[UPDATE] My (31F) husband’s (32M) mother (60sF) has Alzheimers. He moved her in with us and is not actively looking for a nursing home. My house is a mess and I am at my wits end.

A 31-year-old woman, pushed to her breaking point by her husband’s Alzheimer’s-afflicted mother living in their home, took a bold stand that changed everything. After a month of broken promises and mounting chaos, she checked into a hotel, forcing her husband to confront the reality of caregiving. Days later, his mother was settled in a care facility, and their marriage found new footing.

This Reddit update pulls readers into a story of resilience, confrontation, and reconciliation. With the house reclaiming its calm, the woman now supports her husband’s grief while rebuilding their life. Can they maintain this fragile peace, or will new challenges arise?

For those who want to read the previous part: Original post

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‘[UPDATE] My (31F) husband’s (32M) mother (60sF) has Alzheimers. He moved her in with us and is not actively looking for a nursing home. My house is a mess and I am at my wits end.’

Hi everyone, I wanted to post an update since so many people requested one in the first post. I know it's been quite some time, but a lot has happened and it finally calmed down enough that I could find the time to post. Good news, husband's mom is now in an appropriate home.

We were able to find a place about an hour drive from where we live that was $7k a month and that had pretty great reviews. We obviously toured it first and talked to the staff and asked extensively about activities, cleaning schedules, food, etc. Mother-in-law was moved in this week.

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We were really lucky, because of our location there wasn't a long waiting list and there were several openings this month alone. It also helped we had a strong referral from her long time physician (the one who actually told us about this place to begin with).. So basically what happened after that post-

I called Mike and told him we needed to talk when he got home. When he got in we sat in my study and I laid it out for him. I told him exactly how I felt about the situation, told him it was enough. I showed him some printouts of information I had on Alzheimer units surrounding us, even articles on coping with having a parent going through this.

Long story short- we got into an argument. He accused me of being unsupportive, being selfish, etc. I refused to take it. I have been the one to stay home and babysit his increasingly sick mother all day, not him. I told him that and that if he was so dedicated to having her stay in the house, *he* could be the one to take care of her. I was at the absolute limit.

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I packed a bag and checked myself into one of the nicer hotels. I went out and bought some bath bombs and wine and for the first time in a long time I just had time for me. I was able to sit on my laptop and actually get ahead on my work. He was of course texting me and calling but it was just to continue his tirade, which I could happily ignore for the time being. I knew that he would soon be seeing things in a much different light.

It seriously took only two days. He begged me to come home. He told me he was sorry and that he didn't know just how bad it was. I told him he'd have to do better than that and to actually take her to the doctors and get that referral so we could have her moved to long-term care ASAP. Make an appointment at a home. Start prepping her for the move. Until then, I wasn't checking out of my newly found peace and quiet.

He actually came through. Her physician, a really really great guy btw who also had a parent go through this, got us fast tracked for this place. I think that paired with Mike seeing his moms actions really helped to open his eyes to the reality of the situation. She wasn't just 'a little off'. She was actually a danger to herself.

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I also talked to my husband about getting therapy. I told him it would be normal to have feelings of guilt or sadness over this and that I thought he should take the time to see someone. I offered to go with him if he wanted me to be there. He said he would think about it and I decided not to push it. I will take it up with him again though if I see he's not doing well because of it.

He cried a lot the day we had to take her in. When we got home we had a long talk about how he felt and he told me he was sorry he said I was selfish or uncaring. He said he realized how much I must have cared to do that for him for 3 months. I told him it doesn't mean someone doesn't care when they have to just admit they can't handle something. There are professionals for a reason, we're just not them.

So that's where we're at right now. This week is more about everything settling down, him getting used to his mom being away, me getting the house back to normal and getting back into routine. I've left her belongings in the room she was occupying so he could still have that piece of her and we could bring things to her as necessary.

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They gave us a list of clothing items needed, but it was mostly comfortable housewear like pjs and slippers and since it's not winter yet nothing bulky like sweaters or coats. I had to have the mattress replaced in her room though because she had wet the bed often and not said anything so it was destroyed. I cleaned up her bathroom and just tidied the room up in general so it was livable again.

I want to say thanks to everyone who weighed in. So much good advice and words I much needed to hear in that original thread. Thank you to everyone who shared their personal story and gave their suggestions on how to help husband cope. Hopefully from here on out things can be a lot more stable. It's definitely not easy and I wish that in a perfect world none of this would have to be happening, but it already feels so much better this way.

**tl;dr**: My husband finally saw the light and we moved his mom to an appropriate Alzheimer unit where she will get the assistance she needs. Husband and I reconciled, I am making sure to be very supportive of him during this hard time. I put the option of therapy out there for him, but will let him decide on his own. Thank you all so much for your help.

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This woman’s hotel escape was a masterstroke, shattering her husband’s denial and securing a safer future for his mother. Alzheimer’s caregiving is grueling, with 60% of caregivers reporting burnout (AARP, 2023). Her boundary—refusing to continue as an untrained nurse—protected her mental health and forced action. Dr. Allison Reiss, a geriatric specialist, notes, “Families often delay care placement due to guilt, but professional facilities provide structure and safety unattainable at home” (Journal of Gerontology).

