind of bad about myself because I guess he really was ready to move on from his marriage. Did I make the right decision to turn him down?

Letting someone guide their relationship timeline during a transitional phase can be both challenging and revealing. The situation here underscores a common dilemma—balancing personal values with the unpredictable pace of emotional transitions. While the OP chose to protect her integrity by setting clear boundaries, the eventual turn of events brings to light an essential dynamic in modern dating.

The decision to delay a potential relationship until marital ties are officially severed is not uncommon. It points to a deep-seated desire to engage only in relationships that start with a clean slate. Although waiting may shield one from short-term complications, it can sometimes lead to missed opportunities when timing doesn’t align with evolving emotions. This divergence between intention and outcome highlights the inherent unpredictability of human relationships.

Broadening the lens, the narrative raises questions about societal expectations and personal readiness. Research indicates that nearly 40% of individuals feel conflicted about dating during transitional periods (source: The Gottman Institute). Such statistics reflect the struggle between maintaining personal standards and facing the rapid evolution of one’s romantic life. This broader perspective on relationship dynamics calls for a balanced view on timing and decision-making.

According to renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “Clear communication and established boundaries are key to navigating transitional relationships.” This quote encapsulates the core message for anyone facing similar dilemmas. Dr. Gottman’s observation reminds us that while it is crucial to uphold one’s values, remaining flexible and communicative can also open avenues to emotional growth. His insights provide a grounded perspective to those in the midst of relationship transitions.

Building on expert advice, there are practical steps one can consider when facing these decisions. Open conversations about expectations and emotional readiness are crucial. Engaging with a trusted friend or professional counselor can also offer clarity and reaffirm personal choices. Ultimately, understanding that personal timelines differ helps in embracing each individual journey while keeping the door open for future possibilities.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous. It appears the conversation is as lively as ever, mixing empathy with a touch of wit. While some applaud the choice to set boundaries, others remark on the unpredictable nature of relationships. Do these opinions capture the full picture, or is there more than meets the eye?

CaffeinenChocolate − You made the decision that you felt was right for you. You said that you don’t feel comfortable in dating a man going through an active seperation or divorce, and that is absolutely your right. You stayed true to what you believe, and that’s what’s most important. He was able to find someone who was, and who he happened to like.

You will absolutely find someone that you like, and who checks your immediate boxes as well. You can’t beat yourself up over a decision that you made, which was made out of respect for yourself, solely because the outcome wasn’t what you expected. You didn’t allow yourself to get pressured into crossing your boundaries, and there’s nothing more important than that.

It’s definitely an ego-hit when someone chooses to move on; but you chose to do what you wholeheartedly believed in, so there’s no reason to beat yourself up over it.. He found someone - but you absolutely will too.. Sometimes things don’t always play out in our favour, and that’s totally okay.. ETA: HOLY S**T. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THE UPVOTES!

Brilliant_Force_3082 − You just dodge a bullet of a man who can not be alone. He was going to jump into a relationship with the first opportunity.. You want someone who wants you for you, not see you as an opportunity

inko75 − Eh, a lot of married folk go through a year or two where the marriage is over but they haven’t mustered up the guts to end things, so when it does end, it feels more like it’s been a couple years not months. Also, my divorce took 8 months to finalize and we were working together fully amicably but the stupid county kept nit picking random crap back at our joint attorney, but the initial filing for general legal purposes is when the marriage is “over”.

It does sound like this dude is a bit impulsive and sounds like you are the opposite 😂 that can work! But it could also be messy and I think that’s the more likely thing here. But, it’s sort of eh to outright judge someone as “still married” when it’s often the court system just doing its thing. A better gauge would be to talk to that person and see where they’re at overall.

RockHound86 − Apparently, there was another woman out there that had no issue dating a married man. No, she had no issue dating a *seperated* man. It's perfectly common and acceptable for separated people to start dating. It's also perfectly acceptable for you to decide not to date a separated man, but choices have consequences.. Did I make the right decision to turn him down?. Only you can decide that.

audra_williams − I think five months after a separation is a reasonable time to start dating. I also don't think I'd expect someone to wait for me until I was formally divorced. That process (in Canada anyway) takes at least a year. Depending on what the end of someone's marriage was like (sometimes things feel like they've been over for a long time),

a year might be longer than they want to wait to find out if a crush could be more than that. As for if he's moving on too soon, I really don't think there are hard and fast answers about that sort of thing. Maybe this new person is just a great fit and your friend thinks it's worth the risk of finding out!

sera24 − You made the right decision. Just because he is moving on with her, doesn’t mean it will last and it also doesn’t mean he would have wanted that with you either.

Brilliant-Tear-8938 − It sounds like you made the right move for yourself. You two were on completely different pages.

ponchoacademy − Gotta say, I'm disheartened by how many people are hoping/expecting his relationship will fail and he's the sort who will just come back to her as a second option, and other such things. Ofc, I don't know much, or as much as they do about him. All I know is she described him as someone she considered a friend..

Of over 10yrs so a long lasting friendship, someone she found attractive, and her only thing was she didn't want to date him going through a divorce, it had to be finalized first. I'm not sure if everyone is trying to burn her like she's not capable of choosing good friends, if there's something wrong with her for finding him attractive.

Cause I didn't see anything from her about him being this terrible person who deserves his relationships to fail or she's someone who comes off as second choice. Pretty cruel when all she's doing is trying to sort through her feelings over turning him moving on after she turned him down. She chose not to date him, which is fair. He felt he was ready to date and met someone, which is also fair. That's kind of it.

[Reddit User] − You really never know. You could have gotten together and had a beautiful relationship, maybe it would have been s**t though.

cryptolyme − no point in asking since he already found someone else. i guess he thought you weren't that interested in him and didn't want to waste his time.

In conclusion, this story serves as a reminder of the delicate balance between self-respect and the unpredictable tides of love. While the decision to wait until the divorce was finalized stemmed from genuine self-care, the subsequent turn of events prompts us to examine how timing and expectations shape our relationships. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts, experiences, and advice in the comments below.

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