AITA For Keeping My Pregnancy From Nosy MIL?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Pregnancy is often a time of great joy and anticipation for expecting parents. However, the excitement can sometimes be overshadowed by the well-meaning, but often overwhelming, interest of family members.

For a 25-year-old woman, let’s call her Emily, her second pregnancy has prompted her to take a different approach with her mother-in-law (MIL) after a less-than-ideal experience during her first labor and delivery. Now, Emily is deliberately withholding information about her current pregnancy, leading her to question whether she is being unfair.

Emily and her husband were thrilled to discover they were expecting again around the New Year and promptly shared the news with his mother. Unfortunately, the MIL’s initial reaction, overheard during a speakerphone call, was one of disappointment rather than joy. While she later tried to explain it away as concern for her son, the initial sting of her dissatisfaction lingered with Emily.

‘AITA for withholding pregnancy information from my MIL?’

I 25F, am currently 14 weeks pregnant, when we found out about the pregnancy on new year, we shared the news with my MIL. Shortly, we called her, she was on speaker when my husband broke the news. He told her we are pregnant ! Great news for us. His step dad didn’t hear what was said and nagged her to share the news( I could hear him over the call) she said “she is pregnant again” with a lot of disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Later she explained to my husband that she was just worried about him. So now to today and why I am writing this post, I am withholding information about the pregnancy since that phone call. She continuously asks how far along I am, if I will find out the gender and when my due date is. Very harmless and normal questions.

But… from my experience with my son (21Month) she was asking in the last month of pregnancy, every week, if I went into labor, then everyday in the last week leading to the due date, and every day past the due date. She kept insisting she needs to be informed ASAP and it’s very important to her.

When she insisted to be in the labor room, I said no. She insisted to be in the hallway, I said no. Then she pulled the card “but your mom is going to be there, why can’t I be? I won’t get in the way”. My mom was no where near the hospital when I was in labor, neither did I ever ask or mention her potentially being there. I only wanted my husband by me.

My husband told his step dad that I went into labor after I asked to keep it to ourselves, after his mom’s shenanigans. So he broke my trust while I was vulnerable. I was in labor for 32 hours. I could hear her call him every hour, he would constantly leave the room, and leave me alone. He was highly distracted.

When he stopped answering her calls she started spamming his phone with texts. And apparently she was bugging my mom for any information about the labor. Currently. I avoid topics of pregnancy. Hide under oversized clothes when I am around her, shoot her down when she brings up any pregnancy related stuff.

Act stupid like I never got the due date. And that I am not sure what the gender would be, no point guessing, that I don’t care about the pregnancy and I am busy with work. I feel like I am the a**hole. But I want to have some privacy, and go through labor and have my husband’s attention on me,

and I want to have a few days after the labor where I don’t answer calls or expected to send photos or allow people to visit. I don’t think I ask for a lot. But AITA? I am withholding information from my family too, and my FIL(husband’s biological dad) even though they never wronged me. They don’t pester me to tell them anything, and they respect my decisions.

Pregnancy and childbirth are deeply personal experiences, and it is essential for expectant parents to feel empowered to set boundaries and make decisions that feel right for them. While family members are often excited to be involved, their enthusiasm can sometimes lead to overbearing behavior that can cause stress and anxiety for the pregnant person. Emily’s experience with her MIL during her first labor clearly crossed the line of what she was comfortable with, highlighting the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

According to Dr. Amy Brown, a professor of infant and child public health, “Women need to feel safe and supported during labor and birth. Having people around who cause stress or distraction can negatively impact the experience.”

Emily’s MIL’s constant calls and texts to her husband during her 32-hour labor clearly created a distraction and pulled her husband’s attention away from where it needed to be – focused on supporting his wife. Furthermore, the MIL’s attempts to insert herself into the delivery room and her false claims about Emily’s mother being present demonstrate a lack of respect for Emily’s wishes and boundaries.

Emily’s decision to withhold information about her current pregnancy is a direct response to her previous negative experience. It is a way for her to regain control over her pregnancy and labor experience and to protect her privacy. While her MIL’s questions about the pregnancy milestones may seem harmless on the surface, Emily’s past experience has taught her that these inquiries can quickly escalate into unwanted pressure and interference.

Emily’s feelings are valid, and her desire for a more private and focused labor and postpartum period is reasonable. It is crucial for her husband to be her ally in upholding these boundaries and to understand the impact of his actions during their first labor. Open communication between Emily and her husband about their expectations and boundaries for this pregnancy is essential.

