My (M32) fiancee (F32) suddenly doesn’t want to marry me anymore because of a disagreement we had a year ago. What now?

Jonathan Hours
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The living room was quiet, save for the soft hum of toddler toys scattered on the rug, when Lola dropped a bombshell: no wedding, no future together. For seven years, this 32-year-old dad thought he and his fiancée were building a life—raising twins, planning a marriage—until a year-old fight about parenting resurfaced like a ghost. His apology seemed to mend things, but Lola’s heart had been quietly drifting, wounded by his dismissal of her Mexican heritage. Now, she says he doesn’t truly know her.

This Reddit saga isn’t just about a canceled engagement; it’s a raw look at how cultural ignorance and unheeded grievances can unravel love. When a single argument exposes years of overlooked slights, can love survive? Let’s dive into his story and explore why “I’m sorry” sometimes isn’t enough.

‘My (M32) fiancee (F32) suddenly doesn’t want to marry me anymore because of a disagreement we had a year ago. What now?’

Hi everyone. I've been with my fiancee 'Lola' for almost 7 years now and we've been engaged for 2 of those years. We have twins together (M&F, 3) and I thought we were happy. About a year ago we had a small fight/disagreement about how she was raising our kids, but after receiving some feedback from Reddit,

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I was able to see that I was in the wrong and I was being incredibly offensive toward my wife (this was on a different account that I lost the info for, but everyone was very helpful so thanks again). I apologized and she seemed to accept my apology, and I thought things were back to normal after all of that.

She seemed to be her normal self again and we didn't argue/disagree about that topic anymore. In fact, we hadn't had even a minor disagreement for months after that. I thought we were happy. Well, we were originally planning to get married last year (October of 2023) but she ended up changing her mind and saying she wanted to push back the wedding a bit.

I was a bit confused and she wouldn't really elaborate on why, she just said it was stressful to plan a wedding with toddlers and she needed some time so I agreed. Well, she just dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere a few days ago when she randomly stated that she doesn't think she wants to get married anymore.

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This was heartbreaking to hear, of course, and I asked that we sit and talk it out. She ended up telling me that she doesn't think we are compatible (after 7 years?) and that she thinks we should go our own ways and co-parent. I'm devastated. I pressed for more information, like what made you realize this?

And why now? And she basically said that she felt like I didn't really 'know' her and that I didn't want to know her. I thought this was ridiculous! I know everything about her! I know her favorite color, movie, and song, I know her favorite food, I can read her body language extremely well! I DO know her, we've been together for years!

She said a few more things and apparently, she's been thinking over our relationship since that fight happened a year ago. She said it was 'eye-opening' for her, and that when I let her see the post and she looked through all the comments, she realized things about me that she had swept under the rug for years and blown off as one-time issues.

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She went on a whole schpiel about all these things she had realized about me and how she didn't think we should be together anymore. I don't even know what she means. I think I zoned out for most of her rant because I was so blindsided and hurt by this that I was trying not to break down in tears.

I offered to go to couples counseling and individual counseling but she said it was too late and that I should have done that/offered that a year ago when this all blew up. I don't even know what to do now, and I think it's a bit unfair for her to put all of that on me.

Just because I didn't think of therapy after a minor disagreement A YEAR AGO I'm no longer someone she wants to marry? Thats insane. I don't know what to do. How can I get her to give me another chance to see that I still love her and we can make this work? What can I say to make her change her mind? I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.

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Love can falter when cultural roots are ignored. This couple’s breakup stems from a year-old argument where the man criticized his fiancée’s parenting, specifically her cultural practices, revealing a deeper ignorance of her Mexican heritage. His apology smoothed things over temporarily, but her discovery of Reddit’s blunt feedback exposed his pattern of dismissing her identity. Her decision to end the engagement reflects a loss of trust, not a sudden whim.

Cultural insensitivity in relationships is a silent dealbreaker. A 2021 study by the Journal of Family Issues found that 62% of interracial couples cite cultural misunderstandings as a significant stressor (soucre). His missteps—calling a quinceañera a “sweet sixteen,” correcting her family’s pronunciation of their daughter’s name, or banning her music—signal disrespect, intentional or not. Relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, says, “Respecting a partner’s cultural identity is an act of love. Ignoring it builds walls” (soucre). His failure to engage with her heritage, even after her pleas, eroded her confidence in their future.

This reflects a broader issue: the emotional labor of educating a partner. Women of color, like Lola, often bear the burden of explaining their culture, which can feel like begging for respect. His “zoning out” during her explanation of grievances only deepened the rift, showing a lack of emotional presence. While he now sees his faults, her exhaustion suggests years of unaddressed pain.

