AITAH for holding to my rules about paying for my children’s education?

The kitchen clock ticked softly, but tension roared as Ellen faced her youngest, Alice, eyes blazing over a broken promise. A single mom to three daughters, Ellen had always dangled a golden deal: full college funding, no loans, if they jumped straight into school. Her twins thrived—one in psychology, one in tattoos—but Alice, 19, chose a gap year to “relax,” sleeping past noon with no job, no plan.

Now, Alice’s demand for tuition cash has Ellen standing firm, her retirement looming. Readers might feel that clash of love and limits, picturing their own family standoffs. When Alice hurls insults, Ellen’s resolve holds, but her heart wavers. Is sticking to rules tough love, or a lesson too harsh for a young dreamer?

‘AITAH for holding to my rules about paying for my children’s education?’

 

I am a single mother to 3 daughters. Twins 21f and ‘Alice’ 19f. I told my daughters since they were in elementary school that if they pursued higher education, I would pay for it. They would not have to take out loans or worry whatsoever. This applied to any sort of program, university, community college, trade, etc.

My only rules were that they were to share their grades with me at the end of each semester of course and that they must go straight into whatever program they chose. No gap years or going back to school when they were older. I always encouraged college, but in no way forced it.

One of my twins took me up on this and she is currently a senior with a major in psychology, and my other twin did not and is currently in the tattoo artist industry. They are both kicking ass and I’m equally proud of them both. However, Alice informed me while she was a senior in high school that she wanted to take a gap year.

When I asked what she planned to do during this gap year, she said something like “relax before having to be in the real world.” She said she wanted to go to college, just not right away. She also said she did not plan to work during this time. I told her she had the whole summer to relax, but she held strong and wanted her gap year.

I said fine, but not to expect me to fund her schooling a year from now. She brushed me off. If she had planned to do something productive or literally anything with the gap year (internship etc) I would have had a different attitude towards this. Flash forward to September and Alice has done exactly that for the last 4 months, relax.

She sleeps until 2 and has not gotten a job. She has a car and the means to do so, but simply does not wish to. The topic of her going to school next year got brought up by her and she asked if I would pay. I said no, and that she knew this. I told her I would be happy to help her, but would not be paying in full.

She blew up on me, asking if I was serious and saying how unfair I was. She yelled at me and called me a b**ch for paying for her sisters college in full but not hers. I reminded her of our conversation and how she knew my stance since she was a little girl.

I also asked her if she had applied for scholarships or done anything to start trying to help with these funds, she had not. I told her since I was retiring in 2025, I did not have the funding to pay for her schooling in full anymore and that I had to start thinking about saving for myself and my future. I said she had missed her chance.

She is very angry and has barely been speaking to me. I feel bad, but I also don’t. I feel like this will be the first of many things in her life to teach her some responsibility. She had her opportunity to have her schooling paid for and she knew this, but chose to do nothing for a year.

She can absolutely still go to college and I will help foot the bill, but she would definitely have to take out some loans. I’m really not sure how to talk to her about this. AITAH?. Edited to add a few things* As far as my retirement, if Alice had attended college this fall, I would not be retiring in 2025.

I probably would have pushed it until at least 2027. I chose to retire sooner because I knew that I would not be paying for the entirety of another child’s schooling. For those saying Alice may have needed the gap year for mental health reasons, this has never been communicated to me by her.

She has never exhibited signs of mental health issues. She has friends, did well in school, goes out, etc. If she needed this gap for mental health reasons and told me as such, I would have an extremely different attitude. But like I stated, she just wanted it “to relax.” As far as why I’m “against” gap years.

I am not necessarily against them. I just always expressed to my children the importance of hard work, responsibility, and using your time wisely. I wanted to avoid this exact scenario, having one of my children living with me not working, not going to school, or contributing to society/our household at all.

I’ll clarify again that if Alice had been working, doing an internship, studying abroad, peace corps, any volunteer work, I would reconsider this rule. But sitting around in her bed all day for 9 months and expecting me to be okay with that, and still pay full tuition, will just not fly in my home.

