My [M26] wife [F26] isn’t happy

In a cozy new home, a 26-year-old man pours his heart into saving his marriage, only to hear his wife confess she’s not in love—just fond of him as a great roommate. Six years after falling hard for each other, their spark has dimmed, with intimacy gone and her efforts to fix things barely there. Despite his hustle—cooking, cleaning, and devouring marriage books—she’s checked out, leaving him lost.

This Reddit saga dives into a young couple’s struggle with fading love and mismatched commitment. As he battles to reignite their bond, can he bridge the gap, or is their marriage slipping away?

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‘My [m26] wife [f26] isn’t happy’

My wife and I met close to 6 years ago. Crazy over each other and really intimate. After we got engaged the intimacy started to die down and a couple months before the wedding my wife cut of all s**ual acts stating she wanted to wait until we got married. After getting married that didn’t change.

She stated she just didn’t have the hormones she had when we were young and crazy and her s**ual drive just wasn’t there. I also thought it could be related to her weight gain(self esteem issues), but I just said as long as nothing was wrong with us I can live with it.

The first year of marriage turned out to be terrible. A lot of arguments and disagreements. She got a job offer where she had to leave 2 hours away for training and ended up being there for months and making no effort to come back home. She eventually told me she wasn’t happy.

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She said she felt like I was not holding my wait around the house and she always had to tell me what to do. So I really worked on changing and managed to contribute a lot more around the house(laundry, cleaning, cooking, and so on). Things drastically changed and it seemed to be back to normal and even better. Still not really intimate.

The second year came around and we seemed to be continuing to do well. We got involved in activities together and didn’t really fight much at all. The only problem was she wanted to move. She had a lot of bad memories from the area she grew up in and wanted to get away from there. So we agreed to move and she wanted to move back to my hometown. So we did.

We ended up moving in with my parents for a couple months to save up and look for a house. It wasn’t easy because obviously we are living in someone else’s house and trying to abide by their living styles. My wife and step mom weren’t vibing well because my step mom said she didn’t contribute around the house like everyone else and was lazy.

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After about 3 months total we ended up moving out and into a house we bought together. After about a month in the house her father flew up with her niece to stay and visit. Well coronavirus hit and they ended up staying for a month and a half because they couldn’t get flights back.

It was fine, but we weren’t very intimate while her father was here. I expected that. Anyways her father finally finds a flight back, but her niece ends up staying here for a couple months so we can watch her while her father works. I agreed to it, but it did put some stress into our marriage. Nothing seemed wrong though. We still weren’t fighting and just seemed like we were working through things together.

Well about three weeks ago my wife sits me down and says she is unhappy and doesn’t fee in love, but she loves me. She feels like we are just great roommates and can get stuff done. She doesn’t like that we aren’t intimate and she feels like she we just don’t have a romantic connection.

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I’m puzzled because I addressed that shortly after we were married and when I brought that up she said she just didn’t realize it until now. On top of that I am always taking her out on dates and spending time with her. So it wasn’t like I neglected that romantic part of our relationship. So we agreed to get some marriage books and try that. If that doesn’t work move to counseling.

We got the books about a week ago. I’ve been reading and learning new things to apply, but when I talked to her about things we can try she gets defensive and says things like “you think you’re the guru now” and when I asked her if she has read any of the book she said she hasn’t been reading.

She said she doesn’t even feel like fixing things. She doesn’t know what she wants to do. I keep telling her I can put 110% percent into this, but if she doesn’t put any effort into it our marriage will continue to fail. I’m just so confused. I have been working so hard and putting forth so much effort.

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I work from home, I do 80% of the house work, cook the meals, take care of our niece, take care of the pets, pay the bills, read through these marriage books, and still make time for her when she gets home to try and fulfill her needs. I don’t know what else to do

Can someone give me guidance? I feel like I am being a great spouse, but am I just blind to my own short comings? I really want to fix it and will do whatever it takes.. Thank you for taking time to read through all this and help!

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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This husband’s relentless effort clashes with a painful reality: his wife’s emotional withdrawal. Her admission of feeling like roommates signals a deeper disconnect, possibly rooted in unresolved issues. Dr. John Gottman, a marriage expert, notes, “Lack of emotional engagement often predicts marital failure, as one partner’s disinterest starves the relationship” (Journal of Family Psychology). Her refusal to read marriage books or engage suggests avoidance, perhaps tied to depression or past trauma from her hometown, as she hinted.

The intimacy drought, starting pre-wedding, is a red flag. A 2023 study found 15% of young couples face sexual disengagement due to stress or mental health issues (Archives of Sexual Behavior). Her training stint away and family stressors—like living with his parents or hosting her niece—likely compounded the strain. His adaptability (chores, moving, dates) shows commitment, but her lack of reciprocity is troubling.

Couples therapy, not self-help books, is the next step, offering a neutral space to uncover her feelings. He should gently press for individual counseling for her, as Reddit suggests, to address potential depression. Setting a timeline for progress—say, three months—could clarify if she’s willing to try. If not, he may face a tough choice about staying.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s split, with some urging him to walk away and others pushing for counseling to dig deeper. Here’s the community’s raw take, packed with tough love and hope.

OwlOfC1nder − Maybe you are a great spouse and she isn't. IMO you got married far too young and now you are learning why that isn't wise. Youve made it pretty clear that she's not interested in fixing things so is this effort on your part really worth it? She doesn't love you bro, find someone who does.

rosiedoes − You are 26 years old. Get the hell out of this marriage and go be happy, you've got your whole life ahead of you - don't waste it trying to make things work with someone who isn't in live with you, doesn't want to be intimate with you and seems to have been manipulating you since before you even married her.

