AITAH for not wanting to punish my daughter for defending her little brother?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The fierce bond between siblings can manifest in powerful ways, often with an instinct to protect one another from harm. For one mother, this protective instinct took a dramatic and alarming turn during a family gathering.

What began as a typical family get-together at her parents’ house quickly escalated into a tense and potentially dangerous situation involving her two young children and their cousin. The incident has left the mother questioning her own reaction and facing pressure from other family members to discipline her daughter for her extreme actions.

The catalyst for the chaos was a childish prank that quickly turned serious, leading to a startling act of retaliation. Now, the mother finds herself at odds with her sisters and parents, who believe her daughter’s response was excessive and warrants punishment. Torn between her understanding of her daughter’s protective intentions and the undeniable severity of her actions, the mother turned to the Reddit forum AITA (Am I The Asshole?) to seek perspective on this challenging family dynamic and her decision not to punish her daughter.

‘AITAH for not wanting to punish my daughter for defending her little brother?’

We have two children, a daughter who is 7 and a son who is 4, my daughter LOVES her little brother and is quite protective of him, which I have always liked, at least until now. We recently had a family gathering at my parents' house, I don't get along with my sisters because they have raised their children in the way that they believe they can annoy others and get away with it because they won't get punished.

That's why, especially my 6-year-old nephew, who likes to bother my son, whenever he does it we immediately leave the meetings. We attended this last meeting because my father was already retiring from his job and wanted to celebrate the beginning of his retirement with a family reunion.

My husband is the one who usually takes care of my son because when my husband is with him my nephew doesn't dare approach him, but that time my husband had a work meeting and couldn't go, my daughter anyway insisted that she would take care of her brother so we ended up going.

Now, my parents have two medium-sized swimming pools, one for children and one for adults, it turns out that my nephew threw my son into the adult pool, as soon as I realized I took him out and cleaned him, my son was crying and I was watching red, but at least my son was fine.

When I was about to go to complain to my sister we heard a scream, we all turned to look and it was my daughter sinking my nephew's face in the water of the children's pool and putting all her weight on top of him so that he couldn't get up, Almost all of us had to intervene to be able to separate them.

I couldn't believe that a 7-year-old girl could have so much strength, but not even my two sisters and I could make her let go my nephew. When we managed to separate them, my nephew began to vomit water, throw it out of his nose and cry, my daughter also cried while hugging her brother,

and I hugging both of them, when everything calmed down between them, the screams began between my sister and me, my Sister wanted to hit my daughter and I got in the way, luckily nothing happened, In the end we separated and each of us returned home.

It is worth clarifying that I did not punish my daughter for what she did, and I do not plan to do so, she was only defending her brother, but the problem is that my sisters both want my daughter apologize to my nephew, and that I should punish her in front of them to let them know that that kind of violence is not okay.

Which I refused to do, my parents also think that my daughter went a little too far, the only person who is on my side now is my husband saying that he would have done the same if he had been in my daughter's place, so I am the a**hole for refusing to punish her and not wanting her to apologize?

The situation described in this Reddit post is a complex one, touching upon themes of sibling relationships, bullying, and the appropriate responses to aggressive behavior in children. While the daughter’s instinct to protect her younger brother is understandable and even commendable to a certain extent, the level of force she used raises serious concerns about her understanding of appropriate conflict resolution and the potential consequences of her actions.

As Dr. Laura Markham, a parenting expert and author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,” emphasizes, “Our job as parents is not just to stop the immediate behavior, but to teach our children skills for life.” In this case, while the daughter’s heart may have been in the right place, her actions demonstrate a need for guidance in handling conflict without resorting to violence.

The context of the family dynamic is also crucial here. The OP mentions a history of her nephew’s annoying behavior towards her son, which the adults in the family seem to have tolerated or not effectively addressed. This pattern of unchecked behavior may have contributed to the daughter feeling that she needed to take drastic measures to protect her brother.

It highlights the importance of adults intervening to address bullying behavior early on, rather than allowing children to feel they must resort to physical retaliation. As the American Academy of Pediatrics states in their policy on bullying, “Pediatricians should advise parents to teach their children nonviolent strategies for dealing with bullying and to encourage them to seek adult help.”

While the mother’s initial reaction to protect her daughter from her angry sister is understandable, completely refraining from addressing the daughter’s behavior might send the wrong message. It’s essential to acknowledge her protective intentions while also clearly communicating that holding someone underwater is dangerous and unacceptable.

This doesn’t necessarily equate to harsh punishment, but rather a calm and age-appropriate conversation about alternative ways to handle such situations in the future. Perhaps exploring strategies like verbal assertiveness or seeking adult help could be beneficial.

Ultimately, the goal is to teach the daughter how to be a supportive and protective sibling without resorting to potentially harmful violence. Ignoring the incident or solely focusing on the nephew’s initial aggression risks missing an opportunity to guide the daughter towards healthier coping mechanisms. A balanced approach that acknowledges her feelings, addresses the danger of her actions, and explores alternative solutions would likely be the most beneficial in the long run.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Let’s see what the ever-insightful (and often brutally honest) voices of the Reddit community had to say about this intense family showdown. The reactions are quite strong, with a significant number of commenters expressing serious concern about the daughter’s actions, even while acknowledging the nephew’s initial wrongdoing.