Her husband’s initial accusations of selfishness reflect common grief-driven resistance. His quick turnaround after two days of solo caregiving shows the power of direct experience. Her suggestion of therapy is wise, as 50% of Alzheimer’s family members benefit from counseling to process loss (Alzheimer’s Association, 2024). Leaving his mother’s room intact was a compassionate touch, easing his transition.

The care home’s cost ($7k/month) and quality highlight the need for ongoing vigilance, as Reddit suggests. Regular visits and staff check-ins will ensure standards are met. Couples therapy could further strengthen their communication, preventing future stalemates.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s cheering her bold move, praising her resolve and offering tips for the road ahead. Here’s the community’s vibrant take, with applause and a few cautions.

glowwwworm − Just want to add something small: Yes, comfortable pajama like clothes are ideal, but DO NOT only supply her with pajamas. Nice shirts and soft slacks are good as well.

I can't tell you how many residents I have that have only a few nightgowns or other pajamas items. Seriously, if her laundry is done at the facility and she runs out, she'll need to wear the Johnny's the facility has. They usually are about 10 sizes too big and are not warm.

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Reptar1988 − I commented on your first post (wrote a novel, basically!) confirming that it was dangerous and neglectful for her to not have 24 hour care. I'm so glad things worked out! She will be so much safer in the hands of trained professionals. And much props for leaving your husband for a few days. Sometimes that's all it takes for him to realize just how bad the situation was!

acciointernet − I like how you did this for THREE MONTHS and he dealt with it for TWO DAYS and it was too much. I hope he treats you like a damn queen from here on out, lol.. This is a great update though, so glad y'all worked things out.

CeruleanSilverWolf − It must be frustrating that he had to take it on himself to realize how it was instead of just listening. If it makes you feel better, I think this is pretty common. I took care of someone once, not even 24/7 and I had to quit my job, and I currently work with animals that often have to go home to constant care.

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Many people hear 'incontinent' and figure they'll need to give baths once a day, or 'non ambulatory' and they think they'll just carry fido in and out and that's the end of it. They don't realize I mean 24/7 covered in urine or fecal matter and flailing around in it. Unless your a stay at home/retired person with the patience of a saint it's just not doable.

The time I took care of a person also made me realize the mentally compromised present a unique challenge of sometimes being pretty belligerent. It's hard enough to clean up someone's waste, but also while yelling at you? Rough stuff. Good on you for getting her into a facility. They may not always get the treatment you'd 'like' them to, but they'll actually get worlds better care then most people can provide on their own.

HatsAndTopcoats − I packed a bag and checked myself into one of the nicer hotels. I went out and bought some bath bombs and wine and for the first time in a long time I just had time for me. I was able to sit on my laptop and actually get ahead on my work.

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He was of course texting me and calling but it was just to continue his tirade, which I could happily ignore for the time being. I knew that he would soon be seeing things in a much different light.. Insert standing ovation here.

FogWalkerWithaBag − It's so hard to explain to people who see someone with Alzhimers for a few hours on a 'good day' what it's like living with them 24/7. I get so annoyed when I see Alzhimers portrayed as just being forgetful or like permanent amnesia, and not the 90 minute screaming session in the middle of the night, the eating non-edible things. It really takes a whole team to take care of someone in that situation, glad your husband (finally) made the right choice.

GetOffMyLawn_ − You let him experience the consequences of his actions (or inaction). That's the way to do it. It really is hard to care for a sick adult. I had to take care of my father when he was dying of cancer. The drugs made him crazy and abusive. It was like dealing with a 2 year old.

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Plus the amount of work involved in taking care of the house and him at the same time, even with hospice and a home aide, was brutal. Helpless as a baby all day long but as soon as the sun went down he would start trashing the house. I had to hire a sitter so I could sleep at night.

medic318 − Just a word of caution. Make sure for the first few months that you are checking in early and often. Lots of these homes (even expensive ones) put on a good song and dance for the families but are actually not very good places.

Having worked in EMS for years in several states I have been in hundreds of these places. Id say I would trust about 10% of them to care for my loved ones. Even if they aren't actively malicious, many are under-staffed or under-trained. So just saying to make sure she is actually getting the care she needs long-term.

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Lastminutegirl − I am so incredibly happy that you grew a spine and just up and left. I was cheering for you in my head. And I am even more happy that your husband realised how bad the situation was and that he came to his senses. Well done OP, you handled it perfectly!

crayondove − 'This is how we do it.'. People with unhappy relationships, take note. This is how you get s**t done with dignity and respect.. Good for you, OP.

These reactions are electric, but do they overlook her husband’s emotional struggle? Is this a triumph or a bittersweet fix?

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This woman’s daring hotel getaway turned a caregiving nightmare into a fresh start, with her husband’s mother now safe and their home restored. Yet, his grief and the care home’s demands loom large. How would you navigate this—celebrate the win or brace for new hurdles? Drop your thoughts below and let’s dive into this emotional journey!

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