AITA for not giving my dad’s wife a heads up that I was dancing with my granny at my wedding?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Wedding days are meant to be unique celebrations of love and personal expression. For one groom, choosing to share a heartfelt dance with his granny was more than a simple decision—it was a tribute to a bond that has shaped his life, even if it wasn’t anticipated to cause conflict. In the midst of joyous festivities, not anticipating an issue, he never felt the need to give his dad’s wife a prior heads up.

Yet, as the day unfolded and emotions ran high, what was a personal moment became a source of recurring family tension. The disagreement now centers on whether a respectful warning should have been given. Despite suggestions to the contrary, he remains firm in believing his decision honored the relationships that truly mattered to him, even if it challenged traditional family roles.

‘AITA for not giving my dad’s wife a heads up that I was dancing with my granny at my wedding?’

I (28m) got married in November. Ever since the wedding there has been an ongoing disagreement over my choice to dance with my granny while my wife danced with her dad. The big thing appears to be that I didn't give my dad's wife, who I met when I was 11, a heads up about this and she found out about the dance while it happened. But the other layer appears to be that I asked my granny instead of my dad's wife.

This has been brought up at least 7 different times since my wedding in November and over the weekend it was brought up again but it became an actual fight. The short version is I never considered telling her about it before my wedding because I didn't expect it to be an issue. And she was not on my mind while I was planning the wedding. Longer version is that I didn't consider warning her in advance or anything but I know there's some more complexity to this.

I never considered her a mother figure. I met her when I was 11 and she moved in with us when I was 12 and married dad when I was 13. To me she was my dad's girlfriend and then wife. Not my mom or parent. But when I was a teenager we went to family therapy together because our relationship wasn't developing like she expected and she didn't like feeling like she was only in mine and my sister's life as long as she was with dad.

But that's how we saw it (my sister is older btw). She tried to be a mother figure but backed off by the time I left for college. I thought it was her accepting the reality. I still feel like my relationship with her is contingent on her being married to my dad and him being alive. I'm not attached to her personally. In February 2020 she and my dad separated and didn't get back together until May 2022.

I didn't speak to her from February 2020 until July 2022 when I saw her again for the first time since their breakup. Things seemed fine at the time. She didn't ask why we (my sister or me) didn't call or anything. But now it turns out she was still holding onto the hope that she was more. And that she was a motherly figure enough that I would have asked her to dance with me instead of granny.

Her feelings are hurt and she feels like I was disrespectful to her by not telling her beforehand. On Saturday when it came up again she told me she felt insulted that I asked granny when she was there and the fact she and dad were sitting next to my wife's parents, it made it more obvious that she was being snubbed and wasn't considered a parent like the other three people sitting with her.

My sister told her she knew where we all stood and she thought we'd put it to rest when we were teens and went to family therapy with her and dad. My dad's wife said she figured there'd be enough respect for her to give a warning at least so she wasn't blindsided. I told her honestly I didn't even think about doing it because I believed, like my sister, that any hard feelings about that were put to rest.

She said we're both adults now. That my sister is 31 and I'm 28. She said she believed at our ages we would have come to see her in a different light. She said it was cruel for me to give her no consideration at all when I planned the dance and I left her to be humiliated. My dad said nothing during this and hasn't spoken up at all when this was brought up in the last few months. I told her I was sorry her feelings were hurt.

She said that was a crappy apology and hurt her feelings even more. She told me I was inconsiderate. Then she and my sister ended up fighting about it all. Then I exchanged some heated words with her because she tried to place some blame on my wife for not warning her.. AITA?

Navigating the complexities of blended family roles during landmark events can be emotionally charged. Many experts assert that weddings are highly personal celebrations that often reflect deep-rooted family relationships and personal values. When unexpected hurt arises from decisions made on a day meant for joy, understanding and boundary-setting become essential. Establishing clear expectations in advance—even for seemingly minor details—can help mitigate misunderstandings, yet it is equally important to honor the individual’s right to self-expression.

Dr. Laura Markham, a respected parenting and family dynamics expert, observes, “When family members feel overlooked or marginalized by decisions on such an important day, it is crucial to engage in honest dialogue about expectations. However, the authenticity of one’s personal celebration should never be compromised to appease others.”Her perspective highlights that while sensitivity is necessary, personal milestones should remain an expression of genuine connection. This approach reinforces that each participant in the family has unique roles and rights, even if they deviate from traditional expectations.