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x_smurfy_x − Honestly, I think this is a wife problem, not a you problem. I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling it may help delve a bit deeper into what and why your wife is feeling the way she is in a neutral environment. It seems like you are doing what she has asked and what you can to try and get the relationship on track but I think professional help would be advantageous.

[Reddit User] − There's a lot to unpack here man. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough. I've been where you are, but I've spent most of my relationship working because my spouse doesn't want to work 'because it is stealing her motherhood' or if she gets a job it doesn't last long and it's generally minimum wage work.

And, unlike you guys, we have doesn't years and years fighting over the same old garbage. It's exhausting. I, like you, feel like I'm pulling most of the weight because my wife basically does the minimum house work to keep us going. A load of laundry, cook a meal, do the dishes as needed, and I've learned to deal with it or do it myself.

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A couple of years ago I started to disconnect from her. I wanted a divorce, but she convinced me to stay. She got a job- complained about it constantly- and I started to do even more housework, while going back to school, and working two jobs. Still wasn't enough. She had an affair. Can you believe that crap?

Anyway, we are still together, still fighting about the same old crap. But I had an epiphany the other day, and to be frank it sounds like your wife may have the same problem. The problem isn't you, it's her. There's a void in her that can't be fixed by you because your not the problem.

You have done more for her than she has for you and she still finds a problem with you. Unfortunately though, that puts you in a quandary. You have to answer the question, do you want to help figure it out or do you want to go? If your reaching out here, I'd venture to say you want to keep going.

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I hope you do. I don't regret any time I've spent trying to make it work with my wife. You didn't get into marriage because you thought it was just for a few years, you know? Relationships aren't easy and always, always, one party is pulling more weight than the other.

But, when it gets skewed the way yours has something needs to be done. Marriage books aren't going to solve this, she needs counseling. Be supportive of her going individually and with you as well. But encourage her to go no matter what. It may be difficult. Hell, it will definitely be difficult, but it's worth it.

Also, be prepared to deal with the fact that you can't fix her and if she's unwilling to do anything about it than your marriage will likely fail. But, comfort yourself with the fact you did all you could and don't give up easily. Anybody you value high enough to marry is worth going through hell for. I wish you the best man.

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blumoon138 − I’m not going to lie, it sounds like you have done everything you can, except encourage your wife to step up to the plate. She sounds like there’re is something very wrong with her and that’s what’s causing her to put in so little effort and also be uninterested in you. Maybe depression? I don’t know. But the next step is couples’ therapy for you both and individual for her.

empressbunny − I'm sorry to say that it sounds like your marriage died around you, not necessary because of something you or she did, but more about what the both of you didn't do. If she isn't willing to put in the work, effort, time and energy to rekindle a flame, it's useless.

I don't think you were blind to your own shortcomings, but it sounds like you were blind to signs of your marriage dying. Intimacy dying is not something you should just accept. It's a problem that needs to be addressed, and if it can't be fixed between two people, a third as mediator or counsel should be called in.

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Your wife not putting in any effort to spend time with you and rather living away from you is a huge red flag that should have been addressed. Her telling you years later that you don't pull your weight around the house is a huge red flag. Your wife must have communication issues, since she obviously brings up things a long time after they have happened, so it's accumulated resentment, anger and disappointment.

Then issues become much harder to heal and overcome. You obviously have been incredibly passive. No clear disagreements is not doing well. Doing well is when you are both excited to see each other, spend time with each other and share your lives together. Doing well is having a great s** life or building a great s** life. Doing well is knowing your wife is happy. Doing well is knowing you are happy. Tell me, when is the last time you did well? I'm guessing years ago.

[Reddit User] − Please be wary of the responses that have turned your wife into a manipulator out for your joint property or accuse her of weaponizing s**. There are several factors that can affect intimacy/s** drive (depression, anxiety/stress, past s**ual trauma, self-esteem issues).

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Apart from intimacy, though, it does not seem like she is putting in the effort that you are. As many are saying, I would seek professional counseling to sort this out straight away. Self-help books, in my opinion, are not the answer for you two as they won’t address the root issue of your problem.

You deserve answers as to why your wife is unhappy because it definitely isn’t your fault, and I think a mediator can help get you those answers/open up a dialogue between your and your wife. It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to be an attentive partner so I hope counseling will bring you some clarity and reconciliation.. I wish you the best!

CruJonesRadRacing − You have a golden opportunity to get out now relatively easily (no kids). Why would you want to spend a single minute with somebody who doesn't want to be with you?

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omninode − I’m just going to be blunt because it sounds like you’re in denial about your situation. The time for counseling was when your new fiancée didn’t want to touch you. That is not normal. It’s possible she has some kind of psychological

or hormonal issue preventing her from feeling s**ual, but frankly, it’s not your job to convince her of that. If she is unwilling or unable to work on it (and it’s pretty clear she is) you need to move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants you.

Pumpkinbeanzz − Try sitting down again and really try to get to the root of this. You said your wife had some trauma that she wanted to move away from. Could this be causing her to be less confident in herself as a wife thus affecting y’all’s intimacy?

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A lot of people get frustrated with their shortcomings and get even more frustrated seeing things that remind them of it. I’d reassure her how you are there for her and advise her to read the books and take this more seriously.

If after couples therapy the problems continue (where she and you are both clearly unhappy) then it may unfortunately be time for a break or maybe even to just divorce.. I’m hoping that you two will mend this and grow stronger through this period of uncertainty!❤️

These opinions sting, but do they miss her side? Is counseling the answer, or is it time to let go?

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This young husband’s all-in effort to save his marriage hits a wall with his wife’s heartbreaking confession: the love’s gone. With books failing and her effort flat, he’s at a crossroads. What would you do—double down on therapy or start preparing for a life apart? Share your thoughts below and let’s unpack this emotional rollercoaster!

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] My (M26) wife (F26) is not happy
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