Somebody has asked if I paid for my twin who is in the tattoo artist business. I did. She has loved art and tattoos since she was a young teenager, drawing them, planning her own tattoos. So I had a pretty good idea that she wanted to make a career out of this.

I encouraged her to do so and she found herself an apprenticeship right out of high school. I paid for everything she needed with it. It is truly her passion. To answer is Alice knows what she wants to do- she does. She has known what she wanted to major in since she was 15. She still wants to major in this. So it is not a matter of needing time to “figure it out.”

Parenting isn’t a blank check, and Ellen’s firm line with Alice proves it. Her rule—no gap years, or no full funding—was clear since grade school, balancing generosity with discipline. Alice’s choice to lounge, not work or plan, tests Ellen’s fairness, especially with twins who followed through. Alice’s outburst feels like entitlement clashing with accountability, leaving Ellen caught between guilt and resolve.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg, in a 2023 Child Development article, notes, “Clear parental expectations shape responsibility—teens thrive with structure, not ultimatums.” A 2022 Pew Research study shows 61% of parents fund college selectively, often tying it to behavior. Alice’s inaction, not her gap year, broke the deal.

Ellen’s right to prioritize her retirement; Alice can still study with loans. Dr. Steinberg suggests guiding teens to scholarships calmly—Ellen could nudge Alice there. Harsh words need mending, but boundaries hold firm. Readers, ever set a family rule that sparked rebellion? How’d you keep the peace?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s crowd jumped into Ellen’s saga like it’s a heated PTA meeting, dishing out cheers, critiques, and a few raised brows. It’s like a coffee shop debate where everyone’s got a take on parenting and cash. Here’s the unfiltered buzz, packed with spice and wisdom:

Logical_Pineapple499 − INFO **(edited to add because it seems I might be the top comment and I don't have a judgement)**. Did you daughter have depression or burnout following highschool?. How are you sure that she had the capacity to continue on without the break she took? 

Would she have been able to succeed if she had followed your rules or is there a chance she knew she wasn't capable of more than what she was doing? I don't quite think Y T A. However I think your daughter may have saved you both from an expensive mistake.

A lot of students burn out in college and end up repeating classes, changing majors, or dropping out. A rest beforehand can help prevent that.  Your daughter kinda seems to suck too, but I don't know if your rules matched her best interests. I don't have enough info to decide if she is T A for more than just being angry and calling you a B etc.

Original comment: It's too hard for me to add a judgement. I took a gap year, and I only used about 5 months of it productively. A lot of it I spent lying around much like your daughter. But I'm pretty sure I would have burnt out completely if I'd gone straight to college. Instead I had a chance to be lazy and reset, and I was ready to work hard during university and graduated salutatorian.

A lot of students burn out in university, which is a much more expensive life lesson than letting them be lazy before they go. You had the right to make your rules, but your daughter may have known she didn't have the capacity for that at the time. If she had followed your timetable she may have set herself up for failure.

rheasilva − I told her since I was retiring in 2025, I did not have the funding to pay for her schooling in full anymore and that I had to start thinking about saving for myself and my future. I said she had missed her chance. You had the funding to *fully* pay for her college a year ago but you don't now? That's odd.

How would you have been saving for yourself now if she'd gone straight to college? I also don't see any indication that you talked to her about applying for scholarships or even about attending community college. Literally the only options you gave her were

sfgothgirl − Some people need a gap year for a variety of reasons. Being inflexible is not a good example for your kids. It's also kinda sus that in 4 months time you no longer have the funds for her to go to school. It's very likely she's o**rwhelmed and needs guidance.

Does she even know how to search for scholarships? More importantly, does she even know what she wants to study? Right out of HS I went to community college. But I didn't understand how GPAs worked and ended up with a GPA around a little less than 2.0 - which was very disappointing for me.

I was 23 before I realized that I wanted to be a nurse. I think y'all can come to a compromise. For example, maybe she can start a school in January, so it won't be a gap year, it's just 4 months. I strongly believe you should reconsider.

