AITA for being rude to my in laws after they hung an American flag on our house?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a bustling suburban neighborhood, a new chapter unfolds as a couple embarks on redefining their personal space. The recent conflict over home décor is more than a mere disagreement about aesthetics—it’s a passionate stand for individuality and autonomy. The homeowner, determined to create a sanctuary that mirrors her refined taste and careful planning, finds herself in a heated dispute with family over unwanted decorative intrusions.

The tension further escalates as traditional family gifts, laden with emotional overtones, become flashpoints in a deeper battle over boundaries. Amid juggling work, childcare, and a partner’s ongoing personal struggles, the clash encapsulates the complexities of modern family dynamics and the struggle to assert control in one’s own home.

‘AITA for being rude to my in laws after they hung an American flag on our house?’

Me (40 F) and my husband (39M) just moved into a new home with our 2 young kids. My in laws and I have always struggled with boundaries, especially my mother in law. I admit I am a bit particular about home decor and clothing, etc. I have a pretty strong sense of style. My husband is really go with the flow and doesn’t really have much of a sense of style so defers to me.

I probably should have seen it as a red flag that his mom bought his clothes and did his laundry until we moved in together. To be clear I don’t do either now as he is a grown person and I think he can handle those tasks himself. I mean, I’ll throw his laundry in with mine, but I don’t go out of my way to do those tasks for him. We both work full time.

Anyhow, I digress. So my mother in law constantly brings things to our house to decorate. She has never had a job and spends most of her time at the mall buying gifts for other people. I appreciate that she is trying to do a nice thing by giving gifts. But she is constantly bringing things over that we don’t want or need. Every time she comes over she brings gifts.

Multiple times a week. I’ve asked her and my husband has asked her more than 10 times to stop bringing things. They typically don’t fit my taste and I hate that I end up with a lot of stuff I don’t know what to do with aside from donate. Anyhow at our last home they brought us an American flag to put up on our front porch.

I’m politically very left leaning and feel the flag has become more of a symbol for the right. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’ve heard others express the sentiment too. At our last house we said thank you and the flag went into storage. They asked why we didn’t put it up a few times and we just kinda said this or that and it never came up again. So back to our new house.

They brought one over last night and it was up on my front porch before I even knew what was happening. I was upset. I’ve been working nonstop to make our new home a lovely place to live functionally and esthetically. And this was just my breaking point. I want to make decisions about what goes on the facade of my home.

My husband seemed to think I was overreacting and my mother in law said you can’t be this upset about a flag. I said it wasn’t just about the flag. It’s about boundaries. She said and I quote “ because you have to control everything” as she looked up from reading my 4 year old a book. I’m beyond pissed.

More background: my husband is an on and off again recovering a**oholic. More recently not so recovered. He has been going through detox for the last week while I care for the home and the children. I’m on edge. So I got pretty snappy and was pretty short and rude. I spent some time in the garage trying to self regulate but couldn’t adequately get myself to stop being a bit of an a**hole.

So much so that they decided to leave before dinner. Not my finest moment. I feel guilty that I was being snappy toward them but I also feel like my emotions were trampled all over. Am I crazy? ETA: Wow, thank you for all the feedback. I didn’t expect to get so many responses. First off, I’m deeply sorry for not using paragraphs in the original post.

This was my first time posting and I did not know it was going to be so upsetting to so many of you. I get what so many of you are saying about taking the flag back and it not being a symbol of the right. I definitely hear you and I’ve changed my mind about what flying a flag means. So thank you for that.

I’m grateful for all the good advice for dealing with my MIL and husband. Obviously my MIL (and the flag) is not my biggest problem at the moment but I have been made to feel crazy so much over the past year that I’m questioning everything.

A flag on a porch shouldn’t spark a family feud, but when boundaries get trampled, even stars and stripes can sting. This mom’s clash with her mother-in-law isn’t about fabric—it’s about autonomy. She’s carving out a home that reflects her identity, while her in-law’s unsolicited gifts feel like a power grab. The husband’s silence, muddled by his addiction, leaves her facing the fray alone, amplifying her snap.

This dynamic mirrors a common issue: boundary violations in families. A 2020 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found 65% of couples report in-law conflicts over household control, often tied to differing values. Here, the flag carries political weight for her, but the real issue is choice. Her mother-in-law’s “you control everything” jab flips the script, painting her as the villain.

Psychologist Dr. Terri Apter, author of What Do You Want from Me?, says, “In-law tensions often stem from unspoken expectations—gifts can feel like demands for gratitude”. Apter’s insight fits: the mother-in-law’s “gifts” burden rather than bless, ignoring the couple’s pleas to stop. The mom’s rudeness was a stress-fueled misstep, but her anger signals a deeper need for respect.

