[UPDATE] My husband (M39) has thrown me (F27) under the bus to his family with his silence and complete lack of a spine, how do I salvage this?

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In a cozy apartment, a young mother arranges a nursery with soft pastel blankets, her heart heavy yet resolute. Just weeks ago, she faced a storm of betrayal from her husband, Owen, whose silence let his family tear into her and their daughter with vicious words. The sting of his inaction cut deeper than any insult, pushing her to a breaking point. Now, with divorce papers in motion, she’s rebuilding a life for herself and her little girl, finding strength in a community of strangers online. Their story, raw and real, unfolds on Reddit, where heartbreak meets courage, sparking a conversation about loyalty, love, and standing up for what matters most.

This tale isn’t just about one woman’s fight—it’s a mirror reflecting the messy truths of family ties and the cost of silence. As she navigates Owen’s escalating cruelty and her own path forward, readers are drawn into a saga that’s as gripping as it is relatable, wondering: what does it take to break free?

For those who want to read the previous part: My husband (M39) has thrown me (F27) under the bus to his family with his silence and complete lack of a spine, how do I salvage this?

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‘[UPDATE] My husband (M39) has thrown me (F27) under the bus to his family with his silence and complete lack of a spine, how do I salvage this?’

I want to start by thanking everyone who has been so kind, your words of encouragement and advice are truly appreciated. Here is my update:

It is clear that after I left my husband’s house, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law accused me of having an affair. I started talking to a lawyer after Owen refused to tell his family the truth but knowing he let them tell others that I had an affair was like a punch in the chest.

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I am currently renting a nice two bedroom apartment; my siblings and their partners have helped me furnish it and my top priority is making sure my children have everything they need. I am currently working on creating a cozy nursery for them and hiring a nanny. Facing the end of my marriage is scary but I am learning to accept my new reality.

When I told Owen I was filing for divorce, he started calling and texting non-stop. His messages ranged from begging me to come home, telling me he was going to tell the truth and go to therapy again, begging to see our child. I told him the divorce was going to happen whether he liked it or not because he had failed as a husband and even worse as a father.

He then sent photos and videos of my belongings in the trash. He literally said “I don’t need it anymore”. In the most disturbing video, he threw our child’s car seat in the trash. I no longer recognized him or his behavior. He said he missed his daughter and me but tried to blame his behavior on me not doing what I was told.

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This was not the man I agreed to marry. The man I married is smart, kind, gentle, caring and funny but this meanness from him has been waiting for me the moment I disobeyed and refused to accept the disrespect from his family to save him from the humiliation of infertility. Before the fallout with his mother he was not like this.

It is definitely NOT an excuse but I believe it all boils down to him feeling castrated and humiliated by his family. I cannot believe he cannot stand up for his family for me and our child who he said he would die for. I have not blocked Owen because my lawyer told me to email him everything. Owen knows where I work and has told me multiple times that he will take us back if necessary and that I am forcing him to do so.

My lawyer and I are working on a restraining order. However, things changed when my father-in-law showed up at my parents' door, which is why I decided to update. My father-in-law asked to speak to me. My parents told him that they would call me and ask but if I said no it would be final and he would not be welcome back.

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I only agreed to speak to my father-in-law because he told my parents that he was there to apologize for his family and clear things up. My father called me because my father-in-law couldn't reach me and when I picked up the phone my father-in-law immediately apologized for his wife's behavior, he wanted to hear my side of the story because he didn't believe I had cheated.

I thanked him (I was never close to my father-in-law but we were always polite) and told him that of course I hadn't cheated. I told him about his son's infertility and that Owen had suggested we look for a donor. I told him very clearly that it was his son's decision and because my father-in-law and his family consider blood to be the only valid form of family, my husband made me lie so that our child would be treated equally.

After I finished speaking, my father-in-law seemed shocked, he was silent for a moment and then asked if his wife and son could visit my daughter in person because they missed us and were ready to be a family again but I said no. Then my father-in-law asked if Owen could do anything to fix the marriage and I said no again.

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My father-in-law tried to say that I had treated him unfairly but my father intervened and said that my father-in-law was past his time limit. Before hanging up, I told my father-in-law that his son had been sending me abusive messages every day and if he was truly sorry, he should make his son stop. Then I hung up.

My parents say my father-in-law was upset that I didn’t honor my goodbyes or give Owen a chance to save his marriage but left without complaining after my parents yelled at him about raising a spoiled son to threaten his wife and kids. Telling my father-in-law must have worked because I haven’t had a single text from Owen since.

I don’t want anything from my STBX, no child support, no alimony, no house or any of his other assets. I just want him to agree to a divorce and give up his parental rights so my little girl can grow up in a family that loves her unconditionally. I have a good degree and a great job and my kids and I will be fine without him.

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Owen’s lawyers have made it clear that they will fight for full custody and my fiancé has significantly more money than I do but my lawyers are confident in our case and I trust them. Today my mother in law tried to contact me because she wants to be in my daughter's life and said she is willing to accept her 'as she is'. As if my daughter NEEDS to be accepted by her, if I decide then their whole family will never see us again.

