AITA for not agreeing with my husband to fund his brother’s trip from our joint savings?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

A sunny afternoon turned tense when a wife caught wind of her husband’s plan to dip into their joint savings for his brother’s whimsy. Picture a cozy home, kids’ toys scattered across the rug, and a couple facing a financial crossroads. This wasn’t about groceries or school fees—it was about funding a transatlantic jaunt for a wedding. The wife, a practical soul juggling motherhood and work, felt her stomach knot at the thought of their hard-earned money vanishing for someone else’s party.

Her unease wasn’t just about dollars; it was about trust and boundaries in their nine-year marriage. Readers might wonder: should family loyalty trump shared agreements? The online buzz suggests she’s not alone in wrestling with this. As the story unfolds, it’s clear her stand stirred more than just her husband’s temper—it sparked a broader chat about money and family ties.

‘AITA for not agreeing with my husband to fund his brother’s trip from our joint savings?’

I (37F) and my husband (38M) have been married for 9 years with 2 kids (8y/o and 1y/o). We are both working and my husband earns more than me. From the start of our marriage, we agreed to keep a joint bank account and a personal bank account. In this way, we are able to share with the responsibilities of covering our family expenses and have our own money for personal needs.

Recently, my BIL (41M) shared the news that his SIL that lives overseas is getting married. Her immediate family in the country has been invited to attend the wedding. Her only sister, my BIL’s wife, is expected to be there. The trip will require visa and of course, plane tickets. As we know traveling is a bit expensive.

My BIL has to pay for his plane tickets and visa processing as not all the expenses can be covered by his SIL. For this, my BIL is asking (not borrowing) money from my husband to fund his travels. My husband was planning to give out but he would take it from our joint account and not his personal account.

I firmly said no and told him that if he wants to help he can get money from his personal account and give what he can afford. I also said that if his BIL cannot afford the trip then he shouldn’t be joining. His wife can go with her family to attend the wedding.

My husband is now upset as he said that I said no and even mentioned that I was a bit insensitive as my family side was never in the situation to ask extra money from us. I told him that I do help out with my family side’s expenses in case of emergency but I never touch our joint account in helping them.

My BIL is still pestering my husband for his “contribution” but my husband is still silent on how much to give. So, AITA in this situation?

⭐️UPDATE! (editing this original post for update)⭐️

First off, thank you for the advice, feedback and concerns. A lot of you were asking how much is the cost of the trip. We are from Asia and the wedding will be in the US. The cost of plane ticket and travel expenses is quite high. Their plan is stay for another 2 weeks after the wedding. All-in-all estimated cost is around USD 2500.

My husband and I had a discussion on this matter. I was relieved when he admitted that it was wrong of him to think about using money from our joint account. He apologized for it and on how he reacted when I said no to the request. He assured me that he has not touch our joint account. I’ve checked our account and sure enough there was no fund transfer recorded.

My husband initially thought of our joint account as he didn’t have enough money to the BIL’s request. I honestly don’t know how much he has in his personal account. It is his money. He also doesn’t know how much I have on my own account.

He feels that he needs to provide as he earns more than the rest of his siblings. I told him that if it is an emergency we can help. In this case, it is not an emergency or a priority. He shouldn’t feel bad or burden himself about setting boundaries. We end our discussion with him still open to pitch in but only around USD 200. He will get the money from his personal account.

In the evening, we had a dinner with his side of the family. The topic of the trip came up. BIL was excited and jokingly asked solicitation from his siblings. It was a good thing my MIL (their mom), my husband and another BIL (their other brother) told him off and said that if he wants to go then he needs to fund his trip.

BIL awkwardly laughs it off and was saying about getting commission/bonus at work. My other SIL (married to the other brother) secretly informed me that BIL also made demand to the other brother. I just hope and pray that he does find other ways instead from asking or soliciting from families.

Money talks, but in this case, it screamed family drama. The wife’s clash with her husband over joint savings reveals a classic tug-of-war between personal loyalty and shared goals. She stood firm, insisting her brother-in-law’s wedding trip wasn’t their burden. Her husband, caught between sibling pressure and marital harmony, initially misstepped but later saw her point. This isn’t just about one couple—it’s a peek into how money can tangle family ties.

The wife’s stance highlights a key issue: financial boundaries in marriage. Both sides had valid feelings—her need to protect their nest egg versus his urge to support his brother. Yet, using joint funds without mutual consent risks trust. As financial expert Ramit Sethi notes in his blog, “Couples who align on money goals build stronger partnerships” (source: I Will Teach You to Be Rich). Sethi’s take underscores why the wife’s push for agreement mattered—she was safeguarding their shared vision.

