My wife [30F] has given up alcohol for good and I [31M] am finding it difficult to deal with.

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In a warm living room, the clink of wine glasses once punctuated cozy evenings, but for one man, those moments now feel like fading echoes. His wife’s decision to quit alcohol for good, a bold step away from her nightly glasses of wine, has left him unexpectedly heartbroken, grappling with a quiet sense of loss. At 31, he’s torn between supporting her choice and mourning the romantic rituals they shared, from date nights to milestone toasts, in their decade-long love story.

This Reddit confession unveils a tender struggle: balancing personal grief with a partner’s growth. His raw honesty about feeling selfish draws readers into a relatable clash of emotions, where love meets change. As he navigates this shift, the story invites a deeper look at perspectives, expert insights, and the Reddit community’s lively takes on adapting to a partner’s life-altering choice.

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‘My wife [30F] has given up alcohol for good and I [31M] am finding it difficult to deal with.’

My wife and I have been together for about a decade and we've been married for three years. I'd say we're very happy, enjoy spending time with each other and have a similar view on the world. No kids for now, just pets. Things have been pretty great, on the whole.

Over the last few years, my wife has been working in a hard but very rewarding job and during that time, her alcohol consumption increased quite a bit. She'd usually have a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings at home to wind down.

Every once in a while, she'd be involved in work events in the evenings which could get quite boozy too - her field can be quite boozy in general; they usually have drinks in the office on a Friday afternoon (a glass or two).

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She never got drunk, but clearly she had become quite dependent on alcohol as a way to let off steam from her career. It wasn't unusual for her to have half a bottle of wine a night although she'd rarely have more than that. She's quite petite though so I guess that isn't an insignificant amount.

Just to be clear, I never, in a million years would have classified her as even remotely an a**oholic. Just before Christmas, she told me that she was going to be cutting down her drinking and was reading some kind of self help book about doing so.

I'm not quite sure what triggered her desire for this but I suspect it has something to do with this particular co-worker of hers that is about twenty years older and, to put it simply, is a b**ch and is also almost certainly a high functioning a**oholic herself. I reckon my wife didn't want to end up like her.

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When she started following this book, I didn't think that much of it. She's cut down her drinking before for a while and the new year is always a good time to start things like this. However, a couple of days ago, she told me that she was actually quitting alcohol entirely and wasn't going to drink ever again.

I feel awful for saying this, but this really hit me quite hard. I know that it shouldn't - people go through much worse with serious alcoholics and all - but I've found myself suffering from a real sense of loss, and then guilt, thinking I'm being selfish for not being supportive enough.

She did say I didn't seem as enthusiastic as she thought I'd be after she told me. I mentioned that it was a bit of a shock and, of course, I'd support her. For some reason, this is really getting to me though.

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Now I know what you're probably thinking  I'm an a**oholic myself or at least highly dependent on it - but the truth is, that just isn't the case; I hardly drink. I haven't been properly drunk since I was at college and even then, I hardly drank compared to everyone else.

I hardly ever drink at home maybe a beer or a glass of wine every couple of weeks. I often don't drink for months at a time if I have no social reason to do so. Basically, I'm an occasional social drinker and no more.

Even in those social situations, if I don't feel like it or one of us has to drive or there's nothing available that I like the taste of; then I just won't drink. This is why this is so bizarre; I'm such an infrequent drinker, surely it shouldn't bother me that my wife's stopped drinking??

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Unfortunately, that would be too simple. Instead, I have this chasm of loss forming in my chest. I've told her that people won't really act differently around her when she starts saying she's quit - in my experience, others don't really care unless your not-drinking impedes their desire to-drink. I.e. don't be a d**k about it and people don't really give a crap.

Unfortunately, those rules don't seem to apply to me. I think it may be because those other people are only 'here' for short snapshots of time whereas my wife and I have committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

I keep thinking about what we'll be missing in the future. We won't be able to share a bottle of wine together over a nice dinner - at home, in a restaurant or on holiday. We won't be able to go on a date to a bar and gradually get tipsy while listening to some nice live music.

