[UPDATE] I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The weight of a 17-year marriage once anchored a 35-year-old man to a life of duty, his days filled with bills, chores, and a wife who leaned on him for everything. But in a leap of courage, he filed for divorce, trading familiarity for freedom. His Reddit update radiates a zest for life, as he navigates modern dating and a surprising new romance. For those who want to read the previous part: [How do I divorce my wife [35, F] when she relies on me [35, M] for everything?].

His journey from guilt to joy captivates, like a traveler shedding a heavy pack to sprint toward the horizon. The divorce wasn’t easy—legal battles and fleeting regrets stung—but the lightness he feels now is electric. As he shares his story, readers are drawn into a tale of reinvention, wondering: can breaking free from obligation truly spark such fierce happiness, and what does it take to embrace the unknown?

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‘[UPDATE] I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier?’

I’m writing to thank you for the advice you gave me on [my original post, “How Do I Divorce My Wife When She Relies On Me For Everything?” The was that my wife wouldn’t work or contribute in any way, relied on me for everything, but for many years I was too racked with guilt to leave.

However, since that post, I followed your advice to leave my wife (which was the same advice I received from literally every other person in my life). It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never wept so hard as I did after I told my now-ex — whom I’d been with for half my life — that I had filed for divorce and was leaving.

But despite any pain and stress I’ve experienced in the last few months, filing for divorce was *by far* the best decision I’ve ever made, and in that time I’ve experienced a sense of lightness, possibility, and fierce joy I never knew possible. I am happy to answer any questions y’all might have, including those looking for advice or comfort in similar situations.

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Here are some highlights/takeaways from my personal experience. * The divorce process isn’t a ton of fun. I had to switch attorneys when I realized the first law firm was unethically making the process more contentious than anyone wanted to boost their billable hours, and I will end up paying a not-insignificant amount of spousal support for a couple years.

But all of this is a (very) small price to pay for the freedom I now have. * There have been emotional ups and downs for sure. Aside from one brief texting conversation, I haven’t spoken with my ex since I left in September. Old habits die hard, though, and during long weekends alone, I’ve twice been overcome with guilt about leaving and broken down in tears.

I know I don’t *truly* have anything to feel guilty about; I think this is simply part of the process of grieving and extricating myself from the familiar emotional ruts I’d taken as reality for so long. * Modern dating is STRANGE. And fun! But STRANGE! For context, the last time I was single, my phone flipped, haha, so dating apps took some getting used to.

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That said, I was very relieved to find that my worst fears — that I would be an undesirable guy to date and would be Forever Alone — could not have been less realistic. I often had dates with 2-4 different women per week (I live in a major city, which helps); and more than once, I found myself jokingly asking a lovely woman, “Are you sure you’re on the right date?

Like, have you SEEN me?” I’m not the Cryptkeeper or anything, but I look like what I am: a mid-30s creative guy who works in tech and owns entirely too much Nintendo memorabilia. Luckily, no ladies bolted mid-dinner. * I did not plan on dating seriously for at least six months, but I met a woman on Tinder who is my “dream girl” and so much more.

We’re deliriously happy. She’s a few years younger than I am but is deeply wise, as well as hilarious, kind, thoughtful, generous, and beautiful. This sounds like I’m making it up, but she’s literally a professional model. As I joke with friends, “I swear she’s real, you guys, she just goes to a different school.”

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There were many folks who reached out and said how much they related to my previous circumstances. So if I had any advice to share to those struggling with leaving a partner who is dependent on them, it would be this: Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. We’re on this earth for all too brief a trip and it is not fair to make ourselves miserable just to avoid making someone else uncomfortable.

Relationships should be about two people coming together because they WANT to share their lives, not because one of them NEEDS the other. And anyway, people are more resilient than we give them credit for. Thank you so much, Reddit. You helped change and save my life. If I can repay the favor by answering any questions, please let me know. 

EDIT 1:** I think this is clear if you read both posts, but I get that most folks won’t, so just to be safe: I didn’t leave *just* because of Reddit. Everyone in my life — including friends who loved both me and my ex — believed it was the right thing, because I’d tried for years to get our marriage to work, she wouldn’t reciprocate, and the effort almost killed me. Reddit offered enormous comfort and further confidence, though, and I’m deeply grateful..

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EDIT 2:** Quick notes to address some a couple questions in the comments. 1. *What is my ex doing now?* Aside from a brief text conversation, we haven't spoken since I left. Through my lawyer, I know that she is living with her parents and is looking for work. In that text conversation, she said she hopes we can be friends and talk when this is over; she also said she understands and respects my decision to not be in contact with her.

Whether or not we'll have a relationship after this process, I truly don't know. But I admire the strength it took to send that magnanimous message, and I wish her only happiness and the best. 2. *How did my ex's parents take this?* They understood completely. They didn't even ask why I was leaving: They already knew, which was both comforting and sad.

3. *What did my original lawyers do that made me seek new counsel?* Well, they weren't billing me for hours they didn't work. Rather, they were creating unnecessary work so that they could have more hours of work to bill. Basically, they were misrepresenting my ex's lawyer as being much more aggressive and litigious than he actually was.

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I found this out when they described an email conversation they'd had with him, then (accidentally, I assume) sent me the actual conversation as part of an unrelated email forward. The real conversation was nothing like what they'd reported. There were a lot of things like that.