Zooming out, this story taps into a broader issue: family expectations around money. A 2021 survey by Fidelity found 34% of couples disagree on major financial decisions, often involving extended family (source: Fidelity Investments). The brother-in-law’s request, framed as a gift, not a loan, mirrors a cultural habit of leaning on relatives for non-emergencies. The wife’s suggestion that he skip the trip if he can’t afford it isn’t cold—it’s pragmatic. Not every want is a need.

For advice, Sethi’s wisdom applies: set clear rules for joint accounts. Couples could agree on a cap for family gifts or require both signatures for big withdrawals. Here, the husband’s apology and shift to using personal funds show growth, but they might still benefit from a formal budget chat. Readers, what’s your take? Ever had to draw a line with family over cash? Share below to keep this convo going.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Let’s see what the ever-insightful (and often hilariously blunt) voices of the Reddit community had to say about this financial tug-of-war. The overwhelming consensus sided with the OP, with many commenters firmly stating “NTA” and applauding her for setting clear boundaries regarding their joint finances.

SoImaRedditUserNow − It would seem like a reasonable thing for BIL to \_borrow\_ money. But a gift? That seems like a lot. Seems odd that your husband won't fund it out of his own account. One wonders if he can't, or it is so much that he doesn't want to.. at any rate NTA

tatsrus1 − NTA. I see a lot of red flags here. The purpose of joint accounts is so each person can spend their own money how they want. If it’s a joint expenditure then there’s negotiations involved. As this is his family and not yours, there’s no reason why you should have to contribute anything at all.

I’m guessing because of the separate nature of your accounts he doesn’t know how much you have and vice versa.

There are a few scenarios that could be at play here - none of which is good:. 1. He sucks at saving money and doesn’t have it to give but the pressure is killing him. 2. He has enough money but doesn’t want to decrease his savings to fund someone else’s trip

3. He agreed to separate accounts to keep your hands off his money but believed he can manipulate you into spending money for his purposes. In all cases he’s looking out for himself. Stay strong. Say no. If you break down now you’re inviting him to guilt trip you until you have no money left and he has all the money.

SomeKindofName42 − Best monitor that account. Very closely. Partner can always take money out of a joint account without permission. And you have NO recourse for getting it back, because the purpose of a joint account is that both people are allowed to do whatever with it.. NTA. Stuff like this needs to come from a personal account, not joint.

SheiB123 − NTA. A loan maybe but not an outright gift. Your husband can pay from his own account, not joint if he wants to GIVE the money. WHY does anyone have to 'contribute'?!?

Clean_Factor9673 − NTA. It isn't a joint expense. Why isn't SILs family helping them?

Desperate_Age6592 − NTA. This isn’t an emergency or a death, it’s a vacation. Either way, if both parties don’t agree on how the money should be spent, then it shouldn’t be spent 🤷🏾‍♀️ it’s a JOINT account. He can help his brother with HIS personal money, like you said. But I don’t fund vacations; let’s see if your husband does.. Also, why was he so keen on spending the joint savings but not keen on spending his personal money??

becoming_maxine − NTA. Stick on this. This is why you have separate personal accounts. My SO and I go the same route with family. Shared expenses out of the joint account. But if my son needs money for a car repair its all me. If his daughter needs money for a deposit on an apartment its on him.

RubyTx − A trip for a wedding is not an emergency.. It's not a need. It's a want. NTA. If it is so important to your husband to let his BIL have money for this non-emergency want, he can put up his money for it.

Round_Butterfly2091 − NTA. Your husband is more than welcome to help his brother on his own dime just like you did with your family. It is wild that he feels entitled to give your joint money away without a fuss.

If he makes more money than you, why doesn't he have enough saved up? If he has enough funds, he's an even bigger AH for wanting to use your shared accounts. Does he have a spending problem?

Chloe_Phyll − NTA. Frankly, if BIL cannot afford this himself, he should not be going. Why would this overseas trip be anyone else financial burden? Makes no sense.

The sentiment is strong that a wedding trip for a brother-in-law is not a shared expense and should be funded from personal accounts, if at all. Many Redditors expressed concern over the husband’s initial inclination to dip into the joint savings without a prior agreement, highlighting the importance of mutual consent in financial matters within a marriage.

This story offers a relatable glimpse into the financial negotiations that often occur within a marriage, particularly when extended family needs arise. The OP’s initial hesitation to use joint savings for her brother-in-law’s trip sparked an important conversation about financial boundaries and the purpose of shared versus personal funds.

While the situation was ultimately resolved amicably, it raises a broader question: how should couples navigate requests for financial help from family members? What are some strategies for setting healthy boundaries while still maintaining supportive relationships? Share your experiences and advice in the comments below!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *