WIBTA if I kept my daughter’s inheritance from my late husband?

A mother’s heart shatters quietly in a modest living room, where the weight of loss and tough choices lingers like a storm cloud. Four years after losing her husband to COVID-19, she faces a gut-wrenching dilemma: should she release her daughter Maya’s promised inheritance? The life insurance money, meant to secure her children’s futures, now sits at the center of a family rift. Maya’s actions led to her younger sister Lia’s deep emotional scars, leaving their mother torn between honoring a promise and protecting a vulnerable child.

The air feels heavy with unspoken grief as this mother navigates love, guilt, and duty. Lia’s fragile mental health demands attention, while Maya’s college dreams hang in the balance. Readers can’t help but wonder: what’s the right call when family bonds are tested by betrayal and pain? This story unravels the messy, human struggle of balancing fairness with care, pulling us into a tale where every choice carries a cost.

‘WIBTA if I kept my daughter’s inheritance from my late husband?’

I’m a mother of three children (M24, F18, F14). Four years ago, my husband passed away unexpectedly due to COVID-19. He didn’t leave a will, but we had a life insurance policy that paid out $360,000. As his spouse, I received the full amount and decided to split it four ways: $120,000 for myself and $80,000 for each of my children.

At the time, my daughters were minors, so I told them they could access their shares when they turned 18. If they needed funds for significant expenses before then, I allowed them to use part of their portion. My son, being over 18, received his share immediately. I’ve always covered their basic needs, so the money was meant for their future.

This was a verbal agreement, and I fully intended to honor it. However, my middle daughter, whom I’ll call Maya, faced legal trouble in December due to a serious lapse in judgment involving her younger sister’s safety. This incident required Maya to use some of her $80,000 for legal fees, leaving her with about $65,000.

My youngest daughter, whom I’ll call Lia, is struggling with her mental health. Her recent evaluations show she’s facing significant challenges, and she’s on medication to manage her condition. She sometimes makes lighthearted comments about her struggles, but it’s clear she’s hurting. Maya no longer lives with us, as her presence was affecting Lia’s well-being. She’s staying with my parents for now but has been asking for the rest of her promised funds since graduating high school.

I’m hesitant to release the money. My sister, who knows the situation, suggests I use it to take time off work to stay home with Lia, especially since school is out and I’m worried about her being alone during the day. Lia’s mental health is my priority, but I’m also conflicted because Maya plans to use the money for college, which was important to my late husband.

I’m struggling with this decision. Part of me believes my husband would want Maya to have the money for her education, but another part feels he’d be deeply upset about what happened to Lia. So, would I be wrong to withhold Maya’s share? I’d appreciate kind and thoughtful perspectives.

Edit: Thank you for the many responses—I’m reading them all. Some asked what my husband would think. Honestly, I’m torn. He valued education and might want Maya to have the money for college, but he’d also be heartbroken over Lia’s situation. It’s hard to know what he’d want.

Update: A few comments suggested I talk to Lia. I didn’t ask her directly to avoid putting pressure on her, but she said, “Mom, I think you should give Maya the money because I don’t want her to be upset with me. She already thinks I’m why she had to move out.” Lia still cares deeply for Maya and doesn’t fully understand the situation. I’m dreading the day I have to explain everything, as Lia believes Maya’s legal issues stemmed from a misunderstanding, like throwing a party.

Family conflicts over money often unearth deeper wounds, and this mother’s dilemma is no exception. Maya’s reckless actions and Lia’s trauma highlight a clash between fairness and responsibility. Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on trauma, notes, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness” (source: The Wisdom of Trauma). Lia’s need for intensive therapy underscores the urgency of prioritizing her healing over Maya’s immediate financial wants.

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The mother’s hesitation reflects a broader issue: how families navigate accountability after harm. Studies show that 1 in 5 adolescents face mental health challenges, often requiring long-term support (source: NIMH). Maya’s lack of remorse complicates the dynamic, as her actions directly impacted Lia’s well-being. While education was important to the late husband, Lia’s recovery demands resources now. The mother, as the sole beneficiary, has the legal and moral right to redirect funds for Lia’s care.

Dr. Maté’s insight suggests Lia needs a stable, empathetic environment to process her trauma. The mother could use the funds for therapy or a summer program to keep Lia engaged, reducing isolation. For Maya, delaying the inheritance until she shows accountability—perhaps through college progress or genuine remorse—could balance fairness with consequences. Open communication with Lia, ensuring she feels heard without pressure, is key to moving forward.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s takes on this story are as fiery as a summer barbecue, with users diving into the moral mess with candor and wit. Here are the top comments:

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PurpleStar1965 − I just read your post history. I am so sorry for you and Lia. What Maya did was evil. I don’t doubt for a minute that she knew what was going to happen when she left the house that night. The fact that she is more upset the Lia’s rapist is lost as a friend to her really makes that clear.

With that said. I think you should use whatever you need from the money to stay home and get Lia involved in intensive out patient trauma therapy. Please extend your leave of absence. Look into FMLA (if you are in the states) - that will offer 12 weeks of job protection. Maya doesn’t need the money.

That was was life insurance money left for you to care for yourself and children. And right now Lia needs care. Maya can get a job and work. You already paid for her legal fees and fines due to her abuse of Lia. That is enough. And honestly, she will just blow through any money you give her.

