“I’m your wife not your mom”. Update after I 34M and my wife 32F had a LONG talk.

In a cozy living room, with kids tucked away at their grandparents’, a couple sat down to untangle 18 years of love, frustration, and unspoken burdens. He, a 34-year-old breadwinner, felt stretched thin by work and parenting; she, a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom, wrestled with the invisible weight of managing a household. Their marriage had hit a rough patch, marked by her sharp refrain: “I’m your wife, not your mom.” But one long, tear-filled talk changed everything.

This update isn’t just about a couple patching things up; it’s a raw, hopeful glimpse into how communication can mend cracks in a partnership. From Reddit’s cheers to their practical new plan, their story shows that even messy marriages can find a fresh start with honesty and teamwork.

For those who want to read the previous part: “I’m your wife not your mom.” My wife F32 always says this to me 34M and I don’t know how to respond. How can I make her see my side?

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‘”I’m your wife not your mom”. Update after I 34M and my wife 32F had a LONG talk.’

So, I arranged for the in-laws to have the kids Friday night. Me and the wife sat down and had a talk. A LONG talk, probably one of the deepest and hardest talks we have ever had in our 18 years. I told her my side, that I felt o**rwhelmed and underappreciated. That I felt I was doing more than my fair share and that she wasn't.

I told her that I could understand that while I may be doing plenty around the house and parenting, that I was guilty of letting her take the majority of the mental load but that still didn't excuse her behaviour.. I felt I was firm but fair and to her credit instead of fighting back she listened.

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We discussed her feelings and she admits to not prioritising housework and trying to make the most of her 'free time' and agreed that we will sit down and come up with a schedule for cleaning that we are both accountable for.

She told me some issues that I wasn't aware of that her mother had been dealing with since retiring and the passing of her father (wife's grandad). loneliness & depression, issues relating to my SIL ( she's a mess and constant headache). which was why she had been going to see her so much.

Other feelings she had been having about feeling lost in kids, not having anything for herself and some depression related to weight gain since having our second child. She has put on 40-50lbs and no longer feels attractive. I told her that I still think she's beautiful but she doesn't. Hence our DB..

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There were hurt feelings and tears from both of us.. So we are taking steps to help. 1. We have both agreed to switch out mornings and evenings. I get the kids up, breakfasts, teeth, dressed and take them to school. She does Dinner, bath, bed etc. the next day we switch. this gives us both some mornings/evenings free to do what we want.

2. We are both joining the gym, I too have put on some weight and lost muscle since our second child. hopefully this helps with her body confidence. 3. We are also arranging with the In-laws to have babysitters once a week for us to start going on regular dates again.

( for context the in-laws are our only support, I'm an orphan of abusive parents, raised by my grandmother, now passed.) 4. We have found a cleaning schedule, where you do certain chores throughout the house everyday but pick one room to 'deep clean' everyday too.

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With me doing laundry, dishwasher etc things that take less time. Her doing the deep cleans and general tidying. 5. Most importantly she is looking to get a job part-time so she can start helping financially, give her some income that isn't from me and give her something to focus on outside of being a mom.

As all my wages went into the joint account, I felt like I never had any money as I didn't want to spend and there not be enough to pay the mortgage etc. So I never spent money and resented that she did. So when she gets a job both incomes are going into the joint account, then we are getting a budget together.

Making sure there is enough to cover direct debits, then dividing the remaining into accounts for savings and personal accounts for each of us to have our own money that we can spend how we want guilt free. 6. I'm going to pick up a hobby that gets me out of the house and commute to the office once a week.

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One thing we discussed was that I was always at home. I didn't do anything other than work and be at home. So we didn't have a lot to talk about, because I didn't go anywhere. It also meant that she never got any alone time at home away from me and the kids and she felt like a nuisance being at home while I'm at work.

We took this weekend to spend some time together as a family, took the kids to the park, went to a nature reserve for a picnic and bike rides. Took the kids rock climbing followed by ice-cream. It was really nice and we both feel like a weight has been lifted. it's obviously not going to change overnight and we need to work at it.

but we have a plan and both seem to want to put in the effort. To everyone who gave me good advice, recommended therapy (we can't afford it until she starts work but we are looking for when she does.) commiserated with your own stories or just had a kind word to say.

