“I’m your wife not your mom.” My wife F32 always says this to me 34M and I don’t know how to respond. How can I make her see my side?

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The air in their cozy suburban home felt thick with unspoken frustrations, as if every unwashed dish whispered a silent argument. A husband, bleary-eyed from juggling work and parenting, found himself caught in a cycle of resentment with his wife, a stay-at-home mom wielding TikTok wisdom like a playful yet pointed sword.

Her mantra—“I’m your wife, not your mom”—echoed through their chats, leaving him defensive yet desperate to bridge the gap. Their story, raw and relatable, unfolds like a sitcom with no laugh track, pulling readers into the messy beauty of marriage.

‘I’m your wife not your mom. My wife F32 always says this to me 34M and I don’t know how to respond. How can I make her see my side?’

Hey Everyone, So my wife 32F and I 34M have been together 18 years but have been arguing recently about the responsibilities within our marriage and we cant seem to agree. I work full time and my wife is a stay at home mother. We have 2 children one is in school full time and the other goes to preschool 2 1/2 days a week.

Recently my wife has been sending me the stupid tiktoks that always say

Now to be clear, I am not against helping out round the house and helping get the kids to bed, and brush their teeth and cook meals. I do help with this stuff everyday. I feel like all I do is work, because the second I finish work, I have kids to help with because she

My position is, that she is right when she says kids are work and I can appreciate that after a day of being with them all day ,that she is probably tired of kids. But I have also been at work all day too and it isn't fair to expect me to be sole parent as soon as I'm finished. Then there is the issue of housework.

Our house is always a mess, which frustrates me when she complains about having to do all the

( I work from home, go into my office for 8 hours, only coming out for the occasional coffee and snack) Which means that 90% of my mess is contained to a room only I go in. Most days while I'm at work she isn't even home. I feel that I am holding up my end of the bargain by working full time and then helping with housework and the kids outside of that.

But she isn't holding up her end of it by looking after the house and kids while i'm at work. I could understand that she wouldn't get as much done around the house on days when our youngest is home but on days where she is at preschool, she take it as an opportunity to

Whenever I bring this up or question how much effort she is putting in I get

and I really hope I don't come across that way in this post as that really not what i'm saying. But I am killing myself trying to do everything, yet am being told i'm the problem for treating her like my mother, because i'm expecting her to do her part.. What can I do to help her see my side?.

########UPDATE 1

I agree, I used the term helping as thats the word she uses when saying I need to do more to

I take them to school 2-3 days a week. I know their teachers, I know all their friends and their friends parents names. I know their doctors, I know their allergies (none thankfully). I bath them, I get their PJs on and read them the same god damn bed time story everynight for weeks.

Because they dont want any of the other books we have, they want George the giant. I draw with them, I play games with them, I know their favourite disney princesses and favourite superheroes. As for the household I do laundry, I load the dishwasher, I cook my own lunches and tidy up after myself.

I iron, I fold and put away laundry, I pick up their toys and tidy their play room. I hoover at the weekend and take them to kids parties. I also do all the chores that my wife wont because

#####Update 2... days later, After

That I felt I was doing more than my fair share and that she wasn't. I told her that I could understand that while I may be doing plenty around the house and parenting, that I was guilty of letting her take the majority of the mental load but that still didn't excuse her behaviour.. I felt I was firm but fair and to her credit instead of fighting back she listened.

We discussed her feelings and she admits to not prioritising housework and trying to make the most of her

loneliness & depression, issues relating to my SIL ( she's a mess and constant headache). which was why she had been going to see her so much. Other feelings she had been having about feeling lost in kids, not having anything for herself and some depression related to weight gain since having our second child.

She has put on 40-50lbs and no longer feels attractive. I told her that I still think she's beautiful but she doesn't. Hence our DB.. There were hurt feelings and tears from both of us.. So we are taking steps to help. 1. We have both agreed to switch out mornings and evenings. I get the kids up, breakfasts, teeth, dressed and take them to school.

She does Dinner, bath, bed etc. the next day we switch. this gives us both some mornings/evenings free to do what we want. 2. We are both joining the gym, I too have put on some weight and lost muscle since our second child. hopefully this helps with her body confidence.

3. We are also arranging with the In-laws to have babysitters once a week for us to start going on regular dates again.( for context the in-laws are our only support, I'm an orphan of abusive, raised by my grandmother, now passed.)

4. We have found a cleaning schedule, where you do certain chores throughout the house everyday but pick one room to

5. Most importantly she is looking to get a job part-time so she can start helping financially, give her some income that isn't from me and give her something to focus on outside of being a mom. As all my wages went into the joint account, I felt like I never had any money as I didn't want to spend and there not be enough to pay the mortgage etc.

So I never spent money and resented that she did. So when she gets a job both incomes are going into the joint account, then we are getting a budget together. Making sure there is enough to cover direct debits, then dividing the remaining into accounts for savings and personal accounts for each of us to have our own money that we can spend how we want guilt free.

6. I'm going to pick up a hobby that gets me out of the house and commute to the office once a week. One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home.

So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere. It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.

We took this weekend to spend some time together as a family, took the kids to the park, went to a nature reserve for a picnic and bike rides. Took the kids rock climbing followed by ice-cream.

It was really nice and we both feel like a weight has been lifted. it's obviously not going to change overnight and we need to work at it. but we have a plan and both seem to want to put in the effort.

To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) commiserated with your own stories or just had a kind word to say. Thank You So Much, there were comments that made me cry and so much insight that I hadn't considered. Thank you.

To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word

Establishing a balanced partnership in a long-term marriage is crucial, especially when both partners are juggling work and family responsibilities. The husband’s feelings of being overburdened, despite his extensive contributions at home, are understandable. In many relationships, the challenge arises when the division of labor becomes uneven, leading to resentment. Experts emphasize that clear communication and mutual recognition of each partner’s efforts are key to alleviating such tension.

