My (M27) autistic wife (F24) has become obsessed with joining the military

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A quiet evening in a cozy military town home, where the hum of a toddler’s lullaby usually reigns, has turned into a battleground of wills. A young wife, her eyes alight with a newfound passion for the Navy, pores over military TikToks, while her husband watches, heart sinking, sensing their perfect life teetering. This isn’t just a whim—it’s a clash of dreams and duties, with a two-year-old daughter caught in the middle.

Her autism fuels intense fixations, but this one feels like a tidal wave, threatening to sweep away their stable world. He’s the provider, she’s the creative spirit, yet her sudden call to serve has him questioning everything. Readers feel the weight of his fear and her determination, wondering how a family balances love, ambition, and the unpredictability of neurodiversity in this heartfelt tug-of-war.

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‘My (M27) autistic wife (F24) has become obsessed with joining the military’

my wife has autism and often gets hyper fixated on things, her latest obsession is joining the military and we are actively fighting about it. So to preface we have been married 2 years and have a two year old daughter together.

My wife has autism, she was diagnosed last year but has struggled with feeling different her whole life. She often gets fleeting obsessions that she fixates on but this feels different. I work in finance and make more than enough money to support our family, she works part time making floral arrangements from home simply because she enjoys it, but I’ve always considered myself the sole provider.

Lately she has become absolutely obsessed with joining the military, specifically the Navy. She spends practically all of her spare time watching military movies, browsing military subreddits, and watching military TikTok’s. We are from a large military town so the majority of her friends are army wives, but she has a lot of online friends on discord that are also enlisted or military spouses.

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I consider myself to be a very level headed and reasonable person, but I absolutely do not want my wife enlisting. I firmly believe this is just one of her hyper fixations and the second she gets bored of it she will want out. I don’t want her signing a four year military contract and then getting bored of it within a few weeks.

Our daughter is a major mamas girl and extremely attached to my wife, to the point where she gets separation anxiety being away from her for any amount of time. My wife has asked my MIL if she would be willing to care for our daughter while she goes away to boot camp, and is doing extreme workouts to ‘prepare herself’.

A few days ago I tried to approach her about this, and told her I don’t want her joining the navy or any military branch. We own a home, have a beautiful daughter and a great life. She has everything she could possibly want and this whole thing feels like a giant slap in the face.

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She became extremely defensive and upset and insists this is what she wants. I’m just so stumped. I truly do not understand why she is doing this. How would you deal with this? I don’t know how to approach her without seeming like a complete and utter a**hole.

Navigating a partner’s bold life choice can feel like steering a ship through a storm. The husband faces a wife whose autistic hyperfixation on the Navy challenges their family’s harmony. She’s driven, preparing rigorously, while he sees a risky whim, fearing for their daughter’s stability. His protective stance clashes with her need for purpose, creating a standoff where both feel unheard.

This tension reflects broader issues of autonomy in neurodiverse relationships. A 2020 study in Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders notes that autistic individuals often seek intense interests to find meaning, yet partners may misread these as fleeting (Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders). Her military drive might stem from craving structure, not just escapism, but the rigid demands of service could overwhelm her sensory needs.

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Dr. Tony Attwood, a leading autism expert, states, “Hyperfixations can be a powerful motivator, but require careful channeling to avoid distress” (The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome). Here, her fixation might signal unfulfilled aspirations beyond motherhood. The husband’s dismissal risks stifling her identity, yet his concerns about contracts and separation are valid. Couples therapy could help them align goals, exploring alternatives like volunteering or part-time training programs.

To move forward, they should set a six-month preparation period, researching military life’s realities together, including sensory challenges (Military OneSource). This respects her drive while addressing his fears, fostering compromise. Open dialogue, not ultimatums, will guide them to a solution that honors both their needs and their daughter’s well-being.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The Reddit crew dove into this family saga with gusto, serving up a mix of empathy, skepticism, and practical tips. It’s like a lively coffee shop debate where everyone’s got a take, and no one’s holding back. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

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HatsAndTopcoats − Thought experiment: Let's say that she agrees to hold off on any military commitments for six months. She spends the next six months training herself, researching, and otherwise preparing, and her dedication never wavers: all indications are that this is what she really wants to do.

At that point, would you support her joining, or would it still be a no-go for you? No wrong answers. I'm trying to make the point that it's not clear from this post whether your opposition is because you don't want a wife in the military, or because you think she'll change her mind, or both.

