[UPDATE] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a home once shadowed by fear, a 34-year-old woman takes a stand that could redefine her future. Her marriage, strained by her husband’s abusive screaming and manipulation, teeters on the edge as she holds firm to a boundary she set against his outbursts. The air crackles with tension, but her resolve shines through, a beacon of courage amid heartbreak. This Reddit update pulls us into a raw saga of self-respect and the painful unraveling of a 16-year bond.

For those who want to read the previous part: Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

Her story resonates with anyone who’s fought to reclaim their voice. As she navigates her husband’s resistance and her own guilt, readers are left wondering: can she break free from this toxic cycle, or will the weight of her past hold her back? Her journey is a testament to the power—and cost—of standing up for oneself.

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‘[UPDATE] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?’

So, the first thing I want to do, before giving my update, is to thank all of you for chiming in. It can be really hard for me to be confident in my own perception of the world and of reality, and being able to get input from total strangers was ENORMOUSLY helpful. My update: I stuck firm to the boundary I set.

In addition, I told him that what I needed from him was: 1) for him to go to anger management therapy or some other immediate intervention help, 2) for him to find a way to be a supportive partner to me when I'm having a hard time and have that not turn into being all about his own needs, and 3) For him to not only tolerate but actively encourage me to set boundaries, at least in the short term.

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I told him that essentially, my trust in his ability to respect my boundaries was broken and that rebuilding that trust would take a lot of work, including him supporting and encouraging boundaries even if he didn't like them or felt they were 'over-corrections' (which he was saying that this 'no screaming' hard boundary was).

After a lot of back and forth of him essentially telling me he didn't know what I wanted from him (despite me articulating the above several times) while alternatively and continually pushing back on many parts of what I was asking for - and in the meantime him continuing to occasionally get upset and send manipulative, passive aggressive messages and not respect boundaries I was setting in the moment - I told him that something drastic needed to change.

I asked him for a separation, but told him I wanted to continue to work on our relationship and date through the separation. I felt that separating might be the only way he and I had a chance of saving our relationship, because living together was doing continual damage that was going to be hard to recover from.. He said he needed some time to think on it.

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A week later he came back to therapy with me and told me he no longer wanted to be married or in a relationship with me at all. That was devastating enough on its own. At first we were kind with each other - even had a few nights of hanging out and commiserating over our shared grief.

He asked for three months to get his finances in order before moving out, and I agreed. But then one night last weekend he picked a fight with me and again started sending manipulative, passive aggressive messages. I thought he might have been drunk, so I messaged in the morning but he doubled down and said even worse things.

I stayed out as much as possible for the rest of the weekend but Monday morning he was stomping around the house getting ready for work, screaming at the cat, slamming doors - and I was hiding in bed and flinching at every noise. I ended up taking a sick day because I was such a mess.

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That day I messaged him and told him that he was behaving in an emotionally abusive way and that I didn't feel safe in the house with him, and that we needed to revisit our timeline for him moving out. I also told him that I had been terrified to tell him this - that I was shaking even sending the message.

He minimized his behavior, acted incredulous, and asked how soon. I told him end of April, he freaked out and said he needed until July. Then he did a complete 180, said a friend would lend him the money and he'd be out by early April. He spent all week packing and visiting apartments and now he's moving out THIS SUNDAY.

(Which is a little bit of a relief, but is also such a strong rubber-banding move that I'm certain it's him attempting to take control of the situation and I'm sure his story to everyone else is that I don't care about his pain and am kicking him out early.)

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Anyway... that pretty much brings us up to speed. I've been coming to terms, slowly, with the fact that I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. Sometimes I feel horribly guilty - like I didn't do enough to try and save things, or like I'm making a big deal out of nothing and now I'm throwing my life away.

(I did have a really wonderfully validating one-on-one session with our couples therapist who reassured me that my perception of the situation is accurate and I'm not the one who did this to us.) Sometimes I'm just incredibly heartbroken and lonely. Sometimes I'm angry that he didn't care enough to try and work at it.

But I think it's likely that ultimately, this ending is for the best, as awful as that feels. Again - I really want to thank everyone here who responded to my original post. Some of the advice and comments were really hard to read - but they were really important for me to read. It was so helpful knowing I had a bunch of internet strangers backing me up on some level.

