My GF (F35) makes much more than me (M39) and it’s causing division. What to do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a candlelit dinner, where love should spark, but instead, a couple’s bank accounts cast a shadow. For one man, his girlfriend’s towering $600k income dwarfs his $85k nonprofit earnings, turning their romance into a battleground. Her ironclad frugality—scolding his Chipotle runs and meager tips—clashes with his laid-back approach to life’s pleasures. Worse, her insistence on separate finances, even in marriage, and her dismissive jabs about his “inability” to afford kids sting deep, leaving him feeling less than.

This isn’t just a spat over dollars—it’s a raw clash of values, gender expectations, and dreams for the future. As they step into couple’s therapy, the man wonders if love can bridge this financial chasm. Let’s dive into their story and the Reddit advice that’s stirring the pot.

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‘My GF (F35) makes much more than me (M39) and it’s causing division. What to do?’

My gf (F35) makes \~600k substantially more than me (M39) at \~85k / year. . Posting from a throwaway... She’s in a career where you need a masters. My career is in a good sector with growth potential, but hard to match hers unless I also get a masters. I work two jobs and both are at non-profits. So the pay is less than the for-profit side.

She didn't pay for school so no debt or loans. We both have a lot of savings.. **Background** She wants to keep financials separate when we get married. I get people will keep money earned before marriage separate and inheritance separate, but I always thought money earned ***during*** marriage is joint and that marriage is coming together of everything.

That’s how I was brought up and my expectations. However, I'm willing to go along with her wishes. And set up a joint account. But even know before marriage it's frustrating and I'm not sure if I want to live my life like that. She is frugal to the point of it being a character defect. I am more relaxed and of the mindset that money comes and money goes - enjoy life.

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I think that if I have to put in 100% if my income to a joint account it's unfair for her to get to put in 20% and save the rest. I said if I make more (or if we switched places) I'd contribute more but she says that is easy to say and it wouldn't be true if it actually happened (whatever that means).. **The situation**

Normally when joint income is so high it’s a blessing (I would think), but it’s causing a lot of friction and resentments. Here are some examples - I hope these examples help explain the situation since I have had such a hard time writing this post. * I want 2 kids and she says I don’t make enough for 1 kid and that I can’t afford to live let alone raise a child.

She keeps referring to it as being able to afford my kid vs our hypothetical kid. * I save maybe 20% of my income and some months I break even, but I still am told I shouldn’t go to Chipotle for lunch or even use too many paper towels because they are expensive. She also gets really mad when I tip (she puts in $1.00 for a taxi and I put in 15%.

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I used to work for tips as a summer job so it's important. * She is so **VERY against the man making less** that she wants to split everything 50/50 so what I put in she puts in - not a penny more as a way to hammer home this feeling. * She keeps saying I need to look for higher paying jobs.

And I should apply to 100s a day like the house is on fire. I do apply just as I have time. I have a weekday job at a nonprofit as well as a weekend job. My therapist say I have quality, respectful employment and I should be proud of what I do. Plus I work TWO jobs so I’m not sitting around being lazy. 

She said the man should be the provider. * she wants to buy the house so it’s in her name and not both our names and I pay the taxes. (But in this scenario I’m not building any equity). When I suggest splitting the mortgage 50/50 and both being on the deed she says she wants to buy a 1mm house out of my price range (which is 700k).

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When I bring up the 700k house she says she refuses to live in a “poor area” so then the only option is to each own different percentage of the house 60/40 and I pay 40% of the mortgage and she pays 60%.

But she says that isn’t fair to her because she is taking “**MORE risk**” but I said you also get more of the upside by owning 60% (or whatever the split ends up being) when we sell it. It's like you invest more in the asset and you get more ROI when we sell. So the house thing is a standoff.. **The Root of the Problem**

The income difference is a real point of resentment for her and she uses terms like ‘I refuse to be the breadwinner’ etc. I said that couples I know, where both partners work it is never the same income. Unless you have the same job at the same company with the same benefits it will be different.

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For example, my job puts 10% of my salary into a 4013b and I have great insurance. Her job makes a lot more but benefits are less. I feel emasculated and worthless and like my jobs don’t matter. There is MORE to marriage than money.

Who cooks, who takes care of the kids who does other stuff around the house? How can a marriage be defined by the take home pay. I know people who are miserable and work all the time and it’s toxic. But perhaps, to her point, I am not making enough in this world of high cost of living.

We also live in a high cost blue state. I should make more and I am applying to 125k pay range jobs, but happy to do it slowly and not rush out of a job I like.. **Some other context** She also thinks she is poor and her parents (while very well off and have 10+ million) are the same way.

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They will take all the napkins and plastic forks from a restaurant or all the sugar packets from a diner. Or if there is cream and half and half bring cups and take it all. Just to save money on sugar, napkins and stuff. There’s being intentional on spending and cost conscious but also frugal to the point of concern.

People can exist at both ends of the spectrum. I feel like they think they are poor like anorexic people think they are fat. I want to have kids and figure out the cost as we go. I mean college isn't for 20 years. Should I adapt to her ultra frugality and try to make more money or is this relationship something that isn't going to work due to the income difference?

Like I said I thought it would be a blessing if joint income is so high. Instead it is just a cluster of fighting, anger and resentments on all sides. We are seeing a couple therapist for the first time today so any advice on what to bring up? Is this all a control thing? Thank you for any advice!

