My [F33] adult stepson [M26] seems to be becoming a NEET. I love my husband [M46] but am considering leaving. How do we fix this?

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In a quiet suburban home, a 33-year-old woman’s dream of starting a family is overshadowed by her 26-year-old stepson’s aimless existence. Living rent-free, he spends his days gaming and smoking weed, rejecting jobs and opportunities while his father wavers on tough love. As her frustration mounts, she faces a heart-wrenching choice: stay and endure or leave to reclaim her peace.

This isn’t just about a cluttered home; it’s a tale of clashing values, enabling family ties, and the toll of unmet expectations. With her husband poised to issue an eviction notice, the story asks: how do you balance love, duty, and personal limits?

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‘My [F33] adult stepson [M26] seems to be becoming a NEET. I love my husband [M46] but am considering leaving. How do we fix this?’

In 2020 my husband (m46) and I (f33) purchased a larger home and have been married for 5 years. I wanted to live somewhere quiet in the suburbs and try for children. Almost immediately upon learning of this, his adult son (m26) requested to move back in. His son had always lived with his mom so we hadn't spent much time together,

but he wanted to move to our city to go to school and take advantage of his free GI Bill college benefits from his father. We greatly wanted him to find success, and this was an adult family member, so no rent or responsibilities were outlined. Within a year, though, he had failed the entrance exams and decided not to go back to school.

He spent most of his time visiting his 'family' (he is very close with his mother's family and there is clear animosity that his dad was away in the military for much of his childhood so he never calls his dad 'family' - it was the ex-wife who cheated, got pregnant, had the kid under my husband's military insurance, and then divorced and married her affair partner, just in case anyone asks).

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So shortly after a year of him essentially doing nothing other than playing video games and smoking weed, he moved back to his mom's. Well about one year later, he requests to move back. This time it will be different because his mom has helped him to get a WFH position at her company. So he has a plan and just wants to bond with his dad, save up money, and move out.

Okay, sounds good. At some point we learn that he's deeply in debt. I had always seen boxes in the mail, he bought a brand new car, and he bragged about his luxury purchases, so I had a hunch but stayed out of it. The plan became: help him get out of debt and learn about finances. His dad taught him about interest rates and helped to transfer his balance to a low interest loan.

We chatted about paying it off, but decided to hold off as we hadn't seen any real responsibility. Unfortunately a few months later, he was let go. But his spending didn't seem to stop. I continued to get alerts from Ring throughout the middle of the night as he went partying, he continued to have money to spend on weed, played video games all day.

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As someone who moved out at 18, worked to get a full ride scholarship, and now works each day to pay for this house -- it definitely felt insulting. We ended up going to marriage counselling where the therapist was so ridiculous (I think the guy was honestly 100 years old, rambling, drinking ensure to stay alive) that I just let it go for awhile longer.

Before this, I had been cooking meals for everyone, but I basically stopped at this point. This went on for maybe 6 months, with his dad asking what his plans were, if he'd go to school, join the military, learn a trade, anything. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't have a passion in life. So his dad helps him to get a military contracting job.

Secret clearance paid for. It's a bottom of the ladder job but it's a great stepping stone! He quits on day 2. He doesn't tell us, he just stops going and I ask after him being home for 1-2 weeks what happened. His dad confronts him and finds that he didn't like having nothing to do. Staring at the clock all day. His dad is disappointed and basically disengages at this point.

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He says he isn't helping him anymore (not charging rent, not kicking him out, just not helping him with the career search). Miraculously, several months later, he lands a well paying job at a medical clinic. This is great! But after a couple of days his car is still in the drive way. Why isn't he at work? He stops leaving his room until we've gone to bed, so my husband puts off talking to him.

We find out maybe 2 months later that he quit because he wanted to go to Europe with his family. Family means everything to this kid. He couldn't give up the opportunity to go on this family vacation that his MD grandma was paying for, even for a high paying job that didn't require a college degree!

My husband says he needs to find a job or he's out of the house. It's a weak threat, because at this point he's declined help from everyone. His uncle basically hands him a marketing position -- he says the can't do it because he wants to go out for his birthday weekend. His other uncle gets him interviews for Costco, he doesn't go.

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My husband had recruiters call him, he hung up once he figured it out. At this point I'm talking to my husband about wanting to move out, myself. I work hard at a high stress job and it's honestly too much to have someone I consider to be a NEET living in the home that I pay for. He doesn't come out until night time, doesn't interact with us, basically acts like he doesn't exist.

