AITA for missing my nieces 18th birthday because my children are the only kids excluded?

The air was thick with anticipation as the invitation to a niece’s 18th birthday landed, promising a lively BBQ and music-filled night. But for one mom, the joy soured fast—her sister’s demand to leave two of her autistic children behind stung like a slap. Picture a bustling family hall, kids darting between tables, laughter echoing, yet two bright, high-energy kids were deemed unwelcome. The mom’s heart sank, torn between family loyalty and fierce love for her kids.

This wasn’t just a party snub; it felt like a line drawn in the sand. With her sister doubling down, insisting on a babysitter for the “high-energy” duo, the mom faced a choice—conform or stand firm. Her decision to whisk her whole crew on a holiday instead sparked whispers and glares. Readers, you’ll feel the weight of her dilemma—how do you balance inclusion with family ties?

‘AITA for missing my nieces 18th birthday because my children are the only kids excluded?’

My sister doesn't particularly like 2 of my children. They are 8 and 10, have autism, and are high energy***, but they are great kids. I don't just say that because they are mine, they are exceptional students, excel in their musical/sport hobbies and are well liked by everyone.

Noone else in the family has an issue with them, and we recently attended a formal sit down dinner and dance for my grandmothers 80th birthday, with zero issues. When they were younger I refused to set them up for failure, and avoided fancy restaurants or other places not appropriate for high energy kiddos.

So we did miss my sisters 40th, as I had newly separated from my wasband, had a newborn via cesarean, and wasn't sure that I could cope with the kids in that setting, but was reliant on others to drive us there so couldn't just leave if needed (plus it was a per head buffet and would have been a waste to leave before eating).

I believe she is still salty about that, 6 years later. There will be other children at this party, around 20 of them ranging from 11 down to newborn. My nieces invited me, and then my sister changed dates, so it's no longer on my kid free weekend. She then contacted me saying 'you will have to get a babysitter for those 2'.

My other children are invited (19/13/6yo). They are hiring a hall, cooking a BBQ dinner and having a local band play, so it's very family friendly. I've booked a holiday overseas instead for myself and the kids and we will be there instead.

I'll send the girls some cash as presents, and they are both moving to the city where I now live for university next year so I'll help them move and fill their pantries as a housewarming gift, which I did for my oldest child as well.. Now my sister is complaining that I'm going on holiday rather than the party. So AITA for not taking some of my children to the party and getting a babysitter for two of them?

Family gatherings should be a tapestry of connection, but this story unravels into exclusion. The mom’s sister singled out her autistic children, creating a rift that’s painfully personal yet broadly relatable. On one side, the sister might argue for a “smooth” event, fearing disruption. On the other, the mom sees her kids—vibrant, accomplished, and well-behaved at past events—unfairly targeted. It’s a clash of perception versus reality, tinged with misunderstanding about neurodiversity.

This scenario mirrors a larger issue: inclusion in family dynamics. According to the CDC, 1 in 36 children in the U.S. is autistic, yet stigma persists. Families often navigate unspoken tensions when accommodating neurodivergent members. Here, the sister’s bias seems rooted in outdated assumptions, ignoring the kids’ proven ability to thrive in social settings.

Dr. Stephen Shore, an autistic advocate, once said, “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism” (Autism Speaks). His words highlight the individuality of autistic people, urging us to see beyond labels. Applied here, the sister’s blanket exclusion dismisses the kids’ unique strengths, like their musical talents and social ease at a formal dinner.

For solutions, open dialogue is key. The mom could share her kids’ needs and successes with her sister, fostering understanding. Family therapy might bridge gaps, as suggested by resources like Psychology Today. Readers, how would you mend this divide? Share your thoughts below.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s corner of the internet lit up with reactions to this family drama, serving a mix of support and sharp takes. Most rallied behind the mom, calling out the sister’s exclusion as unfair and praising the holiday swap as a bold move. Others urged clarity with the nieces to keep those bonds tight. Here’s a snapshot of the community’s unfiltered vibes—straight from the Reddit trenches!

Abstruse − NTA but this is something you're going to want to get ahead of. Your sister is going to paint you as the bad guy for not attending. Makes sure people who are important to you know exactly why you're not attending and that it's because your sister decided to be an ableist ass and told you that two of your children were banned for being neurodivergent.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I wouldn't stress over it. I can't personally imagine going to any family function where any of my children were not welcome. Send a nice card and move on.

embopbopbopdoowop − NTA but I’d make it crystal clear to the nieces that you’d love to be there, but that your sister’s exclusion of two of your five children made that impossible. I’d also organise a catch-up/future celebration date together.

Traditional-Neck7778 − NTA. I think most people would rather go on holiday than a party

Fortressa- − Info: just to be clear, Sis only banned 2 out of 5 of your children, who are the only neurodivergent ones? No restrictions for any other children of any other relative? NTA. Sis can get fucked. Avoid her, stay in contact with the nieces. 

thiswasyouridea − NTA. I can't imagine excluding just two children unless they would have been absolute monsters. If they've behaved at previous gatherings they should have been welcome.

JeepersCreepers74 − NTA. There are a lot of details here, but what it boils down to is that your sister is discriminating against your Autistic kids. Enjoy your holiday instead!

OrgoQueen − Info: what do you mean by “high-energy”? Because, depending on the parent, that could be as minor as slightly raised voices when excited to as major as wrestling in public. And, my vote could vary wildly depending on that.

_mmiggs_ − NTA. It's completely ridiculous to expect you to leave two of your five children at home.

[Reddit User] − NTA referring to ya kids with Autism as

This tale of exclusion and defiance leaves us pondering family bonds and fairness. The mom’s choice to prioritize her kids over a biased invite speaks volumes about love and loyalty. Yet, it’s a messy situation—no one wins when family ties fray. What would you do if two of your loved ones were sidelined? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this together.

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