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We won't be able to crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate a major life milestone in one of our lives. Years down the line, when we might have teenage children, we won't be able to give them half a glass of wine at the dining table with Sunday lunch like my parents did for me.

Of course, none of this is reasonable. No one 'needs' alcohol to have a functional and rewarding social life and there are far too many people suffering because their spouse won't give up alcohol when they actually seriously need to. So of course, I'm in the wrong.

It's just... it's breaking my heart right now, as selfish as that may be and I really needed to vent. I tried to find some advice online and, of course, this doesn't seem to have happened to anyone else - any Google searches just gave me hits with advice for how to get your a**oholic spouse to quit.

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Far more important, sure, but of no help to me. I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm not going to betray the trust of my wife - no one else knows that she's quitting for good yet. I'd usually talk to my wife about any problems I or we have but I don't want to damage her process right now as she gets used to a new life without alcohol.

Hence, here I vent/m**e/despair with a throwaway account, ready for the anonymous internet to judge me if anyone makes it through my wall of text.. Maybe some of you can give me your perspective on this? Has anyone gone through anything like this?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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This couple’s cozy evenings took a sharp turn when the wife chose sobriety, leaving her husband reeling. His grief, though surprising given his minimal drinking, stems from losing shared rituals—wine with dinner, champagne for milestones—that wove alcohol into their bond. Her choice, likely spurred by a coworker’s cautionary tale, reflects self-awareness, but his struggle highlights how change, even positive, can unsettle a relationship’s rhythm.

This tension mirrors a broader issue: adapting to a partner’s lifestyle shift. A 2021 study from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism notes that 30% of adults reassess their drinking habits by their 30s, often prompting relationship adjustments. Dr. John Kelly, a recovery expert, states, “Sobriety can reshape social dynamics, requiring couples to renegotiate shared activities”. Here, the husband’s loss reflects a natural mourning of old habits.

Kelly’s insight suggests the husband’s feelings are valid but surmountable. His wife’s sobriety doesn’t erase their connection; it invites new traditions, like mocktails or gourmet desserts. Couples therapy, as recommended by The Gottman Institute, can help them explore these emotions openly. He might reflect on why alcohol loomed large in his vision of their future, fostering dialogue to create new, meaningful rituals together.

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This story underscores the challenge of supporting a partner’s growth while honoring personal emotions. It’s a reminder that love thrives through adaptation, finding joy in new ways to connect.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s responses bubble up like a lively bar chat, offering a mix of empathy and tough love. Some users relate to the husband’s sense of loss, comparing it to their own adjustments when partners changed diets or habits, urging patience and new traditions.

Others challenge his focus on alcohol, suggesting sobriety’s benefits outweigh romanticized moments and encouraging him to prioritize his wife’s health. The community’s varied takes highlight the complexity of navigating change in love. These Reddit perspectives blend support with gentle nudges, reflecting the push-pull of personal and shared growth in relationships.

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gravityline − About three years ago, my husband (then boyfriend) started eating vegan, and I went through a period of disquiet. We live in an urban area and frequently eat out. Suddenly, I needed to worry about whether or not my husband had more options than an iceberg salad at any place I wanted to go.

I often couldn't share my food with him by giving him a bite, something I really enjoyed as part of the shared experience of dining together. He couldn't finish up my leftovers if portions were too much for me, which they frequently are because I'm very short and small. No steak dinners for rare 'fancy' nights out.

And I didn't feel like I could say anything about this--he clearly had the moral high ground as the person making the more ethical and sustainable choice, which in itself made me feel somewhat insecure. So, I think I understand how you're feeling, and my comment is that you need to give yourself time to get used to it.

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Acknowledge how you feel without letting it impede your support of your wife. I love my husband more than I need to socially share my food with him, as I'm sure you love your wife more than you consider drinking a part of her, and ultimately I'm proud of him for staying true to his health and values. You married a self-aware person and that is a gift.

C1awed − We won't be able to share a bottle of wine together over a nice dinner - at home, in a restaurant or on holiday. We won't be able to go on a date to a bar and gradually get tipsy while listening to some nice live music. We won't be able to crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate a major life milestone in one of our lives.

