[UPDATE] Just found out my husband (28M) invited another woman over to spend the night while I’m (24F) away on business. How to proceed?

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Imagine a bustling airport, a weary traveler clutching her suitcase, heart heavy with uncertainty. For a 24-year-old woman returning from a business trip, the weight of her husband’s secrecy—inviting a female friend over without a word—lingers like a stubborn fog.

Her confrontation before leaving set the stage for reflection, but now, back home, the couple faces a pivotal moment. Will their planned talk mend the cracks in their trust, or is more space needed? This update, brimming with relatable tension and a sprinkle of hope, pulls us deeper into their journey of honesty and connection.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original post

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‘[UPDATE] Just found out my husband (28M) invited another woman over to spend the night while I’m (24F) away on business. How to proceed?’

Thank you to those who responded in the early hours. It was 1:30am when I posted, and I'd gotten a whopping three hours of sleep. Needless to say, I was not in the best headspace. Someone gave the advice to tell him 'I'm hurt and disappointed, I'm leaving, you need to fix this.'

Someone else said to tell him that it doesn't matter how I found out, what matters is that it happened. Thank you for that, too. Both those comments really stuck with me, and I lay in bed waiting for him to wake up, typing out how I would respond to whatever direction our conversation took.

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\*\*Quick side note: we've been together for 4 years, and other women have been a constant problem in our relationship. He, and many people close to him and me, all say he's not the guy to cheat. He's flirty, but he'd never cheat. He’s a long-term relationship guy, and loyal to the core.

That being said, he's had a history of withholding information from me because he thinks it'll make me mad, and he doesn’t want me to be upset with him. I'm a pretty chill person, and honestly wouldn't have cared if he'd asked this girl over and told me about it. In the past, I haven't handled him lying to me very well, hence wanting to have a plan.

While I was waiting for him to wake up, I did something I’m not very proud of. Where I know he’d lied to me, and I wanted to have proof of the things he told me about her moving forward, especially where I’d be gone, and she was supposed to be spending the night, I set up his iMessages to come to my iPad.

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I know all his passwords, so I deleted the email alerts, and just added his phone number. I’m not proud of it, but I didn’t have cameras at home, and needed to know whether he was telling me the truth while I was gone. He woke up, and I decided to give him one last chance. As I was gathering my things, I asked him what he had planned while I was gone.

He gave a very detailed report of his daily plans, casually leaving out anything about this girl staying the night or going to Colorado with him. I was so livid, because just the night before, we'd gotten into a pretty big fight where he said, 'And you don't trust me! I've done nothing, ***nothing*** to deserve it, but you still treat me like I'm sneaking around.'

That hurt, because we've been going to therapy, and I thought I'd been doing really well at giving him the benefit of the doubt. I used to check his phone (b/c of the earlier problems we'd had) but haven't done that in months. It made me feel crazy and ashamed at the time, and now here I was, standing in our bedroom, watching my husband lie to me through his teeth.

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I said, 'I know you're lying to me. I know you're not going to Colorado alone, and I know you invited a f**king 18 year old to spend the night in my bed.' And then I just waited, the silence heavy. He took a deep breath, and said he had two questions. 1) How did I know? (It doesn't matter. I know.) 2) Did I know during our conversation last night?

\*\*Quick side note: We've been having a lot of problems lately. We both have mental illnesses which are sometimes exacerbated by the other’s (he has ADHD, depression, and PTSD - and I’m starting to wonder maybe bipolar of some sort, and I have PTSD, anxiety, and a number of health issues), and he's not very good at controlling his anger.

Nothing more physical than throwing things or punching walls, but it is absolutely verbal and emotional abuse. I wasn't sure if it was before, but after a recent fight we had in which I asked him to stop screaming at me so I could finish packing, he said, 'You can multitask.' Yeah, I realize he sounds like a s**t person. And when he's in that headspace, he is.

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It's very much a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation, and when he's kind and calm, he's the sweetest, most loving person I've met, and that's who I fell in love with. I care for him, even at the same time as I know that I don't deserve him. So the night before, we had a very heartfelt, emotional talk, in which I told him I wanted him to be happy.

I could tell that he wasn't, and I thought he should go home (several thousand miles away) for a few months to figure himself out. I told him I would be his biggest cheerleader, and that if we ended up staying together or divorcing, I would always love him, and he would always be my family.

We've been through some s**t, both together and separately, and we were both sobbing by the end of it. But here's the kicker: I told him that if he needed another woman to make him happy, I would let him go, and support him as a friend.

