[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?

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A 29-year-old woman’s dream of a shared future with her fiancé of 10 years crumbled further when a follow-up talk about their house purchase exposed his controlling side. After refusing to pay half the mortgage on a home he insists on owning alone, his demand that she “listen to him” and refusal of therapy left her heartbroken and questioning the man she thought she knew. Once a loving partner, he’s now a stranger prioritizing control over partnership.

This Reddit update drags us deeper into a tale of fractured trust and fading love. It’s a gut-wrenching look at a relationship’s unraveling, asking: when a partner’s true colors emerge, how do you decide whether to stay or walk away?.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original post

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‘[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?’

So first thank you to everyone who commented, a lot of you had great insight and were very supportive. To those who weren’t I got to see a perspective of how my fiancé might be feeling so thank you for that too. (although some of you were extremely misogynistic)

To answer some questions, my grandma offered to give us a place to stay for a few months while i looked for a job and so we could save some money (this was the beginning of the lockdown and no one was sure what the job market would look like). I had brought up finishing my degree and my grandma offered to watch my baby while I was in class.

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My fiancé said he’d pay for it since we didn’t have to pay for rent or daycare. He called it an “investment in our future”. I got a pell grant and a scholarship so he ended up only having to pay, on average, $3400 a year for the schooling. If i wasn’t going to school, my grandma didn’t want us staying there long term.

This was purely her trying to give us a leg up and help US in OUR future. She wouldn’t have done so if she knew what my fiancé was going to do, she’s said this. For the update, I told my fiancé we needed to talk about this arrangement and I asked why he changed his mind all of the sudden.

He said he worked hard for his money and didn’t want to lose everything if we got divorced. I said that was fair but he’s now putting ME in a position to lose everything if I have zero rights to the property. He said I didn’t save up the money so the house should be his and his alone until and unless I put down 40% also.

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I asked if he’d consider a prenup that would give him the 40% he put down and we’d split 50/50 the rest of the equity. I said this would protect the lump sum he put down while also giving me equity Id be paying for. He said he’d have to think about it but he doesn’t like the idea of having to sell if we split.

I said then he can get his own place that he can afford on his own if he doesn’t want me on the title that badly. (This one he could barely afford with just his income not sure if he’d even be approved for the mortgage on his own tbh) I also mentioned that I wanted to do couples therapy before we get married.

He said no. That we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”. That was the end of the conversation. I don’t know who this person is. This is not the man I had a child with. The man i had a child with massaged me every night while I was pregnant,

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he listened attentively to every random thing I wanted to talk about, he treated me with the upmost respect, he was the only person I wanted with me while I gave birth. He used to say he could never hurt me or s**ew me over because it’d hurt our child. I love him so much. I don’t know what happened.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

When a fiancé demands compliance over compromise, it’s not just a red flag—it’s a siren. The woman’s attempt to negotiate a fair prenup was met with control and dismissal, with his refusal of therapy and insistence that she “listen to him” signaling a shift toward emotional manipulation. After 10 years, a child, and her significant contributions, this change suggests external influences or long-hidden traits surfacing under pressure.

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Relationship power imbalances often emerge during major milestones like buying a home, with 25% of U.S. couples citing control issues as a breakup factor, per a 2022 Pew Research study. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a relationship therapist, says, “Control in partnerships often masks insecurity; refusing therapy while demanding obedience is a power play, not love.” His claim to the 40% down payment ignores her role in enabling those savings through free rent and childcare.

Her suggestion of a prenup was a fair compromise, but his rejection and controlling stance suggest deeper issues, possibly influenced by toxic ideologies as Redditors speculate. She should stay at her grandma’s, secure her finances, and consider co-parenting separately. Therapy for herself could help process this betrayal.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s dropping takes hotter than a summer heatwave! The community dives in with alarm, advice, and some sharp theories:

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Orisha_Oshun − I would not marry this man or buy a house with him. Time to set up some co parenting guidelines and go yer separate ways. He showed you who he is. Believe him.

Techno_Core − NTA. *we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”*. Lol. That sounds like it makes it easy for you. Give in or walk away (I'd walk away).

Inconsistent_Reader_ − OP, you need to run. This can get very dangerous very fast. This man is desperately trying to overpower and control every aspect of your life. It starts with it being HIS house, then it's HIS MONEY, HIS CHILD and your NOTHING. I don't want to scare you, but it feels as though he 'baby trapped' you. Meaning even if you decide to leave him, you'll be tied by the child you share.

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He doesn't want to do therapy because he is aware of his behavior. He knows what he's doing. The therapist will know his true intentions and expose them. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking he's not being abusive.. Please get separate accounts and stay at your grandmother's place until you can get a place away from him.

ContemplatingFolly − I still don't get how he thinks the 40% down payment is all his, when he saved it by living rent free at Grandma's.. Your offer was very generous OP. I would end this thing, and sue him for back rent/breach of promise.. This whole thing stinks. Glad you got an education out of it anyway.

Gold_Head7582 − What most likely happened is he fell in with coworkers, friends, or an internet hole around alpha male b**lshit. I bet folks have been influencing him and this is where the change is coming from.

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Justplaincirioustoo − “He said no. That we didn’t need therapy and I just needed to “listen to him”. That was the end of the conversation.” you are NTA. THIS WOULD BE THE LAST WORDS I HEARD FROM HIM WHILE WALKING OUT THE DOOR 🚪

AlwaysHelpful22 − It makes no sense for you to pay off his house. Tell him you’re not going to do it, period. If he wants you to pay 50% of the mortgage, then you belong on the title. Otherwise, he can do it all by himself.

Dlraetz1 − Tell him to stop listening to Andrew Tate and figure out what he’ll owe in child support.

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Dragon_Queen_666 − What happened is he moved on with his sick plans before you were fully on the hook. He was planning to do this to you all along, he merely got impatient and put it into action before the wedding. He doesn't want an equal partner, he wants a traditional wife fully dependent on him.

babamum − It does sound like he's been red pilled and joined the manosphere at some point. But I've also noticed this trend for men to kick into antiquated misogynistic attitudes at key points, such as engagement, marriage, pregnancy and childbirth. It's like a button gets pushed in their brains, and all the misogynistic, patriarchal attitudes they've absorbed in their lifetime rise to the surface.

I guess these events are central to male-female relationships. So they can bring on strong attitudes of what male and female roles are. And the female role is to serve, sacrifice and get nothing in return. It must be very hard for OP to come to grips with this dramatic change in someone she thought she knew.

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The irony here is that he is only able to buy a house because of two women - the grandmother giving him free rent for four years and OP paying half the mortgage. But he doesn't see this. Suddenly its all his effort and his money. Actually it's grandma's money. She could have rented that flat and had money in the bank. But he doesn't see he's stealing from two women.

He just thinks it's all his work that he has the money and op is a gold digger. He may feel differently when he can't buy a house because op won't help pay the mortgage, he can't live rent free any more and he's paying child support. But in reality he'll probably still see op as a gold digger and not realise he destroyed a wonderful relationship through sheer greed.

These voices amplify the stakes, but do they offer a path to clarity, or just fuel the urge to run?

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This update exposes a relationship on the brink, where a mortgage dispute unveiled a fiancé’s controlling nature. The woman’s stand against financial manipulation is a fierce reclaiming of her agency, but his refusal to compromise or seek therapy casts doubt on their future. Can she salvage the man she loved, or is this the end of their shared story? What would you do when a partner’s mask slips after a decade? Share your thoughts below and let’s unravel this heartbreak!

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