Over the last few years, my wife has been working in a hard but very rewarding job and during that time, her alcohol consumption increased quite a bit. She'd usually have a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings at home to wind down.

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Years down the line, when we might have teenage children, we won't be able to give them half a glass of wine at the dining table with Sunday lunch like my parents did for me. Why does alcohol feature so prominently in these future plans? Why not share a nice bottle of sparkling cider over a nice dinner?

Every once in a while, she'd be involved in work events in the evenings which could get quite boozy too - her field can be quite boozy in general; they usually have drinks in the office on a Friday afternoon (a glass or two).

Why not go on a date to a bar and drink mocktails while listening to nice live music? She's not asking you to pour all the booze out, so why can't you still give your teenager a half glass of wine sometimes? Is it that you've made wine part of you or your wife's identity? Is it that you were using her drinking as excuses to indulge sometimes?

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She never got drunk, but clearly she had become quite dependent on alcohol as a way to let off steam from her career. It wasn't unusual for her to have half a bottle of wine a night although she'd rarely have more than that. She's quite petite though so I guess that isn't an insignificant amount.

I know you don't classify her as an a**oholic, but anyone who's hit the 'dependent on wine to relax at night' state is dangerously close to being one, and a half-bottle a night is *not* a normal habit. I have several friends and relatives who don't drink and let me tell you - nobody cares or notices.

Just to be clear, I never, in a million years would have classified her as even remotely an a**oholic. Just before Christmas, she told me that she was going to be cutting down her drinking and was reading some kind of self help book about doing so.

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When we get together for gatherings, there's beer and fancy soda. When we go out, they order tea or a non-a**oholic drink. It has never, at any point, impeded their or our ability to fully enjoy an event. I think you really need to dig down to what's causing these feelings and find out why this is such a big deal to you. What is it about drinking that was and is so important?

I'm not quite sure what triggered her desire for this but I suspect it has something to do with this particular co-worker of hers that is about twenty years older and, to put it simply, is a b**ch and is also almost certainly a high functioning a**oholic herself. I reckon my wife didn't want to end up like her.

EllieMental − My husband only drinks water. Not coffee, not tea, not soda, not juice, definitely not anything with alcohol... just water. Until two weeks ago, when he asked for a sip of my drink. 'Oh, sorry. It's Coke Zero.' His reply, to my horror and astonishment, was 'It doesn't matter; I'm thirsty.'

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When she started following this book, I didn't think that much of it. She's cut down her drinking before for a while and the new year is always a good time to start things like this. However, a couple of days ago, she told me that she was actually quitting alcohol entirely and wasn't going to drink ever again.

It doesn't matter? IT DOESN'T MATTER?! Wtf do you mean it doesn't matter?! You only drink water. Never have I witnessed any other beverage pass your lips. This is part of who you are to me and you're telling me it doesn't matter?! THE GALL, mister!

I feel awful for saying this, but this really hit me quite hard. I know that it shouldn't - people go through much worse with serious alcoholics and all - but I've found myself suffering from a real sense of loss, and then guilt, thinking I'm being selfish for not being supportive enough.

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All of that flashed through my unreasonably frightened brain in a matter of seconds, but ultimately I came to the conclusion that it *doesn't* matter. He didn't grow another head or turn into a swamp monster. He took a sip and remained exactly the person he was pre-sip (much to my relief).

She did say I didn't seem as enthusiastic as she thought I'd be after she told me. I mentioned that it was a bit of a shock and, of course, I'd support her. For some reason, this is really getting to me though.

It'll take some getting used to, OP. Even though you don't think she was a big drinker, it was still part of her identity in your eyes. It's okay to mourn that a little, but also try to focus on the fact that she's working to better herself and work on making connections with the new her.. Also, her making changes for the better doesn't necessarily mean *you* have to follow suit.

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Now I know what you're probably thinking  I'm an a**oholic myself or at least highly dependent on it - but the truth is, that just isn't the case; I hardly drink. I haven't been properly drunk since I was at college and even then, I hardly drank compared to everyone else.