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End of side note \*\* As a result, I was probably pretty harsh in my response, and said, 'No, I didn't know during our conversation last night. And now I feel like an i**ot, like my husband has been f**king a teenager and I just gave him my blessing.' He tried to get defensive and said that 'It's not like that.'

I got really quiet, and said, 'You're a very smart man. But if you can't see that girl wants to get in your pants, you're a f**king i**ot. She texts you about her taking bubble baths, and you f**king tell her about all our problems. Her. When you won't even talk about me with most of your friends, you're telling an 18 year old about all of our problems.'

He said he would cancel his plans with her, and I said, 'I'm not making that decision, you are. I honestly don't know how you can fix this. I don't. I don't care if you go with her at this point. But I'm leaving, and I'm hurt and disappointed, and you need to figure out where your priorities are, because right now? Your priority isn't your wife, it's your 18 year old crush.'

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He kept saying he should’ve told me, but that he didn’t want me to make him feel guilty for wanting to hang out with his friend, and that I should’ve known that nothing would happen. I asked him if he loved her, and his gut response was “No, of course not, that’s not at all what I’m looking for” and said that most of the time, he doesn’t even like talking to her every day because she’s so immature.

I told him he was an i**ot if he thought she didn’t have feelings for him. He tried to push back, but I told him “I was 18 once, and I liked someone who was 28. We went on a date, but when he found out I was 18, he told me he couldn’t see me anymore. I said it was fine, and that we could just be friends,

but I still tried my hardest to get him to fall for me.” He was silent after that for a long time. That was it. He drove me to the airport. He cried a lot, and apologized a lot. I felt a lot of nothing. Heartbreak, maybe? But there's been so much turmoil in our relationship that I just didn't care anymore.

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***Confrontation TLDR;*** **I told him I was hurt and angry and leaving, and he needed to figure out how to fix it. He told me that there was no s**ual motivation to them hanging out, and that her spending the night was just so they could get an early start in the morning.

He showed me texts where he said he would sleep on the couch and she could sleep in the bed (which is somehow worse to me, my bed is my space). He was very apologetic, and knew he messed up. He dropped me off at the airport, and things were still very uncertain.**. \*\*.

# The Fallout. We left things the way we'd planned to leave them during the heartfelt conversation the night before. We both planned to take the 5 days I was gone to do some soul-searching and figure out what and where we needed to be happy. Then, when I got home, we'd talk it over, and make a plan.

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Well, when my plane landed at my destination, and I got a text from my husband saying that he would be moved out of our house by the time I got back, and that he's going home to the east coast. He said he was sorry to leave me to manage our upcoming move on my own, and that he knew I would be better off this way.

He said he was taking the car so he could drive back, but that he’d leave me all of the money in our bank accounts, except what he needed for gas. He said he was sorry for keeping the information about his friend from me, but that our conversation last night had meant so much to him and had been such a high point of our relationship, that to wake up and be accused of cheating was a low point that he could not turn back from.

He said he didn’t know how to make me believe that his intentions were nothing other than company on the drive with his friend, but that it didn’t matter and he would leave me alone. I’ve never felt that angry, hurt, or desperate before. I was coordinating the travel of more than a dozen other people, who were on the flight with me, and it felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me.

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I wanted to sob and scream, but I couldn’t, because I was surrounded by people I was supposed to be responsible for. I tried my hardest to gain composure, but a few tears slipped out, and I just focused on my breathing. If I’m being honest, I’m not proud of my response. I basically begged him to stay.

I’d left feeling like if he needed to leave and we didn’t stay together, it would be okay, but knowing that I’d be returning home to an empty house, not getting to say goodbye, and that he was ending things over ***text*** after four years together, was just too much for me. I sounded like a child, I said I needed him, that he was making a stupid mistake, that I deserved more than ending our ***marriage*** over text, all the cliches.

It was bad. But he was determined to leave, and I had to get over a dozen people to our final destination, so I couldn’t keep messaging him. About an hour later, I got a text that he would at least be staying until I got back, because of our dogs. Nobody could watch them, so he’d stay until I was home, and then he’d go.

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We planned on having a phone call that night to talk over the specifics, but it never happened. I was too busy and physically/emotionally exhausted. I know (from his texts coming to my ipad, but also from him telling me) that he canceled with the girl.

I know that he also invited her over (which was partly my doing, w/ the texts I was getting I didn’t want him to be alone, regardless of if he fucked her - then there would be no question) I know that he called his best friend and talked to him about everything for an hour and a half (which was very good, he is a phenomenal human being, and has a great marriage/advice). Husband seemed more calm and level-headed after that call.

