AITA For telling my wife we can’t fully participate in her family Xmas traditions?

Jonathan Hours
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In a season usually filled with joy and celebration, one couple finds themselves at the crossroads of tradition and practicality. The husband, deeply concerned about a down year in his sales career and the cost of raising three young children, suggests rethinking the customary approach to Christmas gift-giving. His proposal to limit the overwhelming number of presents clashes sharply with longstanding family rituals.

This contentious topic is not merely about cutbacks—it speaks to the balance between financial responsibility and honoring beloved customs. With a background of tight budgets and mounting financial pressures, the husband’s attempt to safeguard their future places the couple in a delicate situation. His desire for a more sustainable celebration opens a debate that resonates with many families today.

‘AITA For telling my wife we can’t fully participate in her family Xmas traditions?’

My wife (36F) and I (38M) have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids (8, 5, & 3). We both work full-time and live fairly comfortably. I work in sales and have had somewhat of a down year commission wise. At least compared to the last couple years. Coupled with inflation this year and the cost of raising 3 growing kids, our budget has definitely tightened a bit.

Nothing serious, we just aren't saving as much as we have been able to in years past. But also enough of a change to warrant a careful look into our spending, at least in my opinion. My wife's family is large (she has 5 siblings and they all have kids). They also LOVE Xmas. They make a huge deal about it.

One of their traditions is that each sibling and their family buy a gift for each and every one of the nieces and nephews. We are also expected to buy gifts for each of her siblings and their parents. They at least say not to spend more than $20 on a gift, but that's still hundreds of dollars. And let's be honest, a $20 gift for a kid is going to either be ignored within a month, destroyed, or completely disregarded.

In my opinion, I would rather draw names for 1-2 people and get them a gift that is actually thoughtful and worthwhile. After buying school supplies for our older kids and both of them wanting to participate in fall activities this year, I looked at our budget and saw that we are actually spending more than we have the past few years.

I had a talk with my wife about where we can curb some of our spending. I suggested that maybe we have a talk with her family about their Xmas tradition of buying literally everyone a gift. In my eyes, that's the easiest way to cut out hundreds of dollars of spending in one swoop.

She took great offense to this and told me that her family has been doing this tradition for years before I came into the family and she's not going to be the one who tries to stop it. She said that we are just going to have to find ways to cut spending elsewhere. She told me I was a jerk for even suggesting such a thing when I know how important Xmas is to her family.

She suggested we just don't buy gifts for each other this year instead. But that's only a fraction of what we are spending on gifts. When I asked her for other suggestions, she didn't have any because she likes our quality of life and thinks we are doing fine. I showed her the numbers and she still didn't think it is that big of a deal. I mean, yes, it's not like we are going to lose the house, 

but I don't think she is taking this as seriously as she should be, especially if I have another down year next year. I suggested we cut way back on things like Starbucks (she gets it EVERY DAY) and she got pissed saying that I spend money on golfing.  I golfed 3 times this year. She's mad because she thinks I am trying to cut spending on things that she cares more about. I just think her family Xmas tradition is the easiest way to cut back.

Letting your partner meet your family can feel like a monumental step in a relationship, especially when unexpected financial pressures arise. In this story, we witness the struggle between preserving an age-old Xmas tradition and adapting to a reality of tighter budgets. The husband’s concern is both practical and timely, reflecting how unexpected economic downturns can challenge even the most cherished customs.

Digging into the details reveals a clash of perspectives. On one side, there is a deep-seated love for family traditions, while on the other, the immediate reality of monthly budgets can be harsh. The husband argues that maintaining the exhaustive gift-giving practice places unnecessary strain on finances, especially in a year of reduced commissions and increased everyday costs. Both sides present valid points, yet the underlying message is a call for a more balanced approach that considers long-term well-being.

As noted by financial expert Dave Ramsey, “A budget is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.” This powerful statement, widely shared on his blog at daveramsey.com, underscores the importance of intentional planning. By applying this wisdom to the current situation, the husband’s suggestion to adjust the gift-giving tradition emerges as a logical step rather than an attack on personal values. His desire to reallocate funds towards more pressing needs reflects a broader trend in modern financial planning.

Looking beyond the immediate conflict, the situation calls for open dialogue and compromise. Both partners can benefit from a joint review of their financial landscape and a frank discussion on priorities. Suggestions such as scaling back on daily discretionary spending or exploring alternative gift strategies could help bridge the gap between tradition and practicality. Embracing change, as challenging as it may be, could pave the way for celebrations that are both meaningful and financially sustainable.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous. The lively responses range from staunch financial frugality to ardent defense of tradition, mirroring the clash witnessed in the narrative. While opinions vary, the discussion adds layers of insight into how modern households navigate enduring customs amid ever-changing financial realities.

thejackalreborn − Loads of really harsh comments in here on the OP. Sometimes you have a bad year and have to adjust spending, suggesting he gets a second job seems crazy. The tradition would also really annoy me, you're spending huge amounts of money to buy gifts no one will really like, and in return you get loads of gifts that you don't really want either. NTA

Sokapi84 − I think what folks are forgetting here is that you have made a lot less money but are expected to spend the same. That's not really fair to you. I don't think you're an a**hole at all and I think buying gifts for 19 nephews and nieces is insane. I have 7 siblings and just as many nieces and nephews and everyone pretty much understands that it's just not feasible to do that.