[Reddit User] − If she was drinking several glasses of wine a night, then she was, at the very least, a heavy drinker. It seems like she recognized that her alcohol use was becoming a problem and decided to stop before it became too out of control. You're picturing an imaginary future where you drink occasionally at special occasions and rarely get drunk.

I hardly ever drink at home maybe a beer or a glass of wine every couple of weeks. I often don't drink for months at a time if I have no social reason to do so. Basically, I'm an occasional social drinker and no more.

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Even in those social situations, if I don't feel like it or one of us has to drive or there's nothing available that I like the taste of; then I just won't drink. This is why this is so bizarre; I'm such an infrequent drinker, surely it shouldn't bother me that my wife's stopped drinking??

The future that your wife is picturing, which is probably more likely, is one where she passes out at the family Christmas party, where she loses her license for drunk driving, where she spends twenty minutes every morning vomiting, and where she dies of liver failure in her fifties.. Picture that future. Not the idealized one in your head. Then you'll be okay with her not drinking anymore.

Unfortunately, that would be too simple. Instead, I have this chasm of loss forming in my chest. I've told her that people won't really act differently around her when she starts saying she's quit - in my experience, others don't really care unless your not-drinking impedes their desire to-drink. I.e. don't be a d**k about it and people don't really give a crap.

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lofwt − I'm a woman who doesn't drink, and I've exclusively dated men who do. It's never been a problem on my end, because I love parties/bars/places of general alcohol consumption and just don't personally imbibe. But I do worry A LOT about making *other* people uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, those rules don't seem to apply to me. I think it may be because those other people are only 'here' for short snapshots of time whereas my wife and I have committed to spend the rest of our lives together.

I know that, until people get to know me better (and see what an awful/enthusiastic dancer I am, for instance), the knowledge that I'm always sober often freaks people out. I'm guessing that, like me, your wife is worried about alienating other people with her decision. For better or worse, she should be. It alienates people. It's alienating you.

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I keep thinking about what we'll be missing in the future. We won't be able to share a bottle of wine together over a nice dinner - at home, in a restaurant or on holiday. We won't be able to go on a date to a bar and gradually get tipsy while listening to some nice live music.

The tension you feel is real, and it's not just a stupid non-problem. I never willingly bring it up, but once I admit that I don't drink, I can literally see the fear in people's eyes. And I get it! No matter how much I try to reassure people that I don't care what anyone else does, it's still hard to overcome that initial response of 'she's judging me,' 'she thinks she's better than us,' 'why can't she just loosen up a little.'

We won't be able to crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate a major life milestone in one of our lives. Years down the line, when we might have teenage children, we won't be able to give them half a glass of wine at the dining table with Sunday lunch like my parents did for me.

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But that's just a minor hurdle. My good friends don't care, they buy me sparkly sodas and we get silly together anyway. My boyfriends haven't cared, they drink wine or beer with dinner and laugh at the faces I pull when I taste it. People feel uncomfortable about it, and then, they don't.

Of course, none of this is reasonable. No one 'needs' alcohol to have a functional and rewarding social life and there are far too many people suffering because their spouse won't give up alcohol when they actually seriously need to. So of course, I'm in the wrong.

The shenanigans we have far outstrip the initial question of who's drinking/smoking/snorting what. Your wife was hoping for your enthusiastic support because she knows she's going to have to navigate a lot of awkwardness around this.

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It's just... it's breaking my heart right now, as selfish as that may be and I really needed to vent. I tried to find some advice online and, of course, this doesn't seem to have happened to anyone else - any Google searches just gave me hits with advice for how to get your a**oholic spouse to quit.

Your point about 'not being a d**k about it' is largely true, but drinking is such an ingrained social norm that it's not a totally seamless change. She doesn't want you to be one of the people looking at her funny or thinking she's being judgmental and rude.

Far more important, sure, but of no help to me. I can't talk to my friends about it because I'm not going to betray the trust of my wife - no one else knows that she's quitting for good yet. I'd usually talk to my wife about any problems I or we have but I don't want to damage her process right now as she gets used to a new life without alcohol.

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However, you are allowed to feel what you feel. Alcohol is a staple in life, family, and love. This is a loss that you're allowed to grieve. I know you don't want to 'damage her process,' but both of you stewing in this soup is not going to help either of you adapt.