He said he would take the rest of the week to think things through, like we planned. We didn’t talk much, he texted me every day, and I sometimes responded. The week went by quickly, and I realized I didn’t want to go home. I’m not sure if that’s because of all the drama and chaos that was waiting there, or if its because I no longer want to be married to my husband.

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I don’t know a lot of things anymore, and I’m trying to take each day one at a time. I had a small panic attack as he was about to pick me up. I’ve had worse, but I sat outside at passenger pickup, trying to breathe oxygen that wasn’t there, and wipe tears from my eyes.

Maybe it was the anticipation of not knowing what would happen or where we’d stand, I don’t know. But when he hugged me, he got all emotional that I was home, and I just… felt so far away. You know how when you hug someone intimately, it feels like your souls are hugging? It felt nothing like that, which was new. It felt like hugging a stranger.

So yeah, now I’m home. My flight was delayed, so we both just crashed into bed as soon as we got back. I was asleep when he left for work, so we haven’t talked about anything, but I’m expecting we will tonight, and I’ll post an update then. I know you may be looking for more resolution, and I wish I had it.

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I don’t even know what I want to do yet. Part of me is ready to leave, to be done, to move on with my life. I’d want to take a good chunk of time and work on myself, but then I’d want to find someone who is transparent with me, and who understands and accepts the many parts of me that may be inconvenient, but are still me.

Part of me wants to give him one more chance. One more opportunity to get his anger under control, communicate well, and make things work. To you, reading this, it may seem black and white. But to me, living it, it’s anything but. I’ve spent nearly every day with this man for 4 years. We’ve lived together for two and a half. We have two dogs, a house, a life.

It’s hard to just throw that all away, even if it’s what ends up being best for both of us. But that’s not a decision I’m willing to make lightly or on a whim. Since I left, he’s been much better about following a routine, and he hasn’t texted the girl at all. He did say that she IM’d him at work, and that they talked there for a bit.

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I appreciated the honesty, but not knowing what they talked about has me nervous. If we do stay together, there’s a lot of work that will need to be done. I told him he can kiss me on the cheek, but for right now, I can’t be vulnerable or open with him, or trust him at all (because of the anger stuff and things he said to me during that fight). It’ll take a lot of time and patience, and I don’t know if he’s willing to give it.

\*\*If you want me to read and consider your comment, please don’t throw him under the bus. He is absolutely in the wrong in this situation, but he’s also been through a lot and I understand his behavior, even if I don’t excuse it. He is ***not*** a piece of s**t, even if he may be ***acting*** like one.

***Fallout TLDR;*** **Husband tried to end our marriage over text because me confronting him about his plans with the girl was too much for him to handle. He had a bit of a mental breakdown, and I told him to call her  or anyone so he wouldn’t be alone. He did, and she stayed for an hour and a half before he asked her to go home so he could call his best friend. He picked me up at the airport, but since my flight was delayed, we haven’t talked or made plans yet.**

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***Post TLDR;*** **confronted husband before I left. He didn’t deny the plans, but denied that there was anything s**ual motivating them. He canceled the plans with the girl, but then tried to end our marriage through text. There’s a lot of backstory, our marriage has been pretty rocky lately, and he’s got some anger issues he needs to work through.

He got some help from his best friend (who lives in his hometown on the east coast), and seemed much more stable. We haven’t talked much while I’ve been gone, and I don’t know where things stand yet. He did say he doesn’t even like talking to her some days, because she’s so immature. Not sure if I believe him, but he seemed sincere. We’re going to talk through everything when he gets home from work tonight, and I’ll update then.**

Edit: Forgot to add that while I was gone, I saw messages from them on my iPad in which she admitted that “Yesterday when you asked me about your hair I got nervous because I’d rather avoid the confrontation of this conversation. But I just have thought about certain things that completely cross the line of being friends and I didn’t want to put myself in a situation that I might not get out of, if that makes sense.

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Idk if that does. I just didn’t want to get myself in a tempting situation so I needed to put up a wall. I’m going to go do some climbing.” He responded “that makes complete sense. I really understand. I knew I shouldn’t ask, that had always just been a very comforting action for me, and I was giving into my sadness.

But I admire you for doing what was best for you. I really hope you have a fun time today.” When I got back and asked what he did while I was gone, I said “I really appreciate how you’ve been so open about things with her, even when they’ve been uncomfortable. It makes me feel like maybe I can start to trust you again.”

And then he told me all of that on his own. Basically, he loves getting his head scratched when he’s stressed or upset, and asked her to do that, and this conversation ensued. He didn’t know that I knew about it, so it was nice that he showed some f**king transparency for once.