Moreover, Dr. Markham emphasizes that unresolved past conflicts often resurface at pivotal moments, complicating an otherwise joyful occasion. Her advice is clear: “Establishing and respecting boundaries within a blended family is key. When hurt feelings emerge, they offer a chance to communicate and recalibrate mutual expectations rather than dictate one’s genuine experience.” This sentiment resonates strongly in situations like these, where longstanding issues come to the surface and require both compassion and firm self-assertion.

Finally, experts urge individuals not to bear the burden of appeasing every family member’s expectations on milestone days. While courtesy and preparation are important, the fundamental aim is to create a celebration that reflects one’s truth. Dr. Markham asserts, “A heartfelt dance or personal moment, if chosen with care, is an affirmation of one’s identity and values.” In doing so, individuals can foster healthier family dynamics by openly acknowledging past grievances and setting clear limits for future interactions.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The overall sentiment among Reddit users is one of robust support for the groom’s decision. Many agree that a wedding is a personal day and that the choice to dance with his granny was a meaningful tribute. They argue that while an advance warning might have softened the blow for his dad’s wife, the decision still falls within his right to celebrate as he chooses. Several commenters assert that family roles should be clearly defined by lived experience rather than enforced courtesy—especially if past interactions have left deep-seated scars.

Several commenters assert that family roles should be clearly defined by lived experience rather than enforced courtesy—especially if past interactions have left deep-seated scars.

atbftivnbfi − Next time it is brought up, say you’re done discussing it. Then stick to it. That means getting up to leave the room if they won’t stop. The conversation can’t continue if you don’t participate.

themcp − NTA. I told her I was sorry her feelings were hurt. She said that was a crappy apology and hurt her feelings even more. I'd tell her

I didn't feel any obligation to warn you about the fact because you're a grown woman and know damned well that you're not my mother, and you've heard it very directly from me in the past so please don't claim that my feelings weren't clear.

The fact that you hoped I'd changed my mind is not my problem. You could have asked, and I would have told you. I would think the fact that I never spoke with you about it and never told you it'd be happening should have told you that you weren't involved in it.

Right_Cucumber5775 − NTA and tell her you're done talking about it. What is done, is done. You've given her the only apology you will. You do not owe her anything else. Tell your dad if she doesn't drop it, you will only see him without her in the future.

Present-Duck4273 − NTA- talk to your dad about his needing to step in. By him not speaking up, he is taking his wife’s side. He needs to shut that down. Additionally, if she can’t be appropriate and respect your boundaries then cut interactions with her. Only see dad solo. If you plan to have kids, you really need to create and solidify all boundaries now, because once kids come into the picture you better believe her crazy will get way, way worse.

ConnectionRound3141 − NTA. Sounds like you need to start seeing your dad without his wife.

Cali_Holly − NTA Not only do you need to tell her that ANY ideas she had are hers alone. Just because she felt that you would change now that you’re older shows the therapy didn’t work. Not if she is still harboring those feelings and ideas about her place in her husband’s, already established, family. And then tell her point blank that if she can’t let this go that you will visit your dad outside of their home. And he can come visit you & his DIL. Alone.

Một mình. Now? You need to talk about future grandchildren. How do you want her to be called? Do you want her to have “the” grandmother title? And how are you going to establish boundaries when your child will naturally pick up on that Grandpas wife should be called Grandma. And depending on how much time you allow your dad one-on-one time with your child, they can definitely be encouraging your child to call her “Grandma.”

jrm1102 − NTA - this is your wedding and your choice. They need to get over it at this point.

PieceAlternative −

Sparklingwine23 − NTA, it's your wedding and I think it's awesome you danced with your gran. Your father's wife needs to shut up and move on.

fgmel − I bet she has no bio children of her own? I wonder if she was hoping to have something more with you because of that. As a step mom myself (47 yo), it would be nice if you guys had a good/closer relationship but it didn’t really work out that way. She obviously had high expectations and has never actually adjusted her expectations to match reality.

It’s wild to me that she would have even expected to have a mother/son dance. Wouldn’t it have been her sign and clue you weren’t doing a dance with her if you didn’t discuss a dance or plan music with her? Assumptions are the mother of all mistakes.

In conclusion, the tension surrounding the dance at the wedding reflects broader issues of family identity and evolving expectations. Though some feel that a simple heads up could have prevented hurt feelings, many understand that this was ultimately the groom’s moment to honor an important relationship on his terms.

What do you think—should family celebrations always cater to every unspoken expectation, or can personal expression come first? Share your thoughts and experiences; your insights might help others navigate similar family dilemmas.

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