Chosen Family vs. Birth Family: My SIL Doesn’t Understand My Pain

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The concept of family is often portrayed as an unbreakable bond, forged by blood and shared history. However, for some, the reality of their birth family is one of pain, abandonment, and lasting trauma. When faced with such a history, the decision to sever ties and prioritize one’s own well-being is deeply personal and often met with varying degrees of understanding from others.

In this Reddit story, a woman who experienced significant trauma at the hands of her birth family finds herself in a disagreement with her sister-in-law, who believes she should be more forgiving and understanding towards those who caused her so much pain. What happens when the narrative of blood being thicker than water clashes with the need for self-preservation? Is there an obligation to forgive and reconcile with a birth family, even when they have caused profound harm? This post delves into the complexities of family estrangement, the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma, and the right to define one’s own family on one’s own terms.

‘AITA for saying my birth parents are awful people and my birth siblings are old enough to realize that?’

This was a disagreement I had with my SIL and I need to hear if I'm wrong or not. We were talking about my birth family and how I won't ever give them a chance to be in my life if they ever decide they want to know me. SIL felt that was unfair but mostly to my birth siblings and how they were raised in the environment that made them reject me.

She also claimed my parents trauma should be taken into account. I said I didn't care and my birth parents are awful people for how they have treated me and my birth siblings are now old enough to realize this and do better. For some background: When I was F6 and my birth siblings were F4, M3 and F6 months we were removed from our birth parents and placed into foster care separately.

I was devastated and spent over a year begging to go home to my parents and siblings. I was bounced around a lot and was considered difficult to place because of my desire to go home. Even though I didn't have the happiest memories of my birth family the younger me was very attached to them all and didn't really care that I was somewhat neglected and ignored.

To me they were my family and I loved them. Roughly 18 months after I was removed a temporary case worker was assigned to me while my normal one was sick. She told me I needed to stop pining after my family and asking to go home to them. She said it was making families reject me.

When I told her I missed my family and wanted us to be together again she told me my birth parents had already taken my birth siblings back, months before that point, and had chosen not to take me back. She told me to accept that and move on and stop wanting them. I don't know why she told me that and expected it to help but it broke something inside of me and for most of my life I was left wondering why and struggling with the reality.

When I was 9 I was placed with my parents and they stuck with me when everyone else found me to be too much and they gave me a home and a family (eventually two siblings) and they probably saved my life. But it couldn't remove the trauma I carried around with me and it left questions unanswered.

I should also mention that I confirmed later that what the case worker told me was correct and my birth parents had taken my birth siblings out of foster care a year after we were placed in care. Apparently they had gone to therapy and "worked on their issues" but willingly chose not to do the same for me.

In my mid-20s when I got engaged to my husband and we agreed we wanted a family, I decided I needed to find some degree of closure or try to at least, because therapy alone wasn't enough to stop that little girl inside from crying and wondering why she wasn't wanted as well.

I did a birth family search and ended up connecting to my cousin who not only remembered me but after seeing a photo I remembered her as well. I was sent to her parents house frequently to play with her something I had blanked out honestly. After we reconnected I asked her questions and firstly she confirmed that my birth parents and birth siblings didn't want to meet me and secondly that I was not thought of well in my birth household.

I found out that I had been a twin and my twin brother had been stillborn and my birth parents blamed me, and fell into depression and didn't take the best care of us but after therapy they realized they loved and wanted their younger three kids. But I was still who they blamed.

My birth siblings knew the story and my cousin had attempted to show them how fucked up it was but they hated me and saw me as a waste of their time. Hearing the story, finding out the truth, and even seeing the grave where they had called him a big brother to our three younger birth siblings but no mention of me was difficult. I did struggle for a while.

But with my family and husband (then fiance) around me I healed and finally put that little girl who wondered why to rest. I got married and my husband and I had children together once I had become a healthier version of myself. My cousin and I are very close and she's estranged from my whole birth family, including her parents.

My ILs knew about my history and I was open and honest with them about everything I had learned and been through. In part because the person they first met was a very broken young woman and my fiance and I stalled our wedding so I could get help and once I was in a better place I let go of any shame or guilt and realized I had no reason to hide.