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*Update:* Okay, I’ve heard everyone loud and clear. I just spent 6 hours in bed reading responses and bawling my eyes out. You’re right. Every single one of you. He doesn’t want a strong, independent woman, and that’s what I need to be.

I just got off the phone with my mom (who is an incredibly religious person, and I assumed would be unsupportive of a divorce) but she said almost verbatim, some of the same things you guys said. We made an exit plan, both for worst case and best case scenario, and I’ll be talking to him tonight when he gets home.

In the meantime, I’m going to go get coffee with my friend and try to calm down a bit. I’ve been putting myself second for so long that I deserve a bit of self-care. **Before you freak out, I never unpacked last night. If I need to leave tonight, I have 9 people who have volunteered to be “on call” to help me move or be emotional support or whatever I need, and all of my valuables are already packed.

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This couple’s latest chapter is a masterclass in how small secrets can snowball into big trust issues. The wife’s confrontation, though tense, opened a door to honesty, with her husband canceling his plans and showing flickers of transparency. Yet, his impulsive text about moving out hints at a deeper struggle to communicate under pressure.

The wife’s hurt is rooted in a pattern of omissions, while her husband likely sees his actions as harmless. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Trust grows when partners share vulnerabilities openly, even in conflict” (Emotionally Focused Therapy). His recent openness, like sharing his friend’s message, is a step toward this.

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Broadening the lens, communication breakdowns are common in marriages. A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that consistent, honest disclosures strengthen relational trust (JFP). The husband’s history of secrecy amplifies the wife’s caution, but his efforts post-confrontation suggest potential for growth.

For advice, they should prioritize their planned talk, using “I feel” statements to avoid blame. Set boundaries, like notifying each other about friend meetups. A brief separation, as considered, could offer clarity, but only if paired with ongoing communication. This balance can rebuild their bond while honoring their shared life.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s back with a chorus of cheers and cheeky nudges, dishing out advice that’s as candid as it is colorful. Here’s what the community had to say about this trust-testing twist:

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CuckyMcCuckerCuck − He is not a piece of s**t, even if he may be acting like one.. I'm not a murderer, I just act like one by murdering people.

GoddessAvery97 − I was with someone for YEARS that did these things. He’d have private conversations with women and hide them. He’d protect his phone & get upset when I would even glance towards it. He was texting other girls, and when I confronted him, he projected his guilt onto me about his “intentions”, the same way your husband has.

It went from texting a girl, to texting her very often. When texts weren’t enough, they hung out. Eventually feelings built up, and hanging out wasn’t enough. They were sexting. “What if’s” “should this be happening” , and before you know it, the physical affair happened. He is hiding things from you, and projecting to make you feel like it’s your own jealously and insecurity that’s causing problems.

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(Manipulation & gaslighting!!!!) To find out your husband is inviting an 18 year old who he has lied about before, over while you’re gone on a trip, and thinking he is cheating.... is a normal reaction. For him to lie about it, continuously, even when you’ve given him several chances to come clean, proves your intuition. One more thing. If he’s truly annoyed by her immaturity, why invite her on a long drive across state lines?

To invite her into your bed as well to stay the night? He’s lying about that as well. I hope you leave him OP. I know it’s hard, and there’s history, but with everything else.. it’s not worth it for your own well being. Edit: to everyone sharing their stories... I’m glad we found someone better. And if you haven’t yet, you will. healing takes time.

[Reddit User] − 'Nothing more physical than throwing things or punching walls.'. Oh. My. God.. That ALONE is reason enough to leave. Holy s**t.. He's doing you a MASSIVE favor by leaving. Let him.

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YouShotMelanieYUP − He tried to play victim even after he was caught red handed?!? Moved out and tried to give you a guilt trip? What a HUGE a-hole

[Reddit User] − I’m wishing you all the best.. I’m also encouraging you to leave him. You may not say you’re husband’s a piece of s**t — he may be a great guy dealing with trauma. But at this point, we’ve got a guy with an inappropriate relationship who’s also, relatively clearly, using manipulative tactics.

At least that’s how I read him texting you as soon as you leave that he’s moving back. It feels like a manipulation tactic to pull you in. To make you feel bad. He was willing to give up everything, even the money in his back account. Then he was staying at least until you got back. Now he’s still here.

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Redd_81 − I asked him if he loved her, and he said that most of the time, he doesn’t even like talking to her every day because she’s so immature. So if it is not for the conversation, what other reason would a 28 year old man have for spending so much time with an 18 year old girl.... hmm I wonder.... Also note he didn't say, 'NO, I don't love her.' He said 'I don't like talking to her because she is immature.'

idxearo − 'I can't believe you accused me of cheating. Yes I was going to stay with an 18 year old all alone and watch her take bubble bath while we talk about politics but it's not cheating!' He was never going to leave the house, he wanted you to beg him to stay. Why? For the same reason why he hid this from you. He takes you for granted.

