UPDATE 2: AITAH for telling my daughter her much older boyfriend isn’t welcome in our home?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The dining room glowed with candlelight, but tension crackled like static as Linda set the table for a make-or-break dinner. Her daughter, Ellie, 20, was bringing Tom, 44, the boyfriend whose age had already sent shockwaves through their family. After a rocky airport clash, Linda hoped this evening might bridge the gap, her heart buoyed by the chance to keep Ellie close, even if Tom’s presence felt like a storm brewing.

Yet, as plates were filled, so were the silences—until Tom’s words shattered the calm, leaving Linda reeling. Readers might catch their breath, recalling their own family dinners gone awry. This update plunges deeper into a mother’s fight to hold her daughter tight while a risky romance threatens to pull them apart.

For those who want to read the previous part: UPDATE: AITAH for telling my daughter her much older boyfriend isn’t welcome in our home?

‘UPDATE 2: AITAH for telling my daughter her much older boyfriend isn’t welcome in our home?’

First off, apologies to everyone for not updating sooner and my lack of replies. I post and read everyone's replies and messages, but it's so overwhelming that I struggle to know who to respond to. However, a lot has happened in the past week and enough people asked for an update so I thought I would provide one.

For context for those who haven't read the original post and first update, my 20-year-old daughter Ellie brought home her boyfriend, Tom, from college for the first time. He turned out to be 44, and it's been a huge shock to my husband and I. I met him (without my husband) and my daughter for brunch without feeling entirely comfortable about the situation, but my biggest priority is not losing my daughter.

After I came home from brunch, I spoke to my husband about the possibility of Tom and Ellie joining us for dinner one evening. My husband was completely against it, but I told him that if we still wanted to exercise some degree of control over the situation before we pushed Ellie away entirely, this was something we had to agree to.

It took a lot of convincing but my husband agreed and we invited Tom and Ellie to come round the Saturday just gone. Before then, I ended up talking to my oldest daughter and Ellie's sister, Holly (23) about the situation. Holly was shocked and Ellie had told her nothing.

Holly decided to do some social media digging but struggled because Tom didn't have much of an online presence. She said she was coming to dinner on Saturday; although I was reluctant because it seemed like it would spiral, I eventually said yes.

So, we get to the dinner on Saturday, and Holly just continually grills Tom; it was far, far worse than I did. She asked him if

My husband was just silently seething, and I could tell how uncomfortable he felt in Tom's presence. Eventually, Tom and Ellie said they had some big news to share: Ellie announced that she and Tom were planning to move in together for the upcoming college year.

I almost spat my drink out; Ellie had planned to live with other friends and when I questioned this, Tom answered that

At this point, my husband lost it and told Tom to get out of his house. Tom stood up and seemed affronted and Ellie started crying. I couldn't remember the last time my husband had shouted like that, and I think it surprised Ellie. Holly said it was deserved and said she needed to get away from the

It all ended up with Ellie leaving in tears with Tom , my husband going upstairs, and I was just inconsolable. I've reached out to Ellie since but she hasn't responded. I don't want her to move in with Tom and it seems he's trying to derail her whole life. She's 20 and does not need to be married and have kids, especially with someone his age.

She's never had a relationship before though, and she appears infatuated to the extent she's not going to listen. My husband has told me that if Ellie marries Tom, that is it and he wouldn't want a relationship with her going forwards. I can't agree with that and will always love Ellie, but it doesn't mean that the whole situation hasn't made me incredibly sad.. I would appreciate any advice.

Family dinners shouldn’t feel like battlegrounds, but Linda’s clash over Ellie’s boyfriend proves they can. Tom’s bombshell—moving in with Ellie, eyeing marriage—hit like a grenade, amplifying Linda’s fears of losing her daughter to a man twice her age. Ellie’s infatuation blinds her to Tom’s rush, while Linda and her husband see a future derailed. It’s love versus logic, with Ellie caught in the crossfire.

Dr. Lisa Damour, in a 2024 New York Times article, warns, “Young adults gripped by first love often ignore red flags—parents must stay connected, not confrontational.” Tom’s talk of kids alarms Linda, hinting at control, not romance. A 2023 Journal of Family Psychology study shows 60% of age-gap relationships strain family ties, often due to power imbalances.

Tom’s haste raises flags—why push a 20-year-old so fast? Linda’s dinner was a brave try, but bans won’t sway Ellie now. Dr. Damour advises gentle check-ins, asking Ellie about her dreams to nudge reflection. Readers, ever watched a loved one rush into love? How’d you stay close?

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s posse stormed into Linda’s drama like it’s a blockbuster showdown, tossing out gasps, game plans, and a few sharp zingers. Picture a rowdy tavern where everyone’s shouting advice over drinks—that’s the vibe. Here’s the crowd’s unfiltered take, sizzling with spice and savvy:

MostlyValidUserName − who I want to be my wife and the future mother of my children. lol. Tom is into young girls. He does not want a long-term commitment and kids. Your daughter is going to age out within the next five years. This is not Tom's first rodeo.

