My husband shouts at the kids (5f / 3m) and is always threatening consequences that are too harsh. How far is too far to let it go on?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

The dinner table should be a haven, but for a mother of two, it’s a battleground. Her husband’s shouts—threatening their 5-year-old daughter with eviction for banging a spoon or skipping her Father’s Day event for dawdling—echo through their home, leaving tears and fear. Her gentle parenting soothes the kids, but his volatility drowns her efforts, leaving her anxious and questioning their marriage. Their 3-year-old son’s pleas for hugs and withheld poops signal deeper wounds.

This isn’t just a parenting clash; it’s a crisis of safety and love for young hearts. Her struggle to protect her children while navigating her husband’s refusal to change resonates with anyone facing a partner’s harmful behavior. Readers may feel her dread, wondering when “too far” becomes unbearable and what it takes to break the cycle.

ADVERTISEMENT

‘My husband shouts at the kids (5f / 3m) and is always threatening consequences that are too harsh. How far is too far to let it go on?’

My husband is always shouting at them, for doing what I’ll say are regular kids being kids things - threatening them with consequences where the punishment doesn’t match the crime. e.g. 1. Miss 5 is banging on the table instead of eating dinner. His response “stop banging on the table or you can find another house to live in”.

She starts crying. I can’t possibly let her think that’s the case, so I jump in and say “if you keep banging the table I can go and get your high chair and you can use that for a week until you’re ready to eat at the table properly. What do you want to do?”. Guess what. Banging stops.

2. Miss 5 is messing around before bed and won’t put her pyjamas on. His response “that’s it, if you’re going to behave like this I’m not coming to your Father’s Day party at school”. Again, I can’t possibly let her think that’s the case so I tell her to say goodnight to daddy as I'm putting them to bed.

ADVERTISEMENT

She shouts down the stairs “are you still coming to Father’s Day Daddy?”. 3. Mr. 3, while very strong willed and vocal, is very sensitive. Whenever his Daddy is telling him off now his response is to “hug me daddy!” with the response he gets as “no, I don’t want to hug you”.

In front of my son, I tell his Dad, no you give him a hug because it looks like his soul is breaking. I’m often getting him ask me “do you love me Mummy” even though I tell him this 100 times a day and am always kissing and cuddling him.

He is also holding in poo for days and not letting it out even in a nappy  (since we started toilet training), and I am wondering how much of it is caused by a volatile home. Last night was cowering on my knee after daddy yelled at him for not putting his pjs on after bathtime.

ADVERTISEMENT

I find it really difficult to let my kids by treated this way when I am there also. I find myself often standing up for them (when its things as 'harsh' as the above). To them it would look like we are arguing I'm sure, and absolutely clear we are not on the same page.

Anyway, when I told my husband (again) tonight his consequences are not reasonable I was told “well what you’re doing isn’t working”. I have spent so much time researching parenting methods and can usually get my kids to behave without raising my voice, it might take 3 minutes instead of 1 but i feel talking to them and explaining earns respect.

When Dad is around it’s getting to the point that shouting at them is the only way they will listen. I just don’t get the same behaviour from them. My husband seems to think kids need to be disciplined or shouted at to get into line. It might take me 3 more minutes to get them to comply, but usually we dont repeat the disobedience again.

ADVERTISEMENT

Our daughter gets angry and shows her teeth back at him when he gets angry and i can just see her turn toxic. I have sent my husband numerous parenting podcasts, clips etc. all very engaging and interesting ones - very curated to spark his interest. I don’t think he’s looked at even one of them.

I’ve explained which methods I use / think are most effective and why - I’ve explained I came from a house where love was withheld and it’s not ok, im still damaged from it - nothing changes. He came from a house where everyone was screaming. He has time to chitchat to his mates while driving between jobs, but can’t listen to a podcast.

Can watch his shows on tv at night but can’t absorb some parenting methodologies that will make our lives happier. I offer him time and time again to find me some research that suggests his way is okay - if its there i will read it. He's either in fun play-play-play Daddy mode or screaming Daddy mode.

ADVERTISEMENT

I’m at the point now where I can’t even drag myself out of bed in the morning cos I feel it’s minutes or seconds until someone is shouting. I can’t even do basic tasks at home without feeling like I’m walking in circles in a stress response.

I can’t even think about how to get the kids to behave in my usual ways because I am so anxious he’s going to be jumping in and screaming at them. I tell him to leave the kids to me, and within 5 minutes or less he's jumping in shouting at them over the top of the 'negotiation' I currently have underway with them and it just completely undermines everything I've been working on.

I don't want to take the kids out in public with him or have friends over - because i find it all embarassing. I find myself continuously making excuses for his behaviour. I tell myself he's tired from work, he's cooking dinner, give him a break. We share the household tasks, he often cooks, we share the finances, but I do not want to raise my children this way.

ADVERTISEMENT

I have lost pretty much all respect for him and I have no interest in having a conversation with him about anything. I didn't come from a broken home. So I ask - what is better for the life of a child - Mum and Dad together, dealing with the above - or the instability that will no doubt come from being raised primarily in a single parent household / split household?

A child’s misbehavior shouldn’t spark threats of abandonment. The husband’s yelling and extreme consequences—like telling a 5-year-old to find another home—cross into verbal abuse, terrifying his children. The mother’s gentle, effective methods contrast sharply, but his interference undermines her, fostering fear. The 3-year-old’s distress—seeking hugs, withholding poop—signals trauma, while the 5-year-old’s anger mirrors her father’s. Her exhaustion and lost respect for him highlight a breaking point.

