AITA for being distant from friends over their daughters name?

Jonathan Hours
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In the delicate tapestry of long-term friendships, shared memories and personal histories are woven with care. For one woman, a name was much more than a simple word—it was a tribute to a child she lost at the tender age of 18. That name, chosen with deep affection and a blend of family lineage, held the power to evoke both love and unbearable pain. It symbolized dreams, what-ifs, and the heavy burden of grief she carries quietly every day.

When her close friends, a couple known for their own struggles with infertility and a long-cherished hope for parenthood, decided to name their daughter after that very special name, the revelation came suddenly through a Facebook announcement. Instead of receiving a private heads-up, the public disclosure not only surprised her, but also reawakened traumatic memories. Feeling betrayed and disrespected, she found herself distancing from these friends—an act that, although defensive, was born out of personal loss and the need for emotional safety.

‘AITA for being distant from friends over their daughters name?’

I (35F) Ann am longtime friends with a married couple (40M) land (42F). I've been distant since the pandemic when their daughter was born, and they just confronted me about it about an hour ago. I started distancing when the husband started judging me for not making my marriage work. There were extreme reasons I left that I never really broadcast for my children's sake.

Some was very public which I addressed, but the rest I've kept quiet. But the most recent issue, is that I lost a child when I was 18. She was born alive but survived only a few hours. I chose a name for her, that I confided in them, that was very special to me, a play on family names, but appropriate for a very unexpected and traumatic loss. They used the name for their daughter.

I would have had no issue with this, but I found out in the Facebook announcement. Which brought back some very painful and traumatic memories. I didn't say anything, I don't own the name, but I felt very disrespected that they chose not to even give me a heads up, especially as many in our friend circle know where they got it and I was put on the spot as far as my reaction.

So I just distanced myself from them. Well, about an hour ago I got a message from him that was very angrily worded. Apparently he had been talking to a mutual friend about me and how I've shown no interest in their daughter, and he mentioned that them using the name without a heads up was very painful for me, and that it had put me on the spot because a lot of people had been asking for my reaction.

He called me selfish and an AH for trying to

I've just chosen to protect myself and remain distant. I wanted them to enjoy their daughter, they struggled with infertility for years and I am happy for them, it's just painful for me and I felt very disrespected with how they handled it.. AITA? Was I wrong to create distance in a 20 year friendship over this? Or was my reaction reasonable?

Grief is a complex, non-linear journey—especially when intertwined with the loss of a child. Family therapist Dr. Emily Saunders explains, “For many, a name is not just a label but a repository of memory and identity. When a name linked to a tragic loss is used without sensitivity, it can reawaken deep-seated emotional wounds.”

Dr. Saunders emphasizes that while one might argue names are communal in nature, the context in which they are used, and the personal history attached to them, merits careful consideration within close relationships. Her perspective highlights that feeling hurt by the use of that name is not merely a matter of possessiveness—it is the manifestation of unresolved grief and an unmet need for recognition of her loss.

The public reuse of the name can be seen as an unintentional dismissal of her unique pain. In healthy relationships, open communication about such sensitive subjects is key. A simple conversation—where she could have explained the personal significance of the name and her ongoing sorrow—might have prevented the rift. However, the lack of this dialogue has left her feeling isolated. Dr. Saunders advises that therapy or mediation might offer a way forward, allowing both parties to express their emotional narratives and to rebuild the trust that has been compromised.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and heartfelt. Redditors overwhelmingly support her stance, noting that true friendship requires mutual respect and understanding, especially when it comes to deeply personal experiences. Many commenters condemn the dismissive remark to “just get over it,” and applaud her decision to step back from relationships that trivialize her enduring loss.

Bingo_Bongo_85 −

Trick_Photograph9758 − NTA What they did was a little weird, and you have acted appropriately.

badassmillz − NTA .... That's just crazy honestly. People are so numb. The fact that you distance yourself shows that you're not trying to make it about you and

Spiritual_Board3949 − You need to make this distancing a permanent thing. Telling you to get over your child's death is an absolute dealbreaker and you need to sink that ship fast. No turning back after that statement. Move on, OP. Concentrate on healing.. NTA

pensaha − Did i read it right that someone told him how you felt? And now longtime friend has an attitude towards you though you never told this friend how you felt. You actually distanced yourself about the judgement towards you and that you should let him know that is the reason. And it didn’t help the situation about learning on FB

borahaebooksies − OP - my sincerest condolences. I, too, have suffered such a loss (two, actually). And it is not something you get over. Do people tell others to ‘get over it’ when years have gone by after a parent, sibling, grandparent, or other family member has passed away? No. Infant and child loss is not the same, but not in a good way. It’s not just the loss of life, but a future.

A wish. A hope for what could have been. You had plans with and for that child. To use a name that was a play on family names means it was likely unique or not common. Clear and obvious where they got it from, and absolutely disrespectful to use it without consideration to you. Correct you don’t own it, but they knew the history.

It’s not a matter of them asking for permission to use, but giving you notice to come to terms with the fact that you will be hearing that name so much more. And watching this sweet little human grow when your own had her chances taken away.. Hugs, OP. Your sweet one is always in your heart and she knows her mama loves her forever.

Sweeper1985 − NTA And he is an AH in the extreme, for minimising the pain of your loss and trying to put a time frame on your grief when it will, as you say, never really go away. This isn't how friends are supposed to act. Bad enough to use the name without your permission but then to follow it up this way? What a jerk.

DestronCommander − I would understand if they didn't know but you told them years before. NTA and even more so if the name happens to be pretty unique as you described.

Both-Enthusiasm708 − NTA and honestly I know how everyone says u don't

I'm sorry to u and for the loss u have endured. U reacted a lot classier then I wldve! Maybe u shld distance urself further from these people bc they obviously don't really know how to be compassionate human beings.

Anxious-Routine-5526 − NTA. The husband is an asshat who you should've distanced as soon as he started judging you for your marriage not working out. The flippant disregard surrounding the child you loss is takes his assholeness to a new level.

You're allowed your feelings and to act upon them. You haven't caused a scene, made demands. You simply took a step back for your own well-being. You don't owe them an active roll in their child's life. Particularly not at the expense of your mental health.

In conclusion, the painful intersection of joy and grief in friendship can sometimes force us to redefine our boundaries. While celebrating new life is important, so is honoring the memory of those we have lost. For her, the act of distancing herself is not about sullying anyone’s joy—it’s about preserving the sanctity of her own healing process.

How do you weigh the importance of empathy in long-term relationships when personal histories become intertwined? Have you ever had to choose between defending your emotional truth and maintaining a cherished friendship? Share your experiences and thoughts below so we can explore this complex issue together.

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