I alternate years though and get some gifts one year and others gifts another year. Some people have a problem with your approach, but ultimately, you're the one making less money, so it's totally fine imo for you to say you're contributing less to things your wife wants because you actually have made less money.

CyclonicHavoc − Wow. Your wife spends money on unnecessary things like Starbucks every single day and completely ignores your attempts to try to save money so that you aren’t tight on funds and can still live comfortably. Buying hundreds of dollars worth of gifts to uphold a tradition that may cause you both to put yourselves in the hole is not worth it imo.

If she wants to buy everyone a gift this year, you can still follow a budget and buy everyone something cheap from a dollar store. Your wife is being completely irrational and isn’t thinking about how throwing away all of your money on Christmas gifts for everyone in her family is going to affect you both, and it’s extremely screwed up that she suggested you don’t buy each other gifts instead.. NTA.

Jujulabee − NTA. A lot of families - especially large families - have stopped giving gifts to everyone in the family because frankly it is an absurd amount of wasted money to get relatively inexpensive crap that the recipients don't particularly want or need. Lots of families stop exchanging gifts among adults and either pick a kid to gift OR give a kid to the family that all the kids would theoretically like although that is obviously more difficult.

On the larger issue of your finances in general, you might consider booking an appointment with a financial planner so that both of you can get on the same page in terms of how you want to spend your money - what your important goals are so that it is more of a financial partnership.

Smitty_80013 − NTA - I would bet that almost EVERYONE in her family would appreciate someone saying the

Any_Cheesecake9510 − Nta,she can cut out the Starbucks asap. That right there will save at least a couple of hundred dollars before Christmas. She can also find a seaonal part time job to pay for her family. Not sure how much your golfing . I guessing around a hundred a day,so $300 total. She's probably spending at least $100 a month on Starbucks.

That's $1,200 a year. Or $25 a week. Show her this. She's a ahole for thinking her wants/needs are more important than actually saving money. If her traditions are so important,then she needs to cut back,her spending. Also save money by you not wasting money for her a gift this year. It can towards her family's gifts.

Efficient_Mastodons − NAH. You're definitely not the a**hole just for bringing it up. You didn't make any unilateral decisions. I can see why she might be upset if your solutions are all things she has to cut back, but no sacrifices for you. It's a little unreasonable that she's upset you even brought it up. You should be able to bring up your concerns to her and brainstorm solutions with her.

The two of you are a team and in this together. If you feel worried about finances, then she should be able to help you navigate those feelings at the least. Unsolicited advice: ask her to bring to the table a list of 10 reasonable ways she could save or earn the family X dollars over the next year, and you do the same. Then look at both lists and discuss their merits and pick enough to bridge your financial gap just in case next year is another tough year.

pnutbuttercups56 − INFO You said you showed your wife the numbers and she disagrees that anything has to change. What are you seeing that she isn't? What's the difference in money between this year and last year?. Do you have separate or joint accounts, or both?. Do you have other suggestions that don't cut back activities that she likes?

unofficialShadeDueli − Halve the dollar amount. Then for children under 3 halve it again. That'll save a significant amount already.. Buy one gift per couple for her siblings.. Or... suggest a secret Santa this year? That way everyone gets a present and everyone saves money.

SourPeachCandies − NTA, especially if she can't come up with an alternative way to save money. It's fine to ask about cutting back, but if she doesn't wanna change the Christmas tradition then you'll have to talk it out together about finding another area where you can cut back.

In conclusion, this story highlights the perennial challenge of balancing tradition with practicality. The debate over holiday spending forces us to rethink long-standing customs in the light of today’s economic pressures. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? We invite you to share your thoughts and experiences—let’s keep the conversation going about how best to blend cherished traditions with smart financial planning.

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2 Comments

  1. I would tell her that she can take the money for presents out of her wages, but that you won’t be supplementing her lifestyle if she does. No one, unless you’re disgustingly rich, can afford to buy presents for everyone in the extended family every single year, and your suggestion about drawing a name out of a hat and buying for one person makes perfect sense. Your wife needs to grow up and realize that you’re not in a position to spend hundreds of dollars on extended family every year.

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  2. My family used to buy for all the sons-in-law (we’re all girls) and nieces/nephews. I first drew a stop at exchanges with BiL’s (because I ran out of ideas for them), and then, much later on the niblings. One of my sisters had 5 kids. Her choice, no problem, I love them all. But we had 1. Our having to buy 7 gifts for her family and her only 3 for ours was just too much. Nobody got mad at me/us. We just bought presents amongst us sisters, and all was good. Of course, everyone bought for our parents.

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