[UPDATE] I’m feeling a lot of anger about this child [M5] of my [M39] wife’s [F39] affair that I’ve been talked into being a father figure for.

In a suburban home where tension lingers like an uninvited guest, a 39-year-old father stands at a crossroads. His life, once upended by his ex-wife’s affair, has taken another sharp turn. Max, the 5-year-old son of that betrayal, is no longer part of his weekly custody routine—a decision that sparked a firestorm. The air feels heavy with unresolved pain, yet there’s a flicker of relief in reclaiming his emotional space.

For those who want to read the previous part: Im feeling a lot of anger about this child [M5] of my [M39] wife’s [F39] affair that I’ve been talked into being a father figure for.

This update, shared on Reddit, pulls us back into a saga of family, forgiveness, and the messy aftermath of infidelity. Readers are left wondering: can he mend the fractures in his relationships while staying true to himself? His raw honesty and the explosive fallout invite us to dive deeper into a story that’s as human as it gets.

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‘[UPDATE] I’m feeling a lot of anger about this child [M5] of my [M39] wife’s [F39] affair that I’ve been talked into being a father figure for.’

Hey everyone it's been a few weeks since you heard from me. I guess I'm kind of in a spot to update now. So, my post got a lot of feedback and it was *pretty much* unanimous. I heard from lots of people;

parents and sons and daughters in blended families, people who'd been cheated on themselves, people who were Max in their own families and you all told me what I should have been able to admit myself, that this was not normal, that no one had ever heard of an arrangement like this.

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I resolved to end the arrangement and met with my ex wife and her partner to tell them a few days after I posted, midway through their custody week. Many people advised me to speak to my boys about it first, like my ex did to me, but I wanted to deliver the message before having to take Max again.

I was thinking that it might be better to instead call them out on that behaviour and try to get them to agree not to include the boys in that level of discussion before me, and then we could all sit down with the boys. The meeting did not go well. They were both pretty mad at me. I had tried to prepare for it to be uncomfortable.

I told myself just to be polite and firm, that I didn't owe them an explanations beyond 'I'm sorry, its not working out'. I guess he had made some career move based on this schedule that I was f**king up. In hindsight I do feel sort of responsible for that frustration, in that I regret agreeing to this arrangement in the first place, but in the moment I really was not giving a f**k about this man's work life balance.

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Then, he said something about how I wasn't being 'fair', that they just wanted a 'fair' custody arrangement. That made me very mad. Thinking about this all to type it out has my heart hammering. I have some different opinions on 'fairness'.

I said some pretty s**tty, regrettable things to both of them and then we were all screaming at each other for awhile and then I stormed out and I didn't talk to the boys. I didn't get to talk to my boys for several days until hand off.

They immediately were asking about why Max wasn't with them and I, prepared for it, held a more serious talk with them than I had up to this point. I talked about how its great that they enjoy spending time with Max, but that I'm their father and that Max has his own father to spend time with.

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I also talked about how this whole spectacle of our lives is difficult for me, that I don't like having to spend only every other week with them. That their mother's decision to start another family with Max's father and Max still makes me sad. This is pretty awfully difficult stuff to talk about.

I've been pretty strict with myself about not venting to my son's about their mother up until now, but effectively that's meant I haven't really talked about her or our breakup at all. If you can't say anything nice, as they say.

Trying to maintain that respect for their mother and also talk frankly about my own feelings is a difficult tightrope balance. I don't want to blame their mother, but I also don't want to *not* blame their mother, if you know what I mean.

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This would be one of the situations I identify as 'unfair', where the responsible thing is to never say anything disparaging or 'poisonous' to my sons about their mother, my ex, but that means I have to describe the current state of affairs and what has happened to get here in a way that isn't disparaging to their mother and act like this is normal. 'She decided'.

I think I actually did a good job navigating the conversation. My sons absorbed it easier than I expected. A few weeks later and things with them are basically normal. I have had a few short conversations with my ex since our big embarrassing blowup.

I sort of feel like I want her to apologize for this whole thing, but also know that I'm not doing myself any favours waiting for that to happen. I think she remains upset with me, more for the things I said than the r**ection of this arrangement with Max.

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Or maybe that's just projection, because that's what I feel guilty for. I also regret that the last time I spoke to Max was dropping him off before ending the arrangement. I don't know. I guess his mom has explained to him that she missed him too much, to have him gone each week, but I don't know how sturdy that story will be.

Rereading my last post has me feeling pretty shameful of how I talked about Max. I know he doesn't deserve my sustained ire and that he's not going anywhere, so I'll have to be able to adjust to his presence.

I'm obviously holding on to a lot of anger that is really about my ex wife but she isn't obligated to give a s**t about that and I am obligated to interact with her politely so I guess that anger just got set aside and then vented onto Max just because he was there in my face, but that was my own fault.

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So, I sort of expect things will pretty much return to normal from here. Contact with my ex is curt right now, but that'll loosen up.. Thanks to almost everyone who commented or reached out to me.