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Financial disparities can strain even the strongest relationships, and this couple’s clash over a vast income gap reveals deep-rooted tensions. The man, earning $85k, feels belittled by his girlfriend’s $600k salary and her rigid frugality, which extends to criticizing his spending and pushing for separate finances. Her insistence that he can’t afford kids and her refusal to share home equity highlight a power imbalance, leaving him emasculated and questioning their future.

Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch explains, “Money often symbolizes control, security, or worth in relationships, amplifying conflicts when values misalign”. The girlfriend’s fixation on traditional gender roles—expecting the man to be the provider—clashes with her higher earnings, creating resentment. Her frugality, possibly rooted in her wealthy yet scarcity-minded family, contrasts with his relaxed approach, fueling her controlling stance on finances.

This reflects a broader issue: financial incompatibility in modern relationships. A 2024 study by the American Psychological Association found 65% of couples cite money as a top conflict source, especially when one partner dominates financial decisions . The girlfriend’s 50/50 split demand, despite the income gap, and her refusal to view kids as a shared responsibility, skew the partnership toward inequity, undermining mutual respect.

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In therapy, Dr. Orbuch suggests focusing on shared goals: “Discuss what money means to each of you and negotiate a system that feels fair.” The couple could explore proportional contributions (e.g., 20/80 based on income) for joint expenses, ensuring both feel valued. If her rigid views persist, the man may need to weigh whether this dynamic aligns with his vision of marriage. Open dialogue, not ultimatums, will reveal if compromise is possible.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The community sees glaring incompatibility, viewing the girlfriend’s behavior as dismissive and controlling. Many highlight her disrespect—belittling his job, enforcing strict frugality, and prioritizing her wealth over partnership.

Commenters urge the man to reconsider the relationship, emphasizing that her mean-spirited attitude, not just money, is the core issue. Some suggest therapy to unpack her need for control, but most doubt the couple’s values can align.

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Noetherville − Jesus. You two are not compatible on a fundamental level. For her, life is an individual race, for you it’s a team sport. This doesn’t work. You two should at least agree on what sport you’re playing. If you’re looking for a calm and peaceful life, it’s not with her. 

a_username_8vo9c82b3 − I can barely see your post through all the red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

CrystalQueen3000 − Why stay in a relationship when you’re this incompatible?

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GODRAREA − Your post makes it seem like she doesnt care about you that much. She'd rather change you into something she wants to have than have you as you are.. Just a few rapid fires: Your job is something you should be proud of.

Your GF doesnt seem to have a solid grasp on investing. Your girlfriend is rude. Its bizarre she doesn't tip but I assume she's never actually received one. She's never walked in other shoes, her view of the world is unfortunately small.

SnooRecipes9891 − It's not just income that is different. Her expectations put you as small. If she thinks a man should make more than her, why is she with you? Strongly advice not marrying this woman, you deserve someone that can treat you like an equal no matter what you make.

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She should know that if you have a kid, the cost of the kid in child support is based on income so she would be paying you a b**t load of child support. Cost of housing should be based on income and put to a percentage, so you would be paying 20% based on her 80%. She is being unreasonable and quite frankly disrespectful. Why would you be with anyone that treats you so poorly???

[Reddit User] − You both are not compatible in financial matters. She is a career oriented woman who would focus on career and finances rather than settling down and putting money in joint (which she doesn't want to) whereas you want her to have joint account and have a family in future. I suggest you both should sit down and talk with each other about life and finances. If nothing works, breakup on an amicable note.

Sheila_Monarch − You feel emasculated because for some weird reason *that’s exactly what she’s trying to do*. I don’t know if she feels like she’s going to shame you into increasing your income by several multipliers, but that’s not how it works. She’s really being awful.

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She needs to figure out if she’s willing to be with somebody that makes less than she does or not. And it sounds like she’s made it clear, she’s not willing, but has decided she’s going to punish you for it as long as you stay with her, until you do. I make a similar multiplier (6-7x) more than my SO.

But as long as the reason for the disparity isn’t laziness or lack of effort on his part, and it is not, I’m fine with that. Our lives took different paths, that’s ok. He’s hard-working and dependable as f**k. That’s all that matters to me. Because I mean, it’s not like money is a problem.

He’s not dependent on me. He might not be able to enjoy as many fancy things and trips without me paying for them, but he’d manage just fine on his own if he had to. **Your gf is MEAN. And that’s a personality problem, not a money problem. She just happens to be manifesting her meanness on the topic of money.**

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Japanesepoolboy1817 − What does she do that she makes $600,000 a year??

tinastep2000 − $85k is decent especially for a nonprofit!

Impossible_Meeting55 − She sounds honestly kind of horrible. Like if the shoe was reversed it would be called financial abuse. The list goes on shes dismissive of you as a man and a human being. Shes snobby “the poor area” the world could do without more elitism. I don’t know how you have been able to handle it this long.

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This story of clashing incomes and bruised egos underscores how money can unravel love when values don’t align. The man’s fight to feel valued against his girlfriend’s financial dominance raises tough questions about partnership and respect. As they enter therapy, their future hangs in the balance. Share your thoughts or experiences below—how do you navigate money differences in a relationship?

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