I only see Ring alerts all night (my only rule is no smoking weed in the house, so I guess to go smoke). I feel it isn't healthy for him either. I've even run this situation by my husband's mother (she's Asian, I'm not, so this is all especially difficult as culturally family should support each other) and she said kick him out.

I feel guilty at the same time, though. What if he's depressed? What if he's really trying? Would charging rent that we put into an account help? But you need a job to pay rent. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his son, which is why I'm feeling like I need to be the one to leave. But my husband believes his son needs a wake up call and that he will ultimately thank him for doing this. So I'm asking at this point, what should we do?

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TLDR: Adult stepson doesn't want to work or go to school, just wants to play video games and smoke weed. I'm increasingly uncomfortable with the situation and environment in my home and feel like one of us needs to leave. But would love to have a solution where everyone ends up happy.

Edit: I want to sincerely thank everyone for providing advice and perspective. You've made me feel I'm not a terrible person for wanting this and that it really is the best course of action. My husband is fed up with the situation and is ready to provide him with the eviction notice tonight. I hope someday in the near future he will find his path and hopefully this will be a positive step towards that.

The stepson’s NEET lifestyle—marked by job rejections, lavish spending, and isolation—has turned this couple’s home into a pressure cooker. The woman’s frustration, fueled by her own hard-earned independence, is valid, yet her guilt reflects the complexity of blended families. Her husband’s hesitation to act, despite his “wake-up call” stance, risks enabling his son’s stagnation, while her threat to leave underscores the strain on their marriage.

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This mirrors a broader issue: enabling adult children can erode family harmony. Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a family psychologist, notes, “Clear boundaries and consequences foster growth, while indulgence prolongs dependency.” The stepson’s pattern—quitting jobs for vacations, ignoring opportunities—suggests a lack of accountability, possibly tied to depression or entitlement, as the woman fears. Reddit’s push for eviction aligns with tough love, but her mother-in-law’s cultural perspective highlights the challenge of family expectations.

A structured plan could help: set a deadline for the stepson to find work or move out, with rent as an interim step to encourage responsibility. Couples counseling, with a more engaged therapist, could align the couple’s approach. If depression is a factor, suggesting professional help respectfully avoids overstepping.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit didn’t hold back, urging eviction and questioning the stepson’s funding. Here’s what they said:

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KrofftSurvivor − How on god's green earth?Is he affording all of this with no job?. Someone is funding him, and if you boot him out that someone will take him in.. Do it.

_cheese_cloud_ − Man, I wish someone would just hand me a job! Don’t really have any advice. Hope you can knock some sense into his dad, or you’re able to leave.

[Reddit User] − Whats a NEET?

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MarzipanJoy-Joy − 'What if he's really trying?'  LMAO giiiirrrlll come on. Kick him out already. No one is helping him by doing all these things for him. He is a grown ass man consciously choosing to be a lifetime mooch. Shine up your spine. 

MurtaghInfin8 − Eventually it becomes evident that someone needs to hit rock bottom for them to have a slightest potential to get s**t back on track. Defining that point isn't easy, but he way more than crossed that line. Set him up in an apartment for a couple months, then change your locks. What happens next will be hard to watch, or he'll figure out someone else to dupe, but you guys need to stop being complicit.

WinterFront1431 − He's not a child.. You have a right to have a life where you are not paying for a grown man's s**t.. Tell your husband he has one week to ask his son to leave, or you will be leaving.. This time, there's no moving back in. He needs to grow the hell up.. I left home at 18 and have paid my own way ever since.. If he son is still there this time next week, pack up and leave.

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WildlyUninteresting − Is your husband willing to kick him out job or not? What does a wake up call mean without kicking him out?

Mhor75 − lol at a 33 year old calling a 26 year old kid 😂💀

Spare_Bandicoot_2950 − So is hubby just an old man sitting in the corner leaving you to deal with son? Have you spoken to him about getting your home back? You do realize you're closer in age to son by half right? The whole thing is creepy and I would encourage you to leave. The age difference doesn't seem important now but think about you being 57 and him 70. That's a huge difference, I'd start learning to be a geriatric nurse now.

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henicorina − You say you wanted to move to the suburbs to try for children four years ago - what does your husband think about that? He’s almost 50.

These Reddit calls are bold, but do they offer a full solution? Is kicking him out the answer, or does he need support first?

A stepson’s aimless days have pushed his stepmom to the brink, testing her marriage and patience. With an eviction looming, the family stands at a crossroads—enable or enforce? The woman’s guilt and hope for her stepson’s potential clash with her need for peace. How do you draw the line when family feels like a burden? Share your thoughts below—have you faced a loved one’s stagnation, or set tough boundaries to spark change?

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