WIBTA I emailed the principal about Doughnuts With Dads?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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What should have been a sweet morning of doughnuts and bonding turned sour for a devoted father at his daughter’s elementary school. The “Doughnuts with Dads” event, meant to celebrate fathers, instead delivered an hour-and-a-half lecture on how dads need to “do better,” complete with patronizing handouts. Meanwhile, his wife described “Muffins for Moms” as a warm, gift-filled tribute to mothers. Feeling the sting of this double standard, the father wonders if he’d be wrong to email the principal to demand a fairer approach.

This story dives into the frustration of gender stereotypes, where involved dads face criticism while moms are praised, potentially shaping kids’ views in harmful ways. It’s a compelling look at one parent’s push for equity in school traditions, balancing personal offense with concern for his daughter’s perception of fatherhood.

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‘WIBTA I emailed the principal about Doughnuts With Dads?’

I’m sure you all are familiar with Doughnuts With Dads. If you’re not, it’s a program that goes on in elementary schools where you go with your child early that morning and you sit with them, usually in the auditorium, have a doughnut (or 3) and listen to an administrator show you love, or if you’re me, just hang out w your kid before school starts.... ...only it doesn’t happen.

My daughter is heading to the 3rd grade. Meaning I’ve been to these things twice (skipped last year, she was sick). Each time we’ve gone (me, my munchkin and her bio dad), we’ve had to sit through an hour and a half of the administrators explain to us “how to be better parents to our children”.

Last time we were given a sheet of paper that had the “5 T’s”, Talk, Time, some other nonsense, you get it. The time before that, we were lectured on how there should be more men in the seats than there were, like we could control that. That very same year, a mother was in the stands (hats off to you ma’am) and was singled out by the principal and told us that she is setting an example for us. Like wtf?

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And what makes matters worse, I tell my wife and she’s shocked. Tells me that’s ridiculous and that never happens at Muffins for Moms (same thing but for mothers). She explains to me that they get a potted plant and the school damn near bows down to them.

There was even an instance where the vice principal was preaching (as in “can I get an amen” preaching) going on about how moms “are the first ones to wake up and the last ones to go to bed” and the “last ones to eat at night” and my wife blatantly said she did none of those things, her husband does (my wife is the s**t, y’all don’t even know).

This ain’t an anti mom post cuz my wife is an AMAZING mother, I’m a mamas boy, and I’m all about the women/mama movement, y’all amaze me every day. But I feel like it can be a little (for lack of a better word) dangerous for the kids to see mama handed a flower pot and for dad to be read the riot act. It’s already bad in entertainment, tv shows, etc.

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Where dad as the aloof, derpy, Patrick Star-type of adult. But anyway, on to my question. WIBTA by emailing the principal and suggesting to change up the way they do things when it comes to DfD? Not just for the sake of my own (admittedly) selfishness but so my daughter won’t keep being told that “Dad(s) have to do better”?

This school event controversy exposes a troubling double standard that reinforces outdated gender roles. The father’s frustration with “Doughnuts with Dads” stems from its condescending lectures, which assume attending fathers need parenting lessons, unlike the celebratory “Muffins for Moms.” This disparity not only insults involved dads but risks embedding stereotypes in children, portraying fathers as inadequate compared to revered mothers. His urge to email the principal is a justified response to challenge systemic bias.

Gendered disparities in school events are not uncommon. A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Issues found that 20% of school family engagement activities unintentionally reinforce traditional gender roles, often undervaluing fathers’ contributions. The principal’s singling out of a mother at the dads’ event and the “5 T’s” handout signal a presumption that fathers are less engaged, ignoring the diversity of family dynamics.

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Dr. John Gottman, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Children internalize how parents are treated; disparaging one parent’s role can shape biased perceptions of gender”. Here, the father’s concern for his daughter’s view of him is valid, as the school’s messaging could undermine his role. Gottman’s insight supports advocating for change to ensure events uplift all parents equally.