For reasons not fully known to me (but my husband has an idea) my SIL brought the topic up to me and like I mentioned we disagreed and she found it very wrong of me to hold the view I do. She thinks I should be showing more grace to everyone but mostly to my birth siblings because it's how they grew up.

She thinks saying they're old enough is BS when it took me so long to come to terms with everything and heal. She believes my feelings show a lack of compassion. And while others disagree with her I wonder if I should be less harsh when addressing the topic of my birth family after all this time.. AITA?
The OP’s experience is a deeply traumatic one, marked by early separation from her siblings, the devastating news of being unwanted by her birth parents, and the added burden of being blamed for the stillbirth of her twin brother. This level of emotional neglect and blame in childhood can have profound and lasting effects on an individual’s sense of self-worth and their ability to form healthy attachments. The fact that the OP was able to heal and build a fulfilling life with her adoptive family and her husband is a testament to her resilience and strength.

The OP’s decision not to give her birth family a chance to be in her life is a valid and understandable one. As Dr. Judith Herman, a clinical professor of psychiatry and author of Trauma and Recovery, emphasizes, survivors of trauma have the right to choose who they allow into their lives and to prioritize their own safety and well-being. There is no obligation to forgive or reconcile with those who have caused significant harm, especially when there is no indication of genuine remorse or a willingness to take responsibility for their actions.

The SIL’s perspective, while perhaps coming from a place of wanting to see reconciliation, fails to acknowledge the depth of the OP’s trauma and the specific reasons for her estrangement. Suggesting that the OP should consider her birth parents’ trauma without acknowledging the trauma they inflicted on her is dismissive and invalidating of her experience.

Furthermore, implying that the OP should extend grace to her birth siblings simply because of their upbringing ignores the fact that they are now adults capable of understanding and potentially addressing the harm caused by their parents’ beliefs.

As Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author on family dynamics, points out, “Forgiveness is a process, not an event, and it’s something we do for ourselves, not for the person who hurt us.” The OP has already engaged in a significant process of healing and has found peace in her chosen family. There is no reason why she should be pressured to reopen old wounds for the sake of others’ expectations or a societal pressure to forgive.

The OP’s statement that her birth parents are “awful people” and that her birth siblings are old enough to realize this reflects her lived experience and her assessment of their character based on the information she has gathered. It is her right to have these feelings and to express them, especially in a conversation about her own life and her own boundaries.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit community has overwhelmingly supported the OP, with a resounding “NTA” (Not the A**hole) verdict. Commenters were highly critical of the SIL’s perspective, viewing it as insensitive and dismissive of the OP’s profound trauma. Many emphasized that the OP has every right to define her own family and to protect her peace and well-being by keeping her birth family at a distance.

The birth parents’ actions of blaming a six-year-old for her twin’s death and then choosing not to take her back after therapy were seen as particularly egregious. Commenters also pointed out that the birth siblings, now adults, bear some responsibility for their own beliefs and actions. The general consensus is that the OP’s feelings are valid, and she is not obligated to forgive or give a second chance to a birth family that caused her significant harm.

Greedy_Goose_ − SIL needs to mind her f**king business and shut her gob, she doesn’t know s**t.

floweryfuzz − "AITA for saying my birth parents are awful people? Well, let's see...they blamed you for being born and abandoned you, leaving you to struggle for closure and healing. Yup, pretty sure you're NTA. And your SIL needs a serious reality check."

PhilosophyCareless88 − NTA. Maybe your birth siblings do need time but it is not your job or your responsibility to wait for them to work through it and you cannot forever be that little girl waiting for your family to love you. Its not healthy and its what you moved past. 

Temporary_Alfalfa686 − Nta. F**k your SIL. How horrible you are blamed for a baby being stillborn when you’re a baby too. Your birth family is toxic and sick. Therapy didn’t help them at all.

KLG999 − You’ve had a few “you need to forgive” comments. I believe in the concept of forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. But I think there is another option. Forgiveness for me is something I reserve for people I care about and want to be in my life. For all others, I just let them go and don’t think about them. It sounds like you have done that.

