My husband (m29) gave me (f26) an ultimatum. Stop people pleasing or we’re getting a divorce. How do I even respond?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The bedroom was a quiet sanctuary until her husband stormed in, his face a storm cloud of frustration. For a 26-year-old pediatric oncology nurse, used to soothing others, his words cut deep: stop being a “doormat” or their marriage is over. Her tendency to please everyone—coworkers, friends, even strangers—had always been part of her charm, but now it’s a wedge threatening to split their two-year marriage. His harsh ultimatum left her reeling, unsure how to respond.

This isn’t just about one fight; it’s a raw look at how personal habits can strain love. Her shock mirrors the sting of realizing a partner’s patience has run dry. Readers might feel her confusion, wondering if her kindness is a flaw or if his delivery was the real misstep. Can a marriage survive such a breaking point?

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‘My husband (m29) gave me (f26) an ultimatum. Stop people pleasing or we’re getting a divorce. How do I even respond?’

This is my first time ever posting here and using Reddit, so please bear with me. My husband and I met 7 years ago at the same university, started dating a year after that, and have been married now for two. Other than this one issue, we get along very well and are generally really happy and good with each other.

I will admit that I do have people pleasing issues. I’m not really sure why, I think I’m just overly nice. My husband and friends have told me I can be a “doormat” to people. I always apologize first, I don’t tend to argue with people, and I have been known to go out of my way to do something not explicitly necessary.

I *know* this about myself. My husband clearly knows this about me too, as I’ve always been this way. He’s encouraged me to figure out why I’m this way, and one time a long time ago he yelled at a “friend” of mine who was taking advantage of me in that sense, but that’s about it.

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I’m also a pediatric oncology nurse at a really large hospital in a central city in my area. As you can imagine my job is pretty taxing, emotionally and physically. I recently got a new charge nurse and she’s not very nice. I complain to my husband often about it.

Last night, I was laying in bed doing like absolutely nothing. My husband comes into the room, so stressed and angry looking, and snaps at me “you need to stop being such a f*cking doormat, or I have to leave. seriously, (my name), it’s getting f*cking annoying.”

I was shocked and also confused, since we hadn’t been talking about anything like that. I asked him what he meant, and his tone did make me immediately tear up. My husband has never yelled at me like that before, blatantly rude and cursing at me.

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He rolled his eyes and told me “your job, your friends, this marriage, all you do is lay down and let people walk on you.” I said I don’t mean to do that, and I’m sorry, but he just stormed out of the room after that. He left to work so early this morning we didn’t even have a chance to talk.

He sent me a text this morning, all it said was “I’m sorry. We’re gonna talk tonight.” Like what does that even mean? I’m so distraught, I can’t believe that he yelled at me like that. What am I even supposed to say now? I mean going to therapy if that’s what he really wants me to do, but I doubt I’m gonna change. I’ve always been this way. Is my marriage doomed then?

An ultimatum like “change or we’re done” is a desperate cry, not a casual suggestion. The OP’s people-pleasing—apologizing first, bending over backward—has worn her husband thin, especially as she vents about her demanding job without setting boundaries. His outburst, though harsh, signals frustration at watching her prioritize others over herself and their marriage. Her doubt about changing, saying “I’ve always been this way,” risks deepening the rift.

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People-pleasing often stems from low self-worth, affecting 20% of adults, particularly women in caregiving roles like nursing (Psychology Today). Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist, notes, “Chronic people-pleasing erodes relationships by burying authentic needs” (People-Pleasing Behaviors). The OP’s habit may leave her husband feeling like her emotional dumping ground, as she absorbs stress from work and friends.

Therapy for herself, not just to appease him, could help her uncover why she prioritizes others’ needs. Practicing small boundaries—like saying “no” to extra shifts—can build confidence. Openly discussing how her habits affect their marriage during their talk tonight is crucial. Acknowledging his frustration while expressing her hurt over his delivery can pave the way for mutual growth.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit crew swooped in like a support group with a side of tough love, dissecting the OP’s habits and her husband’s snap. It was like a coffee shop chat turned therapy session, full of empathy and blunt advice. Here’s their candid take:

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Accomplished_Bad_879 − I have a best friend who is a people pleaser and I noticed she hates letting down anyone except for the people closest to her. She’s comfortable disappointing/saying no to her dearest loved ones but not her acquaintances or co-workers.

As a loved one, it can make it feel like you are deprioritized in their life and then you also have to watch people walk all over them to boot. I wonder, OP, if maybe you too are like this with your husband.

Zealousideal-Part-17 − You can start by going to therapy for yourself, not because that’s what he wants you to go. You just saying that (and then even suggesting you probably don’t change) would annoy me greatly as a partner. It can be pretty tiring watching the people you love not take action and be a passive player in their lives. Has something happened recently that would make him blow up?

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DevinMotorcycle666 − 'I mean going to therapy if that’s what he really wants me to do, but I doubt I’m gonna change. I’ve always been this way.'. You can change. You're making excuses.. People pleasing does NOT equal 'being nice'. Those are not the same things.