Hence, here I vent/m**e/despair with a throwaway account, ready for the anonymous internet to judge me if anyone makes it through my wall of text.. Maybe some of you can give me your perspective on this? Has anyone gone through anything like this?

You're not just going to independently get over your feelings of grief and uncertainty and then be magically happy for her. You say you aren't sure what triggered her to read that self-help book and stop drinking. So... ask her. You can be upset and still support her trying to improve her life.

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And during this conversation, you should admit that you're struggling too. You can help her, and she can help you. But you can't just say the nice supportive stock phrases, martyr yourself on this sword and never discuss it again.

bocroygbiv3 − I don't have much advice, other than saying I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm imagining you are gonna get an onslaught of 'you're being a spoiled brat/stop being a twat and support your wife/etc'

but as someone who is not an a**oholic but enjoys the hobby and treat of trying a new craft beer, champagne on a holiday, I can understand your sense of loss. My guess is time will heal your hurt. Continue to support your wife and good luck (sparkling cider is a nice swap for the holidays too :) )

ShelfLifeInc − I drink, but significantly less than most people I know. Here's my perspective. I keep thinking about what we'll be missing in the future. We won't be able to share a bottle of wine together over a nice dinner - at home, in a restaurant or on holiday.

I'll admit, this is something you'll have to give up. Most restaurants will serve you wine by the glass so you'll still be able to join some wine, but you're right, there will be no sharing of bottles. My partner still gets sad on occasion because he *loves* cheese platters, but I don't eat cheese, so there are no cheese platter dates between us.

This is something you'll have to let go. We won't be able to go on a date to a bar and gradually get tipsy while listening to some nice live music. Mocktails are delicious! Honestly, I can get drunk through osmosis. If I'm surrounded by happy drunk people, I get giggly and bubbly even if I haven't touched a drop.

We won't be able to crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate a major life milestone in one of our lives. Non-a**oholic champagne. Some of my fondest memories of growing up are my parents cracking open a bottle of non-a**oholic champagne (complete with the theatrical POP!) for my sister and I to celebrate a birthday, getting high marks in an exam, or whatever.

Even as an adult, I prefer the taste of the sweet bubbly g**pe juice to real champagne. Years down the line, when we might have teenage children, we won't be able to give them half a glass of wine at the dining table with Sunday lunch like my parents did for me.. Uh...why not?

Your wife has quit drinking, does this mean alcohol is banned from the household? Look, give yourself a little time to grieve, but move towards moving on and accepting your wife's decision. Build new traditions with your wife - treat yourselves after dinner by sharing a fancy gelato together.

Cherish having cups of tea or coffee together on cold mornings. Celebrate special occasions with tiny expensive cakes from fancy patisseries. I cherish the hot chocolate I drank with my partner on a cold night at a ski resort far more than any of the mulled wine I drank during the day.

It's okay to be sad (I was sad when my partner turned vegetarian, and was immensely relieved when he went back to an omnivorous diet) and to give yourself space to grieve, but realise that this probably changes your lifestyle a lot less than you think it will.

AnferneeBourdain − Change of any sort can sometimes cause anxiety. Your brain knows logically that this is for the best, so You just have to have the self-awareness to support your wife as much as you can can your gut catches up to your brain.

mucifous − I am pretty baffled here. Even after reading that entire thing, I still have no idea why your wife's decision bothers you at all. Is she telling you that *you* can't drink?

LaFolieElectrique − I think you are too busy 'grieving' for yourself and not focusing on supporting your wife. She can't drink anymore? So what? I have an autoimmune disorder that makes it incredibly easy to overdose on tiny bits of alcohol. But I've never had any of my friends 'grieve' because of my sobriety. They share good times with me by sticking with their wine and ordering me a Coke.

This story lingers like the last sip of a cherished drink, revealing the bittersweet dance of change in love. The husband’s grief and his wife’s resolve spotlight how relationships evolve, demanding flexibility alongside devotion. Share your thoughts—have you faced a partner’s unexpected change? How did you adapt? Let’s keep the conversation flowing!

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