My husband (29M) and his family disowned his mom (56F) after her affair. I (28M) didn’t . Now the emotional consequences are taking a toll on my marriage. Need advice?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy living room filled with the warmth of shared memories, a 28-year-old man faced a heart-wrenching dilemma that threatened to unravel his marriage. The soft glow of a lamp illuminated the tension as he grappled with a choice: honor a past kindness or stand by his husband’s pain. His mother-in-law, once a beacon of support during his darkest days, now stood as a family outcast after her affair shattered decades of trust. Her desperate plea for help stirred his compassion, but the fallout from his decision left his marriage teetering on the edge.

The weight of loyalty pressed heavily on him, caught between gratitude for her past care and the raw hurt of his husband and his family. This story dives into the messy, emotional terrain of family dynamics, where every choice ripples with consequences, pulling at the heartstrings of those who value both love and forgiveness.

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‘My husband (29M) and his family disowned his mom (56F) after her affair. I (28M) didn’t. Now the emotional consequences are taking a toll on my marriage. Need advice?’

I’m 28M and I’ve been with my husband (29M) for 7 years, married for almost one. This has been a genuinely good relationship. I love him deeply, and we’ve built something I’m proud of. He fits in great with my family, and I’ve always felt at home with his.

I’m close with his younger brother and his girlfriend, but the person I’ve always felt the strongest connection with is his mom. A few years back, I went through a rough depressive episode, and she was one of the only people who truly showed up for me. She didn’t treat me like “her son’s partner,” she treated me like family.

I’ve always loved her for that. I’m close with my FIL too, but with my MIL, it always felt like more of a friendship. Then, everything flipped. Just after Christmas, my FIL sat us all down and told us that she had been having an affair, and that it wasn’t the first time. He said he tried to make things work, but he couldn’t do it anymore.

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He was heartbroken, and it shattered the whole family. My husband and his brothers were crushed. They all cut contact with her, and she moved out soon after. I get it. Cheating is a betrayal, especially after decades of marriage. I’m not trying to excuse what she did.

But I also couldn’t ignore the fact that, during one of the worst times in my life, she showed me care and kindness when I felt like I had no one. That stayed with me. A few weeks ago, she reached out to me directly. She said she was running low on rent and didn’t know who else to ask.

She sounded anxious and desperate. I helped her. It wasn’t a huge amount, and she was incredibly grateful. She asked if I’d be willing to meet her for coffee. I said yes. When we met, she broke down. She told me she’d tried reaching out to her sons, but none of them responded. I listened. I didn’t try to defend her or fix anything.

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I just tried to be there for her, the way she once was for me. Later that evening, I told my husband about it. He completely lost it. He said I betrayed him and went behind his back, and he left the house. The next day, I tried to explain where I was coming from. I told him I wasn’t trying to choose sides.

I just reacted to someone I care about being in a tough spot. He didn’t say much, just told me not to do it again. When his brothers found out, they were disappointed in me too. They said I crossed a line and should’ve respected their decision to cut contact.

Now I feel stuck. I understand why they’re upset. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I just couldn’t turn my back on someone who once didn’t turn her back on me. I wasn’t trying to undermine their pain. I was trying to act with compassion.

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I’m not here to justify what I did, and I understand why my husband feels hurt. I acted on instinct and compassion in a tough moment, but now I feel like I’ve damaged something really important.. I’d really appreciate advice as to what to do further? How do I navigate this?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Navigating family rifts after infidelity is like walking a tightrope over a storm. The man’s decision to help his MIL, while compassionate, stirred a hornet’s nest in his marriage. His husband, reeling from his mother’s betrayal, saw the act as a breach of loyalty, while the man felt tethered to the MIL’s past kindness. Both perspectives stem from deep emotional wounds—his husband’s from betrayal, his from gratitude clashing with marital unity.