To proceed, the father should draft a polite, constructive email, as Reddit’s mary-anns-hammocks suggested, co-signed by his wife to amplify impact, per RampagingKoala’s advice. Proposing a combined “Pancakes for Parents” event, as Doc_Webb recommended, or a volunteer program like Watchdog Dads, per jessonescoopberries, could foster inclusivity. This case invites reflection on challenging institutional biases while advocating for fair treatment in family-focused settings.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s response was a unified rally behind the father, with commenters declaring him not the asshole for wanting to address the school’s biased event. Here are the top comments:

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[Reddit User] − NTA Some dads need to step up. Some moms needs to step up. They shouldn't be acting like all the dads aren't doing enough just because they're dads and it really isn't great for kids to get that kind of messaging constantly without recognition of what the kid's situation at home is actually like.. ​. Please tell your wife she's awesome, btw. Sincerely, random person from the Internet.

[Reddit User] − NTA Parents should be treated equally. This is literally a talk about 'how likely dads are to be absent' or how 'dad's don't know how to be dad's'. Complete b**lshit if you ask me.

RampagingKoala − NTA that's messed up. The school is actively promoting negative stereotypes to the students by doing this. You and your wife are doing a great job of setting a good example at home, but you are not out of line for suggesting the school change their stance. A suggestion though: if you really want your message to have any effect, have your wife send the email and CC you.

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Doc_Webb − NTA. The school is 100% in the wrong here. If you’re showing up to something like this, you’re an involved parent. Instead, they’re turning it into some sort of court-mandated parenting class. It’s insulting and discriminatory. Either Donuts for Dads needs to be made functionally similar to Muffins for Moms, or they should combine both into a single event (Pancakes for Parents? I dunno.).

Leading_Bison − NTA. This seems pretty blatant sexism. They should be thanking/acknowledging the dad's who take time to do stuff like this not critiquing the one's who don't.

jessonescoopberries − NTA, at all!! You should absolutely email the principal, or perhaps have your wife email the principal given his/her biases against dads. This is an unacceptable way to treat dads and it is potentially really damaging for kids to hear and see that. It’s especially ridiculous because he’s preaching to the dads who have actually shown up to the event.

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This event is meant to celebrate dads and the impact they have in their children’s lives, not an opportunity for this principal to “train” dads to be better. If that’s a goal of this principal then he/she should host parenting courses separately for folks who want to get better. it sounds like this principal has some issues with dads in general,

but he/she needs to understand that there is a time and place for these types of conversations and DwD is not that time or place. Our elementary school offers both donuts with dads and muffins with moms and both are essentially the same—little gift, little snack, and 30 minutes of hanging with your kid while they show you something in their school.

Our school also has a program called Watchdog Dads where dad’s volunteer to be on campus for one whole day out of the year, as a way to show the kids that dads are an important part of the school community too.

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They instituted Watchdog Dads because we live in an area with many stay at home or work from home moms where most dads work full time, so they found that dads didn’t get the same opportunity to participate at school.

It was a way of making volunteering at school something that could have as much impact while not requiring a frequent on campus availability like many of the more mom-centric volunteer roles.

Maybe that would be something to suggest for your school as well, as a way to counteract the damage your principal has done to the perception of dads at school over the past few years.

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Stup2plending − NTA haven't you heard? Every dad is Homer Simpson. Did you not get the memo?

countrylemon − NTA.. A school's job isn't to educate the parents, what the absolute f**k is this condescending sexist dribble.

LallaRookh − NTA. Duh. This happened at our daughter's school and the parents threw an absolute fit, bitched about it on the parent Facebook group, brought it up as a topic to the PTA, and after that, we had take-your-dad-to-school-day without any speeches at all!!! Just a thought.

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mary-anns-hammocks − It sounds pretty ridiculous in how much it differs from the muffin event. I don't think sending an email would hurt. It may not change anything. Sounds like your kid has great parents all around (awesome that you and her bio dad both attend this thing with her), you're obviously not in need ofo a lecture.

NTA, but be polite and just mention your wife and you discussed it and are confused about the difference in tone between events. Edit: even more irritating is that parents, moms or dads, who would benefit most from such a lecture likely aren't in attendance anyway.

This tale of a father’s doughnut-fueled discontent reveals the sting of being lectured while moms are lauded, raising questions about fairness in school traditions. His plan to email the principal isn’t just about personal grievance—it’s a stand for his daughter and all kids who deserve to see their dads respected. How would you tackle a school’s biased event? Share your thoughts below and unpack this fight for equity in family celebrations.

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