What’s next? She could try a calm, firm talk with her mother-in-law, like, “We love your thoughtfulness, but we need to choose what’s in our home.” Her husband must back her up—recovery or not—to show unity. For readers, set boundaries early: thank gift-givers but redirect unwanted items. How do you handle pushy family without losing your cool?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crowd rallied behind the mom, seeing the flag as a symbol of deeper control issues. Many called it a power move, urging her to stand firm and set clear limits. Others suggested her husband needs to back her up to stop the gift overload. The consensus? It’s her home, her call—pushy in-laws don’t get a vote.

Nester1953 − You know, you don't need excuses for it to be all right for you (and your partner, should he choose to participate) to have complete control over the decoration of your home. It being your home. And not your MIL's home. I'm sorry you're having a really stressful time,

but even if everything were butterflies and rosebuds at your house, your MIL still doesn't get to decorate your house if you don't want her to. (The fact that your spouse is willing to go along with her to avoid making waves doesn't count as a decorating choice.)

It doesn't matter if you're talking American flags, rainbow flags, or scull and cross bones flags, it's still no one else's choice. I would go with,

And here is the part your husband should have said, and probably would have if he weren't having such a hard week:

BetweenWeebandOtaku − NTA and this feels like a power play by MiL. Any normal decoration you can reject since it's your house. But a flag lets in the patriotic guilt-

Artistic_Tough5005 − NTA When MIL looked up and said because you have to control everything I would have kicked her out of my house and told her she can come back when she learns boundaries and can apologize.

celticcurl − NTA. Go to her house and hang a rainbow flag and antifa flag on the front. Then shocked face 'but you can't be upset about a flag'.

zippdupp − Nta. I see lots of great comments regarding the mil. I just want to gently point out that there is no such thing as on and off recovery. Please don't minimise it because, while its hard, his addiction and stop starting is putting gigantic amount of pressure on you. I really hope it works out for you all.

Helloreddit0703 − NTA. Your mil overstepped. It is never appropriate for someone to dictate how another person should decorate their home or what they should display on their property. Your husband needs to step up and tell her that this is his and your home, not hers, and she has no right to do that.

You shouldn’t be the one having to have this conversation with her. Side note: I’m not at all advocating for you to hang the flag, but I just want to put this option out into the Reddit universe in case anyone else might be so inclined- I’ve seen American flags hung in homes in conjunction with liberal lawn signs or other humanitarian flags.

It’s quite lovely to see the flag being represented with actual American values (diversity, inclusion, etc.). It negates the hyper-nationalist perversion of the flag and redefines it back to its meaning of “all men are created equal” and “with liberty and justice for *all*”

AzKitty − NTA. Such *classic* DARVO from your MIL. Let's break it down.. She denies that she trampled over your boundaries. (She did, and your boundaries are completely reasonable.) She attacks you by saying

She reversed the victim and offender by saying

Hopefully these comments can help you stand firm and see through her BS. Oh, and btw, I wouldn't call what she gives you

diminishingpatience − NTA.. My in laws and I have always struggled with boundaries, especially my mother in law.. Already NTA. said it wasn’t just about the flag. It’s about boundaries. She said and I quote “ because you have to control everything”.

She's the one trying to control what happens at your home.. I want to make decisions about what goes on the facade of my home.. The flag symbolises your mother-in-law's belief that you don't have the freedom to do this. It's her choice.

Tamihera − We got given a flag pole and an American flag by inlaws who felt we were being insufficiently patriotic. I’m not keen on performative patriotism, especially the kind which polices other people’s performance. (I’ve been told off for not putting my hand on my heart during the anthem before little kids’ sports games, for example.)

Also, I’m not even American. My husband said to let it go, but I decided hey, if I have to have a flagpole, I’m going to get some flags. So I got the Three Lionesses for the women’s World Cup, my college crest, I have a section of the Bayeux Tapestry, a pirate flag, my kids’ rugby team dragon, and a Tudor rose. (Historian.)

The American flag will go up for the first week of July because I do respect a good revolution which can stick the landing.. Your in-laws are trampling your boundaries and calling you controlling when you object. Order that pirate flag.

itsallabitmentalinit − NTA. Hate flag worshippers.

This mom’s flag flap shows how fast small moves can spark big feelings. Her sharp words weren’t perfect, but they screamed for respect amid life’s chaos. As she guards her home’s heart, she’s finding her footing. How do you handle family who cross your lines? Drop your thoughts—what’s your secret to keeping cool?

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