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This situation mirrors broader issues of family estrangement. According to a 2023 study by the Journal of Family Psychology, 27% of adults report estrangement from a family member, often triggered by betrayal like infidelity. The pain of severed ties can ripple across generations, complicating relationships like this one.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments, and betrayal, even unintended, can fracture it”. Here, the man’s secrecy in meeting his MIL eroded trust, amplifying his husband’s sense of betrayal. Gottman’s insight suggests that transparency could have softened the blow, aligning compassion with partnership.

To move forward, the man should prioritize open dialogue with his husband, acknowledging the hurt while explaining his intent. Couples therapy, as suggested by some Redditors, could help them rebuild trust. This story highlights the delicate balance of compassion and loyalty in relationships.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community offered a lively mix of perspectives, blending sharp critiques with thoughtful advice. Many felt the man’s compassion for his MIL was understandable but misplaced, emphasizing that his secrecy deepened his husband’s sense of betrayal.

Others urged him to prioritize his husband’s pain, viewing loyalty to a spouse as paramount in such a raw family rift. Some suggested therapy to navigate the emotional fallout, while a few empathized with his gratitude toward his MIL’s past kindness. The thread buzzed with debate, reflecting the complexity of balancing personal ties and marital unity.

No-Doubt9679 − Where you went wrong is not talking to your husband first before meeting your MIL. No matter if your decision was helping her out no matter what he said. You should have still let him know first how you feel and why. Going behind someone’s back and asking sorry later is not how loving relationships works.

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Commercial_World_834 − Probably should have talked to your husband first before going behind his back. I get you wanted to help, but he is your partner who is hurting and you deceived him just like his mother.

lknei − The difference between your tough time and her tough time is that yours was brought on by mental illness (depression) and hers is the consequences of her own actions (cheating). I get that you wanted to return the compassion she showed you but you should let sleeping dogs lie

Dry_Ask5493 − I think everyone needs therapy.

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violue − In this kind of situation, people choose sides. Especially when it's fresh. You have to remember that cutting her out isn't just about them not wanting to see her, it's also about *punishing her*. That is part of why your husband's family is angry. I won't say whether punishing is right or wrong, ostracism can be very complex.

When people in your orbit initiate something like this, your choices are to participate or to not. If you're not participating, then likely to them you are undermining their 'punishment'. I think to your husband, she's HIS mother, your relationship with her exists through him, so if she is out of his life, he expects her to be out of your life too.

I'm sure to you helping her meant that your love for her was stronger than your disappointment in her actions. For people that were more hurt by her actions, it's just going to read like condoning.. Unfortunately, we don't really get to choose how our actions impact others.

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Beyond that, you say you acted on instinct and compassion, but is that true? You make it sound like an involuntary action, that you took her call, met her for coffee where she talked about her songs not responding, and gave her money... all without thinking about how everyone else would feel about it? I don't believe that.

I think the first step is owning your actions. You either own them as a CHOICE you made that you deeply regret and wish you could change, or you own them as a choice you would make again in a heartbeat.

That means telling your husband either 'I regret meeting with your mother, I should have cared more about how it would impact you' or 'your mother means too much to me and I'm not willing to cut her out of my life'. Then I guess you go from there.

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There's no way to get out of this without hurting someone. But do remember who created this situation. It wasn't your husband or his brothers. Anyway sorry this is so long, I typed a long, completely different comment, deleted it because it was so long, and made an even longer one instead. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Enough-Pack7468 − Imagine the tough spot your husband is in. His mom, one of the people he trusted most in his life, betrayed his family. He is probably pretty messed up about this. Now he needs your support and compassion. And he probably feels like you have turned your back on him when he needs it most.

It’s understandable that you would have a soft spot for your MIL. She may have been kind to you, but there are consequences for our choices. She is an adult and understood what could happen and decided to have multiple affairs, and her relationships with her family were collateral damage. This was easily avoidable. Your husband is your partner in all things.

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You vowed to stand by him and support him. Keep your promises. Apologize to him, show him that he is most important to you, tell him you will block her, and work through this together. One day he may change his mind, but until he comes to this conclusion on his own, you should stand with him and always have each other’s backs.