Many Redditors used terms like “attempted murder” or “taking it too far,” emphasizing the potential danger of holding someone underwater. While some acknowledged the protective instinct, the overwhelming sentiment leans towards the OP needing to address her daughter’s violent response and teach her more appropriate ways to handle conflict, regardless of the provocation.

the_owl_syndicate − WTF are these dynamics? Your husband has to defend a 4 year old from a 6 year old? You decided to rely on a 7 year old to defend the 4 year old? Where the f**k are you? Knowing 6 year old picks on the 4 year old, you let him out of your sight long enough to allow the 6 year old to push him into a pool??

Then the 7 year old HOLDS HIM UNDER THE WATER AND IT TAKES MULTIPLE PEOPLE TO SAVE HIM?? And now y'all are arguing about apologies instead of dealing with the fact that your kids tried to seriously harm each other??. What is wrong with you people?

No_Nectarine_4528 − How was a 4 year old and 6 year old left alone near water long enough, that gave them time to be pushed into water and then a 7 year old the chance to try to drown a 6 year old in WATER???? HOW do u not KNOW that drowning is the number ONE cause of death in children under 14?? EAH!

MarginalGreatness − Maybe your family should hire some adults to supervise you all since you all behave like children.

ExtendedSpikeProtein − Let your sister punish her brat first and let him apologize, then you will do the same in return. It will never happen, and this is all you need to know. Regardless, you need to teach your daughter that retaliation like that is very dangerous, even if her heart was in the right place, so to speak.

lovebeinganasshole − ESH. Every single last adult.. I have a little brother would/have defended him, HOWEVER, your daughter took it too far. You failed to defend your son and forced your daughter to feel like it’s ok to nearly m**der another child. Think about that. Your 7yo attempted to m**der a 6yo.

You and every adult there made her feel like that was her only choice. It wasn’t that she just pushed him in the water she held him down. You are lucky your nephew didn’t die. You should hope he doesn’t have a secondary (dry) drowning.. And you all are over here asking for an apology WTF.. If you can’t adequately supervise your children around your family then stop taking them there.

sunny394 − Oof, you need to have a talk and some kind of punishment with your daughter (I don’t care if she doesn’t apologize to the nephew) because if you don’t, your kid might actually accidentally kill another kid. ESH, but you have to address this situation with your daughter.

Ignoring the situation with your nephew, you are your daughter’s parents and should be teaching her right from wrong and how to function in society. Tell your sisters that your daughter will apologize to nephew when nephew apologizes to son. You do not have to share that your daughter is being punished with your sisters,

but you absolutely should be parenting your child within the privacy of your own home. Edit: For God’s sake, tell your parents to kindly f**k off. This interaction could have ended with your son or nephew’s deaths. Tell your parents that you will no longer be attending any events with your nephew for the safety of all 3 children.

They are welcome to meet with your children independently of nephew. If not, their loss, but you are done putting their happiness before the safety of the children. You are constantly putting your daughter in a situation where she sees her cousin bullying her little brother and getting away with it because the adults refuse to punish him or control his behavior and she feels it’s now her responsibility to protect him because you assholes won’t.

avidbanana − INFO: why were these children unsupervised around two pools in the first place? I’m genuinely asking. “It turns out” your nephew threw your son in the pool? You didn’t see this? In the nicest way possible, what else could you have possibly been doing that was more important than watching your children?

I’m so baffled by everything going on in this story. You and your husband are assholes for not watching your very small children around a pool. You are also assholes for being unconcerned about your daughter’s behavior. Your nephew’s behavior was wrong, of course it was, but that does not make your daughter’s behavior acceptable.

WebInformal9558 − Based on your story, your daughter could have killed your nephew. While you might appreciate her standing up for her brother, you hopefully want her to understand that it's not okay to hold someone underwater like that. I don't know how you intend to communicate that lesson, but it's an incredibly important one to learn.

hideme21 − You are a s**tty parent. You allow your children to be exposed to people who make them feel so uncomfortable that your daughter tried TO KILL her cousin.. Do not misunderstand the situation. She would have killed that boy. And done so willingly and with no remorse.

Because you allow your son to be bullied so badly that she felt this was not only warranted but necessary.. You are a bad parent for allowing it to get to this point. And your daughter needs to be punished so she understands that her actions have consequences. Because she TRIED TO KILL HER COUSIN.

nousernamesleft24 − ESH. Your sister is a horrible parent but you're also teaching your daughter it's perfectly acceptable to drown someone in retaliation.. You both need to grow up and do better. Also, you know your sister is a neglectful parent. You know your nephew is dangerous due to how he is being raised.

Stop going to family functions where they will be present. Put down a boundry with your family and stick to it. Why continue to put yourself and your children into situations like this? You do need to take some responsibility here, OP. You're allowing your son to be bullied instead of removing him from these situations.

This Reddit story presents a challenging scenario for any parent: witnessing their child act violently, even if in defense of a sibling. The mother’s reluctance to punish her daughter highlights the complexities of navigating protective instincts versus the need to teach appropriate behavior.

While the nephew’s actions were clearly wrong, the daughter’s retaliation could have had devastating consequences. This situation begs the question: how do parents balance fostering a protective bond between siblings with the responsibility of teaching them non-violent conflict resolution? At what point does defense cross the line into dangerous aggression, and how should parents address such incidents? Share your thoughts and perspectives in the comments below.

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