Sounds like you're being a pushover, harbouring resentment for doing too much for people who don't appreciate it, and then dumping all that negativity and resentment onto your husband 'often'. That is a relationship destroyer.

Your partner is supposed to be supportive and there for you, but that well runs dry if you keep doing it 'often' without employing any boundaries of your own to protect yourself and your energy. A common suggestion would to be to find a therapists to discuss these things with, so you're not always dumping them on your BF.. Also, I used to be an insecure people-pleaser. Therapy is how I fixed that.

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Top_Put1541 − Your post feels like it's missing so much detail. I wonder what signals and conversations you weren't paying attention to at home for your husband to have to resort to this.

[Reddit User] − Here’s what I will say; dating a people pleaser for me, is a no go, because of how s**tty it is, and how they unintentionally are incredibly manipulative. By that I mean, they will bend over backwards to you at the very beginning, then get resentful when you don’t, tie themselves into knots for random strangers,

and inconvenience themselves AND YOU, their partner… and when you date a ppl pleaser you end up thinking to yourself that you want to be a safe space for them, but what ends up happening is that they still show up for everyone else - bend over backwards, in fact- but they won’t for you because you’re the one person they feel that they trust enough to be able to let down. . So they do. Constantly. It’s exhausting.

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kgberton − I mean going to therapy if that’s what he really wants me to do, but I doubt I’m gonna change. I’ve always been this way.. This attitude is a bad omen for your therapy

WeirdPinkHair − What if every day your husband came home and moaned about the same s**t that is fixable if he'd stop letting life happen to him and actually do something about it i.e. stand up for himself? After years of it you'd get sick to death of it.

He's probably encouraged you to stand up for yourself for years, been your cheerleader for years.. he's had enough cause clearly you don't want to change. You said therapy won't change you. You are quite content to be a doormat and moan and let others take advantage but as you're a 'people pleaser' it's never your fault.

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You says it's everyone else taking advantage .... when you can see this but don't want to change and just accept that that's who you are... you are the problem not others. Its not taking advantage if you're ok with them doing it and accept its who you are. It's like drawing a bullseye on yourself, taking a walk through a firing range and then blaming the people who shot you!

RandomReddit9791 − Being nice and supportive is one thing. You've been described as a doormat. That's something totally different and often is caused by some underlying issue. Therapy should help you identify the issue(s) and teach you how to assert yourself a bit more..  

nannerdooodle − One of my best friends is a people pleaser, and I've seen how it hurts her and her husband's relationship. I am also in a relationship with a people pleaser, and am a recovering one myself.. Ask yourself the following questions:

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1. How many times have you bottled up all the bad feelings at work and out with people, only to vent them all at your husband? 2. How many times has the solution for all your issues been 'just say no' or 'make your needs known', but you refused to do it?

3. How many times has your husband asked your opinion on something, but even when you had an opinion, you just went along with what he suggested or told him to make the decision? 4. How many times have your people pleasing tendancies negatively affected your husband's life

(either via last minute changes in plans because you won't say no, taking on more work that he has to help with, your bad attitude, etc)? I bet the answer to all of these questions is 'a lot'. My guess is that your husband just snapped after it happening repeatedly, with no change from you, even if he's been asking for it.

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You can get better. You can stop people pleasing. People pleasing does not cause people to like you. It causes people to like a fake version of you, and it causes users to take everything they can from you. These are things you'd learn in therapy. But they won't make an actual change unless you want to change for yourself, not just trying to please your husband.

sanguinepsychologist − First of all, of course his behaviour here was not okay. But you’re not giving specific examples of your people-pleasing, while also admitting it is “bad”. So whatever is going on in your life is having a massively negative daily effect on your marriage and your husband’s life.

Yet you’re clearly communicating here that you aren’t willing to change. So whatever is bothering your husband, you’re expecting him to put up with this since he knew what you’re like and you’ve always been this way.. With that attitude, yes, your marriage will likely fail.

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It’s very draining being around people that can’t communicate and enforce boundaries. They share so much pent-up resentment every moment of the day that the stress *never stops*. Working a demanding job and coming home to more stress is a *never-ending nightmare*.

Now, you are a family unit. Your lack of boundaries is going to inevitably affect your husband’. It’s going to overrun HIS boundaries regarding every aspect of his daily life. You don’t have kids yet. If you want them, that’s going to affect their lives, too. You’re long overdue a long talk with your husband about your future. And it sounds like he’s mentally done with the relationship, or certainly getting there.

Redditors saw the OP’s people-pleasing as a relationship strain, urging therapy and boundaries, while some called her husband’s approach unfair. Their mix of compassion and candor raises a question: do they capture the heart of the issue, or just amplify the drama?

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The OP’s story lays bare the cost of kindness without limits, pushing her marriage to a breaking point. Her husband’s ultimatum, however harsh, is a plea for change, and her next steps—therapy, boundaries, or honest talks—could reshape their future. Have you ever faced a partner’s dealbreaker over a core trait? How would you balance self-improvement with staying true to yourself? Share your thoughts below.

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