And I think it'll really help your approach to this if you can be specific about that. You should *not*, for example, tell her you'll support her enlisting if she still wants to do it in six months if that's not true.

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gothamsnerd − Would the Navy reserves be an option for her? Sort of scratch that itch, without a full time commitment?. Does she realize that she will have to comply with orders, all the time, without follow up questions? .

If she makes a commitment, but gets 'the ick' 6 months in, is she going to be OK following through on her contract? Honestly it sounds to me like she's not fulfilled. Motherhood and a part time job may not be enough for her, and joining the military may feel like a shortcut onto other things. 

Broadcast___ − It sounds like she needs a purpose beyond motherhood. Maybe present her with other options like volunteering or going back to school?

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JS6790 − Honestly, she probably wouldn't even make it. They are specific about who they are willing to take in. If it affects her in her day-to-day life she wouldn't pass the exams. You have to have a discussion with her about that and any other potential issues. Many young people today wouldn't qualify.

stupidpplontv − as a fellow autistic woman - has she considered the sensory aspects of something like that? will she have enough space if she’s overstimulated? what if the food is not to her taste? what if her peers are awful? what if her uniform is uncomfortable? she needs to think these things through.

at home she has control over her environment. she will have no control at work. this is serious, necessary logistical planning for neurodivergents. and to be totally clear - i’m not saying she couldn’t potentially thrive in such a situation. maybe she would. but serious consideration is called for.

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sparklekitteh − Autism Spectrum Disorder is considered a 'disqualifying condition' for military service per the DoD.. I agree with the other comments saying it may be helpful to find something that will scratch that itch and give her an identity beyond 'mom.'

Can she sign up to lead a scouting troop? Sign up for crossfit or join a gym that does bootcamp workouts? Maybe she'd be interested in joining a historical reenactment group that focuses on military history? If you're near a body of water, is there a group that meets up to go boating?

HourAcanthisitta7970 − As a ND adult, she is using this hyperfixation as escapism from real life. The reality is, if the societal aspect of college (for an engineering degree no less) was too much, she will never make it through basic training. You need to figure out a way to ride out this hyperfixation before she commits to something she can't get out of.

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I'd recommend therapy as a couple plus a 6 month timeline. Frame it as six months to train plus time as a family to plan for something life changing and learn skills to help your daughter cope with the trauma of her mother leaving. I'd bet money that she loses interest before the six months are up.

yowen2000 − She has everything she could possibly want and this whole thing feels like a giant slap in the face. Whether she has everything she wants is not for you to say and it feels like it's coming from a place of 'I pay for a nice home and a (on paper) great life, so she should be happy', I get that you very likely mean well, but it's coming off like there is at least a tinge of that attitude, whether it's intentional or not.

However, that's not me saying that joining the military is the right choice for her. As you said, it very well could be a fixation.. Is she in any kind of treatment for her autism? Is she in therapy? How severe is it?. Especially to that last point, they may not even let her in.

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Skittlejs33 − I met plenty of highly functioning autistic people in the military, can't say their lives were any better for joining though.

maroon_sweater − I am an autistic woman who spent eight years in the military. It will be absolute hell for her. All the stuff about reliance on peers, social punishment and judgment, unspoken rules, and dominance hierarchy b**lshit that neurotypicals do that already makes life pointlessly hard is cranked up to 11 and it is relentless and inescapable.

Also it will be worse on her because she's a female and old (her peers will be 18). Dissuade her if at all possible. Edit: as for you, 'she has everything she could possibly want' - knock that b**lshit off. She's looking for a higher purpose through meaningful labor and service. You're missing something.

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These Redditors weighed in with sharp insights, from questioning her readiness to suggesting creative outlets. Some cheered her ambition; others warned of military life’s harsh realities. But do these hot takes capture the full picture, or are they just stirring the pot? One thing’s clear: this couple’s crossroads has sparked a lively discussion.

This couple’s story is a poignant reminder that love often means navigating uncharted waters together. Her military dream, fueled by autism’s intensity, challenges their family’s rhythm, while his resistance reflects a deep desire to protect what they’ve built. Finding balance requires listening, patience, and creativity—qualities that make relationships resilient. Readers, what would you do if a loved one’s bold ambition shook your world? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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