[UPDATE] I’m [29F] divorcing my husband [28M] for suggesting an open marriage… complicated feelings

Imagine a heart caught in a tug-of-war, torn between love’s lingering warmth and the sting of betrayal. For one woman, the final straw came when her husband of seven years proposed an open marriage, shattering their shared history with a single conversation. What began as a union forged in sacrifice—raising his young sister together—ended in a divorce that left her grappling with relief and grief.

Now, in a new home with her two loyal cats, she’s closing the door on a painful chapter. Her ex’s erratic behavior—veering from cruel outbursts to desperate pleas—only cemented her resolve to go no-contact. As she unpacks boxes and her emotions, her story of resilience invites us to reflect: how do you rebuild when love leaves you bruised but still beating?

For those who want to read the previous part: I’m [29F] divorcing my husband [28M] for suggesting an open marriage… complicated feelings

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‘[UPDATE] I’m [29F] divorcing my husband [28M] for suggesting an open marriage… complicated feelings’

Hello, all. I wanted to say thank you all for the support. As for the update, where do I even start? It has been over the required 90 days since initially filing for divorce before it can be deemed official. I am going to the courthouse tomorrow to file the remaining paperwork. We had an easy, uncontested divorce.

We agreed on how to split things with pretty much everything, and he didn't even give me a hard time about taking our 2 cats that are quite attached to me (he was always the spare human). I bought a small home for myself and said 2 cats and moved a few days ago. I won't lie, this whole process was very tough for me emotionally.

It was especially hard considering he was constantly hot and then cold. He would jump from name calling and trying to control who came over to our house to finding reasons to call me on the phone all day and joking around with me like nothing was wrong. I feel like I have emotional whiplash from the last 3 months of living with him while looking for a new place to live.

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At one point, he came home to see me eating a meal I just cooked during a break from packing. It was pretty disorganized, but I was in the middle of doing multiple things at the same time. He saw the mess and started yelling at me for it and throwing my things around the kitchen.

Another day, he texted me asking me why I wasn't interested in where he had been spending his days off and later sheepishly asking if he would drop the open marriage demand, would I ever consider trying again. Of course, I told him we were way past that, considering the multiple times he promised he would cheat on me if we didn't open the marriage.

Also I did get STD tested and came back clean as a whistle. I don't think he was already cheating. But he is damned embarrassed about this whole thing. He wants me to tell people he cheated on me when they ask why we are getting divorced instead of telling the truth of the matter. I'm still not sure what the correct course of action is for that.

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He was made aware in advance that after I moved and the divorce was finalized, I would be going no contact. I did all the leg work to make this happen, including getting all divorce paperwork and 2023 taxes filed, separating all bills and bank accounts, hiding the address to my new home, blocked him on all social media and I will even be changing my phone number once everything is finalized.

He feels that me going no contact is 'vindictive.' No matter what he has said and done to hurt me, I still have a lot of love for this man. He doesn't deserve it, I know. But that is exactly why I need to go no contact. It's for my own peace and to maintain some semblance of self respect. I can't tell him that because I don't want to give him (or myself tbh) any false hope that we could work things out.

I have no plans to be with anyone else in the near or distant future. I just want to work on building my confidence and get in a healthier mindset. I haven't gotten to counseling yet like many have suggested. I was in survival mode for the last 3 months so I could get out of that hellish situation. Now that I'm in my new house and getting unpacked, I'm sure I will be able to relax enough to start feeling better soon.

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And if I don't, I have every intention of seeking professional help. I have a huge support network between friends and family. Our shared friends were all on my side as well. Not that there is a true right or wrong in a situation like this, but one of his best friends telling him this was the biggest mistake of his life was incredibly validating.

The only thing I regret from my relationship with him is staying as long as I did despite all the red flags I ignored throughout the years. I went into detail on some of them in the comments of the original post. All I know is that I'm feeling a mix of relief and grief. I just need some time to allow myself to heal.

Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine. I tried explaining to him that I learned (from some of you guys) that what he suggested was NOT an open marriage, but is was parallel polyamory and it was the most difficult form of polyamory to achieve.

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He didn't care and was only focused on convincing me to work it out with him. For me, there is nothing to work out. He wants to be with someone else and to fall in love again. So I am giving him the freedom to do that but gracefully stepping back. As many have said, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. There isn't much more to say on the matter. I said I was leaving, and I did it. Here's to hoping 2024 is my year!

Finalizing a divorce over a partner’s push for polyamory is like escaping a storm only to face the wreckage left behind. For this woman, her husband’s proposal wasn’t just a mismatch—it was a betrayal of their monogamous bond. His hot-and-cold behavior, from kitchen tantrums to begging for reconciliation, reflects a deeper struggle with emotional regulation, leaving her with “emotional whiplash.”

This situation taps into a broader issue: the complexities of navigating non-monogamy. A 2023 study from the Journal of Sex Research found that successful polyamory hinges on mutual consent and communication, with 70% of non-monogamous relationships failing without it (source). Her husband’s unilateral demands ignored this, fracturing trust.

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Dr. Tammy Nelson, a relationship therapist, emphasizes, “Non-monogamy requires both partners to be all-in, with clear boundaries and honesty” (source). Here, his threats of cheating and refusal to respect her boundaries signaled a relationship beyond repair. Her choice to go no-contact is a healthy step to protect her peace.

Moving forward, therapy could help her process grief and rebuild confidence, as could leaning on her supportive network.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out support and sharp-witted takes that could light up a campfire. Here’s what the community had to say:

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Wide-Palpitation-754 − I am so proud of you darling!. The journey will be long but I think you will be alright. Props on you for going no contact. For me it was the best. I was able to heal and lose enough feeling to be able to grieve my love for the man.. Cheer on your freedom.!

epanek − Open marriages need to be from the start. If either partner suggests an open marriage I guarantee the requester has a person in mind. It’s like they just want to cheat.

SymblePharon − Hey, congratulations on following through so beautifully. You made the right calls every step of the way, especially with no contact. Enjoy your new place and taking all the time you need to heal. You're going to be so much happier!

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bopperbopper − He hasn’t learned… by suggesting an open marriage, he wanted you to meet some of his emotional needs while getting others like s** met by someone else. Now he’s basically suggesting the same thing… How he’ll allow you to still meet his need for conversation but you are right in saying you get all or nothing from me.

huntybum − Link to the original post below. 

New_Arrival9860 − He wants me to tell people he cheated on me when they ask why we are getting divorced. Maybe that is the truth of the matter

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hinky-as-hell − You should be incredibly proud of yourself for this! Imagine being the type of person who would first of all, ask their monogamous partner/spouse to open the marriage, but **THEN?** To be the type of person who had the audacity to ask you to “tell people he CHEATED on you,” instead of the truth because somehow in his teeny tiny lizard brain, THAT makes him seem better?. Lol. Trash.. So proud of you!

MK_King69 − GOOD FOR YOU!. Things will get easier.. You'll find happiness again. And you'll look back at your relationship with this fool and just laugh.

3Heathens_Mom − So very glad for you OP. I can’t imagine how hard it was to determine your boundaries and then enforce them. If you don’t already have one you might wish to consider a security system for your new home. Something along the lines of a ring doorbell so you can see who is at your door and if needed speak with them without being physically present.

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Plus_Data_1099 − Your amazing well done also don't tell people he cheated as he might use that to turn friends against you later tell them the truth what he wanted and congratulations on your new life.

These Reddit opinions are bold, but do they capture the full weight of her journey? Or are they just scratching the surface of such a layered breakup?

Her story is a powerful reminder that sometimes, walking away is the bravest act of self-love. From filing divorce papers to securing a new home, she’s forged a path to healing despite her ex’s chaotic behavior. As she settles in with her cats, her focus on no-contact and self-care sets a hopeful tone. What steps would you take to rebuild after a heartbreak like this? Drop your thoughts or experiences below—let’s spark a conversation!

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