Verbal abuse in childhood can alter brain development, with 1 in 5 children exposed showing anxiety or behavioral issues (Child Mind Institute). Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, a pediatrician, notes, “Chronic stress from verbal abuse can disrupt emotional regulation, impacting lifelong health” (Center on the Developing Child). The husband’s refusal to engage with parenting resources exacerbates the harm.

ADVERTISEMENT

The mother must prioritize her children’s safety. A clear ultimatum—seek therapy or face separation—may jolt him. Documenting incidents, as Redditors suggest, strengthens her case for custody if needed. Individual therapy for her and play therapy for the kids can heal wounds. Consulting a family lawyer discreetly can prepare her for next steps, ensuring a stable, nurturing home.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit crew stormed in like a protective village, raging at the husband’s abuse and urging the mother to act fast. It was a fiery mix of empathy and alarm, with users sharing their own scars from volatile homes. Here’s their unfiltered take:

Princess-She-ra − Your three year old son is showing signs of distress (which can be caused by other factors like school etc but sounds like it's a direct reaction to what's going on at home). Your five year old daughter is learning his behavior.

ADVERTISEMENT

At five.. You're asking 'How far is too far to let it go on?' You've already passed that point.  Figure out your situation and get your children a safe and peaceful environment. Talk to professionals. Document as much as possible - you may need it for custody situations. 

Alternative-Item-747 − *find myself continuously making excuses for his behaviour. I tell myself he's tired from work, he's cooking dinner, give him a break. We share the household tasks, he often cooks, we share the finances, but I do not want to raise my children this way*. You're failing your children by raising them in this environment 

For2n8Witch − Hi. As a mother, I am furious. For you, and WITH you, for not absolutely shouting down that b**tard you call a husband for his verbal and mental abuse of your children.. Put your foot down! 'If you do not get help for your verbally abusive ways, this marriage will end.

ADVERTISEMENT

I will not subject our children to an abusive parent. They are AFRAID OF YOU. Do you know how many times our babies need reassurance that you DO love them, you're just an angry person? Get your head out of your ass and see what you've done to them. They're terrified of you! It's sick. I'm not putting up with this s**t any longer.

If you continue to verbally abuse, berate, and harm our children, I am done with you. This isn't a threat. This is a come-to-Jesus moment. This is your chance to be better and be the father our kids deserve; one who is gentle, patient, fun, and loving. You're a monster to them, and you're a monster in my eyes too. Until you prove you aren't, consider my bags packed.'. Something. Jesus H.

Elegant-Pressure-290 − I want you to hear something, and hear it very clearly. When I was a child, my father was abusive. He was also very mentally ill. I understand that now, and I’ve been able to forgive him *because* I know he was ill, although I do not have him in my life.

ADVERTISEMENT

My mother is not in my life either, and I find it more difficult to forgive her. Perhaps someday I’ll get there, but for now, I remember her as the normally functioning adult who allowed us to go through years of physical and mental abuse at the hands of a schizophrenic because she “didn’t want to break up the family.”

She made excuses for him, even going so far as to say, “He never hit you with his fists” when he’d chased me through the house once as a teenager with a loaded rifle. Your excuses may seem more excusable to you right now (“He doesn’t hit them,” or “It’s not *that* bad”),

but abuse is abuse, and you’re letting it happen. Your children are already developing trauma responses to it.. Your children will remember what you do, and they will remember what you didn’t do.

ADVERTISEMENT

citrushibiscus − Your husband is abusing the children, and you are complicit. He doesn’t want to change, he just wants to hurt your children. If you don’t tell him that you will leave to protect your children and follow through, you are further failing your children.

You already live in an unstable, unhealthy home, and at least if you split the kids will have actual respite and a chance of healing from this trauma.. You really think subjecting them to abuse is worse than growing up in a healthier, single parent home?

selfcheckout − My child did a complete 180 with behavior at home and school once I got my s**t together, got on a mood stabilizer, AND QUIT YELLING at her. Yelling is abusive and fucks up the wiring in their brain when they are this young it's being wired together and this will leave LASTING ISSUES. I promise you that

ADVERTISEMENT

Spac3Cad3t710 − You have no idea what crazy s**t he is spouting off when your not within earshot. This dude is gonna go over the line into physical abuse someday and then you won’t forgive yourself for letting it happen

Purple_Bowling_Shoes − or the instability that will no doubt come from being raised primarily in a single parent household / split household? This doesn't have to be true. They're already in an unstable environment and have both parents there. Their father is creating instability and fear. He won't take action to change so you have to. It won't get better. 

Jen5872 − Your husband is being abusive towards them. I'd say it has already gone too far.

ADVERTISEMENT

chameleon-queer − You're sitting by while he verbally abuses the kids and just putting band aid after band aid on the wounds.. Stop. Allowing. This. Put your children first. You've already let it go on too long.

Redditors labeled the husband’s behavior abusive, imploring the mother to shield her kids, even if it means leaving. Their urgency reflects the stakes, but does their outrage offer a clear path, or just mirror her pain?

This mother’s battle to shield her children from their father’s wrath reveals the cost of staying in a toxic dynamic. Her kids’ fear and her own despair demand action—whether through his change or her exit. Love shouldn’t mean enduring harm. Have you faced a partner’s behavior that hurt your family? How would you draw the line to protect your kids? Share your thoughts below.

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *