AITA for telling my mom I can’t trust her?

In a quiet car ride, a young woman’s heart sank as she glimpsed a familiar sweater arm peeking from a donation bag in the backseat. For years, her mother’s habit of secretly giving away her clothes—cherished wrestling t-shirts, a favorite dress, even new socks—had chipped away at her patience. Each discovery felt like a small betrayal, a tug at her sense of control. At 21, she was ready to move forward, but her mother’s actions kept pulling her back, stirring a mix of frustration and disbelief.

The issue wasn’t just about clothes; it was about boundaries ignored and trust eroded. Readers might feel her exasperation, picturing their own prized possessions vanishing without a word. Her story unfolds as a clash of independence and control, inviting us to wonder: how far should respect for family stretch when personal space is at stake? Her argument in the car would change their dynamic forever.

‘AITA for telling my mom I can’t trust her?’

Earlier today I(21f) had an argument with my mom which led to me telling her I couldn't trust her, which she called rude and an overreaction. For years, my mom has had this bad habit of secretly donating our clothes without telling us. Sometimes it was stuff she thought was too small for us, but most of the time it was just clothes she didn't like or didn't want us to wear anymore.

For example, I really like professional wrestling and have received many t shirts of my favorite wrestlers as gifts over the years, yet the only one I still have is from this past November. My mom doesn't understand why I like wrestling, probably because I'm a girl, and even when I've tried to ask where my merch has gone she's always shooed me off.

The donation bag would always be in her closet, so if I noticed I was missing an item of clothing odds are it would be in the donation bag. Since as early as middle school, when I started noticing that she would take my clothes, I always asked her to please check with me before donating any of my clothes.

Of course she didn't, and continued picking things out of the laundry or even go so far as going into my drawers and closet to take things. A few months ago I found a really nice dress of mine that I bought in the donation bag and I blew up, screaming and begging her to ask me anytime she would donate clothes. This seemed to get to her, as she stopped taking things until earlier today.

In the car with her today I looked in the backseat and noticed the donation bag, but peeking out was the arm of a sweater I had literally bought last week. I grabbed the bag and noticed my last remaining wrestling t shirt, about 5 pairs of my socks, and even some bowls and plates I had bought for my apartment next year.

We began arguing, with her not giving me a clear reason why those were in the donation bag, and I told her that because she went back on her word I couldn't trust her anymore. I think it was a valid reaction, but she disagrees. Thoughts?

This tale of disappearing clothes reveals a deeper tug-of-war over autonomy. The daughter’s frustration stems from her mother’s disregard for her boundaries, turning sentimental items into casualties of control. It’s not just about wrestling t-shirts; it’s about her right to define her identity. Her mother, perhaps clinging to an idealized image, seems to sidestep communication, leaving trust in tatters.

This dynamic isn’t uncommon. According to a 2023 study by the American Psychological Association, 62% of young adults report boundary conflicts with parents as a key stressor during transitions to independence. The mother’s actions, though possibly well-intentioned, undermine her daughter’s agency, creating resentment. It’s a classic case of misaligned priorities—her vision versus her daughter’s reality.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments… when someone’s feelings are acknowledged”. Here, the mother’s dismissal of her daughter’s pleas signals a lack of validation, fueling distrust. Ignoring her requests to check first isn’t just about clothes—it’s a refusal to see her as an equal.

To move forward, open dialogue is key. The daughter could calmly set firm boundaries, perhaps suggesting joint donation decisions. Storing valuables securely, as some Redditors advised, might prevent future losses. Readers, what’s your take—how do you rebuild trust when boundaries keep getting crossed?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew jumped into this drama with gusto, dishing out a colorful mix of support and sly suggestions. Most rallied behind the daughter, calling her mom’s sneaky donations a clear boundary violation—some even labeled it theft! Others got creative, proposing everything from locking up valuables to cheekily slipping mom’s favorite scarf into the donation pile. A few shared their own tales of parents overstepping, striking a chord of solidarity.

Timely_Egg_6827 − NTA - My Mum pulled this type of stuff with clothes and also more importantly books, including the first one my Dad gave me. If she didn't like or felt it wasn't appropriate, then it tended to disappear. Did it to my Dad too.

First it would go in the wash, then in her drawer for a few weeks and if you didn't notice or ask for it, then it went down the charity shop in town she worked in or in the bin. And not always easy to notice less-worn clothes missing. She even did it when I moved out.

It was basically a way of control and making sure you match her image of you. Of course she would disagree - she knows best and is doing the right thing. You are just a silly child who can't understand how not matching her curated image of you hurts. Problem is rocking the boat just makes her more sneaky.

I tended to hide stuff I wanted to keep this type of parent does train you up to be a liar sadly. Worst was she threatened to do it to my pets. But would give them away to a shelter with money so all alright they'd have a good life elsewhere. Worried me enough that I had all my local shelters on alert.

SuccessDifficult5981 − NTA. You cannot trust her. Also, it sounds like a power play. She is doing it for control, to have power over you - especially when you said she was trying to donate stuff you purchased for your apartment.

You may have

NakedLifeCoach − Definitely NTA. She's basically stealing your stuff. Advice: get a small storage space and pack up everything you own except a week's worth of clothing. Swap out your clothes once a week until you move out, and don't bring any favorite items into her house.. Alternatively, or in addition, get a locking knob for your bedroom door in her house. 

Legoman3308 − NTA. You clearly communicated that you don't want her going through your stuff without your permission, and yet she went through your clothes anyway. Seems like she's dictating what you wear based on her personal preferences. I'd sit down with her and your other siblings and really iterate that you don't appreciate her throwing things away that have sentimental value to you or are simply cool clothes to wear.

RysnAtHeart − NTA. She's literally stealing from you! This isn't normal or okay behavior. The fact she's donating it/doing it to control what you wear doesn't make it any better. And taking your dishes for a future apartment is extra concerning - is she trying to sabotage your independence? What else is she doing, if so??

Delicious-Tangelo-36 − Wth did I just read. NTA! You bought the stuff with your own money and even if you didn't she has no right to take your clothes, gifts, or any of your personal items without your approval. atp I would just get proof that she does this and then leave or call the police for stolen property (once she has stolen lots of clothes and you have proof). But the police would be a last resort.

MKatieUltra − My mom did this exact thing. We fought about it. She didn't understand the problem. This went on for far too long. I stole and hid her jewelry box and when she asked, I told her

She stopped stealing my things for a while, but not for good.  It did teach me a lesson, though. Now that I have a kid of my own, she's very involved in the 'giving things to charity' process. Her things, her say. She's only 8, but she totally gets that she can't keep everything. She even starts boxes for things she's outgrown.

Aswele − Time to start “donating” your moms clothes that she likes

MidwestNormal − Get a locking footlocker (or two) to protect your stuff. If you really want to make a point start sneaking a few choice pieces of hers into the donation bag.

Brother-Cane − NTA, but I must ask, has your mother displayed any signs that this might be a mental disorder or is she just an ass?

These spicy opinions, from practical fixes to petty revenge, light up the thread with passion. But do they dig into the heart of the trust issue, or just add fuel to the fire? What’s clear is the Reddit hive mind feels the daughter’s frustration—loud and clear!

This daughter’s clash with her mother leaves us pondering trust, respect, and the messy lines of family ties. Her story isn’t just about missing t-shirts—it’s a fight for her voice to be heard. Whether it’s a calm sit-down or a lockbox for her stuff, she’s got options to reclaim her space. What would you do if your boundaries were tested like this? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to draw a hard line with family?

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