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I think some of my ex's minimizing has caused me to feel really unsure about how I'm perceiving the situation - potentially even gaslighting, though likely unintentional - so having folks who could confirm that what was happening was not okay was vital. I'm lucky to have a good support system locally as well, so as awful as this all is, I might just get through it okay.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Enforcing a boundary against abusive behavior is a bold act of self-preservation, but it often comes with backlash. This woman’s husband’s refusal to respect her “no screaming” boundary, coupled with his manipulative messages and minimization, confirms the emotional abuse she’s endured.

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Dr. Patricia Evans, an expert on verbal abuse, notes, “Minimizing and gaslighting are tactics to maintain control, eroding the victim’s reality” (Patricia Evans). His claim that her boundary is an “over-correction” shifts blame, a hallmark of abusive dynamics. A 2023 report by the National Domestic Violence Hotline shows that 65% of emotional abuse survivors experience gaslighting, complicating their ability to trust their perceptions (The Hotline).

Her situation highlights a broader issue: the emotional toll of leaving an abusive relationship. Her fear of confronting him and guilt over “not doing enough” reflect the internalized shame many survivors face. His rapid shift to moving out early may be a control tactic, as she suspects, to reshape the narrative.

Individual therapy for her and anger management for him are essential. Dr. Evans suggests survivors “document abuse to counter gaslighting,” which could help her stay grounded. She should maintain firm boundaries, limiting contact post-move-out to legal necessities.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit gang brought their A-game, serving up a lively mix of cheers and tough love. It’s like a virtual pep rally for her courage, with a side of shade for her ex. Here’s what they had to say:

Diablo165 − Congrats! It needed to end.

Spoonbills − This all sounds so excruciating. I imagine after he's moved out, you'll feel a tremendous weight has lifted.. I wonder, have you ever seen him treat anyone else the way he treated you?

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[Reddit User] − Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Get a therapist. If you can not afford one look for help at your closest abused women’s shelter. They usually have group sessions. You definitely qualify to be a member.. And CHANGE YOUR LOCKS as soon as he’s out. Then do not meet him alone or in a private place. Always meet in a public setting with a friend nearby.

ezagreb − All that and his reaction just goes to confirm you made the right decision - hard at it may be to stick to your guns.

perhapsnew − Make sure he actually moves out on Sunday. Hire movers if necessary. Make sure you don't remain 'friends' after he is out - this will help you to get back to yourself. After a few months or years when you healed emotionally it would probably be OK, but it should not be a goal and it should not be something you owe him.

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Grem-Zealot − You’ll get through this ok, don’t worry.. And once he’s gone you will feel so much better!

themoderation − This was the most satisfying relationship_advice update ever. So glad this dude is out of your life. NEVER let him back in again.Cut contact to the absolute minimum. He deserves nothing from you.

GoldenRosses − No, don't let him tell you in any why that is your fault. Is not, he's manipulating you and is pretty obvious. Not only is good to end the relationship but also ended completely. He doesn't sound the kind of person that you can have around and feel safe. Stay away from him completely, going back is not an option.

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[Reddit User] − Honey you did more and tried harder than most people do. This isn't on you. Regardless, getting out of this situation is the best thing for you. Hang in there, it gets better.

[Reddit User] − Good for you. Like someone said in your original post 'Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.' Be brave now, you are doing whats right for you.

These Redditors celebrate her strength but urge vigilance, warning against her ex’s manipulation. Some share practical tips, like changing locks, while others validate her pain. But do their passionate takes fully grasp the emotional complexity of her grief? One thing’s clear: her story has the internet rooting for her.

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This woman’s story is a raw reminder that freedom from abuse comes at a cost—but it’s worth it. Her boundary against screaming sparked a painful but necessary separation, revealing the depth of her ex’s toxicity. As she faces guilt, fear, and the chaos of his impending move-out, her resilience shines. Can she embrace the peace that awaits, or will self-doubt linger? Her journey challenges us to reflect on the courage it takes to choose oneself. What would you do to rebuild after such a storm? Drop your thoughts below and join the conversation.

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE 2] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

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