The Cost of Generosity: Choosing a Promotion Over Unpaid Childcare

Shirley Stafford Hours
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After a year of selflessly dedicating her free time and personal funds to care for her twin nephews, our 28-year-old protagonist finds herself at a crossroads. Working from home allowed her the flexibility to provide unpaid childcare—a sacrifice she made with the best intentions, knowing her brother’s family was struggling financially and logistically. However, life has a way of presenting opportunities when least expected.

Today, she has been offered a major promotion that requires her to work in person, a role that would fundamentally change her current routine. Faced with the reality that continuing her childcare arrangement would jeopardize her career advancement and personal financial stability, she now must decide: is choosing her professional growth over extended family obligations truly an act of self-interest, or is it a necessary step to secure her future?

‘AITA for choosing my career over my brother’s kids?’

For context, I (28 F) have a brother (25 M) and he and his wife (25 F) had twin boys about a year ago. The twins were unexpected but even so, I would say they transitioned relatively smoothly into parenthood. My brother and his wife were both able to take time away from work to raise the twins.

While my sister in law was able to stay home, my brother had to return to work since they weren't expecting two babies. This and the fact that my sister in law wasn't working led to her eventually going back to work early as well, which left them the issue of child care.

My brother and SIL both work hard and money was really tight for them, so they asked if I could take care of the babies a few days per week so they could cut down on costs. I am fortunate enough to work from home most days and live alone, so I agreed because it felt like it was something I could do for them and bond with the babies.

We have had this arrangement going on since my brother and SIL returned to work and it was fine at first. Work was relatively slow and I was happy to spend time with my nephews. However, taking care of them, has a created a strain not only on myself but my bank account as well, since they are growing.

My brother and SIL often work late, meaning I am feeding them dinner and taking care of them well into the evening. I haven't put up much of a fuss because and I haven't been charging them because of their financial situation. However, work has progressively been getting more busy and has started to take more attention from me.

I was also recently offered a higher position in the company, but it would require me to work fully in person. Today, while I was with my brother, I told him about my promotion and that I would not be able to take care of the twins anymore. He freaked out and called me a terrible sister, saying that I was abandoning my family. I wasn't really able to explain myself further because he left in a hurry all angry.

A couple hours ago, I received some really n**ty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for choosing work over family. (My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile.) I know if I stop helping with child care, my brother's family will suffer, so now I'm rethinking my decision.

Taking on unpaid childcare responsibilities can have real ramifications for one’s career and financial wellbeing. Dr. Laura Bennett, a family dynamics and work-life balance expert, explains, “Individuals who sacrifice personal and professional opportunities for unpaid care work often experience long-term negative impacts on their career trajectories and financial independence.” Her words underscore the importance of maintaining a balance between family support and personal ambitions.

Furthermore, employment specialist Dr. Michael Ruiz points out, “Professional growth often requires setting boundaries; neglecting personal career goals in favor of overextended familial obligations can lead to burnout and resentment.” In situations like these, it is crucial that family members communicate openly about expectations and responsibilities. When one party repeatedly sacrifices advancement opportunities, it affects not only their future but also sets a precedent that may not benefit the entire family unit over the long term.

Dr. Ruiz continues, “It is important to recognize that a successful career not only serves the individual but can ultimately offer a more stable foundation for supporting loved ones.” By prioritizing her career, our protagonist seeks to balance her own personal and financial needs while hoping that her family will eventually arrange alternative childcare solutions.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Here are some of the candid hot takes from the Reddit community—blunt, supportive, and empathetic: Many Redditors sympathize with her plight, emphasizing that her free childcare was already a substantial personal sacrifice. They argue that her choice to pursue a promotion, which would enhance her future stability, is entirely justified. The sentiment is clear: while family bonds are important, no one should be forced to compromise their career advancement or personal well-being for the sake of unpaid labor.

Apart-Ad-6518 − NTA *one bit*. " ...and I haven't been charging them because of their financial situation." So you did this for free out of good will & wanting to help. And it also cost you money.. And to your own growing detriment. Then you got a life enhancing opportunity with your promotion. Congratulations.