The issue also extends to the mental load that often falls disproportionately on one partner. The wife’s use of phrases like “Your wife is your partner, not your mom” points to a deeper emotional struggle with feeling undervalued and overwhelmed. Psychological research shows that the invisible work of managing schedules, organizing household tasks, and nurturing relationships can be as draining as physical labor. Recognizing and sharing this mental load can help both partners feel more supported and appreciated.

Moreover, the couple’s situation reflects the evolving dynamics of modern relationships, where traditional roles are continually renegotiated. In this context, both partners must actively participate in household management and parenting responsibilities to foster a sense of equality. Implementing a structured plan—such as alternating morning and evening routines—can serve as a practical solution. This collaborative approach not only distributes the workload but also creates opportunities for each partner to reclaim personal time and space.

Lastly, addressing these challenges requires empathy and a willingness to adapt. When both individuals acknowledge their respective struggles, it opens the door to a more balanced and respectful partnership. Professional guidance, such as counseling or using relationship management tools like the Fair Play method, can offer further insights. Ultimately, prioritizing open dialogue and shared responsibilities is essential for maintaining the health of both the relationship and the family unit.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The overall sentiment from the community is one of understanding and support for both partners. Many commenters agree that while the husband’s frustrations are valid given his dual roles, the wife’s feelings of isolation and burnout are equally important.

The consensus suggests that the solution lies in open communication, shared scheduling, and a clear division of responsibilities. This balanced approach is seen as key to alleviating resentment and strengthening their long-term bond.

Silver-Eye4569 − OP you may want to consider the Fair Play book and method so you can both see what/how much work you are doing. Maybe you already have an equitable split and it will show this to your wife, maybe you don’t and this will come to light.

T-Trainset − Can you quantify it? Make a list of tasks and chores for the household and list who is doing what, and who is contributing what, and see if you can come to and understanding of the division of effort.

TenThousandStepz − You both need to stop looking at it as me vs you. Having kids is hard. Being a working parent is hard. Staying at home with the kids all day is hard. Cleaning up the house and being with your kids isn’t “helping” it’s called being a parent. You both need to sit down and come up with a plan where you can have certain days/times where you can both get alone time without becoming resentful of each other.

egrebs − The sentiment of “I’m your partner not your mom” runs deeper than “who is doing the most work, whether it’s chores or a clocked in shift.” It’s about the distribution of the mental load and what it takes to run a household and take care of children. I can’t speak to how much each of you is contributing toward actual chores vs 8 hour work day, but who is planning everything?

Who makes appointments, schedules doctors visits, plans meals and executed shopping, who is researching household needs and buying the kids clothes, who knows the kids teachers, makes sure gifts are purchased for holidays and how often are you adding to the burden of the mental load instead of taking away from it? (Honey where are my keys?

Or “I forgot to pick up milk, sorry,” seem like no big deal, but it adds up quickly when the whole day is spent being a manager doing the unseen work of planning and remembering, on TOP of executing). How often are you the one to take the kids out unprompted? How often do you take her on dates where you did the planning?

What tasks are you in charge of from start to finish so she doesn’t have to even think about it? I’m not saying it’s not hard to work 8 hours and then have to still keep working, it sucks but it’s also part of being a parent. I agree with what the sentiment of the other comment that is make it a team vs problem issue instead of partner vs partner fight.

You’re both tired and it’s hard, but being a parent is 24/7. She’s telling you she’s feeling unappreciated. Listen to that without your ego getting in the way and make her feel appreciated for the hard work she’s doing.

If you’re also feeling unappreciated, communicate that with her without invalidating her feelings of feeling unappreciated (like put some space between those conversations and put some conscious effort into making her feel loved).

ladymorgana01 − To me, if you're a SAHP you take on all the kid and house duties while your spouse is at work. Then, you split everything 50/50 when you're both at home. That way, everyone is pulling their weight, you all get free time, and resentment should be at a minimum.

Big_Falcon89 − I'm very much going to urge people reading this not to get hung up over the semantics of

If he's the sole caregiver for his kids in the evening, that is indeed not on. Being a SAHM is work, and deserves a break, but do you know what else is work? Jobs. There very well could be a legitimate issue this guy is having, and I'm very concerned he's going to get bad advice because he calls it

420Fps − Cant stand how the tone police always miss the point in these posts

Seatoo − There is an easy solution to this, she can get an out-of-the-house job! That way she can actually be out of the house, get a break from the kids and help pay for the household expenses and child care. Then when you're both off of work the household chores and parental duties can be split 50/50.

Kholzie − Harping on his use of the term “helping” is starting to sound like low hanging fruit. This is a word that people simply use in English. Yes, sometimes the use of “helping” is indicative of a problem. However if you’re posting here just because you saw the H word and decided “that’s a wrap!”

you have your full argument, I don’t believe your points are going to be taken seriously by anybody who can critically think. We get it. We’ve all read the same f**king Emma comic “you should’ve asked“ going on close to 10 years now.

Spursfan14 − If you ever wanted a post that demonstrates the massively different ways posters on here speak about fathers and mothers, you won’t get a better example than this.

In conclusion, this post highlights the complex challenges of balancing work, family, and personal well-being in a long-term marriage. The couple’s journey—from heated arguments to heartfelt conversations—underscores the importance of acknowledging both partners’ efforts and emotional needs.

While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, their willingness to rework their roles and responsibilities offers hope for a more equitable future. How do you navigate similar challenges in your relationships? Share your thoughts and experiences—let’s discuss ways to build partnerships where both sides truly feel valued.

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