Ending an arrangement to parent a child tied to past trauma is a gut-wrenching but sometimes necessary choice. This father’s decision to step back from Max reflects a commitment to his mental health and his sons’ well-being, even if it meant a messy confrontation.

Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, writes, “Unprocessed resentment can poison relationships, but setting boundaries is a step toward healing” (Psychology Today). The father’s anger, rooted in his ex-wife’s betrayal, was unfairly directed at Max. By ending the arrangement, he protects both himself and Max from a toxic dynamic, though his outburst risks straining co-parenting ties.

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Blended families face unique challenges. A 2022 report by the American Psychological Association notes that 60% of remarried couples struggle with stepchild dynamics (APA). The father’s ex-wife’s tactic of involving the children first manipulated his goodwill, a common power play in high-conflict co-parenting. His regret over harsh words shows self-awareness, but unresolved pain lingers.

Therapy could help him process this trauma, as Dr. Heitler suggests, by “reframing anger as a signal for unmet needs.” He should also establish clear communication rules with his ex-wife, limiting discussions to logistics. By focusing on his sons and modeling healthy boundaries, he can foster stability.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit crowd came out swinging, dishing out a fiery blend of support and shade. It’s like a virtual bonfire where everyone’s roasting the ex-wife’s audacity. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

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Zykium − Seems like they wanted to live the single and free life ever other week.

bgk67 − They want to talk about fairness??? Holy F**k. Your ex wife is totally without feeling. How could she ask that of you, unless she was heartless. Holy F**k.

drobthrowaway − Your wife legit seems like the spawn of Satan. Has a great family, f**k/gets pregnant by another guy, gets divorced, married AP, asks ex husband to raise her kid even though he is single and has his own kids, gets mad when ex says no.

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I 100 percent believe this happened to you, but never in my life did I ever f**king this something like this would happen. Just coparent and keep your contact with your ex to a minimum. There’s no need to talk to the AP as well. Who gives a damn what his work schedule is like. He shouldn’t have fucked your wife in the first place.

And f**k them for saying it’s unfair, life’s f**king unfair. It’s unfair for you to have to divorce your wife and then she asks you to raise her kid. Like what has her family been doing through all of this? Did she burn bridges with her family when she had the affair and then married her affair partner?

[Reddit User] − I think you did the right thing. Max doesn’t deserve to be treated as nothing more than a tolerable human, and you’re also not responsible for taking care of a child that has no legitimate relation to you. I highly suggest therapy for you. Infidelity is a very traumatic thing, and I think you owe it to yourself to seek an expert to guide through such a difficult situation. Best of luck!

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[Reddit User] − I think she remains upset with me, more for the things I said than the r**ection of this arrangement with Max. Why do you care if she's upset with you? Why do you feel guilty for standing up for yourself? Why do you care about the freakin' job schedule of the man your wife left you for?

vodka_philosophy − You really handled that well, and even looking back at what you said about Max isn't surprising. Intellectually you knew he wasn't to blame for any of it, and it seems like you never gave *him* any sign of your feelings, so all told not bad.

I cannot believe the nerve of your ex, though! What kind of a**hole decides to give themselves essentially half a year off of parenting duties by asking their ex, who they treated like s**t and cheated on, to take on the child of their affair for 26 weeks a year?

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And to get your own kids excited about it to sway you before ambushing you with the request? There are a lot of things I'd like to say about her, and none of it is nice. I highly recommend you get therapy if you aren't already. It seems like you (unsurprisingly, anyone would) haven't really processed the pain yet and talking it out with someone can really help.

Port-au-prince − I don't think it was ever about what's 'in the best interest of the boys', but more about them being childfree and able to honeymoon every two weeks.

willfully_hopeful − The ex-wife and new husband are the most selfish people I have ever read about. How could anyone even thing to ask something like this let alone be mad at you. Wow. You deserve way better. You will realize soon that the end of that marriage was a blessing.

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KillustratedPixie − You, my friend, practice some serious self awareness and emotional intelligence. Big ups for that. It’s understandable to feel guilt in this situation, decent people with empathy often feel guilt or sadness about situations that aren’t their fault because they can understand from another’s point of view.

Which can be great in reciprocating relationships. This. Is not one of those. Your ex is a manipulative wondertwat who has managed to capitalize upon your decent nature for far too long. Waiting for her to do the decent thing out of realization for your decency is a waste of time. She legit could give a f**k about you, or your experience. You’re gonna have to stand up for it. I’m glad you did.

[Reddit User] − Hey op I would suggest therapy? I think you handled it all well tho tbh

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These Redditors cheer the father’s stand but question his ex-wife’s motives, with some suspecting a ploy for child-free time. Their outrage is palpable, but does it oversimplify the messy reality of co-parenting? One thing’s certain: this update has the internet buzzing.

This father’s story is a stark reminder that healing from betrayal is a marathon, not a sprint. By choosing himself over an unsustainable role, he’s carving a path toward peace, even if it’s paved with regret and tough talks. Can he rebuild a civil co-parenting dynamic, or will anger keep simmering? His journey challenges us to weigh duty against self-preservation. What would you do in his place? Drop your thoughts below and keep the conversation going.

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