Fantastic_Quarter_79 − You have to choose your husband or your MIL. You can’t have it both ways.. Your MIL made the choice to cheat and betray her family. It wasn’t a mistake or an accident!. You say you can’t turn your back on your MIL….so instead you turned your back on your husband.

EPH613 − I'm going to be honest with you - the comment section here is absolutely bonkers. You were WAY out of line, and you may have done deep damage to your marriage. I will explain myself in an edit, but I want to get this much out there before the comment section fills out too much more.

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EDIT: I have been where your husband is. My dad did almost exactly what your MIL did. I am still NC after five years. When my dad's affairs first came to light, it was not just that I lost my intact family. I lost my dad. Worse, I learned that the man I believed he had been *never existed at all.*

In his place was a stranger who cared more about getting laid than about the well-being of his child. My whole world was rocked. Nothing was untouched, and the reality is that nothing in my life ever went back to the way it was before. My life was and is cleaved in two. And in those dark, horrible days, I questioned everything.

If my dad could do this, could I believe in anyone, for anything? Maybe I was truly, genuinely alone in this world. My husband was instrumental in pulling me through. He had doubts about whether NC was wise - and honestly, it still doesn't quite sit right with him.

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But he made damn sure that I knew that if he had to choose between supporting me and supporting literally anyone else on this planet, it would be me without a second thought. He stood by me and with me through the darkest moments with absolutely no wavering.

He made me believe that some things are real again. It was the greatest gift he could give me in the deepest valley of my life. You had your moment to be that for your husband. And you gave it up. You could have come to him immediately when you got the message from his mom - it's what my husband did when my dad reached out to him.

You could have discussed it with him and made a plan together on how to address it  You could have discussed how much money, if any, to send her (and you DAMN well better have sent that money out of your personal account. If you used marital funds to pay someone else's rent without prior discussion, that's a separate, HUGE betrayal). But you didn't.

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You made unilateral decisions that you absolutely knew your husband would disagree with. That's why you didn't tell him first. You sided against him in favor of the one person who cut him more deeply than anyone else ever has. I don't know where you go from here. But I know that it starts with seeing just how deeply you screwed up and how deep the damage you did to your husband is.

nabi20n − What are you going to do if she asks for your help again? I understand that you feel indebted to her for the way she helped you, but don't give her the opportunity to ruin another marriage. Her separation has already caused enough damage.

I don't think she was so desperate as to deliberately ignore the fact that contacting her son's husband, who disowned her, would cause problems for your own marriage. . Unfaithful people are extremely selfish, and your husband's mother seems to be no exception.

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JustAsICanBeSoCruel − The betrayal is still very fresh for your husbands and his siblings - his entire life he had an image of his mother, and now it's been destroyed.. Just like you reacted emotionally (out of compassion), he is reacting emotionally (out of pain).

I would ask to have a sit down talk with your husband to make it very clear that you in absolutely no way condone cheating or what his mother did - he very well might be having a crisis and might not feel secure in any aspect of his life right now because of this huge shock.

Make it clear to him the only reason that you gave his mother money and spoke to met with her was because you felt in that moment that, after she helped you at your lowest, that it was right to give her a small hand up. Tell him you don't want him thinking you are 'on his mother's side' because that isn't what this is. You are his partner.

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You are supporting him. It was just that your knee jerk reaction to getting that call was to do something out of compassion. In the future, you will be more transparent with him so he's not caught of guard. Ultimately, your husband is going to feel how he is going to feel, but he is likely going to be reacting emotionally to things about his mother for a while. Just support him.

This tale of torn loyalties leaves us pondering the delicate dance of compassion and commitment. The man’s heart led him to help a struggling MIL, but the cost was a fractured bond with his husband. Can love and forgiveness coexist when trust is shattered? Readers, what would you do in this tangled web of family and fidelity? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this emotional rollercoaster together!

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