My (24M) wife (26F) keeps threatening to divorce me if I do not re-enlist into the Army?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The weight of duty and personal fulfillment can often clash, creating difficult crossroads in life. For one young soldier, this internal struggle has spilled over into his marriage, leading to a dramatic ultimatum from his wife. Torn between his deep-seated unhappiness in the Army and his love for his spouse, he finds himself facing a potential life-altering decision fueled by threats of divorce.

In the delicate dance of marriage, mutual support and understanding are paramount. But what happens when one partner’s vision for the future clashes so vehemently with the other’s that it leads to such drastic measures? This Reddit post delves into the heart of a marital crisis, exploring the pressures of military life, financial anxieties, and the ultimate question of whether love can truly conquer all, even when faced with an ultimatum of this magnitude.

‘My (24M) wife (26F) keeps threatening to divorce me if I do not re-enlist into the Army?’

I joined the Army about 5 years ago. After basic training, AIT, and a half a year in a unit I started to hate it. I’ve felt out of place, unfree, held back, purposeless, and depressed. I’m pretty good at my job, but I’ve rarely ever had the pleasure of making any good friendships with my fellow soldiers.

I feel like most of what I’ve done in the Army has in some way been a waste of time. I’ve met some cool people and done a few cool things but none of those pros can make up for the cons. I’m sick of it. I am not shy about complaining about this to my wife. I’ve told her multiple times how much I hate the Army, and how much I want to get out.

I’ve told her my plan, probably not the best, which is to go to school full time and work as much as possible. I have been honest with her about my income shrinking once I get out. I think that between the two of us (she’s college educated and makes more than me) we can make it work.

Today while we were driving to a hike she brought up wanting to buy an SUV before I PCS (move to a different duty station). I told her that we could not afford it. She immediately got angry and made the correct assumption that I think that because I do not want to re-enlist.

I was honest and told her that I don’t want to, that the Army makes me miserable, and that I would do whatever it took to take care of us once I got out. She made goods points about health insurance, our house payments, car payments, our pets, and eventually having a kid.

She thinks that I will not do enough to take care of our family. I tried to counter that I would make it work (while putting the kid off) even if our finances were tight. Eventually things got out of hand, we both called each other selfish, and we went home. After I got out of the car she got back in and left.

She texted me that she’s looking for apartments, that she’s contacted a realtor to sell our house, and that she’s going to file for divorce. This isn’t the first time that she has done all of this, and usually I get her to come back when I cave and say I’ll reconsider. I don’t want to reconsider anymore. I feel like my mind is made up, but I love my wife and don’t want a divorce. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

The situation described by the OP is a complex interplay of personal desires, marital expectations, and financial anxieties, all intensified by the unique pressures of military life. The OP’s feelings of being “out of place, unfree, held back, purposeless, and depressed” within the Army are serious indicators of his declining well-being and highlight the importance of individual fulfillment in one’s career. His desire to leave the military and pursue education and work is a valid personal aspiration.

However, his wife’s strong reaction and repeated threats of divorce reveal significant concerns about their financial stability and future as a family. Her points about health insurance, house and car payments, their pets, and the prospect of having children are legitimate considerations that need to be addressed. Her fear that the OP “will not do enough to take care of our family” suggests a lack of trust in his ability to provide outside of the military structure.

The wife’s use of divorce as a recurring threat is a serious red flag, indicating a pattern of manipulative behavior. As Dr. Susan Forward, a renowned therapist and author of Emotional Blackmail, explains, “Emotional blackmailers know how much you value their good opinion of you. They know your vulnerabilities. And once they know these things, they will use them against you.” The wife’s repeated threats are a clear attempt to control the OP’s decision by leveraging his fear of losing the marriage.

It’s crucial for the OP and his wife to have an open and honest conversation, ideally with the guidance of a marriage counselor, to address their individual needs and concerns. The wife needs to understand the depth of the OP’s unhappiness in the Army and the potential long-term consequences of forcing him to stay in a situation that is detrimental to his mental health.

Conversely, the OP needs to reassure his wife with a concrete and well-thought-out plan for their financial future outside of the military, addressing her specific concerns about healthcare and stability. Finding a compromise that respects both individuals’ needs and aspirations will be essential for the survival of their marriage. The current dynamic of ultimatums and threats is unsustainable and deeply damaging to their relationship.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The Reddit community has responded with a strong consensus: the wife’s behavior is manipulative and unhealthy. Many users are urging the OP to prioritize his own well-being and to call his wife’s bluff regarding the divorce threats. Several commenters shared similar experiences or observations of military spouses who prioritize the benefits of military life over their partner’s happiness.