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Thank You So Much, there were comments that made me cry and so much insight that I hadn't considered. Thank you. To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word 'help'. Or that I probably didn't know my own children's birthdays and allergies. I feel sorry for you and hope that you get the 'help' you so sorely need.

A marriage stretched by unspoken frustrations can feel like a house cluttered with unresolved chores, but this couple’s honest talk swept away the dust. He felt overburdened, juggling full-time work and parenting, while she, drowning in the mental load of household management, sought personal space. Their clash—his resentment over a messy home, her plea for appreciation—mirrored a classic marital divide. Yet, their willingness to listen and adapt turned tension into teamwork.

This scenario reflects a broader issue: the unequal distribution of domestic labor. A 2021 Pew Research study found 59% of women in dual-role households feel they do more than their partners, often leading to resentment. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Successful couples negotiate daily tasks as a team, fostering mutual respect”. Their new plan—shared chores, alternating parenting duties, and date nights—aligns with this, redistributing the load fairly.

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Her struggles with body image and family pressures highlight another layer: mental health’s impact on partnerships. Experts suggest addressing such challenges through joint activities, like their gym plan, which can boost confidence and connection. Her pursuit of part-time work also promises financial and personal empowerment, easing his burden and her sense of isolation.

Their steps forward—budgeting, hobbies, and weekly check-ins—show commitment to growth. For others in similar ruts, experts recommend open dialogue and small, consistent changes, like those outlined at The Gottman Institute. This couple’s journey proves that empathy and action can rebuild a partnership, one chore at a time.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s response was a lively mix of applause and advice, like friends toasting a hard-won victory. The community praised the couple’s mature communication, with many highlighting the power of their honest talk.

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Suggestions for weekly check-ins and joint budgeting sparked further support, though some users’ harsh assumptions about the husband’s role drew his witty clapback. Overall, Reddit saw their plan as a hopeful step toward a stronger marriage.

dhoust1356 − I also recommend weekly check-ins. We had some tense moments when our son was young. Checking in kind of gives you a reason to chat about the week. How did everything go, how are you both emotionally, what are some personal goals and family goals. Good on you for sitting down and working through.

dssstrkl − I’m glad you both were able to have an adult conversation and come to what seems like a mutually agreeable path forward. A lot of the comments on your first post were SERIOUSLY unhinged.

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alis_volat_propriis − Communication wins the day!!! Way to have a mature, honest, open conversation about everything and I hope things work out for your family!

FoxPawsFauxPas − I love this for you. I've seen so many posts like yours that ended badly. Glad this seems to have a better ending

YellowLantana − Good for you! You are communicating and have some defined steps to rebuild you marriage. The one thing comment I have is that you need to sit down and make a joint budget *now*.

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Your budget should both be looking at what expenditures are coming up and allocate money accordingly. When she's working and you have more money, you can use the experience to do better with more.

Radiant-Rise-7777 − I’m so happy things worked out and that it was honest and open. Y’all are doing just fine. Sometimes y’all just gotta check in with each other once a month and see where y’all can grow together. Good luck with the future growth!

TParis00ap − Ignore the haters, this subreddit can be so toxic sometimes. 

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frolicndetour − More proof that 90 percent of problems on this sub can be resolved through communication. Glad you were able to reach a consensus.

[Reddit User] − To those of you who clearly didn't read my post but instead assumed I was entitled and entirely to blame because I used the word 'help'. Or that I probably didn't know my own children's birthdays and allergies. I feel sorry for you and hope that you get the 'help' you so sorely need.. Beautiful

maroongrad − Glad to hear that it all went well, but...what the heck is DB. Deep Blue? Divorce Bread? Dark Brownies?

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This couple’s story is a beacon for anyone stuck in the grind of marital misunderstandings. Their raw, tearful talk and practical plan—shared chores, gym time, date nights—show that love can thrive when both partners roll up their sleeves.

Reddit’s cheers echo the hope that small steps can lead to big change. Have you faced a similar rough patch in your relationship? Share your experiences or tips in the comments—let’s keep the conversation going.

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