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Probably putting it all in her friends jail commissary account. I think your responsibilities to Maya are complete. She is of legal age. She shows no remorse. She can can now be an independent adult.. Please put Lia and yourself first.. =============. I’m adding on since your updates. Lia is a victim.

And right now, like many victims of rape she is blaming herself. Also, right now, she literally, mentally, cannot comprehend that her sister caused this to happen. Not through negligence my dearest OP, but on purpose. Because she gave Lia to those men the moment she left that house.

Her comments in that therapy session make that crystal clear. I don’t think Maya deserves any assistance. She made a choice to pick gang rapists over her family. I don’t think your husband would be as conflicted as you are. Ultimately, this was life insurance monies that you, solely you, received.

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Money meant for you to care for yourself and the children. Right now Lia needs 1000% of your care. Lia may need life long care. Therapy, on the level and for the duration that Lia will need, will cost more than you realize. At some point, after she has had been in therapy and dealt with the immediate after affects of her a**ault, she needs to begin processing what Maya did.

The only way for her to heal and come to terms is to understand it all. She needs you. You need money to care for her. She comes first. Maya gave her away her right to assistance from you when she gave away her sister. If you feel you must, put money in a separate savings for future consideration. If Maya actually goes to college. If she passes.

If she shows that she has some shred of human decency towards her sister and shows any remorse for what she did. I can’t imagine the pain that you are in. Please seek therapy for yourself. I understand your denial of Maya’s intentions. But you need to focus on Lia and use the insurance money for her. She has a long road to recovery and may always need extra care and support.

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Khanover7 − Based off your other posts, Maya doesn’t deserve a dime. She ruined her sister’s life. Keep the money and take care of your younger daughter, she’s going to need your help. Maybe then Maya will actually be sorry for what happened to her sister by her ‘friends’. NTA not even close.

SummerStar62 − The money is yours. You said there was no will, (it wasn’t left to her, legally) and you decided you were going to split it between them (your kids). Gracious of you. However, her actions led to an atrocity happening to your younger daughter. She (Maya) has shown no remorse or accountability and has zero empathy.

Perhaps give your parents some money for her care and feeding up to this point. But you’re not obligated to do anything else. She’s 18. She can do the student loan route. I’m sure she didn’t mean for it to happen, at least we can hope not. But she was trying to get Lia set up with the guy.

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And it doesn’t seem like either the guy or Maya were taking no for an answer. She should never have left the house, but she did…leaving your minor daughter alone in a house (your house) full of people (gang members?) partying. This is one of the most disgusting instances of blatant irresponsibility that I’ve ever heard about.

Her lack of concern (or respect) for her younger sister disgusts me. I would spend the money on your younger daughter (Lia) for therapy, college, whatever she needs to get herself on her feet and try to live her life again.. Maya can f**k off sideways. FAFO aka Consequences.. NTA

ETA: Maya says you “promised” it to her. But didn’t she promise to look after Lia? She was responsible for her little sister, her sister was in her care and she massively f**ked up. She broke that promise in the most h**eous way possible. I don’t think you should feel guilty about breaking yours (if you actually promised). S**t happens. Things change. Funds get diverted. Oh well. That much is clear.

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I think it’s time that Maya learns that “NO” is a complete sentence. Use the money to do fabulous things for Lia. I wonder if you could find some sort of summer program for her. I don’t think she should be alone yet.. Somebody just brought up a possibility. What if this was some sort of gang initiation for Maya?. That’s just f**ked up.

5startoadsplash − Editting out my whole comment: Looked at your post history, I'm sorry this happened, I would cut Maya off completely, her inheritance can go to you and your daughter getting mental health support

3ld3nac − NTA going by the previous posts, Maya needs a reality check. She allowed her sister to be SA'd by gang members, tried to cover for the assailants and has no sympathy for your youngest (the victim).. Keep the money.

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paul_arcoiris − You were the only name on your husband life insurance policy. That suggests that he fully trusted you in how you will handle this sum. I hope this thought will help you take you your decision, you probably know better than everyone what's fair for your family.

Boo155 − NTA. No more money to Maya. Ever. That $65K can go to Lia for therapy. Get whatever documents you need in order, like a will and lists of beneficiaries, and cut her off forever. What she did with the party is awful enough but her attitude...is evil and unforgivable.

I'd also talk with your parents to be sure they don't fund her. If that jeopardizes her college, too bad so sad. And it's not HER money anyway. It's yours and since she has shown you who she truly is, tell her you've changed your mind and she won't get a dime.

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TrixIx − NTA. Frankly, Lia deserves any remaining money for the lifetime of therapy she will be in.. Maya can f right off.

blanketstatement5 − I've seen your other posts, you are NTA. Maya's actions are the reason that your younger daughter is suffering. What she did and her lack of remorse after the fact are enough to justify fully disowning her, frankly.

Fit_Marionberry_3878 − NTA. While she’s skipping off to college as if nothing happened, her kid sister is still trying to pick up the pieces of the mistakes Maya made and won’t admit to. 

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These opinions spark a question: do they capture the full weight of the situation, or are they just armchair judgments? Either way, they add fuel to the debate about family, loyalty, and tough love.

This mother’s story leaves us grappling with the messy lines between promises and priorities. Her love for both daughters collides with the harsh reality of Lia’s pain and Maya’s actions. It’s a reminder that family decisions are rarely black-and-white, especially when grief and guilt are in the mix. What would you do if you were in her shoes, balancing a promise to one child against another’s desperate need? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this heart-wrenching choice?

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