[UPDATE 2] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet home once filled with tension, a 34-year-old woman rediscovers the sound of her own laughter. A year ago, her marriage crumbled under the weight of her husband’s abusive outbursts, but her bold boundary against his screaming set her free. Now, despite job loss and financial strain, she’s carving out a life brimming with hope, from a new job to a new love. Her story radiates resilience, like sunlight breaking through a storm. For those who want to read the previous part: [UPDATE] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

This Reddit update pulls readers into a tale of triumph over trauma. Her journey—from tiptoeing around her ex’s anger to embracing her own strength—invites us to cheer her on. Can she sustain this newfound joy, or will past shadows linger? Her courage lights the way for anyone stuck in a dark tunnel.

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‘[UPDATE 2] Me (34F) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34M) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?’

I wanted to give y'all another update - hopefully the last one. It's been about a year since my original post, ten months since the first update.. ​ My ex did move out. Thankfully, moving day was uneventful, and then he was gone. And as many commentators predicted - when he was gone from the house it was a HUGE relief.

I didn't have to cringe at every little sound anymore. I could BREATHE again. I was really, really sad - but my space was my own.. Aaaand then I got laid off. No joke. Helluva one-two punch right there. The past two years have, on the whole, been incredibly painful.

The year that my marriage fell apart, and then the year I had to spend recovering from that blow. I had to job hunt while mourning the death of my relationship, and as soon as I found a new job I also found out my house needed HUGELY expensive repairs that, after all of this mess as well as having supported my ex not working for a year, I just didn't have the cash for.

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And figuring out how to be on my own for a while - I had people there to support me, but in the day to day, hour to hour through this mess I was ultimately on my own, and that was hard. (Bingeing 'The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel' helped a bit.) He also kept reaching out.

For a while it was occasionally chatty, but as time went on and I came more to terms with how he'd treated me, and how frequently his messages had a tinge of emotional manipulation to them, I distanced myself. He messaged me once to ask if I regretted our entire relationship, on the whole, or if I thought he was a terrible person, on the whole. I didn't respond to that one at all.

Then he'd reach out with things like 'Hey, the TV I took from our living room broke, do you want it from me? Like to sell or try and fix?' I've been doing my best to keep my responses short and clear, in ways that don't invite follow-up. Lately he's been wanting to have a post-mortem conversation, to which I said that I wouldn't be ready to consider whether or not that'd be a good idea until our legal ties were ended.

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(He also just messaged to ask if he could be my roommate, because his rent is really high. I have no words.). The good news - and there's thankfully quite a lot of it - the new job I got is possibly the best job I've ever had. A step down in salary, but I'm super happy with the work and the people and the location,

and I've been getting rave reviews from coworkers and management, enough that I think I can probably negotiate a decent raise in a few months. I had to get a new car as well (new to me, but purchased used) since my ex got the car we shared in the split, and I was nervous about negotiating and buying a car by myself, which I'd never done before.

But I did it and managed to negotiate the dealer about $1k down - and I absolutely love the car. Also - I met someone new. This person reminds me of my ex in a lot of ways - things like shared hobbies and creativity and sense of humor and charm - but very different in some really important ways.

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He treats me REALLY well. He's thoughtful and kind and generous - not just to me, but to everyone. In the conflicts we've had (very few) we are able to talk through them calmly - no yelling! - and he shows me how much he respects and cares about my perspective and boundaries and autonomy.

He's not broken and doesn't need me to fix him - and I'm not broken either, thank god. Maybe carrying a bit of extra baggage, but such is life. This relationship is still new, but it feels like a game-changer for both of us, and I'm excited to see where it leads..

And one more bit of good news - I will officially be divorced on Friday! (Yes, the day after Valentine's Day XD ) There are a few more loose ends to wrap up after that, but not many.. ​ I wanted to provide this update in part because I know it can be nice to see updates from folks, but also because I wanted to give a bit of hope to anyone who might be in a situation like mine.

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It can get better. It really, really can. I'm actually HAPPY. It took time and hard work, and things aren't perfect - I'm definitely going to need a LOT of time to recover financially, and I'm still sometimes processing the weight of 11 years of emotional abuse (A+++++ for therapy) - but I'm actually truly happy.

Sometimes I wonder how much of the depression I'd been feeling before he left was the result of how much emotional weight I'd been carrying for so long - his AND mine - without truly being aware of it. It's so easy to feel like that dark tunnel is all there ever will be, when you're in the middle of it - but I'm out in the sunshine now, and it feels amazing.