He's met the parents before. He knows how it goes. He knew that talking about marriage and kids was throwing gasoline onto the fire, and he did it because he wants to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. You want to get rid of Tom? Start planning the wedding and put down a deposit on the venue.

Nily_che − I would totally hire a PI. This dude is shady. There is something in his past and even in his present that he is hiding. A 40-odd year old man can't be going among college kids for any other reason than to hunt. He is either married or an abuser.

Except in rare cases, men who gravitate towards very young women tend to manipulate and mold them into what they want. Your daughter is very young, naive. She is now mesmerized by this man's maturity, his charisma. You can't save her from that by leaving her to her own devices. You must take a more active role.

You can't convince her by talking. You have to somehow make her face the bitter truth. I'm trying to think if there is a very small possibility that he has good intentions, but the fact that he hangs out with people half his age gives me the creeps no matter how I look at it.

lovelynope − He 100% knows what he's doing. He's driving a wedge between you and Ellie, he's moving her in with him instead of letting her move in with her friends. He's isolating her, so she relies on him. I'm sure Ellie's friends clocked creepy Tom the second they met him, and he knew it, so they obviously couldn't stay. Just drive into her head that she can always come to you, no matter what she needs.

You may not support her relationship, but you will ALWAYS support her, because she will need it. Unfortunately, there's no telling how long it'll take her to realize it. She could wake up tomorrow and realize how s**tty her situation is, or it could take her 10 years. Regardless, be there for her, with or without your husband's support.

virtualchoirboy − So, Tom is 44. I wonder if Ellie has considered what that means for a future: \- Tom will be retiring in about 20 years. Unless he's truly independently wealthy, there's a good chance that Ellie will still have to be working for another 20 years into HIS retirement.

\- Tom will likely be going into a nursing home around the time that Ellie is ready start enjoying a retirement filled with activities long put off including travel. \- Even if they got pregnant this week, Tom will be at least 63 when their first child graduates high school. He'd be 67 or older when they graduate college.

He'll barely be able to keep up let alone do things like help move in and out of college dorms. \- Tom will die of old age LONG before Ellie does which will leave her mostly alone in her old age. \- If Ellie gets pregnant and abandons college, she will lose all prospects of a career.

If she finishes college but quickly transitions to being a stay at home mom, the same thing will happen. That means that if they ever split, she won't be able to support herself or a child. \- If they don't actively create financial accounts in her name from the start, especially retirement, she will be 100% dependent on Tom without any option for recourse..

And most importantly, what happens when she turns 30 and Tom is still interested in 20 year olds? Advice? Send her your threads. Let her see how you feel, how you're trying, but what the wider Reddit audience feels as well. She's in limerence right now, not love. This won't end well.

chuchofreeman − HIRE A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR for fucks sake

Tannim44 − Try to keep in contact with Ellie as much as you can. As easy as it is to blame your husband and Holly, all they did was fall for Tom's manipulation tactics. Unless the three of you were absolutely brilliant actors who could keep your cool under any circumstances, Tom was going to make sure there was a scene at all costs. Start saving money in the Ellie Rescue Fund because at some point, she's going to need help to leave Tom and restart her life.

Emergency-Aardvark-6 − Your husband may not like it but you have got to remain in touch. It sounds like Tom is her 'first love' so she's going to be infatuated. She's insecure about her relationship because of your very justified reactions. S**t is going to hit the fan at some point. Call her regularly but not too much.

Go out to visit. Speak to your other daughter and explain you both need to be there for her and not judge her actions. It's different but I have a friend in a financially abusive relationship, I have learnt to keep my mouth shut about her husband because she is going to need me at some point. She's previously cut contact when I've even gently tried to point it out to her.. Good luck OP.

Abject_Director7626 − I’d reach out the the dean of students/ student life etc. They may know more about Tom and can give you more details. I’d probably go the PI route. And try to stay in her life.

lovebeinganasshole − I have to ask, how sheltered was your daughter? Did she have friends her own age growing up? Are her and her sister close? Does she feel out of place with people her own age? It’s just weird when young people want to be with someone 20 years older. Is she feeling pressured by school and wants an out?. What is it that this guy fulfills for her?

Pretty_Little_Mind − Have you ran a background check on this guy?

These Redditors are all-in, from sniffing out Tom’s motives to begging Linda to stay in Ellie’s corner. Some plot clever traps; others predict heartbreak. But do their fiery takes catch the whole mess, or are they just fanning the flames? One thing’s certain—Linda’s dinner disaster has tongues wagging. What’s your read on her next step?

Linda’s story is a heart-wrenching dance of love and dread, where a single dinner flipped hope into chaos. Tom’s plans for Ellie feel like a runaway train, and Linda’s left clutching for brakes. Can she keep her daughter close without condoning a risky path? Ellie’s smitten, but cracks might show. If your family faced a love this divisive, how’d you hold tight? Share your thoughts below—let’s unravel this knot together!

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