4. *'You're not actually dating a model because that is ludicrous'* OR '*haha you're dating a model, have fun paying for* her *life, too, Einstein.'* Oh yeah, totally, I agree: It *is* ludicrous. Especially since I basically have the physique of a guy who loves ordering fitness DVDs but does not love opening them.

But she really *is* a model, and her looks are honestly the least beautiful thing about her. Also, she's 30 and knows modeling won't last forever, so she's already fielding offers to go back to work as a psychological counselor..

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EDIT 3: 5. How did my ex react when I told her about the divorce?* She was terribly upset and lashed out at me verbally. I’d expected that and don’t begrudge her for it, and I’d made arrangements for people she loves to be nearby and come over right after that conversation so that she wouldn’t be alone..

EDIT 4:** *6. 'Why are you in another relationship so quickly? / Have you, uh, actually* met *your new girlfriend (AKA is she even real)?'* I definitely didn't intend to get into another relationship so soon. But things have gone incredibly well so far, and I cannot wait for my new girlfriend to use the money I sent her to get her buried inheritance out of Nigeria so we can finally meet!!. (*Joking.*).

In all seriousness, these are great and totally fair questions. In fact, my friends and family (while absolutely thrilled to see me happy) were also concerned that I was jumping in too quickly... until they met my girlfriend, 'W,' saw what I see, and fell in love with her as well. W is, in some ways, the opposite of my ex:

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She won't 'let me' pay for anything outside of date-night costs, for instance, she's very independent, and she has a professional career (as a psychologist) that she's looking forward to returning to whenever the modeling time in her life is through. I'm sure I have a lifetime of lessons yet to learn, but although I will make mistakes in this (and any) relationship, I won't be repeating the mistakes from my marriage. Promise..

EDIT 5: I've received so many messages. I'm o**rwhelmed by your kindness and deeply moved by your requests for advice. To make correspondence easier to keep track of, I created an email address that anyone can use to get in touch with me in the future: GhostTurtlesFromReddit at gmail. (Feel free, of course, to reach out using a throwaway email.). Thank you all so much again. <3

This man’s transformation is a testament to the power of prioritizing self-worth. Leaving a marriage where he carried all the weight wasn’t just a divorce—it was a rebirth. His guilt, though natural, reflects a common struggle when ending codependent dynamics, but his joy signals a healthier path forward.

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Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, explains, “Healthy relationships thrive on mutual independence, not one-sided reliance” (source). The man’s ex-wife, living with her parents and seeking work, may finally face the growth her dependency stifled. His rapid leap into dating, while exhilarating, carries risks—rebound relationships can cloud judgment, with 60% failing within a year (Psychology Today, 2023).

His new partner’s independence contrasts sharply with his ex’s reliance, aligning with Levine’s emphasis on secure attachment. Yet, experts caution pacing new romances post-divorce to avoid repeating old patterns. He should seek therapy to process lingering guilt and ensure his boundaries remain firm.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s reactions are a lively cocktail of cheers and raised eyebrows, like friends toasting a bold move while whispering caution. From heartfelt congrats to warnings about rushing into love, the community weighs in with gusto. Here’s what they said:

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QueenMoogle − Your awe of your own life, a happy, fulfilling, and love filled life is incredibly sweet. All the best, dude.

ScarletHart5 − 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm' - I love this! Good luck with the woman in your life it sounds like you're really happy and definatley made the best decision :)

Pixamel − Excellent update! Just a word of caution now that you’re new to dating, don’t repeat what you did with your ex wife, being too willing to pay for everything (also don’t reveal your income early on). Also even 6 months is not that long. Don’t fall in love that fast. A word of caution. Good luck!

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ArgumentGenius − 'I met a girl in Tinder who is my dream girl.'. Uh oh.

malfane − Congratulations! I was in a similar situation, it felt like dragging a boat anchor along for life. I fixed mine the same way with no regrets. Best of luck to you!

ShimmeringNothing − .... in the span of a few months you got into a relationship with a younger, kind, hilarious, professional model whom you met on Tinder? 0.0. Wow. Well, congrats, OP!. (I'm a girl, so not jealous of OP, just kinda surprised.)

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QueenofKeelas − It's great you're doing well but you should take it slow and not rush into another relationship. Sometimes being on your own is very healing. Don't feel guilty about your ex, the divorce is a good thing for her too. It'll help her grow independent.

Gromslav − That's such a wonderful story. Glad you're doing better and are giving back to the community - I'm sure there are people who need to hear your advice and update.. Too bad your ex hasn't learned from her mistakes, but it's on her. With the new girl, give yourself some time before marrying again, make sure she's the one. I wish you all the best folks! Keep your head high, cheers

IbanezPGM − Do you know if she’s got her act together after this kick in the b**t?

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Cajlog − 'Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm' <-- that should be everyone's 2020 motto.. ​. Glad you are doing great OP.

These takes sparkle with support, but do they miss the mark on his swift new romance, or is their caution spot-on?

His story shines as a beacon for those trapped in one-sided relationships, proving that freedom can ignite fierce joy. From tearful goodbyes to Tinder adventures, he’s rewritten his narrative, but his quick leap into love raises questions. Can a new romance bloom so soon, or is time the true healer? Share your thoughts—have you reinvented yourself after a tough breakup, or how would you navigate this newfound happiness?

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