Emerging from an abusive marriage is like stepping out of a fog—painful but liberating. This woman’s relief after her ex’s departure underscores the toll of emotional abuse, while her resilience shines through in navigating job loss and financial strain.

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Dr. Beverly Engel, an expert on emotional abuse, writes, “Recovery begins with recognizing the abuse and reclaiming your voice” (Beverly Engel). Her boundary against screaming was a pivotal act of self-respect, though her ex’s manipulative outreach—asking to be roommates—shows his refusal to let go. A 2023 study by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence found that 70% of survivors face post-separation harassment, highlighting the need for firm boundaries (NCADV).

Her story reflects a broader issue: survivors often carry financial and emotional burdens long after leaving. Her job loss and home repairs compound the stress of divorce, yet her proactive steps—securing a job, buying a car—demonstrate agency. Her new relationship, built on mutual respect, contrasts sharply with her ex’s toxicity.

Therapy remains crucial for processing 11 years of abuse, as Dr. Engel suggests focusing on “self-compassion to heal shame.” She should maintain no-contact or minimal communication with her ex, using legal channels for any necessary interactions.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit crew showed up with virtual high-fives and sage advice, like a supportive friend group at a cozy brunch. From celebrating her freedom to urging no-contact, here’s their take:

cookiemonsieur − You made it through a lot of struggle and strife - and came out happy at the other end! I'm thankful that you posted a happy update to inspire others here. Well done negotiating the used car, and good luck negotiating that raise!

belgiantwatwaffles − I've been doing my best to keep my responses short and clear. Congratulations! But block him entirely so he gets the message once and for all. You can speak through your lawyers. He is still emotionally manipulating you.

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CJ74U2NV − Crazy similarity. I divorced an a**oholic wife and 2 days after the divorce was final, I lost my job. It's been 5 years now and it was just a blip in the radar of life at this point. But at the time it was stressful as all hell.

I took several part time jobs and sold some stuff to float on until the next full time job.. I also had the pleasure of my ex emptying our joint bank account before unexpectedly moving out.. Why is divorce so damn expensive??? Because it's worth it.

strps − I just read over your posts and honestly I think we are living parallel lives...except for I'm where you were at in your first post. Congrats on getting through this. I don't know how to find it in me to do the same.

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armorall43 − Congratulations for setting a boundary, sticking to it, and moving on with your life. I think you should consider going no contact as the best, healthiest way forward.

justaskin265 − What a journey and you’ve certainly been through a lot these past 11 years. Read both your previous posts as well. For those of u looking to avoid getting in a similar situation, what are some red flags that were there that you should have picked up in retrospect early on in the relationship?

[Reddit User] − Yay! Life is ALWAYS so better after ditching a manipulative anchor who expects you to manage their ridiculous wishes with no reciprocity on their end.. ​ The financial situation will work itself out, but you should be pleased with the fact you have the prospect of a real life again, unburdened by a genuinely terrible spouse.

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snackysnackeeesnacki − So much of your story is like mine with my ex. I called the cops one time, after we had separated but before I told him I wanted a divorce - I knew with abusive people, the end of the relationship can escalate to physical even if it hadn’t before.

The cops tried to convince me to file a restraining order and I said I couldn’t because he would just freak out. And you know what the officer said?. “Yeah, he will probably freak out. And you don’t ever have to be there for it again.” Honestly that was such an empowering moment for me.

I didnt have to do anymore caretaking, no more managing his responses or trying to keep him on an even keel. All I had to do was detach. I didn’t get a restraining order but it completely changed the way I communicated with him (and I eventually blocked him when he couldn’t play nice).

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rebelsigh − I’m so happy for you. Him leaving was the kindest thing he has probably ever done for you, intentionally or not. I hope you don’t feel guilty anymore, you put in so much emotional labour for someone who wasn’t even willing to do it for themselves, let alone you. Be happy, queen.

[Reddit User] − I’m happy it’s over. I’m happier it doesn’t sound like you had children together. This reminds of a situation with my mom and step father. She still can’t admit to any abuse.

These Redditors applaud her strength but warn against her ex’s manipulation, with some sharing their own escape stories. Their enthusiasm is infectious, but does it fully capture the grind of recovery? One thing’s clear: her update has sparked a wave of encouragement.

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This woman’s journey is a testament to the power of boundaries and the promise of a brighter future. From the ashes of an abusive marriage, she’s built a life of joy, with a new job, car, and partner who respects her. Yet, the scars of her past and her ex’s lingering outreach remind us healing isn’t linear. Can she keep her sunshine, or will new challenges test her? Her story invites us to reflect on resilience and renewal. What would you do to protect your peace after such a journey? Share your thoughts below and keep the conversation going.

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