We are all (mostly) good people. But being 'good' isn't enough for a relationship to work, else we'd all be married. He is a good guy like you said, but he's bad for you. He has unresolved issues and is in no position to be with someone else. Even if you gave him a chance, you'd be looking behind your back at every turn.

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I personally don't believe that one should live like this. The hardest part is knowing someone for so long, and when something like this happens, it's like your heart doesn't know them at all. It's hard to think of life without that person non the less when you've shared half a decade with them.

You tried and you gave him a lot of chances. You can give him another chance if you want though I don't think it will mean anything (just my opinion). Giving a chance shouldn't be the trigger for him to seek betterment in his life. He can work on himself without being with you.

So maybe it would be best to separate for a while. Maybe you don't have much friends or ones you can trust in this, but they wouldn't want to see you getting dumpster-ed on like this over and over. The hurt you feel from giving the marriage space will save you dividends in the long run. You really deserve a lot more than what you are getting and it kinda hurts having to see someone having to go through this crap.

Finally, I could give your husband the benefit of the doubt. The problem is that he hasn't really done anything redeeming to earn another chance from you. He's literally still talking to the girl. What's the point of being honest to your partner if you aren't honest to the marriage?

notsureifthisisshady − I don’t know how to proceed except leaving him. I could never trust anyone who flat out lied to me like that over and over.

[Reddit User] − You sound really level headed, so I trust that you can and will come to the conclusion that your husband is not the man you are trying to convince yourself that he is. You need to stop resting behind fog, and realize some things. 1- Your almost 30 year old husband is hanging out and getting high with a teenage girl. He offered to let her sleep over, talks to her inappropriately.

The fact that he even thinks this is normal behavior is delusional and beyond creepy, regardless of intention. I usually wouldn’t say this because I fear that my age will deter people from taking my advice, but I feel like it will help you understand the gravity of what I am saying: I recently turned 18 myself and cannot fathom having this kind of a relationship with a 30 year old man.

I think that your husband is a creep,. If that 18 year old girl was one of my peers, no one around me in their right mind would assume that their relationship was innocent. Why else wouldn’t they have friends their own age? Despite me being 18 myself, I can vouch for the fact that at this age, I am still immature.

I know I have a lot to learn, still. Having said that, your husband being able to be friends with someone her age points to either an intimate relationship, or a lack of maturity on your husband’s behalf. It appears so predatory. Wether it is or not, does matter.

It’s inappropriate and gross. One of my male friends, who is 17, has been involved with a 21 year old. Their age gap isn’t terribly large, but you should hear the n**ty things people say about her. I can’t imagine the things that would be said about your husband.

2- With that said, and in addition to his history with lying, you cannot ensure that their relationship is platonic. He has given you no reason to trust him. From your first post you made it evident that this is not the first time he has hid something from you or lied. If he can lie about platonic friendships, imagine how easy it would be for him to lie about something that entailed a greater consequence.

3- He hid it from you, meaning he was consciously aware that what he was doing was wrong and you wouldn’t approve of it. Why else lie? His judgement is poor, and he didn’t prioritize you, rather himself and a teenager. You provided him with multiple opportunities to be candor with you, and he chose to create an elaborate side story. That’s not some small lie, that’s what pathological liars do.

4- His threat to leave was manipulative, and it worked. I agree with the previous commenter who said that he was so very prepared to leave, even willing to give up his entire savings, but when you begged, he stayed. Used the dogs as an excuse. He knew you would beg for him. He used that against you.

You seem so intelligent and strong. I know that I have no experience with what time and history can do to your emotions and judgment, but I can only imagine how horribly they are clouded. You’re still young, you have so much time to find someone who will be good to you and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Allow someone to find you who won’t breach your trust, who will be upfront with you. You deserve a relationship that shouldn’t make you have to download their messages to know what they’re doing. Best of wishes to you; may you find happiness.

rainfal − that to wake up and be accused of cheating was a low point that he could not turn back from.. Gotta love his gaslighting here.

These Redditors are rooting for clarity, but do their pushes for patience or boundaries miss the mark, or are they the nudge this couple needs?

This update is a reminder that even the stickiest relationship moments can spark growth when honesty takes center stage. Whether you’re Team Talk-It-Out or Team Take-a-Break, this couple’s story resonates with anyone who’s navigated trust hiccups. Have you ever faced a partner’s secret that tested your bond? Share your tales or tips below—what’s the key to rebuilding trust in your book?

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