QueenHelloKitty − Info: what happened to the money set aside for her education?

afurtivesquirrel − ESH. Your rule is ridiculous, and a complete a**hole move. I almost certainly only graduated at all because I took a gap year. Not being proud because they want ONE year of their life not dominated by grades and performance and pressure is a complete a**hole move.

On the other hand, your kid should probably have learned you're an a**hole by now and taken you at your word. Yes, it's kinda unbelievable that you really would be this much of an a**hole, but she should have believed you meant it and calling you a b**ch - even though she's correct - isn't gonna help anything.

dollectica − NTA. you made it clear from the very beginning that you wouldn't cover the full cost if any of your children did this and that. but I do understand wanting to take a gap year, school can be extremely exhausting. both on the body and mentally, it's a lot of stress. but what i don't get is why Alice isn't even applying for anything?? also maybe take your offer of helping her back after she called you a b**ch. I definitely wouldn't let that slide lol

[Reddit User] − NTA. Like you said, it would have been different if Alice had done something productive over the summer. Gap years help some people. I took a gap year. However, I also got a job during that year. If she had said “Hey Mom, I want to save up some money for college in a gap year before I go”, then maybe you could consider paying.

(I wouldn’t expect it to be a given though; as you’ve said, you’ve made your stance clear for years.) But you DID offer to help her pay, even though she took a gap year against your terms. That’s very generous, especially considering that she didn’t do anything productive in the meantime.

She really should not have blown up on an honestly very generous offer. You did not go back on any promises; in fact, you bent your own terms to help your child. That’s amazing. You were never obligated to pay for anyone’s college at all, you did so out of kindness and caring for your children.

And you’ve bent your own terms out of kindness as well. Alice needs to meet in the middle, or not at all. You shouldn’t have to bend any further. She also owes you an apology for calling you a b**ch.. (Take this with a grain of salt though— I’m 21 and currently childless.)

WomanInQuestion − I begged my parents for a gap year, which they denied. I ended up dropping out of college after 18 months so I wouldn’t end up opening my veins from the stress and wasn’t able to go back until I got a job that paid for one 27 years later. It royally screwed me over for life.

Tangerine_Bouquet − NTA. Presumably, Alice has spent her gap year living off you, if she hasn't worked at all. She's spent support from you in a different way. She's an adult, and you don't owe her a fully paid higher education. She can look at options, including community college, going abroad to a less expensive university, or choosing apprenticeship or work/study types of programs.

She's shown no motivation for anything except taking your money. She was unable to even negotiate with you, giving reasons why the gap year would be useful or necessary (I don't think they're nearly as bad as you seem to, but that's not really the problem here). This is on her to figure out.

ForeverReading458 − I didn’t want my daughter taking a gap year until she explained to me that she had worked so hard for the last 5 years and she needed a rest. She actually said she WANTED a rest but I can see she really did need and deserved a break. She was right. She worked so hard and earned very high grades and won awards for art and English.

She is very driven and I’m proud of her. I can afford to support her through her university years. OP did say she was still going to help her daughter with some expenses just not all of them as retirement is coming up and financially things are changing. I hope OP and daughter can sit down and come to a compromise that works for everyone. Children need their parents support even if it’s not financial.

These Redditors are split, some saluting Ellen’s tough love, others eyeing Alice’s burnout risks. Gap year tales mix with calls for compromise, but do their takes catch the full tug-of-war, or just fan the flames? One thing’s clear—Ellen’s stand has tongues wagging. What’s your spin on her college cash clash?

Ellen’s tale is a gritty dance of love, rules, and a daughter’s defiance. Holding firm on college funding wasn’t cruel—it was a lesson in choices, with Alice’s lazy gap year tipping the scales. Now, silence hangs heavy, but Ellen’s offer to help lingers. Can they rebuild without bending principles? If your kid pushed your limits like this, how’d you stand your ground? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unpack this family firestorm!

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