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Advice: He should start with individual therapy to unpack his cultural blind spots and rebuild self-awareness. Learning Spanish and Mexican traditions, as he plans, is a good step for co-parenting, but he must show consistent effort without expecting reconciliation. Couples counseling could help them co-parent amicably, but he must respect her decision.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit users didn’t hold back, with one joking, “Zoned out during her breakup speech? That’s the problem in a nutshell!” Here’s what they said:

[Reddit User] − I don't even know what she means. I think I zoned out for most of her rant. I seem to have identified the problem. The things you say you 'know' about her are things you learn about someone on the first date. When she says you don't know her, she pretty clearly means that you don't UNDERSTAND her on a deep level and she feels like you don't care enough to bother.

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That seems to be reinforced by the fact that while she was giving you the exact information you'd need to solve this issue, you zoned out and focused entirely on how you felt. It also sounds like the argument a year ago was not nearly as inconsequential as you're making it seem. You describe what you said as 'incredibly offensive' and 'when this all blew up.'

Sounds to me like that was a huge fracturing point in your marriage and instead of addressing it, you swept it under the rug and are now shocked it's resurfacing. You were happy because she dropped it, but you never did the work to repair the damage your words caused. On top of that you're calling her insane because she's not accepting your desperate ditch attempt to keep her now that you realize you may actually face real consequences.

Go to individual therapy. Work on yourself. It's unlikely but possible that she may come around if she sees that you are willing to put in the effort to be a better man and partner regardless of whether or not it gets you what you want. Ultimately though, if she's done she's done. The best thing you can do is be respectful through the divorce process and focus on being a good coparent. You cannot force her to give you another chance.

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Bubbly_Performer4864 − You zoned out on her explaining why she’s done with the relationship, of course you don’t know why she’s done!

Separate_Kick3186 − I remember you OP.... https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/aLHc8auIsT

SugarGlitterkiss − 'Zoned out'?. 'Rant'?. 'Insane'?. Gtfoh Ask her if there's anything you can do to change her mind. Then actually listen. If there's not, you need to accept it and find a lawyer.

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thewineyourewith − You still don’t get it. It’s your overall attitude that’s the problem, not some one off incident. You made multiple comments on the last post saying, but she doesn’t even LOOK Mexican!, as if that means she shouldn’t care about her culture.

You whitewashed her and your kids. In this post you complain that she never told you your attitude bothered her. It is not a POC’s job to educate white people about how not to be r**ist. She has probably spent the last year putting two and two together and realized that you don’t understand and you don’t particularly care to understand.

FlipRoot − What do you mean why? She literally told you. Move on.

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bob_apathy − She’s done. Counseling a year ago would have failed. The fact you disrespected her culture and only admitted you were wrong after Reddit users pointed it out says a lot. That fight opened her eyes to the type person you are and she doesn’t like that person.. Co-parent and fix yourself.

findthyself90 − My husband taught me how to eat soup and all sorts of stuff with tortilla which you make into a pocket. I do it too. Also it’s very normal to eat with your hands in many parts of the world. It seems like you aren’t interested in her culture. Did she not eat tortillas around you the 5 years leading up to this? Or teach you how she eats them so you could try it? It’s an odd hill to die on.

[Reddit User] − So you made r**ist and offensive comments about your wife and her culture…. Yikes that is taking a jab at the core of a person intentional or not. The alarming piece here is this “ I thought things were back to normal after all of that.” 🤣 you’re as dense a board if you think making a racial comment towards your wife and apologizing will mean your relationship goes back to normal.

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That “normal” no longer existed after some dumb s**t like that. You see when someone makes racial/racially insensitive comments and has no follow up with culture awarness,education and appreciation. All your showing your wife is that you are willfully ignorant, classist and simple minded.

Knowing someones fav color,body language, fav food are all great things. But knowing, understanding and appreciating someones culture is a love so rich and deep. You don’t offer that and it looks like your wife woke up and realized she wanted and deserved that.

Also i’m not sure there is anything you can do if this is your mindset:” Just because I didn't think of therapy after a minor disagreement A YEAR AGO”. This obviously wasn’t a minor disagreement and the fact you still refer to it as such while claiming it’s unfair is pathetic. This disagreement shook the foundations of your marriage, the willful ignorance that you continue to display destroyed it.

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Let this be a lessons educate yourself on culture practices, be there to teach your kids and uphold those for them. Get therapy and work on yourself as an individual. This is no minor incident and until you can take accountability for the depth of damage done, there is no changing her mind.

[Reddit User] − A 'small fight/disagreement' where you attacked her parenting? She says you don't know her and don't want to know her, bit you're not sure what else she said because you *zoned out during the conversation*?!?!?! Um. OP, you're so obtuse it reads like a spoof! Get couples counseling, not to get back together but to learn how to coparent together.

These takes are sharp, but do they oversimplify the issue? Is he oblivious, or was the fight a symptom of deeper flaws?

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This man’s story is a heart-wrenching lesson in how love can crumble when cultural respect is missing. His fiancée’s exit, sparked by a year-old fight, reveals that small slights can fester into dealbreakers. As he faces co-parenting and self-reflection, his journey underscores the power of listening—truly listening—to a partner’s heart. What would you do if a single argument reshaped your relationship? Drop your thoughts below and keep the conversation alive.

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