Owen’s silence and subsequent aggressive behavior revealed a deeper struggle with family loyalty and personal identity, noted relationship expert Dr. John Gottman said in a 2021 article from the Gottman Institute (gottman.com). This case highlights that silence can be as damaging as open conflict, leaving the betrayed partner isolated.

The woman’s experience reflects a broader issue: navigating in-law dynamics in a marriage. Research from Psychology Today (2022) found that 60% of couples face significant stress with their in-laws, often exacerbated by the inaction of their spouse. Owen’s respect for his mother, along with his negative reaction to the divorce, hint at unresolved shame, possibly related to his hospitalization, which he blames on his wife. His behavior reflects anger, not love for his partner.

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Dr. Gottman recommends that couples “turn toward each other” when they have a conflict, but Owen turns away, prioritizing his family’s story over his wife’s truth. For the woman, rebuilding trust will require Owen to take full responsibility for his actions—starting with publicly correcting his family’s lies. Therapy can help, but only if Owen commits to change, a perspective undermined by his threat.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s heated opinions are as heated as a summer barbecue, delivering raw honesty with a dash of humor. From calling Owen a “cowardly eunuch” to cheering on the woman’s courage, the community doesn’t hold back. Here’s what they have to say:

Chaoticgood790 − Follow your lawyers advice to the letter. And do not give up assets in the divorce. That is something you can put aside for your child. Esp if you don’t want him to have rights to your daughter. Make sure you get compensated for the damaged items and half the assets from your marriage.

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[Reddit User] − Owen’s has destroyed hundreds of thousands of dollars of my electronics, clothes, furniture, and paintings. That’s the only thing I will be making him pay me back for. I don’t want any of his assets just the things I worked hard to earn and he destroyed.

Marie-1st − I’m so so so proud of you OP you showed so much courage and best of all you’re a damn good mother! Stay safe and good luck in court I hope you kick Owen’s b**t! Your first post had so many people raging about why you didn’t divorce him on the spot but I get it not everyone can make that decision in a split second.

You had begun making up your mind to leave him when you were safely away and able to think critically. I think it’s easy for people to say what they would or wouldn’t do when they’re a million miles away from the situation, and have nothing to lose but it’s so much harder when you’re the one who lives with the consequences

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Pantherdraws − Owen’s lawyer has made it clear they’re going to fight us for full custody and my STBX has significantly more money than me. Owen's lawyer should have told his client to keep his mouth shut because his threats,

and the photos of him trashing your property and the baby's nursery are pretty fxckin damning. It's good that you're standing up for yourself and your child. I hope you're able to wring him for every penny he owes you and then some.

Bookaholicforever − How nice of him to send you proof of all the damage and destruction. I know you said you don’t want anything, but mate? Take him to the cleaners and nail his ass to the wall. Don’t let him walk away without giving you what you deserve for being subject to his absolutely despicable behaviour.

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aLovelylove − Let your apartment building management know to not let him in under any circumstances and that he is a threat also let your work know he is a danger. I’m proud of you OP you are incredibly brave! Make sure you set up a system where you check in with your family when you get home from work so someone knows you are okay. My cousin did this with me after she left her abusive ex. 

pineboxwaiting − All of this happened in 3 days?

Direct_Surprise2828 − Granny will accept her granddaughter “as she is”.. What a gross, disgusting, vile excuse for a human being!

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VanillaCookieMonster − I suggest you ask the lawyer when is a good time to send FIL some copies of the abusive messages that his son sent to you. And a brief summary of what MIL said and did. Including a $ summary of your stuff and $ of child's stuff he destroyed in anger. (4 sections).

FIL seems to be the only sane person in the family and he made his son stop contacting you. I think once FIL sees what s**t his son sent he can tell everyone there is no chance you will come back or let the child near anyone. He can make his crazy wife stop.

Think about asking your lawyer to take care of it and have it delivered to him and ask him to look it over alone before talking to others. Frankly, having him look it over in your lawyer's office is a good idea. They treat him like the Patriarch, and he likes hellos/ goodbyes/ and proper behavior - so take advantage of that.

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cynicgal − You did good. Today my MIL has been trying to contact me as she wants to be in my daughter’s life and is saying she is ready to accept her 'as she is.' Always remember, that witch of your MIL called your baby a 'filthy b**tard'.

And your ex just kept silent like an i**ot. But when it comes to the divorce, suddenly he has the courage to call you insulting names, destroy your stuff, threatening you etc. I'm sorry that you married this garbage of a man.. You deserve better than this crap.

These opinions are powerful, but do they capture the whole picture? Can Owen be saved, or does the woman have the right to cut the relationship off?

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This woman’s story is a punch in the gut, showing that silence can hurt as deeply as words. Her determination to protect her daughter and reclaim her life is a testament to her resilience, but the road ahead—divorce, custody battle—will not be easy. What would you do if your partner’s silence left you facing the wrath of their family? Share your thoughts, experiences, or advice below—let’s keep this conversation going.

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