" I received some really n**ty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for *choosing work over family."*. Yet both the parents have done that. And shown who they really are. "My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile." It's easy to look on from the sidelines & expect others to give up opportunities. Please don't rethink. Do what's right for you.

corgihuntress − Please don't. He's incredibly selfish and ungrateful. He's had free childcare and what, expected you to give up your life and dreams and future for his children? Those kids have two parents who decided to bring them into this world and are responsible for them. Not you. You've done them an enormous favor and they have decided to berate you and call you names. I'm disgusted with them. Please don't give up your promotion. Please don't let them browbeat you into being their slave labor. NTA

Tangerine_Bouquet − Well, the parents have chosen work over family ... oh, wait, work is needed to provide for themselves? No, you are not responsible for providing free childcare. Your brother and SIL are acting like entitled AHs and you can freely stop responding to them. You have a paying job, and a life, and they can sort their own s**t out.. NTA

phyrsis − NTA Your free childcare is subsidizing their lifestyle, and they'll continue to take advantage of you as long as you let them.. Stop letting them take advantage of you.

ApprehensiveBook4214 − NTA.  You've been more than generous. I would point out the cost of food, the amount of time you've babysat and how much that's saved as well as when they've stayed late. Remind them this was supposed to be temporary and you're disappointed your generosity has been met with anger, insults, gaslighting, and entitlement.

You expect better from them and deserve an apology.   Also point out that even if you stayed in the same position you couldn't keep caring for them as your work is getting busier and you can't care for the children anymore anyway. (Most wfh companies require you to have childcare so you're not distracted during work.

Not doing this can result in termination). They are responsible for the childcare arrangements for their children, not you.  You deserve to have a good career. You're choosing to financially support yourself, just like they are.  Tell them next time if they want you to provide regular childcare you need to be consulted before they have more children.

If your parents feel so strongly they're free to pay for childcare for your brother. Watch how fast they come up with an excuse. Me, I'd ignore all the b**lshit and focus on what's important to me. BTW I'm assuming this will be over text.. "Sister blah blah blah b**lshit entitled crap something something selfish something something can't afford normal parenting expenses...." My response:

Yes I'm thrilled about the promotion. Thanks for your well wishes. I'm also confident you'll be able to figure out childcare for the kids. I know you've been saving since I've so generously been helping you out.  You're welcome.. Take the new job and congrats on the promotion.

Beautiful-Way-2259 − NTA. You shouldn't be expected to hold yourself back in your career because your brother and his wife had kids they can't afford. The entitled is unbelievable. They're the AH not you. 

FloofyDireWolf − NTA You absolutely should not and cannot sacrifice your career to take care of someone else’s children. You’ve done far too much already in actually having them for so much time and absorbing the extra costs!

You tell them that as of X date, you will no longer be available to provide childcare and make sure you leave earlier than expected to go into work for the first week or two in case they try to d**p them on you. The fact that they are complaining when they should be blessing and thanking you for the major help is a red flag. They sound ungrateful and awful.

neophenx − NTA. It's so weird to frame it like "you're abandoning your family for the sake of your job" when the same attitude is more accurately reversed on them. Anybody who tried that logic on you, retort with "You are actively trying to keep opportunities from your family because of choices YOU made."

SnarkySheep − NTA You have given your brother and SIL not only a full year of free daycare for two infants - worth a nice little sum, which they conveniently seem to have forgotten - but also seem to have helped a great deal with other costs, such as the meals you mentioned, and probably diapers and other things too.

Now that the kids are getting more active, even if you were to stay WFH, how exactly do they think you're supposed to get everything done you need to while chasing after two toddlers? Did they imagine you would keep being their primary childcare until they started kindergarten?

What's more, even if by some miracle you were able to manage, many companies these days will not let employees work from home with small children, unless they are able to provide proof of another person on site being their main caregiver. IDK if your employer knew you had the kids this whole year, but in many cases, you might have your own employment jeopardized if they found out you had two active toddlers and were the only adult in the home.

CivMom − Wait: didn’t they choose work first? I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve to live the life you have chosen, and there’s a reason one parent often stays home in the early years. NTA

In conclusion, this story raises an important question about where to draw the line between family support and personal ambition. Our protagonist’s decision to prioritize her career is seen by many as a well-earned step towards financial and personal independence—yet it has ignited serious resentment among family members. Should family members be expected to sacrifice their own futures indefinitely for unpaid labor, or is it sometimes necessary to set boundaries for the sake of one’s own growth?

What do you think? Is choosing your career over being a constant caregiver a justified and necessary decision, or do family obligations always come first? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—your insights could help others facing similar crossroads.

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