The overwhelming sentiment is that the OP deserves a supportive partner who values his happiness and is willing to work together to build a future, regardless of whether he stays in the Army or not. The repeated nature of the divorce threats is also highlighted as a major red flag, suggesting a pattern of emotional manipulation within the marriage.

AMerrickanGirl − She texted me that she’s looking for apartments, that she’s contacted a realtor to sell our house, and that she’s going to file for divorce. This isn’t the first time that she has done all of this, and usually I get her to come back when I cave and say I’ll reconsider.. She’s done this before? Dude, that’s pretty toxic. You might want to reconsider the whole relationship.. Edit: wow, this is my top voted comment of all time!

Fragrant_Spray − You know she’s manipulating you, you should t put up with this. One piece of advice I would give you is to never, NEVER have children with someone who threatens divorce to get what they want.. Just curious, are you often away from her for long periods of time (like overseas deployments)?

PiezoelectricityFew6 − She only wants you for the benefits. I saw this scenario a million times when I was in. Soldier gets out..wife moves on to another soldier. Shes one of those military wives. Probably thinks she holds your rank too. If she loves you she would support you to do whatever makes you happiest. Do yourself a favour and let her divorce you, and then move on and be happy.

using75 − Sounds like maybe your wife had plans for your guaranteed paycheck, now she sees those plans disappearing. Or she's just spoiled and doesn't like it when she can't get her way. A successful adult relationship requires compromise, she needs to understand that it can't be about her "living HER best life" anymore, it needs to be about the both of you "living OUR best life" together as a team. This will probably be a hard pill for her to swallow.. Best of luck

the_last_basselope − Let her divorce you. If she wanted YOU, or cared at all about your well-being, she would figure out how to make things work in a way that you wouldn't hate every second of your life, but what she wants is your military benefits. You may love her, but she only loves what you can give her by staying in the army. Don't give in - if you did you would be miserable at work and at home you would know the woman with you doesn't really care about you.

Tzokoiscool − You should end it with her. This relationship doesn't seem healthy to me.

bootsand − Army vet chiming in. I remember being the only soldier in my class assigned to Japan (my dream come true!) after AIT, after doing the best in the training. My dependent threw an emotional fit and we scrapped that plan, requesting a duty station in the US. We were sent to Fort Hood, and I spent 2 of the next 4 years in Iraq.

I caught an STD on midtour leave the second time around, and returned to an empty checking account and an "apologetic" wife. It took me some time to realize it was the army wife lifestyle she loved, not me. Too long. Take care of yourself, bro. You're worth more than she is making you feel like you are. You're more than a paycheck/provider, you are a \*person\* worth loving, and this is not love that I am reading.

wee-me − So she threatens divorce so you will give in and do it her way? Bet she has threatened to split before you got married. Its a very popular maneuver of emotional abuse.. She would rather you stay miserable in a very dangerous job so she can be comfortable?. She does not sound like a loving wife.

I would ask yourself one question if this was a family member or friend telling you this exact story what would your advice be?. I think it would probably be divorce her. Get out of the army, go back to education, get a great job and find a great wonderful woman who is kind, thoughtful, respectful, honest and loving. She wants you to be miserable because it suits her. Think its time you do what suits you better and be happy.

[Reddit User] − That's not what a healthy relationship sounds like. That's just manipulative from your "wife" and honestly something that would be a reason to end it for me personally.. You should really reconsider your marriage and if that's really how you want it to be. Even more concerning that it's not the first time that happened and that she doesn't care enough about your mental health and well being to respect your decision to not re-enlist.

redditavenger2019 − If she has done this in the past you are being manipulated. Let her go. Call her bluff. Do not reenlist, definitely do not have kids.

Conclusion & Call for Discussion: This Reddit story paints a concerning picture of a marriage strained by differing life goals and unhealthy communication patterns. The wife’s repeated threats of divorce as a means of controlling her husband’s career choices raise serious questions about the foundation of their relationship.

Is it ever acceptable to issue such an ultimatum in a marriage? Should one partner’s career aspirations take precedence over the other’s well-being? What advice would you offer this couple to navigate this difficult situation and determine if their marriage can truly be saved?

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