Your husband needs to tell his sister to mind her own business. Maybe he can confirm why she is so determined. I would definitely make sure she doesn’t have a connection with your sperm and egg donors and their children. You are most definitely NTA. You are actually pretty badass for taking care of that little 9 year old girl

Sophie-journey − NTA. Funny how people always tell the hurt person to show ‘grace’ instead of holding the ones who caused the pain accountable. Your birth parents made their choice, and your birth siblings are adults now—they could unlearn the toxicity if they wanted to. You don’t owe anyone forgiveness at the cost of your own peace.

WhiteKnightPrimal − NTA. It took you so long to heal because you were the one who suffered trauma because of your birth parents. Your birth siblings don't have that same trauma, they likely don't even remember being in care for a year. Any trauma they had from the system was likely healed long before yours was.

They also have the fact they were taken, not given up, and then their parents worked to get them back, showing they were loved and wanted. You didn't have that. You were taken, but your birth parents chose not to even try to get you back. I think your temporary case worker was needlessly cruel, by the way, to tell a young girl such a thing.

Yes, you needed to know returning to your birth family wasn't an option, but you were struggling with being taken from them, you didn't need the 'you're not wanted' stuff on top of that, that just added more trauma to a young child. it took you finding out the truth, the full truth, to really heal. Your birth siblings already have that truth themselves.

They choose to blame you for something you had no control over, just like your birth parents choose to. They're old enough to know you're not at fault for your brother's death, but they choose to blame you anyway. They chose their parents belief over the truth, they chose to reject their eldest sibling for no reason.

And, based on what you say about your cousin, it sounds like your entire birth family is some level of toxic, why else would your cousin be NC with the lot of them? The trauma you suffered will stay with you for the rest of your life. You've healed, but it left scars. It probably hurts all the more now that you're a parent yourself, it's only the healing and your support network that meant you didn't fall back into that old trauma.

You've done extremely well. Opening yourself up to your birth family, beyond your cousin, is opening yourself up to more trauma. You know they haven't changed. You've heard the stories, seen the grave, you know they still blame and hate and reject you. If you want to give your birth siblings a chance in the future, when they realise the truth, you can.

But, right now, they're not trying, they don't care, and you don't want to. That's all there is to it. This is your life, your feelings, your trauma to deal with. Only you get to decide how you heal and handle things. No one gets to tell you your feelings on this are wrong, because they're not. They're feelings, we can't help how we feel.

You're not blasting them online or repeating the cycle with your own kids or using it as an excuse. No one gets to force you to interact with, or be open to interacting with, toxic people in situations like this. Don't let someone who doesn't understand guilt you into placing yourself in a bad situation with your birth family.

You have your own life and family to think about and focus on - a husband, kids, your new parents who loved you when your birth parents didn't, even new siblings. You finally have the life you should always have had, and you don't want to jeapordise that by letting in the birth family again.

CarrotNew4835 − The therapy didn’t work at all if these grown adults continued to blame a 6 year old girl for the still born birth of her 6 year old brother. Your SIL is an i**ot and she should mind her business. How could she possibly tell you how you should feel when she has never been through what you have? You have every right to feel the way you do. You’re NTA.

Chefblogger − f**k you sil - be quiet. NTA

happycoffeebean13 − NTA. SIL should keep her mouth shut about other people's families that she knows f**k all about. What an insensitive asshat. Trust your own institution, and don't bother with people who don't care about you. No contact with SIL also sounds like a great idea.

This Reddit story highlights the complex and deeply personal nature of family estrangement, particularly when it stems from childhood trauma and abandonment. The OP’s decision to prioritize her own healing and well-being by keeping her birth family at a distance is a valid one, rooted in her painful experiences.

The disagreement with her SIL underscores the challenges of understanding and respecting individual boundaries when it comes to family relationships. Is there ever an obligation to forgive one’s birth family, regardless of the harm they have caused? How should we approach conversations about family estrangement with sensitivity and respect for individual experiences? Share your thoughts and insights on the complexities of chosen versus birth family and the right to define one’s own path to healing.

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