Update:AITA for admitting to my son that I love his mother more than him and telling him he’s acting self centered?

In a poignant update that further complicates a long-standing family rift, a father recounts an emotional conversation with his adult son this morning. The discussion, triggered by a missed birthday call for the mother, evolved into a deep dive into unresolved childhood pain and conflicting expectations about family closeness.

The father explains that during the call he apologized for calling his son names previously and gave his son the space to share his feelings. His son, who has felt undervalued since overhearing a remark in his youth, revealed that he’d internalized a message of not being as important as his parents’ bond—a sentiment that has grown over decades.

The conversation was raw and revealing. The son admitted that while he understood his parents put each other first, he found it unfair that they now expect him to maintain a close, frequent relationship. This update exposes the complexities of parental love and the different ways it can be experienced and expressed over time. The father’s attempt to justify his past words only deepened the emotional divide, leaving the family to grapple with the fallout of hurt feelings and unmet expectations.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original Post

‘Update:AITA for admitting to my son that I love his mother more than him and telling him he’s acting self centered?’

Letting deeply held emotions come to the surface can be a double-edged sword in family dynamics. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman once noted, “How couples—or in this case, parents and children—handle conflict ultimately shapes the quality of their relationships.”

In this update, the father’s attempt to clarify his stance inadvertently reopened wounds that have been building since his son was ten. When the son recalled overhearing his parents discussing that they loved each other more, that memory became the cornerstone of his feeling of being second-best—a perception that affected his self-worth over the years.

Dr. Gottman emphasizes that validating feelings is crucial, especially in relationships scarred by past neglect. The son’s admission that he sometimes felt unimportant is a powerful reminder that even seemingly casual comments can have lasting impacts when left unaddressed.

A more empathetic approach might have involved the father acknowledging the hurt caused by those words, clarifying that the kind of love shared with a spouse is inherently different from the unconditional love meant for a child. Instead, the conversation turned into a battle of justifications, deepening the rift between them.

Moreover, family psychologist Dr. Susan Johnson explains that “when parents dismiss or minimize their children’s emotions, it not only erodes trust but can lead to long-term disengagement.” The son’s distancing behavior—his reluctance to reach out and his candid admission of how much he’s been affected—speaks volumes about the emotional toll of feeling perpetually undervalued.

This update is a clear example of what can happen when unresolved issues resurface without proper healing. In families, every hurt word echoes, and when a child feels that love has been conditional or comparative, it sets up a dynamic where the child withdraws to protect himself from future pain.

Experts suggest that open, empathetic conversations where parents actively listen to their children can help bridge these gaps. For instance, a therapeutic session that focuses on validating the child’s feelings and working together to redefine familial roles may pave the way for healing.

Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology supports that children who feel heard are more likely to repair and even strengthen relationships over time. As such, it might be beneficial for the family to consider counseling sessions to navigate these sensitive issues—especially before further misunderstandings irreparably damage their bond.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community has reacted strongly to this update. Many users agree that while the son’s long-held pain is understandable, the parents’ ongoing failure to fully acknowledge it only perpetuates the hurt. Some redditors express disappointment that the father doubled down on his original perspective instead of apologizing and seeking understanding.

Critics argue that comparing different forms of love—romantic versus parental—only deepens the wound, suggesting that a sincere apology could have softened the impact. Others, however, claim the son’s reaction is extreme, pointing to his adult responsibility in maintaining contact with his parents.

This update highlights that even after years of silence and attempted reconciliation, past words can continue to haunt familial relationships. The incident serves as a stark reminder that honest communication must be tempered with empathy and an understanding of the lingering impact of childhood experiences.

How can parents balance expressing their feelings with ensuring their children feel unconditionally valued? What steps should be taken when old wounds resurface in adult relationships? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might just help others facing similar challenges find a path to healing and understanding.