While withholding information might seem like a way to avoid conflict, a direct and honest conversation about their needs and boundaries with the MIL, ideally led by the husband, could be a more effective long-term solution. However, in the absence of that, Emily’s actions are understandable as a form of self-protection.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit community has overwhelmingly sided with Emily, declaring her “NTA” (Not the Asshole) for her decision to withhold pregnancy information from her MIL. Commenters expressed outrage at the MIL’s behavior during Emily’s previous labor and delivery and strongly criticized Emily’s husband for his lack of support at that time.

Many encouraged Emily to prioritize her own well-being and to continue setting firm boundaries with her MIL during this pregnancy. Let’s explore the supportive and validating opinions shared by the Reddit hive mind.

murphy2345678 − Your biggest problem is your husband. He was the one neglecting you during labor.

PersimmonBasket − NTA but your husband is, and so is his mother. I'd seriously be looking for another person to support you during labour, because he can't be trusted. Either that or he mutes his mother's phone number for the duration. Better still, he can leave his phone in your hospital bag so he can't be distracted like a cat following a laser pen.

Skyward93 − ESH-You’re being an a**hole to yourself. I wouldn’t be putting up with that kind of stress during pregnancy. Get your husband to talk to your MIL. She needs to back down or it’s going to ruin the entire experience for you.

radicalcoach − I’m not sure I understand. Have you told her that you are not giving her any information because she’s an annoying pest that gives you stress and anxiety and you refuse to have that during your pregnancy?. Time for brutal honesty.. If you p**s her off enough, she’ll leave you alone.. NTA

Cardabella − OK Mildred is only a problem because of your husband.. Tell everyone including your husband that your due date is a month later than it really is.. When you do go into labour take your husband's phone off him before you tell him. Ask your husband who is the more important woman in his life, you in active labour, or his curious mother. If he's not sure then send him home to her and arrange a birth partner who knows what their job is.

Tell him if he breathes a word about your pregnancy to her then he will not find out when you're in labour and will miss the birth himself. I think I would take a complete break from mil while going through some urgent marital therapy to have husband confirm if he meant his marriage vows not to let anyone come between you because it seems right now you're not his number one woman.

Responsible_Pass_482 − NTA, but your husband definitely is! I can't believe he kept taking her calls when you were in labour, I would be furious. This time round he absolutely needs to be on the same page of not telling his parents when you are in labour. If he breaks your trust again I would seriously consider divorce.

bluetopaz83 − Get him to swear on the life of his Xbox or whatever he holds most dear that he’ll not tell anyone and turn his phone off during this labour. Look him dead in the eyes say that this is seriously important to you and he FAILED you last time you gave birth.. NTA for grey rocking the MIL, she proved last time she couldn’t be trusted.

TychaBrahe − Time to be direct: After the b**lshit you pulled last time I was in labor, I'm not sharing any information about this pregnancy with you. You will get a call when we are ready to have you come and meet the baby. You might as well stop asking. When you do, I'm just going to end the conversation.

Then, and this is the hard part, every time she asks everything gets shut down. If she's at your place, she has to leave. If you're at her place, you pack up and leave. If you're talking on the phone, you tell her goodbye and hang up. But your husband has to be on board. So you are going to have to explain to him how his behavior when she was calling and texting made your labor harder.

He left you alone when you needed his help and support because he was acting as if his mother's feelings was more important than your physical pain and danger. He needs to be on board with you, and he needs to be prepared to block his mother's number when you're in labor. By the way, what you're doing is called an

Elegant-Ingenuity781 − Tell her a due date 4 weeks later

aboveyardley − You have a husband problem.
These comments from Reddit users overwhelmingly support Emily’s decision to withhold information from her MIL, emphasizing the MIL’s past overbearing behavior and the husband’s lack of support. The community strongly advises Emily to prioritize her own well-being and to ensure her husband is on the same page regarding boundaries during this pregnancy and labor.

Emily’s situation highlights the challenges of navigating overbearing family members during pregnancy and childbirth. Her past experience with her MIL’s intrusive behavior during labor has understandably led her to take measures to protect her privacy and ensure a more supportive experience this time around. While withholding information might not be a long-term solution, it is a reflection of Emily’s need to establish boundaries and prioritize her well-being during a vulnerable time.

What are your thoughts on Emily’s decision to withhold information from her MIL? Should she have a more direct conversation about her boundaries? How can couples effectively manage overbearing family members during pregnancy and childbirth? Share your perspectives and advice in the comments below.

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