Why do I (20M) miss my girlfriend (20F) when im not with her, but when im with her, i want to break up with her?
At 20, love feels like a rollercoaster, and one young man’s heart is stuck in a loop. Alone, he pines for his girlfriend, her absence a dull ache that sparks late-night texts. But when they’re together, her presence stifles him, and thoughts of breaking free—to hang with friends or savor solo time—flood his mind. This Reddit post lays bare his tug-of-war between longing and liberation, a puzzle that leaves him questioning his feelings.
Caught in this emotional whirlwind, he wonders if he’s in love with a fantasy or trapped in a relationship that’s lost its spark. It’s a story many young couples face: how do you reconcile missing someone yet craving space? Let’s dive into this tale of conflicted hearts and see what’s driving his restless thoughts.
‘Why do I (20M) miss my girlfriend (20F) when im not with her, but when im with her, i want to break up with her?’
Love can feel like a paradox, and this 20-year-old’s flip-flopping emotions reveal a classic relationship crossroads. Missing his girlfriend when apart but yearning for freedom when together, he’s caught between idealizing her and facing their reality. Her controlling tendencies—like limiting his time with friends—clash with his need for independence, while his loneliness fuels a fantasy of love that fades in person.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Healthy relationships balance closeness with autonomy” (source). The boyfriend’s desire for personal time isn’t selfish; it’s human. His girlfriend’s behavior, possibly rooted in insecurity, may stifle him, creating resentment. Yet his longing when apart suggests attachment, perhaps to the comfort of companionship rather than her specifically. This dynamic hints at codependency, where one partner’s needs overshadow the other’s.
This struggle reflects a broader issue among young adults: navigating boundaries in early relationships. A 2022 study found 70% of people aged 18-25 report feeling trapped in relationships due to unclear expectations (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships). His fight for personal time underscores a need for open dialogue, which many couples at this age are still learning to master. Dr. Gottman’s advice applies: “Discuss needs calmly to build trust.” If she resists his need for space, it may signal deeper control issues.
He could start by addressing specific behaviors, saying, “I love our time together, but I also need evenings with friends to feel balanced.” If she listens, they might find a middle ground—like scheduled couple time alongside solo pursuits. If she shuts down, it’s a red flag. Therapy or journaling could help him clarify if he’s chasing a fantasy or genuinely invested. For now, honesty is key—dragging it out risks hurting her more.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Reddit’s armchair therapists weighed in with wit and wisdom, slicing through the fog of this guy’s feelings. Here’s what they had to say:
![[Reddit User] − Sounds like you are more in love with the idea of her, than reality. It could mean the relationship has run its course.](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/179580c-01.png)
![[Reddit User] − Sounds like typical loneliness. You want a girlfriend but you don't want her. The right thing to do would be come clean because its unfair to both of you. Dont be that guy who emotionally moves on before the physical action.](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/179580c-02.png)
![[Reddit User] − A counselor once told me 'The highway of relationships is littered with people wanting it both ways'. Either you want to be with her or you don't. Either choice is fine but you have to stop trying to live both an independent and relationship life. That doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends, it just means you need to find balance if you truly want to be with her. If not, don't waste her time or yours.](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/179580c-04.png)
![[Reddit User] − I'm guessing this is your first real relationship and you've never had anyone make you feel loved besides maybe your parents. We've all been there and if your relationship is toxic you shouldn't keep it going just because you feel wanted.](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/179580c-07.png)
![[Reddit User] − i think how breaking up with her will give me the freedom ive never had in the relationship, like hanging with friends from time to time, and getting personal time without having to fight for it You have to fight with her to see your friends or to have personal time? No wonder you want to end it, as that is not normal.](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/179580c-10.png)
These Reddit takes are sharp, but do they crack the code of his heart? Maybe love’s not a puzzle you solve alone.
This young man’s tale of missing his girlfriend yet craving freedom is a raw snapshot of love at 20—messy, intense, and full of growing pains. His heart’s tug-of-war begs the question: is he in love with her, or the idea of her? A candid talk could set boundaries or reveal it’s time to let go. What would you do if you felt trapped by love but lonely without it? Drop your thoughts below—let’s spark a convo about finding your truth in relationships!
